by A. E. Murphy
The pump is a lot comfier than actual breast feeding but unfortunately hardly anything is coming out, it’s the slowest trickle ever. Perfect… not. I keep at it though. I kind of hoped it would be like milking a cow you know? A few tugs and boom, the bottles full.
BANG! “You ok in there?” I shout to James. He gives me another muffled yes and finally exits my bedroom. “Sorted, where is she?”
I point to the chair, he goes straight over and takes her out, still smiling before disappearing into her room. Probably to change her, I refuse to change her poopy diapers for the fact that it is not poop. It looks like black tar and is all sticky and horrible! It doesn’t bother him. I should be ashamed to admit it but I’m not, there’s no way in hell I’m touching that.
“I’ve asked Lucas to grab some more of my things, I’ve only got enough for a few days,” James says as we eat.
“We’ll talk about that later.” And we will, I’m not sure if I want us living together. Yes we called a truce and right now emotions are running high but I’m not taking him back based on the sole reason that we’ve just had a baby. I’ll let him stay for a week or two until I get the hang of things. We really need to think about this, because if we get back together for the wrong reasons then we’ll just break up again. “We need to take her to get registered. I’ll set up an appointment for tomorrow.”
“Maya,” he has stopped eating and is looking at me. “Marry me… again.” The smile he gives me almost makes me say yes, it’s so boyish and cute. “Please.”
I blink in shock, “Umm… let’s just eat and make it through the week. Ok?”
“You’re going to make me leave aren’t you,” he puts his still full plate on the coffee table. “I won’t Maya. You can’t make me leave her.”
With a sigh I place my own plate beside his, “Stop being an idiot. Let’s not talk about this now.”
“Then marry me, we can be a family. We can start over. No more games, no more lies. No more bad shit between us. Just me, you and our little girl.” The desperate tone in his voice pulls at my heart strings but I can’t say yes.
“Did you fuck her,” I blurt before my brain to mouth filter can kick in. “Honestly. Did you sleep with Zara?”
His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open, “You broke up with me.”
I’ll take that as a yes. “Are you going to answer my question properly or just let me assume the worst?”
“I didn’t, I… didn’t have sex with her,” he sags into his seat and throws his arm over his eyes. “We did… we kissed and did other things. But not sex.”
I nod, even though it fucking hurts to even picture him getting his rocks off with another female I can’t really say anything. “Ok. Let’s just drop it. No I won’t marry you and yes you can stay for a couple of weeks. You can still visit… and when she’s older you can start having her more.”
He gapes at me, a horrified expression marring his beautiful features, “Are you joking? Please tell me you’re joking. Maya. Get over what happened. For Evelyn’s sake. For your own and for mine!” He crouches in front of me. “Don’t take her from me, not now. I can’t… I can’t handle it.”
“I’m not taking her from you. You’re being dramatic.”
“Really?” he lets out a humorless laugh. “How would you feel if I was saying this to you? Really? If I turned around now and said, I’m taking her with me in three weeks. I have rights Maya.”
“You have rights to your child, you have zero rights to me.” Now I’m getting angry. It’s time to push this argument under the rug and leave it until later. “Drop it. We’re both tired, both emotional and both in need of some thinking time. Let’s just… not talk about this today. I only gave birth yesterday damn it. Now drop it, eat your dinner and back off.”
His jaw clenches but he does as I ask and retakes his seat. I finish off my dinner which suddenly tastes like shit. We stay silent for the rest of the night, even when Evelyn needs feeding. I’ve put a bottle with a few ounces of milk in the refrigerator for James to use tonight, I tell him this before I head to bed leaving him on the couch with our little girl. Of course I want to stay awake but I’m shattered and really need just a couple of hours to keep me going.
She only wakes James up twice, he doesn’t seem to mind. I get up about six to feed her, James the tentacle monster is wrapped around me as per usual. Would coming home to this every day really be that bad? Can I honestly get past all of our differences and finally try to be a family? Or am I being an emotional sap and not thinking clearly under the circumstances.
Whatever the case I really should make breakfast. First things first, get Evelyn changed, I can’t wait to start dressing her like a little doll. I lift her from her crib and carry her into her room. What to choose.
“Something smells good,” James says and wraps his arms around me from behind. “You should be resting.” I pat his hands that are wrapped around me. “I’m fine. I promise.” I dump the stack of pancakes onto a plate followed by the meat. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”
James hands me a glass of OJ and a prenatal vitamin, “You should still take these. You’re breastfeeding.”
Whatever. Hungry.
“Moms on her way,” he sits at the table and digs in. “She’s picking up Lucas and Amelia on the way. Is that ok?”
“Sure,” It doesn’t matter to me.
Amelia takes one look at her dad holding the baby and starts crying, at first I thought it was because she was jealous. This is not the case. It’s because it’s her turn to hold the baby. We all laugh and sit Amelia down with Evelyn in her lap. They actually look a little like each other, it’s cute as hell. Amelia is very gentle and careful and smiles beautifully for the camera.
And then Evelyn starts crying, Amelia looks at her and says, “You sound like a cat. Be quiet.” Funnily enough Evelyn looks up at her turns her head and starts trying to chew on Amelia’s arm. So cute!
We have officially become one of those women.
Yes we have. My phone alerts me to a text.
Jacob: She is stunning! Congratulations! I’ll be down in a few weeks. My mom is coming. We’re booked in at the Ritz. Can’t wait to see you all!
The rest of the week drags, I’ve never been so tired in my entire life. Of course it’s totally worth it but I keep getting that feeling where I just want to sleep. Even James is feeling the strain but is going about it with little to no complaints. We take it in turns feeding and changing, we have a good routine. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.
We got her registered a couple of days ago and took her out for the first time. Sylvia is yet again a constant and is dropping hints that James and I make a good little family. I really don’t have the energy to think on this any longer. I am scared of the day he leaves though. Can I really do this alone?
You won’t be alone.
I remember I used to be scared of losing my freedom, now I don’t even have the energy to worry about such things. Plus, who cares about freedom. I’ve got everything I need right here. A home, a family, a job, a life and good friends.
“You really need to talk to him,” Summer suggests, we both look over to the couch where James is sprawled out with a sleeping baby on his chest. I nod in agreement. “What have you decided?”
“I don’t know Summer. I don’t know. I love him so telling him to leave is going to be hard, but he’s right. I’d go crazy if he did that to me. Why should I have more rights than him?”
“If you want my opinion.” I don’t. “Then I genuinely think you two should give it a go. For your own sakes.”
I think about what she’s said but I don’t know. It’s a hard thing to decide no matter how you look at it. God, I must sound like a whiny bitch. I apologize for being so messed up.
I’m sick of the looks James gives me, and how helpful he is and how much he loves his daughter and how much he loves me. I’m sick of the touches, I’m sick of the kisses and the cuddles at night. I’m sick of it because
I enjoy it too much. Any thoughts of what he did with bony blonde are completely out of my mind. I think I’ve finally forgiven him. I’ve finally gotten past it. Now the question is… do I want him? Or do I want to remain alone? Will we work? Will he actually accept me as I am and for who I am?
“You look a little lost in thought,” Summer tucks her legs beneath her.
“I don’t know what to do. Have you found your dream house yet?”
“Nope.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
She gives me a reassuring smile and holds her arms out. Time for Evie snuggles.
Ewww. “JAMES!” I shout and continue patting Evelyn’s back. It’s three in the morning. “JAMES?”
“What?” he barks and exits the bedroom. “What’s wrong?”
“She just projectile vomited,” I show him my now vomit soaked arm and point at the wall by the couch.
He gapes at me, “And you couldn’t sort this out yourself?”
“I…”
“Do you know the amount of times she’s vomited or something whilst you’ve been asleep and I haven’t called for you?” he stomps into the kitchen and back again. “If you can’t handle a bit of puke how the hell are you going to handle her full time without me?” Whoa, back up cowboy.
“Calm down, it’s the first time she’s even done this in front of me! I was worried she was sick!”
“If you read the baby books properly you’d know it’s normal as long as it doesn’t happen all the time.” He’s in a really foul mood. “Give her to me.” He throws the cloth on the couch. “Give me her and clean yourself up.”
“Sorry,” I mumble as he takes her from my arms. What crawled up his ass?
You’re all just tired, grumpy and did I say tired already? I’m too tired to think properly.
Once we’re all clean I head cautiously into our bedroom and lean against the doorframe. Evelyn is back in her crib, James is laid on his back looking up at the ceiling.
“Hey,” I whisper into the silence.
He looks at me, his eyes tired and sparkling with frustration, “What?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’ve hardly done anything since she was born Maya.” He grouches and swings his legs over the side of the bed. “Almost every time it’s my turn to sleep you wake me up.”
“Twice now James. Twice. I got worried.” What an overreaction.
“It’s been more than twice.” Whatever, I’m not even going to argue. “And yet you’re sitting there with your friends talking about how you want me to move out?” Uh-oh. “I wasn’t sleeping Maya. I heard every fucking thing you both said.”
I sit beside him on the bed, “I said I was making a decision.”
“Is it really that difficult that you don’t even know if you want me or not?”
“Of course not… It’s just…”
He grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room, probably so we don’t disturb Evelyn. “Then decide. Right now. Are we going to be a family or not?”
“I…”
“I’ll take that as a no.”
“You barely gave me five seconds to think about it!” I snap and throw my hands in the air. “Let’s just go to bed. We’re both tired, both cranky and both emotional.”
“I wouldn’t be so god damn emotional if you would just stop stringing me along and make your fucking mind up!” he yells, I wince. “Just give me a damn answer. Put me out of my misery.” I hesitate for a second. “Fine.” He laughs humorlessly. “I’ll pack in the morning.”
“Now you’re just being irrational.”
“Says the queen of irrationality.” He scoffs. “You’re going to throw me out soon anyway right?” I don’t know. I haven’t decided. “I’m taking Evelyn with me.” Wait… what? “You clearly aren’t capable of looking after her yourself.”
“Why? Because I asked for help twice?”
“Yes. No. I mean yes,” he stammers. “Why do you get more rights than me? Why does she get to stay with you whilst I go home and receive nothing but scraps as she grows up? This is one of the most important times of her life and we should enjoy it together!”
He has a point.
“James, I’m not throwing you out. Nor am I taking or going to take your daughter away from you. Two months. How’s that?”
“Two months? How about forever?”
“We don’t do forever James. We fail at forever.”
“We fucked up. I know this… but… we can do it this time. We have more to fight for.”
“Why do you want to be with me anyway?” It makes zero sense. “For the baby? For me? For you? Christ James. Have some self-respect! I’ve done nothing but treat you like dirt since the day we met! I’ve been mean to you, I’ve teased you, I’ve ignored you and then I married you under false pretenses and now look! Look at what I’m doing now! Pushing you away for zero reasons, because I can’t find anything wrong with our relationship. I have no excuses as to why I just don’t want to be with you other than that! I just don’t feel like it! Yet here you sit and I don’t deserve you… Zara doesn’t deserve you James. There’s no woman in the world who deserves a good man like you. I’ll never be who you want me to be and you’ll never see just how wrong I am for you unless you snap yourself out of this stupid puppy love daze you have yourself in and recognize me for the heartless bitch I actually am!”
We stand before each other, my breathing is labored, and his mouth is open in shock. “You’re an idiot as well as a bitch.” Yeah, that too. “Let’s think back shall we? So you’re a little rough around the edges. Tell me one thing. Just one single thing you’ve done to really hurt me since we got together? I don’t mean what you did with Paul because that was before me.”
Well I… and then I… there was… “I’m too tired to think right now.”
He laughs and cups my face in his hands, “You’ve never done anything to hurt me. You’ve never hurt anyone in your entire life. Not on purpose. And Paul doesn’t count, he doesn’t count because you didn’t realize, you had an arrangement. You’re not evil Maya, you help people you don’t hurt them. How many times during our marriage did you bring me lunch just because you were worried I was hungry, how many times have you cooked because I can’t and gotten up extra early because you’re worried I wouldn’t eat before work? What about the notes you’ve been leaving around the house? You know they make my day. Even when we were arguing you’d still leave quirky little notes pinned all over the place! You found my brother without asking for anything in return. You’re a good person Maya and you’re going to be an excellent mother. If anything… I don’t deserve you. I hurt you, I cheated to get revenge, and I even started dating even though all I could think about was you. You said nothing, yeah, you got jealous and pissed off but you never once told me to leave her and you could’ve done.”
“You finished?” I grumble and go to step past him. His arms go around my waist, effectively stopping me in my tracks. I feel the heat from his solid bare chest seep through my nightgown. It’s amazing.
His lips touch my ear, “I love you Maya. I want this with you. Me you and our daughter. It won’t be easy, I’m sure you’ll drive me crazy at times but this is what I want. Think about it. I know deep down it’s what you want too.”
“I don’t know James…”
“Time, I’ll give you time ok? We’ve got plenty. I’ll wait. No more dating, no more being an idiot. I want you. It’s about time I proved it.”
Chapter Twenty Nine
“James!” I squeal and start clapping. Keep doing it kid. Come on! “JAMES!” Ok, that was a little frantic.
He bounds into the room and drops beside me, both of us now kneeling in front of our little girl who is now six weeks old and smiling… yes smiling! For the first fucking time! Lord she is beautiful.
“Come on baby girl,” James grins, camera poised.
I frown and purse my lips, she looks at me and smiles, showing nothing but gums. My hands clap automatically with glee li
ke a toddlers would at a colorful cartoon. I can’t help it. We are officially documenting our gorgeous girls first ever smile and what a smile it is! She looks so much like my dad when she smiles. James clicks away, every so often coming up from behind the camera and blowing raspberries at the pink bundle who is sitting in her car seat ready to go to her grandma’s for the night. Our first night away from her. Now I’m no longer breastfeeding due to mastitis and she’s gotten a bit older we think its ok for her to start visiting family. I can’t wait for a full night’s sleep that’s for sure!
“That’s it Evelyn,” I squeal when she makes a tiny little cooing noise.
“You’ve been calling her that a lot recently,” James says with a smug smile.
I shrug, ok… “I was wrong. Evelyn is great. Evie is so… I don’t know. It’s cute but, Evelyn just fits, you know?”
He nods and taps my nose with his index finger, “Told you so.”
My mouth falls open in mocking, “Well, he finally got to say I told you so!”
“You can’t always be right,” he gives me a wink and stands. “I should get her to moms. She’ll be pacing by the door like a dragon lady if we make her wait any longer.”
I nod in agreement and take a steadying breath, “She will be ok right? What am I saying? Of course she will… just… make sure she gives her the pink blanky. Even if she kicks the other blankets off or she won’t sleep for more than twenty minutes.”
“I know…”
“And not to use the pacifier, no matter how much she whittles. I don’t want her becoming reliant upon it. In fact, let’s just throw it away.”
“You already did…”
“And diapers. Is twenty enough? Of course it is. Tell her to put an insert in her night time diaper…”
