Have a Little Faith in Me

by Sonia Hartl

  “Don’t worry. I’ll handle it,” he whispered.

  “Handle it how?”

  He didn’t respond.

  “Paul.” At the sound of my voice, Priscilla sent us a sharp look. “Answer me.”

  His jaw remained set as we reached the edge of the woods.

  Pastor Dean waited for us on the first path. “Priscilla, if you’d take Miss Wells back to her cabin, I’d like to speak with Mr. Romanowski tonight.”

  Whatever Paul was planning, he wouldn’t share it with me. A sense of unease settled in my stomach. I had to talk to him before he said something he couldn’t take back. I broke away from Priscilla and ran to where he walked beside Pastor Dean, but they weren’t alone.

  “Paul?” His mom ran forward and wrapped her arms around him. “Praise God. You had me so worried. What were you thinking, running away like that?”

  I shrank back into the shadows. I had a serious amount of respect for Paul’s mom; she had been like a second mom to me growing up. If she knew where we’d been and what we’d been doing, I’d never be able to look her in the face again.

  “We have a lot to discuss,” Pastor Dean said. “Let’s move this to my office.”

  I had no way to reach Paul without going through his mom, so I headed back to my cabin to wait for whatever came next. Priscilla tried to lecture me along the way, but I tuned her out. She wasn’t the boss of me. She wasn’t even the boss of camp. Once my porch light came into view, I rushed ahead of her and threw open the door.

  Astrid, Mandy, and Sarina jumped up as soon as I ran inside. “What happened? Where have you been? We’ve been so worried.” They pelted me with question after question until Priscilla walked in behind me.

  “Lights-out,” Priscilla said.

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “I need to talk to my mom.”

  “Your mother has been informed you’ve been found; she’ll be expecting your call in the morning.” Priscilla opened a side storage closet and pulled out a cot and a ratty wool blanket. “I’m staying here tonight. This cabin has caused quite enough problems this summer.”

  “What are you talking about?” I crossed my arms. “Other than thinking your workshop sucked, we’ve been pretty well behaved. At least they’ve been, and I have been too, until tonight.”

  “There was a raid on our cabin after lunch,” Sarina said.

  “Oh shit.” The condoms they’d stolen from Pastor Dean’s storage. He had to have noticed them missing at one point. It hadn’t even occurred to us to hide them.

  “Language, Miss Wells,” Priscilla said.

  “Fuck off.” Priscilla’s presence in our cabin, where we all shared the most intimate parts of ourselves, made my skin crawl. She had no business being here. “I’m pretty sure I’m in a lot more trouble right now. Dropping a few curse words isn’t going to matter much.”

  Mandy gasped. “Don’t make it worse, CeCe. They haven’t even had a chance to punish us yet because they got so caught up in finding you.”

  “What are they going to do?” I asked. “Throw us in a hole? Feed us nothing but bread and cheese? That’s fine with me. I happen to love both of those things.”

  “They could kick us out of camp,” Astrid said.

  Getting kicked out of camp would be way worse for them than it would be for me. They had reputations within their community, certain family obligations, and résumés to Christian colleges to think about. None of that stuff mattered to me. My parents would probably ground me, but they wouldn’t disown me. My future didn’t depend on this place.

  “They’re not going to kick you out of camp,” I said. “Because I stole the condoms.”

  Priscilla rolled her eyes. “We already knew that. I said lights-out. We’ll deal with the condoms in the morning, after we call your mother and have you meet with Pastor Dean about your disappearing act.”

  “Hold on,” Astrid said. “Why did you assume CeCe stole the condoms?”

  “Because unlike her, the three of you have sterling records here at camp.” Priscilla shook out her blanket. “She’s also a known fornicator, and the only one with motive to steal them.”

  “Known Fornicator would be a great band name.” They’d probably be the kind of band Paul listened to, so underground that they hadn’t even heard of themselves.

  “That’s bigotry,” Sarina said. “You’re targeting her because you know she’s not a Christian. And so what? That’s her choice. Besides, I stole the condoms.”

  “No, she didn’t.” I loved Sarina, but her mom would kill her if she got kicked out of camp. “I stole the condoms, everyone knows, end of story.”

  “Neither of them stole the condoms, because I did,” Mandy said. “I took them right out of the storage unit when Pastor Dean was in the dining hall.”

  “And why would you steal condoms?” Priscilla asked, probably expecting her not to have an answer, because only known fornicators knew what to do with condoms.

  Mandy flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I used to date Ethan Jones.”

  “I know you and your family.” Priscilla paled. “You wouldn’t.”

  “I would. I planned on having all kinds of dirty sex with him. That’s what the zucchinis were for.” Mandy’s face screwed up. “He’s into that kind of thing.”

  Oh my God. I wanted to simultaneously hug her and cover her mouth to keep her from getting in trouble. If the situation weren’t so serious, I would’ve doubled over with laughter. These girls never ceased to impress me.

  “She’s messing with you,” Astrid said. “I stole the condoms. Ask any of the junior or sophomore girls. I led a series of secret workshops dealing with sex education.”

  What was she doing? Those workshops she led, the camp-approved ones, would get her into any Christian college she wanted to attend, and I had no doubt Astrid would run this world one day. “I led the workshops,” I said. “Ask any of the girls. They’ll tell you it started with me.”

  “I’m sure they would,” Priscilla said. “Astrid, I know you preach abstinence in your youth group. I’m not buying your secret workshop story for a second.”

  “My youth group will be undergoing a change once I leave here.” Astrid took my hand. “I’m not so arrogant in my faith that it can’t evolve. I’m constantly learning.”

  “Your faith is being poisoned by toxic influences,” Priscilla said.

  “No.” Astrid put her full might into that one word, and Priscilla shrank back. “I plan to run a more open-minded group. Even if I’m not having sex, there are people in my group who might, and I won’t abandon them or make them feel like they can’t come to me for help.”

  “Is that for real?” I asked her. “That is so cool. You’re going to rock that group.”

  Astrid squeezed my side. “I owe it all to you.”

  “I said lights-out!” Priscilla yelled, and flipped the switch, plunging us into darkness.

  I’d set Mandy’s little alarm to go off before the sun came up. As soon as I got out of bed, I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a Camp Three SixTeen T-shirt. Priscilla snored lightly on her borrowed cot, and because I was extra petty, it warmed my heart to see she’d probably have a kink in her neck from going without a pillow.

  Priscilla sat up and rubbed her neck. “Time to call your mother.”

  She led me to Pastor Dean’s office and left me there, presumably so she could go get more sleep. The sun peeked over the hill with the flat rock. I walked into the dark office and sat down in one of the low-to-the-ground chairs.

  Pastor Dean folded his hands, his desk significantly cleaner. “Before we call your mother, there are some things we need to go over. Mr. Romanowski is no longer at camp.”

  I nodded at the ground, refusing to meet his gaze. “I guess I’ll be following him.”

  “Not today. He told me he put the condoms in your cabin as a prank and led you out to the woods for another prank, but got lost.” Pastor Dean took off his glasses and set them on his open Bible. “This is dangerous be
havior, so I had no choice but to remove him.”

  “Wait. What?” That was what Paul had meant when he said he’d handle it. “You didn’t even ask me if that was true. You just assumed and sent him home. Why? Because he’s not the Christian you want him to be?”

  “Mr. Romanowski is beyond our help, but we still have a place here for you.”

  “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  I tucked my legs underneath me so I could rise high enough in the chair to meet Pastor Dean’s eyes. I wanted to make damn sure he knew I was beyond his kind of help as well. I wouldn’t give him any part of me. Not after he’d made Paul leave without bothering to speak to me first, like what I had to say was irrelevant.

  “Your mother wants you to stay. You’re very close to earning enough community service hours to meet your graduation requirement. With no more distractions, I think you can accomplish a great deal in your last week.”

  “Why do you want me here? I’m not a Christian, and don’t plan on becoming one.”

  “We’re all God’s children.” His hand rested on a stack of bills. “I see the way you influence the cabin eight girls. If you open your heart to Jesus, you can be a real example here.”

  “Is that Christian talk for your camp is going broke and you want me to be your poster child?” I crossed my arms. “Wouldn’t that be a bit of genius advertising? Look, wealthy parents, see how I saved this godless heathen. Send your children here, and I’ll fix them.”

  “No, and that’s quite enough.” A vein in his temple throbbed as he dialed my mom’s cell with a shaking finger. He handed me the phone.

  “Mom,” I said as soon as she answered. “I’m so sorry you were worried.”

  “Fancy girl. I’m just glad you’re okay. It gave me a scare, but I figured you’d gotten into your usual trouble with Paul.” If she only knew. “You two have always been thick as thieves.”

  “He’s home now. Have you seen him?”

  “Not yet, no.”

  “Mom.” I sucked in a breath. “I know the budget is all-important to you, but I’m miserable here. I want to come home.”

  “Fancy, no. It’s not about the budget. We don’t care about that.” She pulled the phone away from her ear and said something muffled to my dad. “Your father wants you to know we do care about the budget, but not at your expense.”

  “I can come home?” The hopeful note in my voice made Pastor Dean frown.

  “No, but not because of the budget. You said yourself this is a great opportunity to … well, I don’t remember your exact speech, but it was enough to convince me and your father. You’ve got those community service hours to think about. You can see Paul next week.”

  Next week felt like a lifetime, and I had no interest in perpetuating Pastor Dean’s brand of conversion. I needed to leave. And if my mom wouldn’t let me go home, I’d have to get kicked out. Not so easy when Pastor Dean seemed intent on saving my soul.

  “I love you, Mom. See you soon.” I handed the phone back to Pastor Dean and left his office without saying another word.

  Chapter 26

  Back at the cabin, Sarina had taken over the bathroom, but she left the door open so she could listen in. Mandy clipped her nails into a little trash can by her bed, and I sat crisscrossed on the braided rug next to Astrid while she brushed my knotted hair. I filled them in on the finer details of what me and Paul had done in the woods, how he’d gotten our whole cabin off the hook for the condoms, and my intentions to leave.

  “Do you want us to create a diversion so you can sneak into Pastor Dean’s office and call Paul?” Mandy asked. “It might make today easier if you could hear his voice.”

  “No, I’m working up something to get sent home sooner rather than later.”

  The ruse had run its course. I couldn’t stay here anymore. Not without Paul. Even though I adored my cabinmates, we were more than this camp with its rigid rules and unrealistic expectations and false morality.

  “What are you working up?” Astrid asked. “Can we help?”

  “I haven’t fully planned it yet, but I’ll let you know once I do. Did you write down your numbers? I want to stay in touch after I leave here.” I stared at my lap. “And maybe, if you’re okay with it, I’d love to check out your youth group sometime.”

  “You’d be our guest of honor.” Astrid wrote down everyone’s numbers on a piece of notebook paper and then tucked it into my suitcase next to my eye shadow notes. “We should head down to devotions.”

  “Not going.” I couldn’t bear the idea of sitting in the back pew without Paul.

  “You won’t get kicked out for that,” Mandy said. “Maybe before, but not now.”

  “I know, but I could sleep there, or I could sleep here. I choose here.”

  Sarina finished her makeup, a universe of sparkling stars with blue and purple space clouds, and came out of the bathroom. My heart dropped a little when I thought about waking up tomorrow and not seeing them in the beds next to mine. They’d become a family to me when I’d needed a shoulder to lean on, and I’d miss the hell out of them.

  “Don’t look so sad.” Sarina touched my cheek. “It’s not over yet.”

  “It’s almost over,” I said as they closed the door behind them.

  I sat on Astrid’s bed with my legs crossed and took out her notebook, giving them one last story before I left. After I said my goodbye in the best way I knew how, I got in the shower. I buffed and shaved, and took extra time exfoliating. I was still a little sore between my legs. It was hard to believe what I’d been doing less than a day ago.

  I curled my hair, dipping into Sarina’s makeup to do my eyes and paint my lips a bright cherry red. I looked pretty damn good. After I put on a button-down shirt and hosed myself with Vanilla Buttercream body spray, I stared at my reflection in the mirror and took a deep breath.

  “Here’s your one chance, Fancy. Don’t let me down.”

  I gave myself a final once-over and prepared to head down to breakfast, when the girls all piled into the cabin after devotions. “You look amazing,” Mandy said. “What’s going on?”

  “Something has to be going on for me to look amazing? Wow, thanks,” I said.

  Astrid leaned into me and sniffed. “You smell like birthday cake and bad decisions.”

  “It’s my signature scent.”

  “Little Red Corvette is a good lip color.” Sarina walked in a circle around me, tapping her chin. “Doesn’t really go with that outfit, though.”

  “Seriously,” Astrid said. “From the neck up, you look ready to fight ten guys with a stiletto and a nail file. You already told us you’re planning something, so what is it? And more important, why are you leaving us out of it?”

  So much for keeping them out of trouble. The more questions I tried to dodge, the more they demanded answers. “I know how I’m going to get kicked out of camp, and I don’t want you to get involved, so it would be cool if you avoided me for the rest of the morning.”

  “At least tell us what you’re going to do.” Mandy stuck out her bottom lip.

  “Fine.” I couldn’t resist Mandy’s pouty face. “But promise me you won’t try to stop me or take part in this. This is between me and Pastor Dean and Priscilla.”

  I filled them in on what I wanted to do, though I could hardly call it a plan. It was a CeCe-style plan, and the best thing I could come up with in the moment. I wanted to make it very clear to Pastor Dean where I stood, while also letting everyone who stayed for Priscilla’s workshop know how I felt about what she had to say.

  “I can’t believe you’re going to do that,” Sarina said.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t do it sooner,” Mandy said.

  Astrid gave me an appraising look. “Do you think this is the best way to go about it?”

  “Probably not.” I shrugged. “But the girls at this camp are amazing. They are so smart and caring and sure of themselves, and don’t deserve to grow up hating their bodies because they are told they’
re dirty and sinful until they believe it.”

  “Agreed. We’re with you.” Astrid linked her arm through mine.

  “Yep.” Sarina linked her arm with Astrid’s.

  “Girls of cabin eight for life.” Mandy grinned at me as she linked her arm with Sarina’s.

  I loved my cabin so much, it hurt. They almost made me want to forget my whole scheme and stay here with them forever, but it was time for me to go home. And they would support me, because that was what families did. We’d found something real in each other, and it didn’t depend on what I pretended to believe or where I spent the rest of my summer.

  By the time we’d made it down to breakfast, the boys were already at our table. Including Ethan, who thought he had a right to sit there now that Paul was gone, and didn’t really give a crap about respecting the distance Mandy wanted. No surprises there.

  I stood on top of the table, drawing the attention of the room. My heart beat steadily, a soft pulse against my chest. I’d never been more sure of myself. Pastor Dean had already gone back to his office, and I was disappointed he’d miss the show, but he’d hear about it soon enough. Priscilla narrowed her eyes, and I locked my gaze with hers. I wanted to make it perfectly clear who I was speaking to and where she could stick her “personal responsibility.”

  “Hey, everyone!” I shouted. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to say something.”

  Forks clattered to trays and voices hushed to a low buzz as everyone prepared for what looked to be a certain train wreck. And I intended to deliver the goods. I undid my top button.

  “She’s going to strip,” Peter said.

  “No, she’s not,” said Ethan.

  “Listen up, everyone.” Mandy stood and Sarina joined her, digging her nails into her cheeks as she stood. No doubt thinking about how furious her mom would be. Astrid just wore a small smile as she took her place next to Sarina.

  Together, the three of them ushered the kids away from the nearest tables and pushed them back in a line, forming a barricade between me and the counselors trying to get through the crowd. They bought me enough time to make my grand exit. Even if they didn’t necessarily believe in what I was about to do, they had faith in me. It was all I needed.