by A. E. Murphy
“Chinese?” James calls from the living room.
“Sounds great,” I give him a genuine smile so he doesn’t suspect a thing.
He’s always suspicious of you. Especially after the treacle, sugar, lotion, shaving foam and ketchup incident.
This is true. What a hilarious prank, I truly slay myself. This one is so much better.
Later on, in the room. “I reckon they should make ejaculation a sport in the Olympics babe. You’re sure to come first.” Wagging my eyebrows I blow him a kiss and squeal when he lunges for me. With a move that would rival that of a ninja’s I leap over the couch to put some distance between us. “Come here baby,” I crook my finger at him, raise an eyebrow and hit my forehead with my palm. “Oh wait, you already did.”
His eyes narrow, this time he does get his arm around me. “You are so going to regret that.” I feel his nose run up and down my neck and his hands caress my breasts through my top. The buzzer sounds, Chinese is here. “Later.”
“You sure you can wait that long?” I call after him and cackle when he growls in response.
Sometime after dinner, “You know...”
“Enough,” he snaps and glares at me. “I swear to god woman, I’m going to seriously get you back one of these days.” And I shall sleep with one eye open after tomorrow morning because I have no doubt it will push him over the edge.
So why are you doing it?
That is a good question… that I shall answer tomorrow after I put my brilliant plan to work.
“I was thinking of buying you a porno but figured it was pointless as you wouldn’t make it past the age certificate warning.”
I duck whilst chortling as a pillow soars for my face. Ha, he missed!
It’s safe to say he is going to be pissed. I’ve done an amazing job I will admit. I scan the walls to double check everything is in place and text Marie that I’ll meet her in five. After padding into the spare bedroom I kiss James softly on the temple.
I’m barely sat with Marie for five minutes when my phone is ringing. I snigger and press ignore before winking at my friend, “I’m in so much trouble.”
Chapter Seventeen
“You’ve called this emergency meeting why James?” He hands the dear old doc one of the posters I pinned to the wall. “She played another joke on you?”
Ok, so I may or may not have made about forty posters of James, specifically the poster was of him totally naked from behind. The words: Premature Ejaculation, were at the top of the poster. Followed by, Coming soon, at the bottom. Like a movie poster. Unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. Instead of putting ‘starring James’ I put… Currently shooting, James Freeman. In normal font beneath the coming soon part. Then I proceeded to stick said poster on every available wall space throughout the entire apartment along with pamphlets that I printed out on: Viagra, dentures, hair loss, sagging skin, there was too much to print off but I’m pretty sure anti-wrinkle information was in there somewhere as well.
It wasn’t that funny.
It was fucking hilarious.
I think I may have gone too far this time. James is really angry with me. So angry that he won’t even let me touch him. Marie says I’ve completely insulted his abilities as a man and that will not sit well with him. He should be used to my crazy shit by now right?
“I can’t deal with her psycho bullshit. I mean, who does that?” he starts pacing around the office. “She’s driving me mad. You know she still hasn’t read the fucking baby books. She still won’t stay in bed with me or have regular sex with me. Yet all through the day she acts like I’m the greatest person on earth. That is until she pulls this shit.” He glowers at me. “Make up your damn mind! Do you want me or not? Or are you just messing me around for the hell of it? It’s been almost five months since I fucked up! That’s longer than we were married for! Have I not shown you how I feel? Have I not proven to you I only want you?”
“James,” the doc says softly and motions for him to sit. He does, but he does it with attitude. She turns to me. “Did you find this funny?”
I nod slowly like a child caught with her hand in a cookie jar. She raises an eyebrow, she prefers verbal answers. I sigh, “Yes. I’m sorry. It was so funny I laughed so hard I’m surprised the baby isn’t scrambled.” She does not look impressed. Yikes. Tough crowd.
“Why do you do this Maya?” she says without judgment. “Are you punishing him?”
Not really. I’d say more like taking my quirky shit out on him. I can understand why he’s angry, it’s just one thing after another. He wouldn’t even talk to me when I got home. I don’t think it’s the fact I was joking around with him I think it’s the extremes to which I did it. Yes I feel like shit, yes, I regret it but it’s done now.
You’re still laughing about it inside. That’s hardly a decent dose of regret.
“Tell me why you did it.”
“Because it seemed like a good idea at the time,” I respond honestly and avoid the doc’s curious gaze. She then steeples her fingers under her chin and rests her elbows on her knees. I suddenly feel like James has sent me to the Principal’s office. Shit.
“To take your mind off things?” Off what things? “The baby maybe? Or your failed marriage and your inability to give him what he clearly wants?” Hmm… Possibly. Her talent for reading my mind after she asks me a question is amazing. She always seems to know what my answers are. Or am I just that predictable? I’d rather think she’s psychic. I like to think of myself as unpredictable.
“All I want to know is, do I even have a chance with her? Do I have a chance at getting back into her heart, into her life and into her bed?” James turns to me. “I just need to know. You aren’t the same Maya. You’re not as fun as you used to be. Your playful banter has become nothing but petty insults that I know half the time you don’t find funny. I remember when we used to sit and laugh about bullshit, like you wanting me to call you characters out of movies whilst we made love. Now all you do is…”
“Insult his masculinity,” the doc finishes for him.
Have I really become that bad? That mean?
I’m going to have to say yes.
My eyes burn a little, I didn’t realize I was hurting him but now that I think about it he’s sort of right. I wasn’t insulting him on purpose or being mean on purpose.
“How does this make you feel Maya? Now he’s opened up to you? Can you tell us why you’ve been acting this way?” Good question.
Let me think about this for a few minutes. They sit in silence and watch as I mull things over. Could I be punishing him for what he did? Do I even want to be with him or am I with him for the sake of the baby? I’m pretty certain I’d be here if I wasn’t pregnant. Christ. How can I answer their damn questions when my mind is so fucked up? I’m responding to my own internal questions with more questions.
“When I went to LA I managed to sulk for a while, I managed to get myself in a good place,” I begin to talk, I’m not even sure what I’m saying if I’m honest. It’s just wanting to pour out. “I found out about the baby and suddenly my entire world turned upside down. Then James came to LA and I felt like nothing bad had happened. We got home and you know the rest. I saw bony blonde and seeing her brought me no grief, no anger or sorrow. But I remember this intense feeling of wanting to get him back somehow.”
“Hence the syrup incident right?” she starts taking notes.
“Now that I think about it, seeing her. The reason I actually had sex with him. I think it’s because I wanted to lay claim on him. Feel reassured that he’s mine but in reality, he hasn’t been mine since before the divorce.” James exhales sharply and walks over to a bookshelf to my right. He’s giving me a little privacy I think. I’m not sure. “I loved him. I needed him. Hell, I still need him.” I point to my stomach. “But I can’t…”
Do the right thing Maya.
“I just can’t forgive him. The more I think about him and her the worse I feel!” I’m almost shouting now. “I’m
so fucking angry, I remember my first year of college when Marie had her heart broken. She was a crying mess. She kept clutching her chest and stomach with her hands and saying it physically hurt. That her chest ached and her lungs kept constricting like the beginning of a panic attack whenever she thought of him with someone else. That’s how I feel. It’s fucking painful. Physically not just mentally. My hands shake, I become sweaty and warm and I just want to punch him in the face and scream at him. And then I stop thinking about it and lock it away. As if I’ve forgotten completely.”
“This is good Maya. Keep going.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t do us. I love him, I love him so damn much. There’s no way I can get past it. I can’t just keep pretending anymore. It’s not about trust because I do trust him. He’s earned that. It’s not about the baby because that’s my fault not his, I was careless. It’s about our relationship, about him purposely wanting to hurt me. I could forgive him if he did it for pleasure. I’m sure of it. But I can’t forgive him for personally wanting to put me through this pain no matter what reason or excuse he had.”
James steps over to me and kneels before me, that familiar panicked look in his eyes. “Don’t say that, don’t because it’s not true. We can get through it.”
“No we can’t, we’re a mess and I’m hiding behind you. I’m having a baby James and I’m treating the whole ordeal like it’s no more important than buying a carton of milk from the store.” A tear slips from my eye, I angrily wipe it away. “I think a part of me has been hoping you’d break up with me so I wouldn’t have to.” His green eyes go wide with hurt at my admission. Unfortunately it’s an honest admission. “I was too scared to be alone with the invader and the fact I don’t have any family. We can’t get through this because… I don’t actually want to forgive you for it. I don’t want to take you back or remarry you or live with you.”
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry if it makes me a horrible person but every single thing you do winds me up. I used to love all your habits and now they just piss me off as if I’m finding reasons to be mad at you. Hell, I can’t even go to my own damn office without vomiting because of what you did. I’ve been avoiding it and having meetings over lunch and dinners when needed so I don’t have to go there. Just the thought of your arms around me at night makes me wonder if you compare me to her, if you want to call her. If you’d rather this,” I point to my belly. “Be in her.”
“You know that’s not true!” he shouts and runs his hands through his hair before placing them on my knees. “I would never think that! You know it’s not true!”
“Part of me does but that lingering part of me that’s holding on to our doomed relationship for all the wrong reasons is feeling doubts. I feel like I should be with you because of the baby and because my dad told me too and because I love you. But I also don’t think I should because of what you did and how wrong we actually are for each other. I used to think you were fucking perfect and you ruined that for me. The pedestal I had you on came crashing to the ground and I don’t know how to look at you or treat you anymore! I hate you James. I love you but I really fucking hate you for making me feel so damned crazy!”
James looks to the doctor for help, she remains quiet. I think I’ve said all that needs to be said. His voice breaks as he says, “So, that’s it then? You’ve made your decision?”
“Yeah, I guess I have,” back to Numbland I go. “This isn’t going to be a happy ever after because there’s nothing to be happy about.”
“And the baby?” his green eyes glisten with unshed tears. “Maya. The baby?”
“It’s your baby James. I’m not sure what to do about that. Not yet. I need to deal with it first, read the damn baby books. Get myself established again. I’m sick of locking everything away and I’m finally at breaking point.” I’ve just plunged over the cliff and landed in a sea full of my own shit. Too thick to see through. Now I need to find my own way out.
“You can both get through this Maya.” The too young to be a shrink says and touches my arm. “Don’t give up.” I think it’s too late. I gave up a while ago I just hadn’t realized it until now.
“I guess I’ll be moving out then,” James states and clears his throat, he’s clearly trying to keep his composure much like I’m doing. He’s not succeeding too well.
“You can have the apartment.”
He glares at me, “I’m not kicking the woman I love and my child out of their home.”
“I’m moving to my dad’s. It’s where I grew up. It seems fitting.”
It’s time I went home to face the reality that is my life. Bump. Yep, you’re in my thoughts too.
“James,” Doctor Barrett breaks our locked gazes with her soothing voice. “Do you accept this?”
“No, I want to raise my baby as a family. I want to be with her, I want her to love me. Unfortunately she’s too damn selfish to give it a little bit more time,” he walks out without another word, slamming the door closed behind him. I watch as one of the photos of Doctor Barrett and an older looking man falls to the floor. What a weird moment of Deja vu.
Got any cab money?
My purse is in James’ car. Fuck.
I think we did the right thing.
I can’t help but agree. When it sinks in… well let’s just say I’m not looking forward to when it does.
“Maya, why don’t you want this baby?” Oh, the doctor. I forgot about you. “You talk about your dad and he sounds amazing. Is it to do with your mother leaving?”
I shrug, “I don’t know anymore.” She nods and gives me a sympathetic smile. I send a quick text to Marie, as always she’s on her way. “I’ll go wait in the lobby.” She walks me to the door, clearly wanting to push but she doesn’t. Thank god she doesn’t. I don’t think I can take anymore right now.
With a sniff I drop into a chair by the reception desk and turn to face the window. It’s snowing, I love the snow. Makes you realize how close Christmas really is. Christmas, a holiday I’ll be spending on my own.
I watch the snowflakes drift to the damp ground, the black tarmac road becomes spotted with little dots of white. It’s peaceful, relaxing and beautiful to watch. Such the opposite of how I feel. My emotions are anything but peaceful, beautiful and they are certainly not relaxing, my spirit is completely gone. How could I not have noticed this? Every year when it snows I get so excited I jump around until its thick enough to build a snowman.
Wow, I must look seriously depressed. I plaster on a smile for Marie when I see my old car pull up. She exits the vehicle and climbs the three stone steps leading to the door. I beat her to opening it.
“Tell me everything.”
She pulls up in front of my building just as I finish. Ex-building I mean. I watch her as she stares straight ahead, clearly thinking of something to say that’ll make it all better. “Shit.” I feel so much better… “Wow.” And again, you’re really nailing it Marie. “I don’t know what to say. I’m glad.” Wait what? “I’m glad you’re going back home I’m glad you two are taking a proper break.”
“We’re over, completely, totally and completely.”
She gives me a look that tells me she doesn’t believe me. “I wanted to throttle you these past two months. You’ve been tiptoeing around the issue. He fucked somebody else Maya. I wanted to scream it at you, I wanted you to wake up just like after your dad died. Stop fucking listening to everyone else and go with your own… heart or whatever. Listen to yourself. Don’t respond out of guilt.”
Ok, that was unexpected.
She’s not finished, “Summer agrees with me. We think you rushed back here and rushed back to James. You don’t deal with anything Maya. It’s about time you grew up a little.” I can see she’s not being mean, she’s just stating the truth but it still sucks and I still feel insulted. “Stop hiding behind your wit and your ridiculous antics and the emotions you tell yourself you should have. Go grieve your father’s death, go deal with the fact you’re
about to become a mom and go get your head together before it’s too late and you end up with post natal depression and leave your kid with its dad just like your mom did.” Ouch. Harsh. My eyes burn, because she’s right. I can’t deny I haven’t thought about it. And yet, she’s still not done, “Do you remember first year in college? We had that safe sex speech which got us talking about having kids one day. Do you remember what you said?”
I roll my eyes, “I said I’d never let my kid go like my mom did with me.” And I meant it at the time.
At the time?
Details. Now where were we? “Exactly, and you’re going to grow the fuck up, accept this for what it is and be a fantastic mother that will put the rest of us to shame. You’re going to start talking about your little girl during every conversation. You’re going to start sending me annoying pictures when you think she’s pulling a cute face that in reality I’ll probably think makes her look like a pug dog. You’re going to monitor every movement and upload it to Facebook to share with the world because that’s how proud you’ll be. You are not and I mean NOT going to give your child to James and fuck off back to a meaningless life of partying and sex because you have some warped view that that’s the life you love and the life you deserve! We had our fun times, fun times we’ll still be able to have.” Wow, she’s really going for it. “This child isn’t a curse Maya. You were never a curse. Your mom was just too fucking stupid to see how great you really are.” I nod, because there’s nothing to say. She leans over the console and wraps me in her arms. It’s shocking because Marie just doesn’t do things like this. Yes she’s blunt and to the point but never mean, only honest. But I never realized just how much she’s wanted to say to me. I vaguely wonder why she hasn’t said anything until now but I know it doesn’t really matter. She’s right. Everything she said is right that’s what matters. Not the timing of her sudden outburst or the reasons behind it. What matters is the truth and the fact that I really need to stop being a selfish bitch and make my life matter again.
