Have a Little Faith in Me

by Sonia Hartl

  “I thought you said this was scandalous,” I said to Paul.

  “Wait for it,” he said.

  Next, a boy, who introduced himself as a rising sophomore, confessed to being cursed with ear pimples for masturbating. He even managed to find a passage from Job to support how that had led him to give it up once he found Christ’s love. They’d raid his cabin for sure. Still, pretty tame stuff compared to the peanut butter guy from Paul’s first year. Although anything would seem tame compared to that.

  The twitchy sophomore then handed off the mic to none other than my devious ex.

  “Thank you, everyone, for being here for me tonight,” Ethan said.

  “Don’t speak,” Paul whispered beside me.

  “I heard you the first thousand times,” I hissed back. I sat on one of my hands, a physical reminder that even if Ethan confessed to not being a virgin, I had to stay quiet.

  “I’d like to share with you all how I lost my way this past year, fell into temptation of the wickedest sort, and how Jesus’s love called me back from the brink.”

  My stomach turned. This sounded awfully familiar. The night he’d broken up with me, he called me a temptation. I’d been so deep in my hurt and confusion, I hadn’t realized how skillfully he’d snatched away my agency and reduced me to a problem he had to overcome. I thought he’d meant it as a compliment. In reality, it had been an insinuation.

  “Go on, son.” Pastor Dean laid a hand on his shoulder.

  “I was deceived by a temptress, who promised me a better life outside the Lord. She seduced me into her bed, for which I’m not proud, but I know now this was Satan at work. He used this girl to steal my innocence and drag me down into a life of unforgivable sin.”

  I seduced him? On what planet?

  “The next day I had a long conversation with my pastor back home. He recalled Timothy 2:22, encouraging me to flee the evil desires of youth and cut ties with this girl. He said if I came to Jesus with a pure heart, he would restore my virtue. I put in the work and had many conversations with God. I did as I was asked, and the Lord restored my virgin soul, where it will remain until I’m ready to give myself to one woman.”

  He smiled at Mandy, who looked as if everything she had believed to be true had just blown up in her face. The same look Paul had worn the day his father had left. She glanced at me, all pale cheeks and wide eyes, and I wanted to crawl under a log and burn. This couldn’t have gotten any worse.

  “But Jesus needed to test me, to make sure I remained true to my promise. He allowed temptation to follow me to camp.” Oh my God. He wasn’t done yet. “Though she claims she’s here on her own journey, I have my doubts, given her history. But Jesus has blessed me with a forgiving heart, and I’m willing to hear how she has found her own purpose.”

  He stared right at me as he spoke, and I became a boiling pot ready to steam and hiss. He had no right. This was his kingdom. He could’ve been honest, and he would’ve still had the support of the camp. Aside from Paul, I was completely alone here. Forget crawling under a log. I wanted to shove his face in the fire.

  I had no idea what I’d say, but I had to say something. All the shame of being used and discarded didn’t compare to this public roasting. If I hadn’t snuck out to meet Paul last night, I might’ve taken all this in and found a way to blame myself.

  I wasn’t confused anymore. I was one hundred percent certain I fucking hated Ethan.

  “Don’t,” Paul whispered as he squeezed my free hand.

  I yanked it away. I’d stayed quiet for Ethan’s sake once before. I wouldn’t do it again. It had cost me more in heartache than I’d been able to handle, and I deserved better.

  “Yes. Why don’t we start with the truth?” I stood and snatched the microphone out of Ethan’s grasp. “Since we’re all here sharing our personal shame or whatever, let me introduce myself. My name isn’t Satan. It’s actually Francine, but I hate that name, so just call me CeCe.”

  A few of the younger kids laughed nervously.

  “See, my mom wanted to name me Fancy after her favorite Reba McEntire song, but that song is really about a poor mom selling her daughter into prostitution before she dies, so not really an appropriate name for a baby girl, you know what I mean? So she went with something respectful, but she could still call me Fancy as a nickname.”

  “This is very illuminating, Miss Wells, but your testimony? That’s what tonight is really about,” Pastor Dean said.

  “Sorry. I’m getting to that.” Beside me, Paul had his face in his hands, like he couldn’t stand to watch the train wreck. “Tonight my ex-boyfriend tried to blame me for his descent into temptation, but I will have you know, he’s the one who pressured me, okay? Let’s just get that part straight. And it wasn’t even good, so it’s not like I’d actually want to do it with him again. I guess that’s all. Just wanted to clarify my position.” I pointed at myself. “Not the temptress here. I’m not the Whore of Babylon you’re all looking for. Although, in hindsight, I suppose opening with the whole Fancy story wasn’t the best idea. Thank you.”

  I handed the microphone back to Pastor Dean and let the stunned silence wash over me. A hundred pairs of eyes regarded me as if I’d grown an extra head. Even Pastor Dean, the man with all the words, didn’t have anything to say. I didn’t care. Ethan had dragged me through the mud, and I’d be damned if I let him get away with one more lie.

  I glanced at Mandy, but she’d turned away, her hair covering her face like a barrier between us. I had no idea what she thought or felt. Maybe I didn’t really want to know.

  Paul stood and stuck out his hand for the microphone. He tilted my chin with his fingertips and mouthed I’m sorry to me, though I didn’t know if he meant he was sorry for what he was about to say, or sorry that I’d spoken up. Either way, this had taken a strange turn. I’d gotten the impression the “Don’t speak” thing went for him as well.

  “You’ve got a tough act to follow.” Pastor Dean regarded him over the fire. “Forgive me for wondering if you really want to share your testimony, or if you’re just going to stir the pot.”

  Paul’s grip on the microphone tightened until his knuckles turned white under the shallow glow of the fire. “‘There will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.’”

  “Luke 15:7,” Astrid muttered behind me.

  Pastor Dean nodded, a light smile touching his lips. “Go on, son.”

  “Before you judge CeCe, and I’m sure you are, think of your Scripture. James 3:14: ‘But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your heart, do not be arrogant and so lie against the truth.’”

  Ethan jumped to his feet. “You’re the last person who should be picking apart my testimony. If we’re going to quote Scripture, what about John 2:22: ‘Who is the liar but the one who denies that Jesus is the Christ?’?”

  I ping-ponged between the two of them. They might as well have been speaking in tongues for all I understood, but it sounded like Paul had called Ethan a liar, and Ethan had acted like he couldn’t lie because of Jesus. Or something.

  “CeCe can’t interrupt to defend herself when you spread lies about her, but you’re allowed to interrupt when I’m speaking the truth? Have a seat.” Paul shoved him back onto his log. “I’ve got the mic now.”

  Jerome stood up. “Man, this is supposed to be a night of sharing our love for Jesus, and the two of you are out here swinging your dicks around.”

  A couple of boys in back burst out laughing. Pastor Dean tried to run a hand through his tightly gelled hair, but his fingers got stuck, which made a few of the counselors nudge each other. If this were a movie, an asteroid would strike at any moment, ending this whole bizarre evening in a fiery blaze.

  “That’s enough.” Pastor Dean took the microphone back. “The three of you, back to your cabins. Now. We’ll meet in the morning to discuss your future at this camp.”

  Priscilla took her role as g
uard dog pretty seriously. She grabbed my arm and hauled me away from the blessed souls who were in danger of being tainted by my mere presence. Michael, not Mike, led Paul and Ethan toward the other side of the lake, but he didn’t attempt to manhandle them. I shook off Priscilla and stomped between a cluster of terrified girls. They cowered against each other, as if they feared coming in contact with the girl who had Satan working through her to ruin Christian boys.

  I checked behind me for Mandy, though I had no idea what I’d say. Her log sat empty, along with Sarina’s and Astrid’s, and I assumed they’d be off comforting her while in their minds I became everything Ethan said.

  The idea of leaving without my community service hours and getting grounded until I turned eighteen didn’t seem so bad anymore.

  As I slunk along behind Priscilla, I watched the boys until a row of cabins blocked my view. The bonfire crackled and popped in the distance. Testimonies carried on, though they became more muffled the closer we got to the woods. The tiny speakers set up by the lake were no competition for nature.

  Priscilla deposited me in front of cabin eight. “I’ll be out front for a while, so don’t think about going anywhere.”

  “You’re loving this, aren’t you?”

  “Let’s just say, I’m not surprised.”

  “Cool. Glad we had this talk.” I marched up the stairs and slammed the door.

  The girls had turned out the lights, but the little jump from Sarina’s bed and the lack of snores from Astrid’s let me know they weren’t actually sleeping. A Mandy-shaped mass, covered completely, gently shook on her bed. Her quiet sobs barely rose above the crickets chirping outdoors. I could wait until morning to find out exactly how much she hated me.

  Chances were, I’d be going home anyway.

  Chapter 14

  Priscilla came to collect me before the rest of the girls woke up in the morning. Pastor Dean wanted to meet early, before devotions. Probably so he could usher us off the property before anyone saw us, and then act like we’d never been there at all.

  Paul trekked around the trail by the lake. The sun had barely begun to light the sky, and a hazy twinkling of stars could still be seen hovering above the trees. I had no idea how he’d been able to share a cabin with Ethan after everything that had gone down. When he got close enough, I checked him over for any signs of a brawl, but he just looked a little sleep rumpled.

  “What happened after the bonfire?” I grabbed his face, turning it from side to side to make sure he was okay. “You don’t look like you fought.”

  “I didn’t fight.” He took my hands and held them. “They put Ethan in another cabin.”

  “I’m not sorry I spoke up.”

  “I told you it would be a disaster.” He put his arm around me and pulled me to his side. “But you had a right to speak. I figured Ethan would mention his born-again vow, but I should’ve anticipated his total lack of responsibility. How did your night go?”

  “They all pretended to be sleeping so they wouldn’t have to talk to me.” I swallowed the thick lump in my throat. I’d woken before everyone else, and might be sent packing while they were at devotions. Leaving things unresolved felt worse than being ignored. As much as facing Mandy terrified me, I owed it to her to let me have it. “Anyway, I’m sick of talking about it. Where’s Ethan so we can get this over with?”

  “I think Pastor Dean wants to meet with us first.”

  “Is that good?” I glanced at the chapel door. “Or bad?”

  Paul shrugged. “This might be the end of the road.”

  “Yeah.” I bumped him with my elbow. “Before I get grounded for the rest of the summer, I want you to know there isn’t anyone else I’d rather fake-date while being a fake Christian.”

  “Same.”

  Before I had time to stress about it further, Pastor Dean poked his head out of the chapel and looked around. Like he really paid the counselors enough to stand guard over two almost grown teenagers at the butt crack of dawn. Frowning, he motioned us inside and shut the door. He had a mess of papers spread over his desk, and the chairs he directed us to sit in were so low to the ground, our heads barely rose above the desk. My dad would’ve called that a power move.

  Pastor Dean steepled his fingers, the fresh coat of gel in his hair still slick from the initial application. He wore a tie shaped like an electric guitar, though I would’ve been willing to bet he was as much a rocker as I was a Christian. “I invited you here this morning to give you a chance to explain yourselves.”

  “I’m not sure what you want us to explain,” I said. “I hope you can understand why I had to speak up last night.”

  “Believe it or not, Miss Wells, I do.” He took off his hipster reading glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I’ll be speaking to Mr. Jones later, but I hope you can understand my position as well.”

  “What is your position?” Paul asked.

  “When your mother said you’d be coming to camp this summer, I was thrilled.” Pastor Dean put his glasses back on and looked over the rims at Paul. “Your brothers were exemplary campers. But I’m not convinced you’re here because you intended to return to your faith.”

  “I didn’t abandon my faith.” Paul peered over the desk, and his eyes scanned the papers spread around. “I cleared out the clutter.”

  “I see.” Pastor Dean pulled all the papers together on his desk and stacked them off to the side. “I didn’t call you both here to punish you. I want this camp to be a fun and safe place, but I have to think of the kids who came here because they’ve opened their hearts to the Lord and are eager to gain a better understanding of His word.”

  “And we want that too,” I said. “We like the workshops and devotions and all that stuff. And okay, I’m not as well-versed in the Bible as everyone else, but I’m trying.”

  And by trying, I meant I’d been trying to win back my awful ex who wasn’t worth the trouble, and now that I’d rather roll around in a patch of poison ivy than spend another second in his company, I’d try to avoid my parents’ wrath if I got sent home early. But Pastor Dean didn’t need to know that.

  “Was disrupting Priscilla Wayland’s workshop part of your effort?”

  “No.” I glanced down at my hands. “We don’t get along.”

  “Here’s what I’m going to do.” Pastor Dean stood and walked around his desk. “I’m going to give you two another chance, but only one. No more staging workshop walkouts or starting public confrontations.”

  “Yes, sir,” we said at the same time.

  “Step one toe out of line, and you’re done.”

  “I understand.” I stood and shook his hand. “Thank you.”

  “I’m all about second chances, but don’t make me regret it.”

  Astrid burst through the door, her curls flying in a million directions, a light sheen of sweat glistening her face. “You can’t throw out CeCe. She’s the best thing that ever happened to this camp, and if she’s gone, I’m gone too.”

  Oh my God. Astrid was here. Standing up for me? My stomach started doing funny things, like the first time I’d gone to a school dance and swayed with Will Durham to an outdated love song. I could’ve hugged her, but I also wanted to shove her out the door so she wouldn’t get in trouble.

  “Me too.” Sarina came in behind Astrid, her voice barely above a whisper. “But it would be great if you didn’t kick her out, because my mom would be so mad if I left camp early.”

  I tried to get their attention, motioning to my neck for them to cut it out. As much as I loved them for coming to my defense, Astrid had worked so hard to get her workshop off the ground, and Sarina still needed to find the courage to tell her mom she wanted to keep her YouTube channel. They didn’t deserve to lose everything they’d built over me.

  Pastor Dean rubbed his temples. “No one is getting thrown out today.”

  “Oh.” Astrid looked between us. “Right. Of course not. But if you want to throw Ethan out, we wouldn’t be all that upset.”
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  “Mr. Jones deserves a place here as much as anyone. ‘Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.’”

  “Matthew 7:7,” Astrid said. She couldn’t help herself.

  Pastor Dean led us outside, where Ethan paced in front of the door, his face a light shade of green. Served him right. Astrid and Sarina flanked my sides, pushing Paul away.

  “I’ll catch up with you at devotions,” Paul said.

  I turned to Astrid and Sarina. “You guys are the best. But seriously, don’t put yourselves out there like that for me. If I go home, it’s not a big deal.”

  “It’s a big deal to us,” Astrid said.

  I let that warm my heart for a moment, until we got back to the cabin, where Mandy sat on the steps, twirling the dried-up Queen Anne’s lace between her fingers. I took a cautious step toward her, unsure if she wanted to hit me, less sure if I’d block her. She hadn’t shown up at Pastor Dean’s office, and I couldn’t blame her for that. In fact, I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to speak to me again.

  “I ended things with Ethan,” she said.

  “Are you okay?” I couldn’t read her expression. I didn’t know her well enough yet. Which, oddly, made me feel worse.

  She lifted her chin. “I will be.”

  “Why don’t you two go inside?” Astrid nudged Sarina, who nodded in response. “Let us know if you need anything. We’ll be right on the front steps.”

  I wanted to stay outside too, with the two people who’d put themselves at risk to have my back, even if I didn’t deserve it. But that would’ve been cowardly. The opposite of what Astrid and Sarina had done for me. So I ground my teeth and headed into the cabin.

  Mandy sat cross-legged on the floor, picking at some loose threads on the rug as she refused to meet my eyes. I wanted to defend myself, but that didn’t feel like the right course of action. Anything I could’ve said would’ve sounded like an excuse. I had to let her lead the way.