Mental State

by M Gardner

  The priest had good things to say about them both. About how they had been friends for years, how they had always stuck by each other. He mentioned Lindsay’s suicide and the problems they had toward the end. It was almost a clinical recitation of facts. The priest even made a quick note of how each died. Steven stabbing Robert, which they now knew was accidental, after Robert’s apparent psychotic break and Steven being shot by a rookie cop—his first week patrolling solo.

  “Now they are together in heaven, and let us pray they remain friends there forever.” He began to pray, and many bowed their heads to do the same. Leonard had his face in his hands. David was rubbing his friend’s back while trying to hold back tears of his own. Ruby couldn’t bring herself to bow her head in silence. She stared at the large photo of Steven. Why did this happen when they finally discovered each other’s feelings?

  The priest ended the service with more words about living forever in God’s presence. It was all a load of crap. Everybody knew it, but they nodded at the kind words anyway. People got up and began to drop white roses on the coffins as they were lowered into the cold hard ground. Ruby got up and dropped her rose onto Steven’s coffin. She couldn’t make her fingers cooperate, and she just turned her hand over and allowed the rose to drop. She watched as it fell in slow motion and landed without a sound. A buzzing in her ears was the only thing that she heard. She was aware of voices. Their cadence and tone soft and insistent. She ignored them all.

  She turned, and instead of returning to her seat, she walked away. She couldn’t stomach any more empty platitudes. It was all just so overwhelming, and she couldn’t stay there any longer. As she hurried under a lone tree atop a slight rise of earth, she let the tears fall like a burst hydrant. She slumped against the tree and felt like crying out. Instead, she whispered at first to herself and then repeated it out loud, “Steven…come back…please…” She fell to the ground in a heap and lay there, not caring if the grass stained her clothing.

  “Come…come b-back!” Ruby said more forcefully, her eyes on the sky. “Don’t leave me here! I love you!” She started to yell, and several people from the funeral looked at her. Ruby fell into a silent fit of tears. She didn’t think she would ever stop.

  “Ruby?”

  Ruby stopped crying abruptly and quickly stood up. A cop stood behind her, a look of deep sorrow on his face, in his full service uniform. Ruby wondered why he was here. There was no reason for the police to be at the funeral.

  “I’m sorry for disturbing you. But…I needed to talk to you.” Ruby watched him carefully but didn’t respond. Tears formed at the edges of his eyes, and he shook slightly. He looked Ruby right in the eye and continued, “It was me.” His eyes dropped, and he kicked a small pile of leaves, one flipped up and clung to his pant leg. “I…I shot Steven.”

  Ruby felt as if she had been slapped. This was the man who killed Steven? He was the one who ripped him away from her? She felt a rush of anger toward him and wanted to lash out against him, but the cop looked so helpless and distraught over what he had done. Ruby’s anger melted away almost as quickly as it had come and was replaced with a sullen emptiness she hadn’t felt in a long time. Compassion, not disgust. She remembered Steven’s story about him and Lindsay at the soup kitchen.

  “It was my first call like that,” he continued, his words coming in a rush. “I never had to deal with something like that before. I mean, there’s training at the academy and simulations and stuff, but…I just…I found Robert dead, with Steven standing over the knife. He was covered in blood…I didn’t know what to think. He just yelled at me to help him and threw his arms out.” Tears were in Ruby’s eyes, blurring the man’s confession, but she didn’t interrupt. She understood that he had to explain, to get it off his chest. To find absolution.

  Compassion, not disgust.

  “I flinched; I was just so shocked. I squeezed the trigger, and…well…you know what happened then…”

  The cop succumbed to his own tears and sunk to his knees. This man was visibly wrecked. Ruby had fresh tears flowing, but she stepped forward and placed her hand on the cop’s shoulder. He looked up at her, fear flittering across his eyes. Compassion, not disgust. It was a mantra—the words Steven shared with her when he was the most vulnerable.

  Ruby did not smile, but she forced her face to soften. “It’s okay; I forgive you.” In truth, she wasn’t sure if she believed those words. In a city of hundreds of thousands, the death of a young man wasn’t anything new. The news anchors droned on and on about statistics and gang violence. But this affected her directly. No longer was the death of the young at the hands of a cop an abstract.

  “And there’s something else,” the man said, taking her hand in his. “Steven’s last words. He loved you, Ruby. He wanted you to know that before he died.”

  The realization only made the pain of her loss hurt worse.

  Ruby sat on the big easy chair in her living room. The television droned on an all-news channel as background noise. She sobbed, her face in her hands, and thought about all she had lost. She had only stayed at the wake for an hour and then left. She walked around in a daze and somehow ended up at her apartment building. She couldn’t bear to be at the funeral. To hear everyone telling stories about Robert and Steven. To have people ask her what happened between them at the end. To think about Steven’s last words and how they would never be able to live happily ever after.

  Why did this have to happen? She was so happy, and Steven was finally happy after so much sadness—after so much pain. Why did he have to be torn from this world? Why did he have to die? Ruby needed to feel his warmth so bad. She longed for the feel of his hand in hers. She needed to be with him.

  You can be with him.

  Ruby spun around so fast she nearly fell off her chair. “Who’s there?” she called out. No one answered. She picked up her jacket and stopped at the front door. She slowly turned and looked back down the hallway. What was this feeling she had? What was she thinking?

  You can be with Steven and even Robert. They miss you.

  Ruby felt fresh tears. They missed her? “I miss you so much, Steven!” Ruby cried out to the empty room as if he could hear her. She wanted to be with him again. But how could she? They were dead. How could she feel Steven’s arms around her once more if they were dead?

  You know how. Make them happy, and see them once more. You are the reason they died.

  “You don’t mean…”

  It was all for you, Ruby. You know what you must do!

  Ruby stopped mid-sentence, the horror of what the voice was asking finally sinking in. It wanted her to kill herself? No, she couldn’t do that. Steven would never want her to kill herself. After all, a voice is what caused Lindsay to commit suicide; there’s no way he would want her to do it.

  But he wants to be with you. He thought you would do anything to be with him. He died for you!

  “I know, and I would!” Ruby cried out. “But, it’s just…killing myself…” Ruby found doubt forming in her mind. If she did it, it would mean she would be with Steven again. But surely he wouldn’t want her to kill herself? Not Steven.

  Ruby found herself walking through her apartment toward the kitchen. What was she doing? She found herself standing in front of the counter and opening a drawer to pull out a knife. It was a butcher knife, polished every week by her mother. The metal gleamed, the wooden handles matching layers of alternating wood. She stared at it for several minutes. Did Steven really want her to kill herself?

  He wants to be with you; do what you must to be with him once more. Don’t make his death be for nothing!

  Ruby swallowed. “If it means I can see Steven again…” She held the knife over her wrist, her trembling hand reflecting light across her arm. Would it hurt a lot? How long would it take? How long will it be until she saw Steven’s face?

  He’s waiting. Go to him!

  “I’ll see you soon, Steven…” Ruby murmured. She shut her eyes and placed the knife against
her skin. All the doors and windows were closed, and she had forced her parents to stay at the wake in her place, so it would be a while before anyone found her. Ruby took a deep breath and prepared to cut herself.

  A warm breeze blew her hair, and she saw a face in her head.

  “Steven?”

  The knife dropped from her hand with a clatter. It had been Steven. He had brushed her hair somehow. Ruby didn’t know how she knew that it was him, but she was sure. He had come to her, stopped her from killing herself, and gave her another chance. He didn’t want her to die. Another brush against her hair, and Ruby heard a voice. It was not the voice from before; this one was soft and calm, and she recognized it immediately.

  Live.

  The single word in Steven’s kind voice was all Ruby needed to hear. She picked up the knife with tears running down her face and placed it back in the drawer. She looked up as if looking toward heaven, and with a teary smile, she spoke her final words to the boy she loved.

  “Thank you, Steven. I will always love you, no matter what happens. I will see you one day...but not today.” She breathed in and sniffled. “Goodbye,” she whispered, and walked out of the kitchen to embrace the rest of her life—come what may.

  Author’s Note

  Thank you for reading Mental/State. I hope you enjoyed it!

  Please take a few moments to leave a brief review of this story on your favorite retailer’s website to let other readers know what you thought of this story. Writers strive for reviews, and it’s not just the number of stars awarded. Please leave a review regardless of any star rating. A review the length of a tweet is great, and longer reviews are even more appreciated.

  I look forward to reading your thoughts and thank you again for taking the time to read this important story. If you wish to see what else is going on in my world, social media and website links are in the “About the Author” section.

  About the Author

  Mark Gardner (writing as M.A. Gardner) is a US Navy veteran, author and broadcast professional living in Prescott, Arizona. His grandfather introduced him to the alternate history writings of Harry Turtledove at a young age. That started a life-long love affair with speculative fiction. in 2011, he began to write his own stories. His books are favorites among fans of Sin City, The Martian, The Punisher, and Firefly. His work is a fast paced, no-nonsense, thrill ride into many genres, including science fiction, superhero, dystopian, murder mystery, and historical fiction. His works are available in six languages.

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