The Good, the Bad, and the Bossy

by Caroline Cala

  “Obviously. Everyone needs to pass the training.” Malia looked down at her notebook. “Pigeon is, like, a professional babysitter, so obviously we have to hire her.”

  “Ugh, her level of preparation was borderline ridiculous,” said Dot.

  “But she seems good at so many things,” said Bree. She knew that Dot wasn’t a fan of Pigeon, but her interview had been so inspiring. Bree wanted to be good at that many things. Or even half as many things. Even, like, two more things would be an improvement.

  “But what about the binder? And the research on child psychology? That was so unnecessary.” Dot crossed her freckly arms.

  “Yeah, she kind of has a stressful vibe,” Malia agreed. “She’s a classic overachiever. Like someone else I know.”

  “What? Me?” Dot acted insulted, though it was obvious she kind of liked being called an overachiever. “I am not like Pigeon. Are you insinuating I’m that smug?”

  “No, but you are an overachiever . . .”

  “Guilty as charged.” Dot held up her hands in a show of surrender. “But what should we do? You know how I feel about Pigeon, but I’ll admit it might not be the worst thing to let her take over some of our work.” Plus, Dot secretly thought to herself, if Pigeon was super busy babysitting, she’d have less time to devote to the science fair, which was an added benefit for Dot.

  “So let’s hire her,” said Bree, who was keeping one eye on Veronica. He was watching a fly buzzing right outside his carrier. With every passing moment, he grew increasingly angry that he couldn’t escape in order to hunt it. Bree felt guilty at his obvious discomfort. She wanted him to be happy, but she also wanted herself to be happy. Pet ownership was so hard.

  “I got a really good feeling about Sage,” said Dot.

  “Me too!” said Bree. “She seems really kind. And like she has good instincts.”

  “And an incredible fashion sense,” Malia cut in.

  “And so much of babysitting is about intuition over experience,” Dot argued. “So I vote for Sage.”

  “Are we afraid that maybe she’s a little too boy crazy?” Malia asked.

  Her friends gave her confused looks.

  “What does that have to do with babysitting?” Bree asked.

  “I don’t know, maybe it would distract her from giving all her attention to the kids or something.”

  “Oh, you’re one to talk. You spend the entire time at the Gregory house trying to peek over the fence at Connor,” said Dot.

  “And sometimes you’ll also watch for him out the window,” Bree added.

  “Only when coming or going,” Malia said, defensively.

  “Okay. So our options are Brody, Pigeon, and Sage,” said Dot.

  “What are the next steps?” asked Bree. She was so proud of everyone, expanding their club and being all professional and stuff. This was a big step for them. The thought of having six babysitters made her want to cry a little. (In a good way.)

  “We let each of our candidates know they’ve been chosen,” said Dot.

  “I can do that now!” said Malia, reaching for her phone. “I’ll also invite them to the park for a group training day tomorrow.”

  “Training day? Tomorrow? That’s a lot of curriculum to develop in one day,” Dot said, visibly stressed. She’d mentioned earlier that she wanted to spend the day working on her project and prepping for an upcoming test. “We have to cover the basics, safety protocol, hygiene, ethics . . .”

  “Nah,” said Malia. “I think we just throw a bunch of challenges at them all at once. After all, isn’t that how we learned?”

  Everyone nodded.

  “It’s true,” Dot agreed. “We had zero experience, and Mrs. Woo just let us into her home and let us watch her children, like trial by fire. And we figured it out.”

  “You know how Coach K makes the soccer team do a bunch of crazy drills that are more intense than anything they’d ever encounter in an actual game?” Malia said. “Then, when game time comes, it seems like a breeze. I say we do the same thing with the new sitters.”

  “I like it,” said Dot.

  Bree’s eyes lit up. This was sounding like a lot of fun. “We should set up an obstacle course and recreate different situations that they might run into while babysitting! And maybe some situations they probably wouldn’t run into that might be fun anyway!”

  “Yeah!” said Malia.

  “And I can play a baby!” Bree added.

  If she was being honest, Bree was mostly excited about getting to play a baby.

  “YES!” said Malia.

  “Ooh! We should have a hiring ceremony,” said Bree. She loved ceremonies. They were almost as much fun as parties. Especially if they involved a gong. She didn’t know where she could get a gong, but she would look for something equally loud in her family’s garage.

  “Ooh, an initiation. That could be good,” added Dot.

  “With cookies! And a secret handshake or something,” said Bree. “I can take care of that part.” Now she was really excited.

  “Congratulations, partners,” said Malia. She extended her hand, prompting Bree and Dot to place their hands on top.

  “To our very first expansion!” said Dot.

  Chapter Eleven

  Malia

  “Where did Bree get a megaphone?” Malia asked.

  Dot just shrugged.

  The newly expanded club, including Pigeon, Brody, and Sage, had gathered in the grassy area behind the gazebo, where the hiring ceremony was officially underway. Bree had appointed herself the grand master of ceremonies. Malia was proud to be the CEO, but acting like a cheerleader was way more of Bree’s thing, so Malia was happy to let her have this. Megaphone in hand, Bree paced back and forth on the raised platform that led to the monkey bars, while the rest of the group sat on the grass below her, ever the captive audience. Slightly removed from the crew, Veronica looked on from his cat carrier, scowling over the proceedings.

  “Welcome to the next chapter of your life!” Bree shouted, flashing everyone her brightest smile.

  She sounded like she was channeling one of the super-high-­energy self-help gurus from the videos Chelsea would sometimes watch on YouTube. Malia couldn’t help but wonder where on earth she was getting this stuff from. It was a new side of Bree (though, given her enthusiasm for everything, it wasn’t particularly surprising).

  “Are you ready to watch some children?” Bree yelled. “Who’s ready to watch some children? Let me see a show of hands!”

  The new hires put their hands in the air. They seemed pretty jazzed, but it was also possible they were just being polite.

  “Wooooooo!” Bree shouted at the top of her lungs.

  “How long do we let this go on for?” Dot asked Malia.

  “I don’t know, another minute maybe?” Malia guessed.

  Now Bree was stomping her feet, creating a complicated rhythm.

  “When I say ‘baby,’ you say ‘sit’!” she chanted, really getting into it. “Baby!”

  “Sit?” Pigeon, Brody, and Sage gave their tentative reply.

  “That’s it! Now louder!” she hollered. “Baby!”

  “Sit!”

  “Baby!”

  “Sit!”

  With one final “Woooo!” Bree hopped off the platform. As promised, she ended the ceremony by passing around a tin of assorted cookies.

  “Do these have gluten in them?” asked Pigeon.

  “Yeah,” said Dot, before adding, “because gluten is delicious.”

  As everyone but Pigeon munched on their cookies, Malia handed each new sitter a giant plastic rain poncho.

  “Sweeeeeet,” said Brody.

  “What do we need these for?” asked Sage.

  “Oh, you’ll see,” said Malia with a laugh. “Babysitting is not for the faint of heart.”

  “Here we have an obstacle course.” Dot motioned to the complicated setup stretching across the lawn.

  The girls had created a special path that snaked all over the p
ark, with arrows pointing the way. It started at the jungle gym, which they had decked out with streamers, then led to a “scary passageway” made of Hula-Hoops and a sheet printed with cartoon animals parading across it. At one particularly challenging part of the course, there was an old Slip ’N Slide, followed by a “moat” (actually a kiddie pool filled with Kool-Aid).

  “As you make your way through the maze, some unforeseen challenges will pop up, just as they do when babysitting,” Malia said. “Trust your instincts. Do your best to keep calm and continue moving forward.”

  “One more thing,” said Dot, handing each sitter a wrapped parcel. “You must carry this sack of flour, which is approximately the weight of one baby, the entire time. If you drop it, you will be disqualified.”

  “Whoa,” said Sage.

  “Awesome,” said Brody.

  “No problem!” said Pigeon.

  “On your mark!” Bree yelled into the megaphone. She was really enjoying this whole megaphone thing, Malia thought. “Get set!” Bree yelled, pausing for effect before concluding, “GO!”

  The new hires were off, scrambling up the rope ladder that led to the upper level of the jungle gym. Pigeon was leading the pack, but Sage was giving her a pretty good run for her money. Brody, several paces behind them, looked like he was moving peacefully through a pool full of molasses.

  They swung across the monkey bars, sacks of flour tucked ingeniously into wherever their shirts and pants would allow. They slid down the slide and sprinted on to the next part of the course. Well, Sage and Pigeon sprinted. Brody pretty much strolled.

  Malia wasn’t yet sure what to make of the new hires. She was wary of their performance. Did Brody have no sense of urgency? Had Sage never encountered a child before? But she wanted this plan to work. So she tried to remain optimistic.

  “Uh-oh! You’re approaching the moat!” Malia called as the hires inched closer to the strange homemade structures, including the pool of Kool-Aid. “But instead of a dragon, this moat is being guarded by a giant baby!”

  Bree, wearing Veronica’s glittery blue bonnet, toddled around, acting like a giant baby.

  “Waaaaah!” she yelled. “I’m a baby!”

  She weaved her way in and out of the course, trying to distract and confuse everyone.

  “Wait, what’s going on?” Pigeon said.

  “GIVE ME MY TOY!!!” Bree screamed, three inches away from Pigeon’s ear.

  “What? What toy?” Pigeon asked, confused.

  Bree fell to the ground and began pulling on Pigeon’s leg, the way so many children had done to her in the past month.

  “LADY! YOU. HAVE. MY. TOY!!!!!!!!!!!!” Bree seemed to be enjoying herself a little too much.

  “I don’t have a toy!” Pigeon said helplessly.

  Brody looked on with a confused expression. Sage just laughed.

  “The point,” Dot calmly explained from the sidelines, “is that sometimes a child will make a demand that doesn’t make any sense.”

  “They might think your earrings are a toy. Or your hair. Or they might be referring to some imaginary toy, just to be annoying,” Malia added.

  “The point of this exercise is, when a child becomes stressful, how well do you deal with it?” said Dot.

  “GIVE ME MY TOY!” Bree shouted. Now she was also kicking and screaming while rolling on the ground. It was really an epic tantrum.

  “Yo, kid. Chill,” said Brody. “You can totally have your toy.”

  “I’m a baby!” Bree screamed. “Give me attention!”

  “Babies do not act like this,” said Pigeon. “This one is speaking in full sentences.”

  “WAAAAAAAAAAH!” yelled Bree. This time, she sounded a lot like a baby.

  “Hi there, baby,” said Sage, in a googly voice. Malia admired how willing she was to go along with the challenge. Were their roles reversed, Malia wasn’t sure she would be as good of a sport. “Don’t cry!” Sage knelt down so she was on Bree’s level. She tickled Bree under the chin, which looked ridiculous, since Bree wasn’t actually a baby. But Bree just smiled.

  The trainees continued to the next part of the course, crawling through the makeshift tunnel. As they emerged from the tunnel, another surprise was waiting.

  “Uh-oh! Look out!” Bree yelled as she started throwing mud all over them.

  Pigeon shrieked as the mud slid off her plastic poncho.

  “Dirt is a big part of the job!” Dot said gleefully.

  “Baby diarrhea is real!” yelled Malia. “You need to get used to it!”

  “I’m a baby! I made a mess!” Bree yelled. “Clean it up!” She kept throwing mud at them.

  Muddied and mystified, the junior babysitters soldiered on.

  “Whoaaaaaaa,” said Sage, sliding on a patch of mud. “Help!” she called as she careened toward Pigeon. But instead of helping, Pigeon ducked out of the way. Now Sage was headed right for the Kool-Aid pool. The babysitters winced, preparing for the inevitable Kool-Aid tsunami once Sage crashed with the water. But instead, she screeched to a halt at the last moment. She looked back at the other sitters.

  “Are we done now?” she asked.

  “Okay. That was . . . interesting,” said Malia.

  “The good news is, all of you are still holding your flour babies, and all of you passed,” Dot announced.

  The new hires gave each other high fives.

  “Congratulations!” Bree cheered. “Now, you may each receive your official club hat.”

  “Our what?” Pigeon asked.

  Bree retrieved a garbage bag from beneath a nearby tree and proceeded to pull three glittery top hats from it.

  “Aren’t those left over from last New Year’s Eve?” Malia asked.

  Bree shot her a look. “No, these are the official babysitting hats,” Bree said, handing a sparkly pink hat to Brody.

  “Sweeeeeeet,” he said, placing the hat immediately upon his head.

  “Do we have to, like, wear these when we babysit?” Pigeon asked, accepting a sparkly lavender hat.

  “Are there any boys around?” Sage asked, glancing from side to side.

  “Boys LOVE sparkles,” Bree said, handing Sage the remaining silver hat. “Everyone does.”

  “Congratulations, everyone! This means you’re ready for the next round of training,” Malia continued, inspiring a look of concern to spread across each of their faces. “With real live kids.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Bree

  “Oh my!” said Mrs. Woo when she saw that six sitters had arrived to watch her two young daughters. “This is quite the collective.”

  “PARTYYYYYY!” yelled five-year-old Ruby at the sight of the whole gang.

  It was, Bree had to admit, an awful lot of people.

  “We’re excited to announce that we’re expanding our business,” Dot said. “And as one of our most valued clients, we wanted our new hires to meet your girls right away so everyone can get comfortable and acquainted.”

  “How nice. Well, help yourselves to the snacks, as usual,” said Mrs. Woo, putting her keys into her purse before adding, “I just hope there are enough of them!”

  As soon as their mother’s car backed away, the Woo girls, five-year-old Ruby and three-year-old Jemima, exploded like little human fireworks.

  “WE’RE FREE!” sang Ruby, running into the living room.

  “FEE! FEE!” yelled Jemima, close behind.

  “THE OGRE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!” Ruby continued yelling. “THE DRAGON HAS LEFT THE MOAT! THE TROLL HAS LEFT THE BRIDGE!”

  The new sitters looked the way Bree had felt the first time Veronica peed on one of her jackets. Very confused, a little bit worried, but mostly not sure how to fix it.

  “Don’t worry,” Bree whispered. “They calm down even­tually.”

  “IT’S MY PARTY AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO,” sang Ruby, jumping up and down on a living room chair.

  “CWY IF I WANT TO!” added Jemima.

  “Girls! There is to be no jumping on furni
ture,” said Malia.

  “But it’s my party!” said Ruby.

  “Parties are meant to be fun, not destructive,” said Dot.

  “Depends on the party.” Ruby narrowed her eyes.

  “Let’s all sit in a circle so we can get to know our new friends,” Bree suggested.

  Ruby put her hands on her hips, deciding whether or not to fall for this.

  “OHHHHHH-kay,” she said, reluctantly sitting down. “But this doesn’t look like any party I’ve ever been to.”

  Everyone sat in down in the Woos’ living room. They were all spread out across the couch, the chairs, and the floor, but everyone could see everyone else, and that’s what was important. Everything in the room—the couch, the carpet, the bookshelves, the curtains—was white, which never failed to make Bree nervous.

  “Pigeon, Brody, and Sage, meet Ruby and Jemima,” said Malia.

  “Hi, everyone!” said Pigeon. “It’s so lovely to meet you.”

  Bree noticed that Pigeon had pulled a notebook out of her bag and was taking notes.

  “Hey,” said Sage. She seemed nervous.

  “Yo.” Brody offered a little wave.

  “Hewwo!” said three-year-old Jemima.

  “Hi. I am Ruby and I am five and this is my house. I like ice cream and also the color purple and also the movie Moana and also rabbits and yesterday my mom said that if I practice the piano every day for a month she’ll buy me a scooter and I asked if it could be a scooter with streamers on the handles and she said yes and I think they should be purple streamers but maybe they should be silver streamers what do you think?” Ruby said, in a single breath.

  “Silver streamers sound pretty great to me,” said Pigeon.

  “So! What does everyone feel like doing today?” Bree asked. She hoped someone would suggest a board game or a movie or some other relatively low-key activity.

  “I WANNA PLAY SCARY CLOWN!” yelled Ruby.

  “How does that work?” asked Brody.

  “I scare you!” Ruby explained matter-of-factly. “And then, while you’re still scared, I yell, ‘SCARY CLOWN! SCARY CLOWN!’ ” She collapsed into a fit of giggles.

  “SCAWY! SCAWY CWOWN!” added Jemima. She nodded her head so intensely that her tiny ponytail continued to bobble on top of her head for a few seconds afterward.