by M Gardner
Ruby jumped up and dragged Steven up from his desk. She reached out and spun Leonard around, drawing both boys into a hug. Leonard returned the squeeze. So did Steven. A chill raced up her spine, and her stomach flip-flopped.
Leonard laughed and pulled away. "Your stomach agrees!" he declared. "Let's get outta here."
They linked arms and walked out of the classroom. The silence in their wake was music to her ears.
14 Isolation/Closeness
Robert
As the three teenagers stepped off the curb, Leonard laughed loudly, patting Steven on the back, who smiled. Ruby winked at him, and Steven blushed slightly. Suddenly there was a rush of footsteps and David appeared panting behind the trio. They all stared at him, surprise evident on more than one face. “About time you guys stopped,” David wheezed, trying to catch his breath. “I’ve been chasing you for like three hours.”
Leonard stepped forward, putting his body between David and Steven, “Why are you chasing us?”
David caught his breath and straightened. David, Robert noticed, looked awkward; he was shuffling his feet and seemed unsure of what to say. Steven appeared resigned to what was coming. “Steven…” David began, but Steven held up his hand.
“It’s OK, David.” David’s eyes were wide with shock; Leonard and Ruby watched Steven very closely. “I know that you’re sorry. It’s all right. I just want us to be friends again.” David’s eyes widened even more.
David nodded and smiled. “Well, that was easier than I thought!”
Steven laughed. “Makes you wonder why you didn’t do it before, right?” he asked, but his smile didn’t drop.
“So,” David quipped, “something about food, right?”
The quartet laughed and crossed the street. Steven had some of his friends back, even if only a few.
Robert watched the group walk off together from the window of an unused classroom. He felt anger boil up inside of him, and he bit his tongue. He swore loudly, tasting blood, then turned around and stormed to a desk and slammed his fists on it. What was happening? Why was everyone turning their backs on him and being friends with Steven? Why did they forgive him for what he did to Lindsay?
A little voice he barely recognized from before Lindsay’s death whispered in his head that maybe Steven didn’t do it, that perhaps he was innocent. He couldn’t be; it wasn’t possible. Robert looked up with tears forming in his eyes. Shouldn’t he patch things up with Steven? Surely, he should be friends with him again? Robert violently threw a chair aside. Why was this happening?
Make Steven pay for what he has done, said another voice, one he had never heard before.
Robert spun around at the voice. “Hello?” he said, looking around, but no one was there. Had someone been watching him? But he hadn’t spoken, so how could they know what he had been thinking about? Quickly gathering his things, Robert left the empty classroom feeling disoriented.
After their meal, Leonard and David stayed at the restaurant. Steven and Ruby walked down the street quietly. Neither said anything but each one would glance at the other now and then. Steven looked like he wanted to say something to her, but apparently, all he could do was keep walking. Their eyes were for each other—if they had looked up, they might have seen him.
Robert remembered spending time alone with Ruby outside of school. It was a lot different than sitting next to her in class or hanging out with her in a group. She was quieter and more thoughtful when she wasn’t performing for all the eyes on her, and when she let her guard down, she was so beautiful it made his stomach hurt with all its somersaults.
Eventually, they came to an intersection, and Ruby said, “Well, I head off here.”
Steven gazed at her. “OK, well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” Ruby waited a moment, watching him as if waiting for him to say something again before she nodded and began to walk away. Steven watched her walk down the street several steps, and then suddenly, she stopped and turned around.
“You know, if you’re…you know, not busy or anything on Friday. We have that day off. Would you want to, I don’t know, go somewhere?” Robert hadn’t heard her so nervous since the day she arrived in a new school, and the way she stammered her words was incredibly endearing.
Robert could see recognition pierce the layer of admiration displayed blatantly on Steven’s face. “What, go out? Like, together?”
Ruby’s cheeks flushed vermilion; She replied quickly, “What? Can’t two friends head out together for a day?” She didn’t meet his eyes.
Steven smiled. “Oh. Yeah, sure, why not.”
Smiling, Ruby said, “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She turned on the heel of one shoe and walked down the street away from him.
Steven watched Ruby until she stopped, waved, and walked up the steps to a building on the left side of the street. Then he wandered down the street back the way they had come. Robert pressed himself against a vestibule, hiding in the shadows. As Steven walked by him, his wide smile couldn’t be more obvious.
Robert watched Steven very closely over the next few days, and he didn’t like what he saw. Steven seemed happier, and he was acting like his old self, only more carefree than he had ever been before. Ruby still sat by him every class, but now David and Leonard had moved across and sat with him, too. He was smiling and laughing with his three friends and was doing his schoolwork quite happily. If the teacher’s overheard comments were to be believed, he was even catching up to where he had been before Lindsay’s death.
It seemed Steven’s three friends were making a profound effect on everyone else at the school. People were questioning everything, and many were acting almost normal toward Steven again. It seemed that the brown-haired boy’s life was returning to how it had been before the trial, but things were changing dramatically for Robert.
He was the only one who flat-out refused to forgive Steven. He maintained that Steven killed Lindsay and should be hated for it. He made sure he never talked to Steven and tried to convince everyone else to think the same way he did. Unfortunately for him, no one did, which left him the odd man out more often now.
As things progressed, Robert was sitting by himself in class all the time. He refused to speak to anyone who considered Steven a friend, so he spoke to practically no one. It seemed to Robert that their roles had reversed. Steven was becoming popular and happy, while Robert was becoming isolated and depressed.
Steven typed happily away on the laptop while Ruby spoke to Leonard about something, and David did nothing as usual. Robert typed in the corner of the room with his eyes glued to the screen. Ruby turned around and said to Steven, “So, what do you want to do tomorrow?”
Steven stiffened for a moment before he spoke slowly and quietly. “Well, would you want to spend the day in the city?” he finally asked with a tense smile.
Ruby smiled back, her voice at normal volume. “Sounds great! What time do you want me to meet you?”
Robert stiffened as he listened to them make plans with the murderer. Ruby and Steven were heading into the city together, alone? Was it a date? Was something going on between them?
Leonard winked at Steven, and the boy quickly looked away with a proud smile. David and Leonard started to talk about what they would do the next day without “the lovebirds” while Ruby blushed. She smiled at Steven, then continued with her work. Steven sighed heavily and looked at his screen like it was making him want to throw up.
An idea popped into Robert’s head that he couldn’t ignore. What if Steven was planning something? What if he was going to do something terrible to Ruby like he did to Lindsay?
Lindsay hadn’t deserved to date someone like Steven, and neither did Ruby. They were both too good for him.
Robert paced around his room, punching his bed at random intervals. Why was Ruby going out with Steven? Why was everyone turning against him and being friends with Steven? What was he going to do?
Get back at him for what he has done to you.
Robert sp
un around at the sound of the voice and found that no one was around. He was alone in his bedroom with his movie posters and memorabilia. Why did he hear voices? Was he going crazy now? He put his head in his hands and took some deep breaths.
He wasn’t sure why Ruby was going out with Steven, but he was determined to find out and put a stop to it before it ended badly. He refused to let her get hurt–or worse, die–because she had terrible taste in guys.
If she were going out with me, I would make sure she didn’t commit suicide, Robert thought. I would keep her safe.
You can keep her safe.
Robert considered the voice for a long moment before nodding his head in agreement. He couldn’t be her friend because of Steven’s lies, but he could still protect her. He could tell her the truth he never told Lindsay–that he, Robert, was the one they deserved. He was the only one who could save Ruby now.
Robert paced at the bus station, sweat dotting his upper lip and dripping down his back under his t-shirt. There were no longer butterflies in his stomach; a pack of Gorillas had taken up residence there instead and were fighting in a violent deathmatch. He wiped his forehead and tried to calm down. They weren’t meeting for a date, so why was he so nervous? He focused on Steven walking toward him, lost in his thoughts.
Steven didn’t flinch when Robert jerked into his path and bumped into him, but when he looked up, he froze, an apology on his lips. Both boys seemed to stare for ages before Robert finally turned to move on.
“Robert, wait,” Steven said.
Robert stopped and looked back. His teeth were bared through a tight scowl, and his eyes burned with rage. Steven hesitated for a second but quickly seemed to gather himself. “Robert, why are we still like this?” He waited for a response, but none came. Steven took a breath and tried again. “I’m not asking you to forgive me, Robert. Please, I just want us back to the way we were. Or at least be on speaking terms. I know you won’t forgive me for what happened to Lindsay, but I swear, I would never have let her hurt herself if I’d known.”
Robert’s felt his face relax as he stared at Steven. “Who are you?”
Steven staggered back like Robert had punched him, and his eyes started to water. “Robert, please, don’t do this. Why can’t we be friends again?” He reached out, but Robert took a step back and held up his hands.
“Look, buddy, I don’t know who you are, but keep away from me. I don’t want any of what you’re selling.”
Robert turned and marched off. He wouldn’t allow himself to turn back. The sniffles coming from behind him were all he needed to know.
Robert hid on the platform and watched the door intently. A few minutes later, as Steven and Ruby entered the station, Robert studied the two teenagers.
Steven seemed distracted, but from what Robert could see, Ruby hadn’t noticed. They bought their tickets and waited for the bus. They didn’t hold hands but stood close to each other, not quite but almost touching.
When they got on the bus, Robert boarded after them and tried to keep out of sight, hoping they wouldn’t notice him.
Robert seethed behind them after they got off the bus. They wandered around the city, talking about school and other normal, boring things. Robert thought that Steven knew he was there as their eyes met once or twice. Steven would meet his eyes and press his lips together. Then his attention would return to Ruby. He showed her the things only someone who had lived in the area for years would know about, and she made fun of him for never having lived anywhere else. She told him about the school she moved from and how she had gotten on the wrong side of the wrong girl. She almost teared up once as she explained the way the girl, once her friend, had turned completely against her and brought most of the rest of her friend group with her. Once the important stuff was over, they talked about graduation, their plans for the future and laughed happily together at remembered antics of their mutual friends.
Robert couldn’t imagine how the day could get any worse.
15 Compassion/Disgust
Ruby
The not-date is going well, thought Ruby.
She confided in Steven some of her dark past to encourage him to open up to her. The story of her fall from grace at her old school still sent a shiver down her spine. Steven showed concern when she shuddered during the telling and gave her the time to compose herself when she almost cried recounting her own version of Robert. It tore at her heart to relive the memories, but it was important for Steven to know that she, too, had her skeletons and that he was not alone. It was as if their mutual destruction at the altar of high school linked them to each other. It’s incredible how the simple act of compassion and the knowledge that we are indeed not alone can rescue someone from the quagmire that is regret. That is sadness. That is depression. Our brains, the jerks that they are, would have us believe that we are so, so alone. That no one could relate. That no one could forgive. It’s as if we’re programmed to see the worst in ourselves. The acknowledgment of this human fragility was one thing, but to put that knowledge into practice? That was the hard part.
The hard stuff was in the past, though. It was time to live for tomorrow. What’s that saying about living in the past? She would not be doomed to repeat her mistakes. Ruby smiled as that jerk brain of hers quipped, You get to make all-new mistakes! She was happy that the conversation veered toward the shenanigans of Leonard and David after a brief foray into graduation. It wasn’t that she needed to keep the conversation shallow; she just needed the release after the seriousness of their similar past. It was a reminder that she could’ve ended up just like Steven—a pariah in a place that should’ve been there to comfort and reassure him. No one died in her sordid tale, but that made the casual callousness inflicted on Steven worse. She had her parents to help her through it. What did Steven have? She smiled. Steven had her.
The tour of the city had been fantastic. Ruby acted as the tourist for Steven even though she saw the significant sights soon after moving to the city. She didn’t need a tour guide to see the tourist attractions—the internet could give her an itinerary. While she enjoyed art, seeing yet another museum didn’t seem like a valuable use of their time. But Steven knew all the little private galleries and bistros. He knew the history of the city he grew up in in a way that she never would. She relished the time wasted with him. She hugged herself. Really, it wouldn’t be a total waste, she thought, if she was spending it with Steven. But they were just friends, right? Something more? She enjoyed spending time with Steven. Not that they were doing things—just being with him. She felt a flutter in her stomach. Whatever that means. His little anecdotes relayed as they passed one business or another. He could’ve been reading a shopping list, and she would’ve hung on his every word. Darn that fluttering again! she thought.
She caught the occasional look on Steven’s face. She’s seen that look before. He wanted to be more than just friends. But was she ready to put herself out there again? Getting hurt was easy, especially with a boy like Steven. He had his own baggage. It wasn’t just the aftermath of Lindsay’s death—she could deal with an ex-girlfriend. But one that ended her own life? It wasn’t complicated science to see that Lindsay’s choice still hurt Steven. He wore his pain on his shoulders as if the weight of their relationship was an anchor that he dragged with him everywhere he went. But it was something else too. He told her briefly about losing his apartment, his time in jail, and the trial. The fluttering grew into a stampede.
She saw the way his eyes lit up when he talked about Lindsay. It was almost magical the way he still felt for her. Could there be room in his heart for her too? The world is full of broken people. Human relationships are messy. It wasn’t as simple as “boy meets girl” anymore. She supposed that the perception of reality was a major factor in relationships. It sure was in high school. Her dad liked an old pop/rock song that went on about how high school never ends.
They were meandering through the city. Strolling down the sidewalk beside him felt natural. It felt pleasant.
Well, other than the war raging inside her. They would peek into storefront windows, pause, and continue their journey. They didn’t enter any of the businesses. They just saw what they could see.
What is he doing? Ruby thought as Steven lingered in the doorway of one of the many businesses along their path. The door and façade were plain—without a sign or plaque. No windows adorned the brick edifice. No wares enticed them to stop and browse. There was litter wedged along the building where the sidewalk ended, but other than that, the building didn’t appear to warrant further notice. Yet, Steven lingered.
“This is uhh…” Steven started, drawing Ruby from her architectural critique.
She reached out and took his hand.
“I, uh…” He shifted from one foot to the other. “This is hard,” he finally said.
Whatever it was that he was trying to say, it obviously meant a great deal to him. His lips were pressed together, and his eyes had a slight shine to them. The same glint he had when talking about Lindsay. This is important, she thought. She squeezed his hand. “That’s okay. You can tell me,” she insisted.
Steven smiled. “Don’t they say it’s bad form to talk about…To talk about an ex-girlfriend?”
Ruby grasped his other hand. She was aware of the closeness the two shared. Apparently, so did Steven. A crimson flush rose on his cheeks. Her thundering heartbeat slowed, and the feeling in her stomach ceased. It was as if her body recognized that they were at a precipice. A precipice leading to…Ruby silently willed Steven to continue.
“We uh…don’t,” Steven began.
“If you want to share something with me, you can,” Ruby whispered. “I promise to listen without judgment.”
Steven nodded. “Let’s…Let’s find a place to sit down.”
