Getting the Snip

by Charmaine Ross

  ‘I was interested in your ideas for the company in our meeting during the week and wanted to go over your ideas more casually.’

  Andy pointed a finger, cocked his thumb and made a clicking noise, ‘Fire away.’

  Mr Blake peered at Andy over his spectacles before closing his laptop and placing it on the coffee table between them. ‘I was particularly interested in your ideas to market into China. Can you tell me more about how we can work with their trade embargos?’

  ‘Sure. We can learn to speak China … no, China-ese. Yeah. Those suckers can’t speak England very good at all.’ Andy chuckled. His head tipped back. He jolted and swayed, but managed to stay upright.

  Mr Blake pursed his lips, ‘I’m aware of the language barrier …’

  ‘One more thing … we need an agent.’ Andy leaned forward, ‘No undercover agents, like spies or anything like that. An agent for business. You know they have ‘em over there. They can speak England and everything.’

  Sara placed her hand over Andy’s, tilting forward in her seat to peer at his face. He’d gone a whiter shade beneath a slick sheen of perspiration. His eyes snapped open, ‘Look. Planes! I like planes. You know, when I was a kid… ‘ Andy’s head fell forward. He jerked up, but then his head tipped back. ‘I like planes. We should go on one, Sar. Sara-lara. I like that… think I’ll call you that for now on…’

  His head fell back, and a thread of saliva dribbled from the corner of his mouth. Sara’s head fell into her open palm. ‘I knew this was a bad idea. But would he listen?’

  ‘Sara. I understand.’

  She gasped, looking into the frank stare of Mr Blake, ‘You weren’t shopping, were you?’

  ‘It’s not what you think, Mr Blake.’

  ‘Sometimes, admitting you have a problem is the hardest part. Just acknowledging it goes a long way to recovery.’

  ‘Mr Blake ...,’ Sara bit her lip. Andy had been so adamant about not telling Mr Blake, but surely having a vasectomy was a better option to being labelled a raging drunk at the office. She had to tell Andy’s boss something. He was looking at her like he was going to shuffle her off to the nearest women’s shelter.

  Andy was not going to like this, but when she weighed up a bad reputation at the office versus a few vasectomy jokes, the answer came easy enough. She’d just have to make Andy see it from her point of view. When he woke up. And healed. And was in a good frame of mind. Maybe after his favorite meal. Food always got him in a good frame of mind. ‘We’ve just come from surgery.’

  ‘And he got drunk on the way!’

  ‘What! No … No!’ Sara gaped, horrified, ‘Andy had the operation. He had the surgeon hit him up with so much local he could hardly move his legs. Then, on top of that, he took a fair whack of painkillers. He’s not drunk… he’s… well, I guess he’s high.’

  ‘Surgery? Legs?’

  She took a deep breath, ‘Vasectomy. An hour ago.’

  Mr Blake’s mouth fell open in an ‘O’ as he began to understand their predicament. He steepled his fingers and thought for a moment, ‘And he still wanted to come here and see me?’

  Sara grimaced, ‘He kind of didn’t want me to tell you. Something about his manhood not being told to the whole office and every waking human on earth knowing what his willy’s gone though.’

  ‘You know when I had mine, I was out for a week. But it paled into comparison with what my wife went through to deliver our three children. They’re adults now, but I still haven’t forgotten what it felt like all those years ago. I’m amazed he made it from your car all the way through that airport to here.’

  ‘He was pretty determined to speak to you. Apart from the vasectomy, he’s kind of not talked about much else than this idea of his lately. It’s pretty interesting what he wants to do, you know.’

  ‘Really?’

  Sara nodded, ‘It’s a pity he’s passed out on you. I hope you can forgive him.’

  ‘There’s nothing to forgive. Given what he’s just gone through, I’m surprised he turned up at all. ’

  ‘He said you’re on a tight timetable and felt like this was the only time he could see you for a while.’

  Mr Blake nodded, ‘Goes with the job I’m afraid, but that’s no excuse. If I’d known what he was doing today, I’d never have asked him to come here. Some things come before work, and this is one of those things. Can I help you back to the car?’

  Sara glanced at Andy and grimaced, ‘I don’t know. He’s really heavy. I’m kind of leaning towards letting him sleep for now. My parents are looking after our children and to tell you the truth, it’ll be nice to rest myself for a little while.’

  Mr Blake’s eyes sparkled, ‘Just so happens I have a couple of hours up my sleeve at the moment. Can I interest you in a coffee and a snack, and after that you might like to tell me what that husband of yours has in his head about these China trade embargoes.’

  Sara glanced at the spread of scrolls, biscuits and slices, and the barista behind the gleaming coffee-machine, ‘I think you could talk me into a coffee and a snack, but I can only tell you about what Andy’s told me. He’s the one with all the details.’

  ‘Understood and accepted. Shall we?’ Mr Blake stood and gestured to the food counter. Andy was still out for the count and the coffee was calling. Besides, she hadn’t had two hours to herself for a long, long time.

  She nodded, ‘We shall, Mr Blake.’

  ‘Oh, and by the way, call me Ted. I think after what you’ve gone through today, we can use first names.’

  Sara’s smile widened, ‘Sounds wonderful, Ted.’

  * * *

  ‘This looks wonderful, Sara! Thanks for inviting me on such short notice.’ Ted beamed from his place at the table. Beside him sat Ellie, with Jacob in his high-chair next to Sara. ‘I always appreciate a home cooked meal.’

  ‘We can’t have you sitting around the airport when a meeting gets cancelled,’ Sara said. ‘You’re always welcome here.’

  ‘It’s a pleasure, Ted.’ Andy said, putting a bowl of fresh salad on the table and sitting opposite.

  ‘Good to see you looking so well, Andy.’

  ‘Well, I’m awake at least. And walking. And not on Vicodin.’

  Ted chuckled, ‘Yes, it was rather hard to talk to you last time. I’m glad your wife cleared up my misunderstandings.’

  ‘And I’m glad none of what happened went around the office,’ Andy said.

  ‘I can’t have any bad news spread about my new International Sales Manager,’ Ted said.

  Sara raised her glass of wine, ‘To China.’

  The phone rang and Sara went to answer it.

  ‘How’s My Little Girl?

  ‘Going well, Dad,’ Sara smiled, watching her family at the table. Ted seemed especially taken with the kids and Andy preened showing them off. ‘I’d just like to ask if you can look after the kids on the weekend.’

  ‘Sure, honey. Special occasion?’

  ‘You know, I’m just celebrating life at the moment,’ Sara said.

  * * *

  They stood at the door and waved Ted off in the taxi that would take him to the airport, ‘That’s going to be us soon,’ Andy said. ‘How do you feel about so much travel?’

  ‘As long as we’re together, we’ll have our family and our home,’ Sara said, leading Andy into the kitchen, ‘I have a surprise for you.’ She handed him an envelope.

  Andy took out the letter and scanned it, ‘The official certificate?’

  ‘Mmhmm. Officially no sperm.’ She took it and put it on the fridge, ‘Place of honor. And in celebration I have booked The Tavern this weekend. Mum and Dad are looking after the kids.’

  Andy took Sara in his arms, wound them around her and pressed her tight against him, ‘For the whole weekend?’

  ‘Two whole days… and two whole nights.’ Sara tilted her head, leaning close enough so that his breath caressed her cheek. He nipped the lobe of her ear gently and nuzzled her cheek. She shivered at the delicate sensa
tion.

  ‘Whatever are we going to do with all that time?’ Andy said, pressing his lips to hers. They cushioned against her mouth so flawlessly.

  She slid her arms around his neck, cocooning herself against him. Two halves of a perfect whole, ‘Oh, I have plenty of ideas. Plenty of good, sexy, non-pregnancy, celebratory ideas reserved just for my husband.’

  ‘I’m so glad I married you, Sara. I love our kids. I love my family. I love you. Every day I’m thankful. I don’t know what my life would be like without you in it’

  ‘I don’t want to find out, either,’ Sara said, placing tiny kisses around his mouth.

  Andy groaned, chasing her mouth, ‘Are we going to celebrate tonight as well?’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Not every day you get a certificate of no sperm. And we’ve worked very hard to get that.’

  ‘Here’s to no sperm.’

  ‘And a beautiful life ahead,’ Sara said, taking Andy by the hand and into the bedroom to show him how much she loved her life and sharing it with him.

  The End

  I hope you have enjoyed Getting the Snip. Sara and Andy’s adventure begins in Getting Preggas and Getting Hitched. The first steps along life’s incredible journey.

  ROMANTIC COMEDY NOVELLAS

  Getting Hitched

  Sara should be really, really scared. Terrified even. But she’s simply too busy to worry about little things like that. She has a wedding to plan and she intends to have the perfect day. Besides, when it’s all organised, she’ll relax and enjoy loving her fiancé. Until then, she has a job to do. Many, many jobs.

  But Sara still hasn’t found the perfect gown, organised the flowers, the hair, make-up, photographer or the thousand other things she has to get done for the ‘perfect, romantic day she will remember for the rest of her life’. With only four weeks to go, not only has she been unable to match the perfect pink but the groom has gone missing.

  Sara is caught in a dilemma. Should she worry that Andy might actually be half way round the world drinking margaritas and partying it up in Mexico with half-dressed bimbos or should she buy that sexy little bikini she saw online for her honeymoon.

  One thing’s for sure, with Andy away and leaving the wedding plans to her, she doesn’t care if she’s a bridezilla or not. Some things are bigger than mere reputation.

  Getting Preggas

  Andy and Sara have been trying to have a baby going on two years now. At first they really didn’t notice that it was taking that long — after all, the pleasure is in the trying and chores such as vacuuming doesn’t really compare to the ‘chore’ of becoming pregnant. But when they start to notice their friends’ expanding families, one-sided invitations to christenings, baptisms and first birthday parties, things start to get desperate.

  And desperate times call for desperate measures.

  When Sara puts all of her faith into their doctor’s recommendation that perhaps they are just trying too hard, Sara sticks to her goal. One whole month without special cuddles, much to Andy’s consternation. After all, Sara needs to build up those little wrigglers. They have a serious job to do!

  A fun novella of Children Gifted Friends — CGF’s, a Collins Street Specialist — CSS, cats with stray claws, a case of not-so-sexy Arachnophobia and of course, trying to get pregnant.

  Getting The Snip

  Having a teething eleven month old baby who was already starting to totter around on his feet with the pure intention of keeping up with his three year old sister all day was beyond exhausting.

  Sara can’t remember that last time she had a shower. She smells of stale breast milk and thinks she has baby puke in her hair from three days ago. And when she goes to bed, she wants to sleep. No special cuddles. The only thing she craves now-a-days is to sleep-until-you-wake-up-naturally, just like she used to BC — Before Children.

  Sara loves her children. She loves her husband and her family. But with the thought of having another child, her uterus wants to rip itself out of her body and run into oncoming traffic. Solution? Permanent contraception. Sara has the perfect idea. It’s just a small incision, twenty minutes of Andy’s time and poof — he’s done. Neutered like the cat.

  It’ll take balls, but Andy will have to put his on the line if they ever want to have carefree, sex-on-tap, whenever they want it, pre-baby lovemaking again. Or will his nightmare of being chased by massive scissors make him run in the opposite direction to the scalpel?

  MORE FROM CHARMAINE ROSS

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  David needs the contract, the Moore’s name for his portfolio and the money to pay for his ailing father’s health. He’s given up his life and potential for a successful musical career for his family. What he doesn’t need is the diversion, or the temptation of his new boss.

  As they are drawn unwillingly into each other’s worlds perceptions crash, misconceptions collapse and passions erupt as they face their own personal challenges when their two very different worlds collide.

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