Pieces of Us: A Confessions of the Heart Stand-Alone Novel

by Jackson, A. L.

  Sparks of pleasure lit behind my eyes, and my hands were clutching. Tugging. Fingers digging in. Trying to find a place. To remember the way we’d been before our treasons had been committed.

  I wanted to go there. To run in our meadow. To fly in that blue, vast sky. To trust. To tumble through the atmosphere and know he’d be there to catch me when I reached the end.

  And I was already there. Standing in the shadow of a blue moon. Shooting with the stars.

  Flying.

  Streaks of pleasure. Jolts of ecstasy.

  I cried into his mouth, and he swallowed the sound down, as if he were feeding off my bliss.

  “Mom?” Dillon’s voice broke through the insanity, coming from the other side of the door.

  I froze.

  Maxon jerked back a fraction, lust raging in his eyes.

  Jagged breaths spiked between us, our bodies vibrating, our pulses racing in the distance.

  Crashing together where our senses were just out of reach.

  As hard as reality crashed over me at what I’d just done—what I’d been about to do—and a tiny sound of horror bled from my mouth.

  I pushed at his chest, and reluctantly, Maxon settled me onto my feet.

  Stealing glances at me, he helped me to resituate my dress considering I couldn’t seem to get my hands to cooperate.

  Oh God.

  What did I do?

  My body felt achy and needy, sated and still throbbing with the kind of want I didn’t have the luxury of feeling.

  Maxon’s shoulders heaved with barely contained aggression. Like he was two seconds from coming back for me.

  “I need to go inside.” The words clanged with regret. Ricocheted with my stupidity.

  “Izzy.” He reached for me.

  I whirled back around. “Please . . . Maxon . . . don’t. That . . .”

  Remorse shook through my spirit, and I looked at the spot where he’d just had me pinned, so easily, as if I hadn’t learned a single lesson at all. I warily shifted my attention back to him, voice a rasp of fear. “That was a mistake. That cannot happen again.”

  I wouldn’t survive.

  “Mom? Where are you?” Dillon called again, and I tried to force back the overwhelming emotion.

  Frantically, I straightened my hair, but I was pretty sure there wasn’t a thing I could do to straighten out my heart.

  Stupid, stupid heart.

  I started for the door, praying I could make it there without fallin’ apart.

  I should’ve known better. I knew exactly what coming back here was gonna do to me. Make me that same naïve girl who just wanted to fall into the hands of the boy that she loved.

  The boy who’d become a man.

  That man who edged up behind me. A dark shadow. A wraith. “I might have made a ton of mistakes in my life, Izzy. But you and me? We’ve never been one of them. And I promise you, I’m going to be here to do right by my son. Do right by you.”

  My head dropped, and I stared at the ground, inhaling a breath that was purely man.

  Sex and desire and dominion.

  I tore myself from it and rushed inside, not stopping to look back.

  Terrified of what I would see on his face.

  Nineteen

  Izzy

  “What did I do?” I groaned, leaning on my elbows and burying my face in my hands.

  Faith reached over the bistro table where she’d met me for lunch and pried my hands away, trying to talk me down from the ledge where I was teetering.

  She’d come running the second I’d sent out a distress call.

  I hadn’t gotten a lick of sleep last night, body twisted up in the remnants of pleasure that streaked and clutched and throbbed, teasing my sanity, while my mind had raced with the implications of what I’d done.

  She angled herself closer to force me to look at her. “You let yourself feel. There isn’t a thing wrong with that.”

  Oh, I’d felt plenty, all right.

  “Are you crazy? There is a ton wrong with this. I invited the man over for dinner to meet his son, not for a quickie out on the porch.”

  The hint of a smile played around her mouth. “Sounds to me like you were the only one who got the quickie in.”

  I pouted at her, hating the picture she’d evoked, the man hard and needy and left wanting, while I’d been tucking tail and fleeing. “That was his fault.”

  Her brows lifted in speculation.

  I released a heavy sigh. “Fine. It was both our faults. But if he hadn’t gone and stirred up all those memories . . . made me hurt for him . . . it never would have happened.”

  She chuckled out a disbelieving sound. “I’m sorry, Izzy, but whether you want to admit it or not, the two of you clearly have a ton of unfinished business.”

  “Yeah, well, I’d do best to shut it down.”

  Hang up a nice sign that read Closed Indefinitely to go along with that chastity belt I should have ordered.

  Expedited.

  “Really?” she challenged.

  “Absolutely,” I returned.

  Letting myself get lost in Maxon Chambers was nothing but a fool’s game.

  She angled closer and lowered her voice. “How did it feel kissin’ him? How did it feel with him touchin’ you?”

  Chills streaked across my flesh. I would totally blame it on the weather if it weren’t for the searing southern heat blazing from the blue, blue sky.

  I wavered, fiddled with a wrapper, studied the logo on the napkin. “Like I was flyin’,” I finally admitted without looking up at her.

  “And when’s the last time someone sent you flyin’?”

  I sent her a glare. “I was married.”

  Her expression turned dubious. “Yes, I do remember. So, I’m gonna ask you that question again.”

  I huffed. “Fine. The last time someone sent me flyin’ was the last time Maxon Chambers touched me. There. Are you happy?”

  It was always, always him.

  Her tone softened. “It’s not a question of whether I’m happy or not, Izzy. It’s about whether you are.”

  “I’m . . . satisfied,” I settled on.

  She grinned. “After last night, I bet you are.”

  “Faith,” I scolded, redness rising to my cheeks.

  “Stop bein’ such a prude.”

  “I’m not a prude. I’m just . . . cautious.”

  “Maybe that’s your problem . . . you’re bein’ too cautious. Maybe you need to let the chips fall where they may.”

  “You know how that worked out the last time.”

  “And I also know you both were young. Naïve. Made choices that neither of you would make today.’’

  My lips pursed, knowing she was right, but not sure of what the outcome would have been if I had done it differently.

  In the end, Maxon would still have been the same man.

  Faith tipped her head to the side. “What was he like with the boys?”

  I sat back in my chair, my heart in my throat at the memory. “Amazin’. They took to him like he’d been there all along. Like he was their best friend.”

  She took a bite of her salad, hesitating before she asked, “And how did that make you feel?”

  I hiked a shoulder. “Scared. Ecstatic. Hopeful and terrified. Everything in between and all at once.”

  Pausing, I looked out over the shopping center that was in the same plaza as the dental office, trying to process the convoluted emotions that had stalked me all night.

  I returned my gaze to her. “The hardest part was watching him struggle. Seeing how Benjamin’s disability was affecting him. I know him well enough to know that he wants to make it right. Like it’s somethin’ that can just be fixed or a burden that he can shoulder. I’m not sure he’s really grasped what taking care of a child like Benjamin means.”

  “And you don’t think he’s up for the responsibility?” she asked.

  If I had the answer to that, things would be so much easier.

  “He says
that he is. That he wants to be there for him. I’m not sure if I can trust that or not.” I met her eye. “He asked if he could be there today for Benjamin’s first appointment.”

  She nodded like she wasn’t surprised by that at all. “What did you tell him?”

  “That I didn’t think he or Benjamin were ready for that.”

  She gave me a look that promised she wasn’t surprised by that, either.

  Worry trembled through my being, and I chewed at my lip, trying to put the feeling into words. “It’s more than just him being there at his appointments for support. This is a man who has been hurt so badly, and I’m not sure he can differentiate what is caring for a child, loving them wholly, and thinking he’s directly responsible for every single thing that child goes through. He was devastated when he realized that Benjamin would be in pain during his therapies. Nearly lost it when I told him the number of surgeries he’s had.”

  “Can you blame him?”

  “For hurtin’ for his child? Wishin’ his life was easier? No. But I’m not sure he can handle watching him suffer.”

  “Like you do it just fine?” she challenged.

  I blew out a short breath. “It kills me, Faith, but it’s part of our lives. Our everyday.”

  “What if Maxon wants to become part of that life, too? He hasn’t had all those years to accept Benjamin’s disability. He wasn’t there. And before you say it, yes, I know full well that was his fault. But the man can’t make a change if he’s not given a chance to do it.”

  My words took on a tone of desperation. “And what if he fails? What if my boys fall for him, and he walks away when it gets too hard? I’m not sure I can take that risk.”

  Something that looked like pity traipsed across her pretty face. “You can’t control everything in your life, Izzy. You have to know that by now. There are gonna be sharp turns and detours and straight up dead ends. Ones you never saw coming. But there are also gonna be wide open roads, too. The kind where you put the top down and let the wind blow in your hair and you don’t care where you’re going. You’re just along for the ride.”

  Oh, Maxon Chambers would take me for a ride, all right.

  “I have children to worry about.”

  “And I had Bailey,” she told me, looking at me with an expression that said so what?

  “Don’t you dare tell me you sat back and didn’t worry about a thing when Jace showed back up in your life. I know you were terrified,” I pointed out.

  “And what if I’d let that fear and worry stop me from finding my heart’s joy? My dream? There are times in our lives when we have to trust that things are going to turn out right.”

  “I just don’t want my boys to get their hearts broken when he lets them down.”

  Faith pointed her fork at me with a wry grin taking hold of her mouth. “I think it’s someone else’s heart that is in the clutch.”

  I started to tell her that I couldn’t let his big fingers get any tighter around it when I heard someone calling my name.

  I turned in the direction of it to find Dr. Nelson climbing out of his shiny red car. He lifted his hand in the air, sunlight shining around him as he sent me a big smile.

  I sent him an awkward half wave.

  “Who is that?” Faith all but hissed, angling down low as if we’d stumbled upon some sordid secret.

  “My new boss.”

  “That is Dr. Nelson? Millie Tomson said he was a looker, but I’d figured she was comparing him to that poor old widower, Mr. Sneed.”

  “Oh, he’s no rumor,” I told her.

  He strode our direction. Cool, calm, and collected.

  “How’s lunch?” he asked as he approached, far too casual, sliding his fingers through his brown hair

  “It’s great,” I managed. “Enjoying the day with my best friend. This is Faith.” I gestured to Faith who was pretty much gaping. Good thing she was happily married and her husband was just as much of a looker.

  “Nice to meet you, Faith. I’m Trevor.” He shook her hand.

  “Nice to meet you, too.”

  He turned back to me. “We’ll have to do this sometime. I feel a little left out.”

  “Oh . . . I . . .” I stammered, not having the first clue how to respond to that.

  He just smiled and shook his head. “I’ll let you two get back to your lunch.” He glanced at his watch. “I’ll get my time with you in a few minutes.”

  A sly smile took to his expression.

  I sat there stupefied, watching his back as he turned and walked away, just as confident as he’d come.

  “Oh. My. God,” Faith whispered. “Someone’s got themselves a crush.”

  I turned back to her. “Stop it. He’s just bein’ nice.”

  “And you’re just bein’ naïve,” she shot back. “That man was doing nothin’ less than undressing you with his eyes.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “He’s my boss.”

  She waved me off as if it were nothing. “It happens all the time. Throw two people together in the workplace with chemistry, and they go boom. Doesn’t matter the societal tiers this world puts us in. Boss or employee. Superior or inferior. Aren’t we all people at the end of the day? I mean, unless he’s holding the fact he’s your boss over your head, using it against you, then that is an entirely different story.”

  “He’s not. Not at all. He’s been nothing but kind.”

  “So?” she pressed.

  “So what?”

  “Are you interested in him? Does he make you feel anything like you felt last night when Mack was sending you flyin’?”

  I blinked at her, almost wishing I could say yes.

  “You know what they say, never settle for anything less than butterflies,” she added, taking a sip of her tea.

  Truth be told, they were completely missin’.

  My phone pinged on the table next to me, and my eyes went wide when I saw the text that bleeped through as a tingling flush went slip-sliding through my body.

  Maxon: I can’t stop thinking about you. Haven’t in thirteen years. My life never quite made sense without you. Now I know exactly why it was meaningless.

  Oh, there were the butterflies she was talkin’ about. Taking flight. Swooping and flapping. Divebombing my good sense.

  Faith narrowed her eyes. “Is that him?”

  I could barely nod through the lump that formed in my throat.

  “Well, I think that’s your answer right there. I should take a picture of what’s on your face right now to save for your wedding day.”

  * * *

  It all just went downhill from there.

  Maxon: Did you think about me last night when were you falling asleep?

  Maxon: Was I on your mind this morning when you woke up like you were on mine?

  Maxon: I know you hate me, but there’s a part of you that still loves me too. Do you remember that guy?

  Maxon: I want to be him.

  Hate him?

  No.

  Not even close.

  That was part of the problem.

  Two hours later, after I hadn’t responded considering I didn’t have the first clue what to say, his tone had shifted, and I got the feeling he was just texting me every time he had a thought that he wanted to share with someone. And he wanted that person to be me.

  Maxon: How’s work? My day is long, counting the minutes and not knowing when I get to see you again.

  Maxon: What time is Benjamin’s appointment? Tell him that I’m thinking about him.

  I wavered, not sure I should respond, knowing there was no chance I could keep from it. Not when he was wearing me down.

  Minute by minute.

  Word by word.

  Fingers poised on my phone, I peeked around the office, as if I were gettin’ ready to commit the most shameful of acts.

  Me: I’m getting ready to leave in a few minutes. He has to be there at 3:30.

  Scandalous, I knew.

  Maxon: You have to leave work early?


  Me: Yes. Mondays and Thursdays. I’ve already worked it out with the office manager.

  Maxon: Or I could always take him one of the days? I want to be here for him, Izzy. For you. You don’t have to do this alone, anymore.

  God, this man. Did he have the first clue what he was doing to me?

  I left work, and my mama was outside with Benjamin so I could take him the rest of the way into Charleston.

  My son was both agitated and excited. He was quiet the whole way, and I had to stand outside the facility with him for ten minutes, whispering words of encouragement before they finally seeped in deep enough and he was ready.

  “You are brave,” I whispered to him, holding his hand as we stepped inside to the welcome of the doctors and therapists. The whole thing was really an introduction to what was going to be happening, almost a celebration of sorts for the twenty patients who would be a part of the study so they would be familiar and comfortable with their surroundings.

  The children played in the therapy gym without any instruction, and I watched from the sidelines, his smile wide and his laughter free.

  By the time that we left, my heart was soaring with hope.

  I was pretty sure Benjamin’s was, too, with the way I kept catching his crooked smile through the rearview mirror as we drove back to the house.

  Dillon came flying out the door, asking his brother a million questions.

  My mama, the sweet caretaker that she was, had dinner ready for us to eat.

  I knew so easily this could become our routine.

  But it was what was pushing at the boundaries that made it all so difficult. The reminder that nothing was settled. An upheaval that I didn’t know whether to welcome or shun.

  Maxon: How was Benjamin’s appointment?

  The only thing I knew was that my pulse took off with a roar when that one came in two hours later while I was in my bedroom. And I realized I was excited to share this news with him.