by Pru Schuyler
Brooke strides in front of him, her sweet floral scent filling my senses. My heart slows a beat. She reaches her hands out to mine, and I let her take them. Her skin is so warm, like a hug. I let her touch remain. My eyes stay locked on our intertwined hands.
She whispers, “Hey, what’s wrong? You look like you’re about to cry.”
She traces her thumbs in circles on the top of my hands. The rhythm gives me stability. I glance up and see Cade heading outside to a black Audi.
Okay, what are your options here? If you stay, you can call an Uber yourself, but then you’ll be alone with the driver. No one would hear you. No one could save you.
If you go with them, you’ll at least have Brooke with you. This Brady kid probably wouldn’t try anything on you with Brooke and Cade there.
And there’s no way I can handle being alone with some driver I don’t know anything about.
That leaves me one option.
Brady.
Shit.
It’s okay. You got this. Ten seconds at a time. Breathe in, five. Out, five. Repeat.
“Stella?” Brooke’s soft, soothing tone pulls me out of my thoughts.
“Oh yeah, I’m sorry. I’m just so tired. I barely got any sleep last night.” I flash a smile, the one I have perfected from practice.
My nightmares consume my sleep. I wake up crying and screaming. It’s a good thing my room is so far from my mom’s.
“Oh, okay. Well, let’s go, or the boys will come in here and drag us out.” She laughs, but it’s empty.
That’s not helping me right now, Brooke. I roll my eyes once she turns, and I follow her out the doors.
I feel a raindrop against my cheek. Right above my scar. The one he gave me.
“Stella, do you want the front or the back?” Brooke calls, a few feet ahead of me.
“Um …” I pause and try to see into the tinted windows. Why couldn’t we just sit together in the back? Now, I have to choose a boy to sit next to. My chest starts tightening again.
Breathe.
The front seat has to be Brady since it’s his car. The middle console would be dividing us. But I don’t know him at all. I don’t know how long his arms are.
Could he reach every part of me from his seat?
The backseat leaves Cade. I know him. I know his height, and his presence is actually okay. I shouldn’t even be thinking that. No boys are okay. As much as he makes me feel things I never thought I would again, there is no way I can consider it. In the backseat, there would be a seat between us at least.
Ugh. Backseat it is.
“I’ll take the back,” I say as we approach the car.
I open the car door and slide in. I glance to the front seat to get a look at Brady. His shaggy brown hair falls across his tanned forehead. He turns, as if sensing my stare, and deep brown eyes meet mine. Once again, I press a small smile on my face.
He clears his throat. “You must be Stella.” His gaze drops to my chest.
I cross my arms. “Yeah. Thanks for the ride.” I keep my response short. My skin is already crawling from the way he’s looking at me. I turn my stare back out the window.
Apparently, he doesn’t take the hint. His rough voice breaks the silence. “Yeah, no problem. So, will you be joining us at Brighton Prep too?”
Brighton Prep is the name of the elite high school I will be attending this year. By elite, I mean, the richest and occasionally the smartest. Which means I will be going to school with a thousand egotistical, entitled boys. The tuition is stupid expensive, but if your college application has this name on it, you are practically guaranteed entrance.
I keep my gaze out the window as I answer, monotone, “Yeah, I will be. Senior year.”
He thrums his thumbs on his steering wheel. “Cool, cool,” he responds.
Brooke asks him something I can’t hear, and they get lost in conversation.
In, five. Out, five.
You’re doing great.
I feel Cade’s touch before I can react. I drop my gaze and see his hand lying next to me, his pinkie just faintly overlapping mine.
He moves closer, whispering so low and deep that I almost can’t hear him, “Are you okay, Stella?”
I love the way my name sounds on his lips.
No, you don’t! Stop that!
I keep my gaze on our hands. I’m surprised I haven’t moved yet. But the fireworks lighting up my arm seem to know the reason.
“Yeah, I’m okay. I’m just tired. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.” I use the same line I gave Brooke; it seemed to work the first time.
He lifts his pinkie up and slowly slides another finger on top of mine. I suck in a sharp breath as the fireworks explode.
How can such a small, gentle touch have such a massive effect on me?
I can feel him shift in his seat without looking.
My hair stirs on my side closest to him, and his rich, smooth voice fills my left ear. “You don’t have to talk about it, but I can tell you’re not okay.” He hovers for a second longer and then sits upright again.
No one ever calls me out on it—me pretending to be okay. Most people can’t even tell I’m lying. I’ve done it so much recently that I’ve become an expert. I stay silent.
I feel the slightest movement of his hand. He doesn’t stop at the next finger though; he doesn’t stop until his entire hand is over mine, until his fingers interlace with my own. My heart is racing, and my stomach is doing somersaults.
He slowly starts stroking his thumb over the back of my hand, sending shivers down my back with every brush. I can’t take my eyes off our hands.
Our hands.
He leans his head in, his warm breath caressing my ear. I close my eyes, anticipation flooding my senses.
His husky voice whispers, “Stella, I like you. You can fool a lot of people, but I can tell you’re not okay, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
Honk!
I’m thrust back into reality by Brady’s car horn. I yank my hand away and throw my body hard into the door.
Brady shouts at the car that just cut him off, “Stupid bitch!”
I focus my gaze back outside and am surprised to see we are already on my street. Brady pulls into Cade and Brooke’s driveway. I thread my arm through my Target bags, ready to make my speedy exit. He parks the car, and I waste no time. I throw open the door and book it straight to my house.
But I’m cut short when Brooke’s voice calls out to me, “Stella, wait up!”
She joins me by my door as I slide the key in. I look up and see Cade already walking into his house without looking back. My heart sinks. An ache starts growing in my chest.
How can I like him? How can I like anyone again?
“Thanks for today. Seriously, I haven’t had this much fun in a while. Who the hell knew it would be from school shopping?”
She waits for no reply and throws her arms over me. I sink into the feeling, her affection spreading through me.
I pull away first, putting my smile on. “I had so much fun today too. Sorry I’ve been kinda out of it. I’m just exhausted from trying to get everything unpacked.”
“Oh my gosh, don’t be. I totally get it. Anyway, you go get some sleep! Text me tomorrow! I’ll answer when I can!” She beams.
She and her family, including Cade, are leaving for a trip to Hawaii tomorrow for a week. Kind of like a last hurrah before school starts.
I turn back to my door, and I hear her footfall going down the stairs. I wish I could show her the same kindness she has shown me.
“Brooke.”
She turns back to face me.
“Would you be okay if I called you B or gave you a nickname?”
Her smile is answer enough.
I slowly twist the knob on the door. “I’ll text you. I promise. Send lots of pictures,” I talk through my smile.
She nods and turns back to her short walk home.
My mom won’t be back for a while still, so maybe I ca
n get some extra sleep, a nice long nap. But as I lie on my bed, sleep is the furthest thought from my mind.
I can’t believe I let it get that far with Cade today. I allowed him to hold my hand and get close enough to whisper to me. On top of that, if my mom hadn’t interrupted earlier, who knows how far I would have let it go? Maybe I would’ve even kissed him. I know I wanted to.
But I can’t ever let that happen. I won’t.
But maybe Cade won’t be like Austin.
Stop. You never thought anything was wrong with Austin until that day either.
I feel my frustration building. It grows, taking over. I need to feel the fear. I need to be afraid. Grabbing my pillow, I pull it over my face, tears welling in my eyes.
And I scream.
Ding.
Ugh. I reach for my phone, knowing it’s my mom. Probably telling me she’s running late. I lift my phone up to my eyes, letting the bright light consume me.
But the text isn’t from my mom.
Unknown: Hey, hope you don’t mind. I stole your number from Brooke. Have a good night. —Cade
I sit there, frozen at the words on my blinding screen. I want to be able to just let him in. I want to let him kiss me in the middle of Target. I want to hold his hand and not be afraid of being held down. I just want to feel normal. But I will never be that girl again.
Why did Austin do it? How could he do that?
It doesn’t matter if Cade is different. Austin ruined me. And he continues to ruin every thought I have, and any hope of me ever trusting a guy and letting him get close.
Austin was good. He was a good guy. Or so I thought. He was kind and loving, attentive and sweet. But he was someone else under the surface. I heard what he wanted me to hear. I believed the lies he told. And when I was least expecting it, he morphed into the monster I never knew he could be.
SEVEN
Then
He turned, meeting my eyes. I stretched my hand out, being brave, maybe from the vodka or—no, it was definitely from the vodka.
I ran my fingers over his cheek and through his hair, letting my hand stay at the base of his neck. I didn’t care if sober me would regret this. I wanted to kiss this boy. And I wanted to do it now.
I pulled him to me while simultaneously leaning into him. I acted fast, before I could convince myself not to make the move. I closed the space between us, crashing my lips into his.
He didn’t kiss back.
As I pulled away, his hands found my waist, securing my spot. He leaned back in, slamming his lips back onto mine. Each kiss and movement was fueled by hunger and need. He lightly slipped his tongue in my mouth, sending shivers down my body.
As fun as this was, I wouldn’t have sex with him for a while. Even drunk me knew that he needed to prove that he meant he was sorry. No matter how drunk I was, I knew my line.
And we, sir, are not crossing it.
But that didn’t mean there weren’t a thousand other things we could do besides sex.
His hand found the hem of my shirt, working it over my head. His fingers glided up my stomach, moving under my bra. He unhooked it, completely exposing me. I ran my hand down his shirt until I reached the bottom. When I yanked it up, he lifted his arms, allowing me to take it off.
“Goddamn.” I sucked my bottom lip in, running my fingers across his hard torso and chest. I’d forgotten what that was like.
Hockey really was a blessing to this boy’s body.
His hand slid down my bare stomach, lighting the skin on fire.
He grabbed my waist, lifting me over the middle console so that I was straddling his lap.
He pulled me in, devouring me with his kiss, his tongue dancing against mine. His wandering hands trailed lower and lower, finding the most sensitive area. His kisses swept down my neck to my collarbone, and he made me almost second-guess where my line was.
“I need you, Stels. Now,” he commanded.
I froze. We were not having sex tonight, and he knew that.
I pulled his chin up to meet my eyes. “Trust me, Austin, I want to again one day soon but not tonight. We are both waaay too drunk, and I don’t want to rush back into anything.”
“Stels, baby, come on. We’ve had sex before. What’s one more night?” His voice was gruff, and his hands got a little rougher.
“We can do other stuff, Austin.”
I tried to lean back to put some space between us, but he caught my wrists in that menacing grip. I yelped, and a smile stretched onto his face.
Did … did he like that?
EIGHT
I ignored Cade for the entire week he was gone. Let me tell you, that boy was persistent. He sent a good morning and good night text every day, typically accompanied by a picture. Two of them were of him, shirtless on the beach; three of them were of him in bed at night; and the others were at some diner they went to frequently.
Every time my phone dinged, my heart soared. I hated that it did that. But I couldn’t help it. Logic was still winning the war though. I didn’t answer a single one of them.
He’d get over this. The only reason he even liked me right now was probably because I was the only girl to ever tell his dark-haired, Greek god bod no. He just liked the chase, and the second I gave in, it’d all be over.
Brooke and I texted a lot. She sent me a constant flow of pictures, showcasing what they were doing. We talked about school starting Monday, what we were going to wear, what our favorite things were, et cetera. She told me she wished I had come with them.
Honestly, it looked like it was a lot of fun. But there was no way it would have ever happened. Too many people I didn’t know, a whole family I’d just met, a place I’d never been. Too many unknown variables.
Instead of spending a week on a beach, I spent the week stuck between the pages of my books. My mom was working pretty much the entire time. I only saw her for dinner every other night. And any free time she had, she was painting her stress away in our makeshift studio in the living room.
I told Brooke I’d come over once they landed today to help her unpack. We’re going to have a girls’ night to get ready for school. I’ve got about a half hour before they are supposed to be back.
After a quick shower and change of clothes, through my window, I hear Mrs. Carver’s SUV pull into their driveway. I throw on a crewneck sweater over my tank top and head to greet them.
I open my front door, yanking it closed behind me, and slam straight into a wall of Cade. I’m overwhelmed by the scent of forest and warm spice. The door hits my back, my weight falling off-balance. I throw my hands out to catch myself from an embarrassing moment.
In hopes of grabbing something to stabilize myself, I manage to plant them right on his firm chest. An arm snakes around my waist, catching me, securing me in place against him.
“Whoa there,” he stammers, his voice raspy. His fingers squeeze slightly, digging into my waist, sending flames through me. “Glad to see you’re alive and well. I assumed something had happened since I never heard back from you.” His eyes find mine, challenge dancing in them.
Smart-ass. Two can play that game.
“Sorry, I’ve just been so busy, hanging out with Brady since you were gone. He wanted to show me around town.” I try to hide the smile from my face, but I fail. I bite down on my lower lip to stop it from spreading.
His gaze falls to my lip bite, and he smirks. My lips immediately part.
“Want to know how I know you’re lying?” His voice lowers, and once again, his eyes dart to my mouth.
I hate how much I want to kiss him right now.
I stumble through my words, “How-how’s that?”
My cheeks heat up as my eyes flicker to his full lips. He places his hand above my right shoulder on the door. My heart rate picks up. He leans close, only inches from my face.
“Brady was out of town with his brother the whole time we were gone. He doesn’t get back till tomorrow night.” His arrogant smirk lights up his eyes.
Dammit.
Cade: 1. Stella: 0.
“Hmm.” For the first time in my life, I’m at a loss for words.
I’m too overwhelmed by our proximity and the fact that if I were to even lift my chin up an inch, our lips would collide. His eyes stay locked on mine as he waits for my response.
I give in. “Fine, I was here, reading the whole time. And I didn’t exactly know what to say.” It’s not a total lie. I drop my eyes down to his chest. Which doesn’t help me at all because through his white T-shirt, I can see the outline of his firm chest and torso, mounds of muscles cascading down. Let alone the fact that I was getting a good grope about five seconds ago.
What exactly am I supposed to say to the first guy I’ve been interested in since Austin? The first guy who, when he touches me, I want more?
He chuckles lightly. “You could’ve said, Oh, hey, Cade. So nice of you to go out of your way to get my number from Brooke. What’s up? How’s your vacation? I miss you. Xoxo, Stella. Any of that would’ve been great. What wasn’t great, you ask? Being left on Read the whole time.” His tone turns serious, pain laced in his words.
He slides the arm that’s around my waist out from under me and places it above my left shoulder, boxing me in. My heart races even faster.
There’s no way I’m ever going to tell him how I really feel. It’s senior year. One year left, and then I’m off to college, and this will all just be a distant memory.
“Sorry to burst your ego, Cade, but maybe I’m just not into you.” I try to sell my lie as best I can, keeping my face straight.
He shakes his head side to side as he pulls his bottom lip in between his teeth. Lowering himself down, our lips hovering apart, he clears his throat before his thick words fill my ears. “Stella, Stella, Stella, if that’s the game you want to play, then so be it.”
He bears his weight on his arms, causing his biceps to swell.
Crap.
He straightens up and places the softest kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes at the contact. He pushes off my door and heads back to his house without another word.
A lump grows in my throat, and a stinging sensation hits the back of my eyes. I should have felt scared with him being that close to me. I should have felt grossed out and repulsed, like I needed a shower.
