The Bad Boy’s Heart

by Holden, Blair

  He still looks good, the bastard.

  Not that I care.

  “Wait, hey, wait!”

  Gritting my teeth, I force myself to slow down. That would be the mature thing to do, right? I can’t avoid him forever. We live in the same neighborhood, for Christ’s sakes. I need to handle this like a grown-up. Even if what I want to do most involves a train track and some really sturdy rope.

  The worst part is that it’s not him I want to subject to a painful, writhing death. It’s her, the girl who came and wrecked my whole world.

  I don’t know if I can even hate him.

  Walking slowly till I get to my car, I lean against it and wait for him to get to me. It looks like he’s been running or had the breath knocked out of him. I notice how unhealthy the pallor of his skin is. He looks terrible but in a…cute, tortured, starving-artist kind of way.

  My conflicted emotions about him are so healthy…not.

  My heart’s racing wildly, and it reaches the point of bursting out of my chest by the time Cole nears me. We haven’t been this close in weeks. Not since he came to my room that one time, but he doesn’t know that I know. This, right here, is the first time we both know we’re going to talk and that it’s going to be important.

  I’m not sure I’m ready.

  ***

  “Hey,” he breathes out, his voice hoarse.

  I feel the pull immediately, that intense emotional connection that I’ve always had with him. It’s there, thickening the tension between us. I’m genuinely at a loss for words or actions. It’s not like I’ve read up on the protocol for dealing with cheating boyfriends, or ex-boyfriend? I don’t know. I’m so confused, and he’s making it worse by being all up in my space. When he’s at a distance, I can store away all the memories and feelings. There’s only this dull ache somewhere in the back of my mind. I’ve trained myself to ignore it, but I can’t do that now. It’s all coming back. Him, her. Him with her, and the past month, everything’s playing like a film reel inside my head.

  And all he has to say is “hey.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  He looks crestfallen that those are the first words he hears from me. I sound harsh, but not overly emotional. The goal is to tell him that he can’t be a part of my life anymore, and nor can I be a part of his. We need to let each other go. There’s too much pain in the past, and if I ever go through something like that again, I won’t make it out of there alive.

  “Tessie, please just…”

  “Don’t. No one calls me that anymore, so just don’t.”

  He exhales and runs his hand through his hair; the familiar sight makes my eyes sting.

  “I deserve that—I do. But can we…can we try to fix this? I…I just wanted to check up on you. How are you feeling now?

  His eyes dart to my bandaged hand. It makes me so glad I’m having the damn bandage removed tomorrow, but it’ll leave a scar. Good, that way I’ll always have a reminder of when I was at my lowest. It’ll remind me to never get that way again, especially not over a guy.

  “I’m fine.”

  “Congratulations about Brown; I always knew you’d get in.”

  Oh right, that. I got into the one university I’d always wanted to get into, the only one I’d applied to, stupidly enough, and I’d received the acceptance a few days ago. I kind of resent him for the fact that I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. He took that away from me. Regardless, at least that’s some good news.

  “Thanks.”

  He struggles to make conversation, and I stick to overly economical replies. It’s painful being here with him when all I want is to scream and shout at him, hit him. I don’t know what he’s doing by making us both go through with this.

  So, I ask.

  “Why are you here? Why are you asking all these questions that don’t even matter?”

  He sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I miss you; I really miss you. I still love you, even if I don’t deserve you. I needed to see you, hear your voice. I’m—”

  “If you care about me at all, then do me a favor.” I look him right in the eyes as I prepare to deliver the final blow.

  “Anything, ask me anything.”

  “Leave me alone. We’re done; you did what you had to do. I watched my parents cheat on each other; I saw my brother get shattered over what Jenny did to him. I can’t be like that; I can’t be them. So, you need to back off before we make things worse.”

  His lips turn into a straight line; his eyes blaze with fury. “What we have is nothing like your parents or what happened with Travis. You know I love you; you know I would never hurt you on purpose. If you never believe anything I ever say again, then just believe that.”

  Heart pounding, I will myself to not become weak. “You’re right about one thing. I’m never going to believe anything you say ever again. You think it’s just what you did that’s the problem here? Are you forgetting what you said to me? How you ridiculed me? All this time you’ve been telling me to respect myself, but you never learned to respect me. In your head, I’m still that pathetic girl who’s obsessed with your brother. You never got over that, and I did everything to prove you wrong. Do you see how big of a hypocrite you are? You did everything you were afraid I would do.”

  There—damage done. I’ve said all that I’ve been venting into a diary these days. But while it felt good on paper, it feels absolutely horrible now. The blood drains from Cole’s face; he looks sickly pale and like he’s just been struck with something heavy. His eyes become glossy, oh god.

  I need to get out of here before I say or do something else. He doesn’t try to stop me when I get into the car and leave. As I drive away, I see him in the parking lot, right where I left him. But he isn’t standing anymore. He’s on his knees and his body is shaking violently.

  What have I done?

  ***

  Summer break starts with the girls and me planning a road trip. We’re all going our separate ways in the fall, but for now we can stick together and enjoy what’s left of our time together. We’re also pretty optimistic about the future of our friendship.Weekly phone calls and Skype dates have been sworn upon. Weekly phone calls and Skype dates have been sworn upon, so we’re good on that front. Frankly, I’m not worried; I know I’ll have these two girls as my friends for a lifetime.

  I’m coming back from yet another day of packing up things in Beth’s old house. I pull into my driveway, only to see an unfamiliar car there and someone sitting at the doorstep of the house. It’s a guy, judging from the body shape, but his face is hidden since he’s clasped his hands at the back of his head and is staring down at the ground. I squint to get a clearer vision because although I would not like to be murdered in my own house, I’m guessing an ax murderer wouldn’t be driving a Mercedes.

  He looks up when I get out of the car, shutting the door loudly enough to demand attention. I’m wise enough not to approach a stranger directly, but when I see his face, I realize that he isn’t a stranger at all. He’s much worse, and he reminds me of a time I’d rather not be reminded of.

  Getting up, he dusts off his jeans. “Hi.”

  Rooted to the spot, I try not looking too hostile, but it’s impossible. He shouldn’t be here, even if that’s only because I’m being grossly immature about the whole thing.

  “Lan, w-what are you doing here?”

  He chuckles nervously. “Can we at least go inside the house first?”

  The manners ingrained in me by my country-club mother make me kick myself. Of course, I should invite him in regardless of the fact that he’s Cole’s best friend. So what? That doesn’t make him the enemy or something. It’s the same as with Alex. I can’t blame him for what his friend did.

  “I’m sorry; please come in.”

  Unlocking the door, I let us both in and grab some sodas to make up for my earlier lack of manners. He’s made himself home at a stool by the kitchen island and is studying the house.

  “Nice place.�
�

  “Thanks, it’s my parents’,” I say dryly, popping the top off my Diet Coke and taking the seat opposite him.

  “Rich kid problems, I get it. Been there, rebelled against that.”

  I nod, and then an uncomfortable silence follows. We’re both concentrating heavily on the pattern on the countertop. Finally taking a deep breath, I repeat my earlier question. “What are you doing here?”

  “You know the answer to that.” He studies my face carefully, probably waiting for a violent reaction of some sort.

  But I remind myself of the need to be mature about this, even if I want to run away screaming.

  “What if I don’t want to talk?”

  “You should. What I have to say is important.”

  “But I don’t have to listen.”

  “It would be better if you did, Tessa, please.”

  “Better for whom?”

  “Everyone. You, Cole, your family and friends who have to see the two of you like this.”

  It stings that he’s brought up the ripple effect of our breakup and reminded me of how selfishly I acted. Beth lost her mother, for God’s sake, and even she didn’t go into a downward spiral as badly as I did. I should be ashamed of myself; I am ashamed of myself.

  So, I listen to what he has to say.

  “What has Cole told you about Erica?”

  Hearing her name creates a sort of inferno inside me. I picture her with her red hair, her whole innocent act, and the way her eyes followed Cole’s every move. The more I’ve thought about her recently, the more I’ve realized that she probably came with the plan to ruin my life already formed inside her devious mind.

  “That she’s a man-stealing witch, and that’s the PG version.”

  He laughs. “No, seriously, do you know anything else about her?”

  “They mentioned that their parents are friends, that they’ve been friends for a long time. She told me a bit about her parents, grandparents. I think that’s all.”

  “But you could see how attached she was to Cole, couldn’t you?”

  “I think that would’ve been obvious to anyone within a two-mile radius. She looked at him like…I don’t know, like she worshipped the ground he walked on or something.”

  “But Cole doesn’t see that, does he? He just sees her as this…”

  I complete the sentence for him. “Like his buddy who just happens to be a girl. He buys the whole can-do-no-wrong act. It’s disturbing, actually.”

  He sighs as if he sympathizes and understands exactly how I feel. “You’re right, but I’ve talked to him about it, and I think he finally gets it that Erica’s not just a friend.”

  “Well, that’s brilliant, but it’s too late.”

  “No, it’s not. There’s something else you need to hear, Tessa, and it could change everything. I know more about Erica than you might think…I wish I didn’t, but I do.”

  Confused as all hell, I ask him, “You’re scaring me. What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m saying that I dated her last summer. I stayed at the beach house, and so did Jameson and Seth. Cole invited us, and we all thought it’d be this guys’ summer, but then she showed up. I didn’t notice anything weird at first, but I should have. She was hot and staying in the same place. I was attracted to her, and we started going out. I didn’t realize until later that she used me to make Cole jealous.”

  My heart starts pounding; he sounds like he’s going to deliver a much harsher blow now.

  “She would find ways to bring him up during our dates. She’d ask questions about him, about you…it was weird, but I pushed it off. When he was around, she’d start feeling me up just to get a reaction. When she didn’t get any, she’d get mad and lock herself in her room for hours. Cole never noticed any of this. He even got into a fight with me because he thought I wasn’t treating her right. We got over it eventually, and I haven’t talked to or seen Erica since I left that summer.”

  “Oh. My. God,” I gasp. She’s psychotic, she’s obsessed, and she finally got what she wanted.

  “It’s a lot to take in, I know, but you need to know something about her, Tessa. The thing about Erica, Tess, is that…it’s that she’s a compulsive liar.”

  I’m going to pass out, that’s what’s going to happen here. I can’t breathe, and apparently Lan’s not finished talking.

  “I don’t believe what you do. I don’t think Cole did anything with her. I talked to the guy that night; he was trashed out of his mind. She could’ve told him anything the next day and he would’ve agreed. Because that’s what he does. He blames himself for screwing things up, even when it isn’t his fault. Come on, Tessa, do you really believe Cole would do that to you?”

  Would he?

  Did he?

  Holy Shit.

  “But you said…you just said that he was drunk, really drunk. I…I remember Cole saying he’d been drinking a little, and that would mean he might have had too much to drink when he…”

  “I drove up to give him a ride back into town, Tessa. I was there; I saw the tequila and the whisky and the vodka. I also noticed that …Erica wasn’t hung over at all. Cole, on the other hand, well, it’s lucky he didn’t die from alcohol poisoning.”

  “So, what are you trying to tell me?”

  “I’m telling you that Erica probably fed him shit. That what he thinks happened probably didn’t. Drunk or not, he wouldn’t touch a girl that’s not you. Trust me, I know him.”

  Chapter Three: I Burst Like the Freaking Fort Peck Dam

  “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “Like what?”

  “Like you want to wring me by the neck and feed me to flesh-eating turtles. Beth!”

  “I don’t want to do those things to you, okay, fine, maybe not the second one.”

  I’m lying on my stomach, on my bed observing my two best friends and witnessing a very surreal, Freaky Friday-like moment. Is soul switching possible? If so, then it’s definitely what happened to Megan and Beth. I should ask them if they had Chinese food recently, but I don’t really want to poke that particular bear right now.

  How do I approach this gently?

  “Guys, would you stop pacing? I’m getting a headache here.”

  Their banter immediately stops, and a guilty expression crosses their faces. I’m sick of everyone treating me like I’m made of freaking glass and looking at me like I’ll crack any second. We were doing fine a minute ago; they were discussing the latest development in my love life like the morning news. Then I had to open my big mouth, and suddenly everyone’s on alert to dial 911—wonderful.

  “Sorry, we were just…” Megan stuttered and mentally, I smacked myself around.

  “I understand and I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have snapped at you guys like that but just…just sit down and stop threatening to violently kill each other.”

  That got rid of the tension. But it wasn’t the only problem, by far. The two of them settle down and it begins again. I’ve just told them about Lan’s visit to me yesterday, and it’s caused some strong reactions. It’s also obvious that at some point I told them about what happened at the beach house, what Cole did, and everything up to the point where I basically crushed him with my words in the parking lot. They weren’t happy. I had to barricade the door to prevent Beth from stabbing Cole. Hey, he hurt me, but I still want the guy alive and breathing.

  Now, however, after what Lan told me about Erica and her history with Cole, I’m all kinds of confused, and my best friends aren’t helping. They’re like the devil and angel on either side of my shoulders, making me question everything.

  Beth, the always practical and pragmatic no-nonsense kind of girl, has told me to go with my gut and not immediately give up on Cole. I want to believe her, accept what she has to say to me and go with it more than anything else right now.

  But then there’s Megan.

  “Don’t you think it’s just a little convenient? He just happened to be so drunk that he couldn’t remember what
he did? And doesn’t it seem unrealistic that he’d confess to you when he was hazy about the details? Why would he throw away everything for what could be a misunderstanding?”

  Megan voiced all the questions I didn’t want to ask.

  I sigh as they start arguing again. I don’t know; I absolutely don’t know what to do or whom to trust. The only person that could give me some answers is also the person I want to feed to the three-headed dog in Harry Potter.

  Yeah, it’s better if Erica and I don’t ever cross paths again.

  “Tessa, think of it this way—you have nothing to lose. If you just talk to Cole…ask him what he really remembers about that night, then maybe…maybe you could finally have some closure. That’s the worst-case scenario; you could move on.” Beth sighs, plopping down on the bed beside me.

  My brother has made her quite the optimist; I want to puke. The words move on swirl inside me, twisting my heart and causing all kinds of visions to flash in my head. Me with someone else, Cole with someone else, and eventually we’d become strangers.

  It’d be like I never met him. We’d be dismissed as the doomed high school couple people knew would never make it into the real world. One more casualty of puppy love—the thought breaks my heart.

  “And what if Lan’s wrong?” I whisper. “What if something did happen? I can’t go through that again.”

  “That’s why we need to think this through.” Megan is our voice of reason right now, and I’m clinging to her. She joins us on the bed too, leaning against the headboard. “Don’t rush into it; you could just be setting yourself up for disappointment.”

  That’s what I fear the most.

  ***

  “Hey.”

  I smile widely at my brother, who hands me a cup of coffee. He’s all dressed up wearing a button-down shirt and slacks. He’s even managed to tame his hair, which is quite a big feat for someone from a family that has obvious issues with frizz. Looking at Travis, I can’t be more thankful for how far he’s come. If he were in the same headspace he’d been in last year, Travis wouldn’t have known that I’m graduating today, let alone dress up for the occasion.