Wee Macgreegor Enlists

by J. J. Bell

  IX

  THE FAT GIRL

  Never a day passed without its camp rumour. If Macgregor wasdisposed to be over-credulous, his friend Willie was scepticalenough for two.

  'I hear we're for the Dardanelles next week,' the former observedone afternoon.

  Willie snorted. 'What the ---- wud they send us yins to theDardanelles afore we ken hoo to fire a rifle?'

  'I heard it for a fac',' Macgregor returned imperturbably. 'Theywant us yins for begnet wark, no for snipin'.'

  'Begnet wark! I'll bet ye fifty fags I get a dizzen Turks on mabegnet afore ye get twa on yours!'

  Macgregor let the boastful irrelevance pass. 'I wonder,' he said,thoughtfully, 'if we'll get extra leave afore we gang.'

  'Plenty o' leave! Keep yer mind easy, Macgreegor. It's a millionin gold to a rotten banana we never get a bash at onybody. It'sfair putrid to think o' a' the terrible hard wark we're daein' hereto nae purpose. I wisht I was deid! Can ye len' 'us a bob?'

  'I ha'ena got it, Wullie; honest.' Willie sadly shook his head.'That moll o' yours,' said he, 'is awfu' expensive. Ye've naenotion o' managin' weemen. Listen, an' I'll tell ye something. Yemind last Monday? Weel, I had a late pass that nicht, an' I thochtI wud miss seein' ma aunt's ugly for wance--though it meant missin'a guid meal forbye. So when I got to Glesca I picked up thon fatgirl we used to fling rubbish at when we was young. An', by Jings,she was pleased an' prood! She stood me ma tea, includin' twa hotpies, an' she gi'ed me a packet o' fags--guid quality, mindye!--an' she peyed for first-class sates in a pictur' hoose!That's hoo to dae it, ma lad!' he concluded complacently.

  'An' what did you gi'e her?' Macgregor inquired, after a pause.

  'Ma comp'ny, likewise some nice fresh air fried in naething, for Itook her for a short walk. I could manage wi' ninepence.'

  'Ach, I didna think ye was as mean as that, Wullie! Was--was sheguid-lookin'?'

  'I didna notice her face a great deal; but she's a beezer forstootness. I'm gaun to meet her again on ma next leave. If I tellher we've orders for the Dardanelles, there's nae guessin' whatshe'll dae for me.'

  'She maun be unco saft,' Macgregor commented pityingly.

  'Maybe the kilt had something to dae wi' it,' Willie modestlyallowed. 'They a' adore the kilt. Can ye no spare saxpence . . .weel, thruppence?'

  'I could spare ye a bat on the ear, but I'll tell ye what I'll dae.I've got some money comin' the morn, an' I'll present ye wi' twabob, if ye'll tak' yer oath to spend them baith on gi'ein' the fatyin a treat.'

  Willie gasped. 'D'ye think I'm completely mad?'

  There's something wrang wi' ye when ye can sponge aft a girl, evensupposin' she's fat. So ye can tak' ma offer or a dashed guidhammerin' when the first chance comes.'

  'Dinna be sae free wi' yer hammerin's, ma lord! Remember, it was adraw the last time.'

  'I wasna angry, an' I had gloves on.' Willie considered for amoment and decided to compromise.

  'I'll burst a bob on her to please ye.'

  'Twa--or a hammerin'.'

  'But what ---- guid is the siller gaun to dae me, if I squander ita' on her? Ye micht as weel fling it in the Clyde. She's nowantin' that sort o' kindness frae me. She prefers a bit cuddle.'

  'Did ye cuddle her?' Macgregor asked with an interest indifferentlyconcealed.

  'Some o' her. But she's earnin' guid money at the ----'

  'I dinna suppose she wud ha'e treated ye excep' she had mair moneynor brains.'

  'She wud pairt wi' her last farden for ma sake!'

  'Ach, awa' an' eat grass! It's weel seen that men are scarce thenoo.'

  'Mind wha ye're insultin'!'

  'I'm gaun up to the billet.' Macgregor said, shortly, and walkedoff.

  Presently, Willie, a new idea in his busy brain, overtook him.

  'Macgreegor, if ye len' me thruppence the noo, I'll ca' it abargain aboot the twa bob.'

  He got the pennies then, and on the following day a florin, uponwhich he took a solemn oath. But as he fingered the silver laterhe smiled secretly and almost serenely. If the fat girl had stoodhim a substantial meal, cigarettes and a picture entertainment fornothing, what might not he expect as a return for the squanderingof two shillings?

  As for Macgregor, his motives were probably not unmixed: thepleasure which he foresaw for the poor, fat girl was contingent onthe agony of Willie while spending good money on a person otherthan himself.

  However, Willie was not long in securing a late pass, and went uponhis jaunt in an apparently chastened state of mind, though in thebest possible humour.

  He returned in the worst possible.

  'Twa bob clean wasted,' he grunted, squatting down by Macgregor'sbed. 'I wish to ---- I had flung it in the Clyde when we wascrossin' the brig.'

  'What gaed wrang?' inquired Macgregor, rubbing his eyes. 'Did sheno like yer treat?'

  'I'll warrant she did!'

  'What did ye buy her wi' the twa bob?'

  Willie sniffed at his recollections. 'Like a ---- goat,' said he,'I askit her what she wud like best for twa bob, me thinkin'naterally she wud say a feed to stairt wi'. I was ready for a feedmasel'. But she squeezed ma airm an' shoved her big face intilmines, an' said she wud like a sooveneer best. To blazes wi'sooveneers! An' she dragged me awa' to a shop, an' I had to buyher a silly-like wee tie that cost me eichteen-pence-ha'penny; an'then she wanted a lang ride on the caur, an' that burst fivepence;an' she nabbed the remainin' bawbee for a keepsake.' The reciterpaused as if from exhaustion.

  'Hurry up!' said Macgregor encouragingly. 'What did she gi'e you?'

  'A ---- kiss up a ---- close! To pot wi' kissin'! An' then shesaid she was afraid her mither wud be waitin' the ham an' eggsupper for her, so she wud need to run, an' she was vexed shecouldna meet me again because she had been hearin' I was a terriblebad character. An' then, takin' advantage o' ma surprise, she donea bunk. . . . An' if ever I ha'e ony mair truck wi' weemen, may Ibe ----'

  'She wasna as saft as I fancied she was,' remarked Macgregor in anuncertain voice. 'So ye wud jist gang to yer aunt's for yersupper, efter a'?'

  'Ay! An' the auld cat was oot at a prayer-meetin'. I ha'ena had abite in ma mooth since denner-time. Ha'e ye onything o' yeruncle's handy?'

  'I can gi'e ye a wee tin o' corned beef, Wullie. Ye ken whaur tofind it.'

  'Least ye can dae,' Willie growled. 'Thenk Goad it was your money!'

  'I'm thinkin' I've got guid value.'

  'What?'

  'Guid nicht!' And stuffing some blanket into his mouth, Macgregorrolled over and quaked with imprisoned mirth.