Amelia Fang and the Naughty Caticorns

by Laura Ellen Anderson

  ‘Not yet, floofy!’ snapped Aunt Lavitora.

  Monroe the crow squawked twice. ‘SQUAAAAWK! SQUAAAAWK!’

  ‘Oh, really?’ replied Lavitora. Then she looked at her sister and smiled. ‘I’d love to stay, but I must dash!’ Count Drake let out a sigh of relief. ‘Gerrard, Butler, Mo . . . be good little caticorns, won’t you?’ said Aunt Lavitora.

  The caticorns nodded in unison.

  ‘Well, Amelia is going to help look after Gerrard, Butler and Mo,’ said Countess Frivoleeta proudly. ‘And she’ll show them what a FANGTASTIC big sister she’s going to be for this little one!’ She patted her tummy pointedly.

  ‘Oh, of course!’ gushed Aunt Lavitora. ‘How could I forget that you have a new little vampire on the way? I did wonder why you were looking more tired than usual.’

  Countess Frivoleeta’s left eyeball twitched, but she smiled stiffly. ‘Well, you probably won’t have time to stay for a scream tea when you come to collect the caticorns at moonset, will you?’

  Aunt Lavitora laughed. ‘Ha! Probably not, darkling sister of mine. I’m a very busy woman after all!’ She then whispered, not very quietly, ‘Plus, I do find your Drakey terribly drab . . .’

  The count spluttered indignantly.

  Aunt Lavitora opened the door. ‘Monroe!’ she said to her crow. ‘Please fly ahead and tell Professor McShady I’m on my way.’

  ‘I’ll see you later then! ’ called Countess Frivoleeta, but Lavitora was already at the end of the path. The countess sighed. Amelia thought she looked a little bit relieved but decided not to say anything. Count Drake, on the other hand, made his feelings quite clear as he fist-pumped the air.

  ‘Right, your father and I have a list as long as a bogeyman’s snot trail to get through before the new baby arrives!’ said the countess. She placed a hand on Amelia’s shoulder and smiled. ‘Are you sure you don’t mind taking care of the caticorns, my little pimple-popper?’

  ‘Not a problem!’ said Amelia.

  ‘AN’ WE’RE ’ERE TO ’ELP TOO!’ said Florence with a salute.

  ‘Yup!’ said Grimaldi, spinning his scythe and almost knocking a picture off the wall.

  ‘You’re all disastrously delightful. Thank you!’ said Countess Frivoleeta, tears welling up in her eyes. Then she turned to Count Drake and cleared her throat. ‘Before I start crying again, you grab the orange paint for the baby’s room, and the Foot Fudge.’

  ‘Why do we need the Foot Fudge?’ asked Count Drake.

  ‘For me to eat whilst I watch you paint, of course!’

  Amelia’s mum and dad headed out of the hall, leaving Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi with the caticorns. Squashy waggled his stalk and squeaked at the three little guests to say hello, but the caticorns didn’t react.

  ‘THEY’RE WEIRDLY QUIET,’ said Florence. Then she leaned towards Amelia and lowered her voice, unsuccessfully. ‘ALSO, ’OW COME YOU’VE NEVER MET ’EM TIL NOW?’ she asked.

  ‘Well, we’ve not actually seen Aunt Lavitora since I was a baby,’ said Amelia. ‘She is very busy and important apparently.’

  ‘SOUNDS WELL BORIN’,’ said Florence.

  ‘I agree,’ said Amelia. ‘But boring is NOT on our agenda! We’re going to have fun !’ She knelt down so that she was level with the little caticorns. ‘Want to go play zombie tag in the back graveyard?’

  The caticorns looked at each other and nodded enthusiastically.

  But they were suddenly interrupted by an almighty cry from upstairs.

  CHAPTER 3

  WE ARRANGED A DOOR

  ‘RUMBLING RACOONS! I need to get to the Nocturnia Infirmary right now !’ Amelia’s mother shrieked. ‘Drakey-poos? WHERE ARE YOU, MY AWFUL LITTLE HAIR FOLLICLE?’

  ‘Be right there, my disgusting daymare!’ called the count, running up the stairs, still embracing a box of Foot Fudge.

  Amelia, Florence, Grimaldi and the caticorns raced up the stairs behind him.

  ‘SHOULD WE CALL A DOCTOR?’ asked Florence.

  ‘No need!’ said the count. ‘We arranged a door on the third floor. It’ll lead us straight to the infirmary.’

  ‘Neat!’ said Grimaldi.

  The doors in the Fang Mansion had a tendency to move around a lot and lead to different places. Amelia was lucky if her bedroom door stayed in the same place for more than a few weeks!

  On the third floor of the Fang Mansion there was now a shiny white door with a green cross on it. The countess was leaning with one hand on the door handle looking a little bit hot and sweaty, but at least she had a big smile on her face.

  ‘It’s time, darklings!’ she huffed and puffed. ‘The baby is on its way! ’

  Amelia felt her insides do a somersault. ‘This is SO exciting!’ she said happily, giving her mum a big hug but being careful not to squish her tummy too much.

  ‘I’m going to call Wooo to ask him to come back so he can look after you all while we’re away at the infirmary,’ said Count Drake. ‘Hopefully it won’t take him long to return, but will you be okay for a little while on your own with the caticorns?’

  ‘No worries, Dad,’ said Amelia. She gestured towards the caticorns. ‘I don’t think we’ll have any problems here. I mean, look at them. They’re being as good as goblin slime!’

  Gerrard, Butler and Mo, who were holding paws, smiled and meowed sweetly.

  ‘Well, hopefully we’ll be back sooner rather than later,’ Count Drake said, giving Amelia one last cuddle and opening the white door with the green cross. ‘Be good until Wooo gets here!’

  Amelia waved as her parents walked through the door and into the shiny black hallways of the Nocturnia Infirmary. Her head was swirling with excitable thoughts. She was going to be a BIG SISTER! Would she have a little brother or sister? What would they look like? What would Mum and Dad name the new baby vampire?!

  Amelia shook her head and composed herself. She had three little caticorns to take care of. And this was her chance to show everyone what a FANGTASTIC big sister she was going to be!

  ‘I know!’ said Amelia. ‘Why don’t we all go watch a glittery movie until Wooo arrives?’

  Gerrard looked at Butler, who looked at Mo. And then all three caticorns nodded once.

  ‘Well, that was easy!’ said Amelia. ‘You really are very good little caticorns!’ She smiled and ruffled their furry heads affectionately.

  ‘OOO, ’AVE YOU GOT THE DAYMARE BEFORE HALLOWEEN ?!’ asked Florence. ‘THAT’S ONE OF ME FAVOURITE MOVIES.’

  ‘Let’s go have a look,’ said Amelia. ‘If we head to the unliving room, we can all choose a movie together!’

  As Amelia, Squashy, Florence, Grimaldi and the caticorns strode down the hall, one of the doors began to rumble and swirl. Then it turned into a pizza. Gerrard, Butler and Mo gasped.

  ‘Oh, the doors in our house are a little odd,’ Amelia explained to the confused-looking caticorns. ‘They move around and sometimes do strange things like bursting into bubbles or turning into popcorn!’ She carried on along the corridor, pointing to various doors. ‘We call this door Jane because it looks a bit like one of Mum’s friends called Jane – funny, right?!’ She laughed. But there was silence. ‘Well, I thought it was fun –’

  ‘UM, AMELIA . . .’ interrupted Florence. ‘WHERE DID THE CATICORNS GO?’

  ‘That’s odd,’ said Grimaldi. ‘They were right behind us a second ago.’

  ‘Gerrard? Butler? Mo?’ Amelia called out. Then she noticed that the pizza door was gone. Squashy squeaked and pointed his stalk towards a trail of crumbs.

  ‘DID THEY . . .  EAT THE PIZZA DOOR?’ asked Florence, scratching her head.

  ‘Um, I think so!’ said Amelia in disbelief.

  Amelia and her friends followed the trail of pizza crumbs along the corridor until they reached a large door with a big eyeball for a door handle.

  ‘I was really hoping they hadn’t gone through this door,’ said Amelia, grimacing. She reached towards the eyeball door handle, hoping it wouldn’t burst in h
er hand like it usually did.

  But then another door opened. The three caticorns zoomed out of it, riding on a vacuum cleaner. Gerrard was steering, wearing Countess Frivoleeta’s favourite silk gown as a cape. Butler was using a toilet-roll tube as a trumpet and Mo was brandishing two tubes of glitter paint. They whizzed along the corridor, approaching Amelia and her friends at speed.

  Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi managed to jump out of the way just in time, as the caticorns zipped past on the vacuum. Mo made sure to spray the friends with as much glitter as possible as she passed.

  ‘AAAAAARGH, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!’ said Florence, wiping herself down. ‘I FORT YOUR AUNT SAID THEY WERE WELL BEHAVED?!’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe they’re just over-excited?’ said Amelia, wracking her brain for answers. ‘But one thing’s for sure. We can’t let the caticorns out of our sight!’

  Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi ran along the corridor, following the trail of freshly vacuumed carpet and glitter splats. It finally led them through a big, furry yellow door and out into the back graveyard.

  ‘Grieving gobblepots!’ said Amelia. ‘We’ve been babysitting for barely five minutes, and we’ve already lost the caticorns!’

  CHAPTER 4

  SAVED BY THE BONG

  ‘Look!’ said Grimaldi, pointing upwards.

  ‘Pottering pumpkins!’ Amelia cried.

  Gerrard was swinging on the poison ivy that grew on the roof. Butler was sitting on the ledge of an open window playing Wooo’s harmonica, and Mo was leaning precariously out of another window, writing (in the most intricate and beautiful lettering) the word ‘BUM’ on the side of the house with glitter paint.

  ‘GERRARD, BUTLER, MO! Get down from there!’ Amelia called up desperately. ‘It’s dangerous! You could fall!’ She couldn’t believe this was happening, just as she was trying to prove what a brilliant big sister she could be.

  Gerrard swung across the house on the vines before launching into one heart-dropping final somersault in mid-air.

  Grimaldi fainted, collapsing to the floor amongst the gravestones and a panicked Amelia clung on to Florence’s hairy arm.

  But Gerrard flipped neatly into the window where Butler was playing the harmonica. Mo finished up her artwork, signing it with a neat ‘M’ and popped back into the house to join her brothers.

  Amelia and Florence breathed a massive sigh of relief and ran inside as fast as they could, dragging a recovering Grimaldi with them.

  After racing up and down the spiral staircase, and in and out of various doors, Amelia finally caught the caticorns causing chaos in the kitchen.

  Gerrard danced on the freezer, which seemed to be groaning, before slamming it shut and skipping on to a pile of dirty pots and pans. Butler rubbed his paws around the rims of different-sized drinking glasses to make eerie sounds and Mo was creating a very extravagant food sculpture.

  Florence managed to gather the excitable caticorns under her arm and take them to the unliving room.

  ‘Thanks Florence,’ Amelia breathed. She was sweating, which vampires hardly ever did. ‘We have to find a way to calm them all down!’

  ‘MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE ’EM SOME PRESENTS FROM THE SUITCASE YOUR AUNT LEFT?’ Florence suggested as Butler (still tucked under Florence’s arm) attempted to use her belly as a drum. ‘STOP THAT, LITTLE FLUFF MONSTER!’ she said sternly.

  ‘Good idea, Florence,’ said Amelia, opening the suitcase. ‘Look, Gerrard, Butler and Mo! Aunt Lavitora left some surprises for you!’

  She passed an oddly shaped package to Gerrard. He ripped it open with his tiny caticorn claws and held up the gift.

  Amelia made a weird choking noise.

  Florence blurted out a rude word.

  ‘Wow!’ gasped Grimaldi. ‘It can’t be . . .’

  Gerrard held up a VERY glittery unicorn toy, wearing a cape and wings. It was roughly the size of Grimaldi’s head and had a squiggly signature on its cape.

  ‘Is that . . .’ whispered Grimaldi, who was desperately trying to keep a tube of glitter paint out of Mo’s reach, ‘is that a SIGNED Unicornelius Pine of Rainbow River toy?!’

  ‘OH MY GOBLINS, THAT IS WELL COOL!’ said Florence. ‘HOW THE BATS DID YOUR AUNT GET THAT?’

  ‘I can’t even imagine !’ breathed Amelia. ‘It must have cost a squillion pounds!’

  ‘You are so lucky!’ Grimaldi breathed, floating around in wonder behind Gerrard.

  Gerrard glanced at the toy then passed it to Butler, who threw it over to Mo. She shrugged and tossed it to the floor, chipping the unicorn’s wing.

  Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi took a sharp breath.

  ‘That’s NOT a very nice thing to do!’ Amelia tried to sound strict. She wondered if this was how a big sister might deal with the situation. She put her hands on her hips in what she thought was probably a firm, big-sisterly manner.

  ‘YEAH,’ said Florence. ‘THAT’S NO WAY TO TREAT UNICORNELIUS PINE!’

  Gerrard looked at Amelia and then at Florence. His face crumpled and he began to cry. Butler and Mo took one look at Gerrard and began to cry too.

  ‘ER, OKAY AMELIA,’ said Florence taking a step backwards. ‘THEY’RE ALL LEAKING WATER AN’ I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO . . .’

  Grimaldi pulled his hood over his eyes. ‘I get anxious when more than two creatures cry at once!’

  Amelia gulped. She wasn’t sure what to do. She picked up Unicornelius Pine and waved him around in the air as if he were flying. ‘Hey! I’m Unicornelius Pine, and I’m here to save YOU! ’ she said in a funny deep voice.

  But the mewling cries grew louder. ‘Please!’ urged Amelia. ‘There’s no need to cry!’

  ‘How do we make them stop?’ Grimaldi had almost turned himself inside out in his effort to hide from the escalating noise.

  BONG!

  The caticorns stopped crying.

  ‘Yessssss!’ cheered Grimaldi. ‘Saved by the bong!’

  Then the caticorns began to cry again, except this time it was much louder with added kicking and screaming.

  ‘That must be Wooo at the door,’ said Amelia, feeling hopeful. ‘He’ll be able to help calm them down!’

  But when Amelia opened the door, it wasn’t the ghost butler waiting on the other side.

  Prince Tangine La Floofle the First waltzed into the entrance hall with his arms outstretched. His genetically modified pet pumpkin, Pumpy, PA-DOOFED on to the doormat behind him, causing a great big POOF of dust. Pumpy puffed out his chest, revealing an impressive six-pack.

  Amelia sighed.

  ‘Well, don’t be TOO PLEASED to see me,’ said Tangine, looking dejected.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Amelia, giving her friend a hug. ‘I AM pleased to see you. I was just hoping it was Wooo – we’re waiting for him to come back and we could REALLY do with his help right now.’ Then she paused. ‘I thought you had prince-training this weekend?’

  Tangine – half-vampire, half-fairy – was the future king of Nocturnia and made sure everybody knew it. But even though he loved his own face far too much sometimes, he was one of Amelia’s very best friends and always made her smile.

  ‘Dad ate a bad batch of brain and is feeling sick,’ said Tangine. ‘So, I’m free to play with you guys instead. John the vulture dropped me off !’

  The scraggly three-eyed vulture had collapsed in the front yard amongst the weeds. His eyes were looking in three different directions.

  ‘He’ll be fine,’ said Tangine. ‘So, what’s going on?’

  Amelia bit her lip.

  ‘Well . . . my mum has gone to the infirmary to have the baby and we’re looking after my aunt Lavitora’s caticorns, who are a little trickier to handle than we first thought.’

  Prince Tangine raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, I’m sure these caticorns of yours will behave when they meet their FUTURE KING,’ he said confidently . . .

  CHAPTER 5

  JAR OF WOOO

  ‘What the bats?!’ Tangine bellowed when he entered the unliving ro
om.

  The caticorns were rolling around on the floor in a frenzy. They were making an awful racket and flailing their paws around so that nobody could pick them up.

  Pumpy bounced into the room with a PA-DOOF, but when he heard the screaming caticorns he swiftly PA-DOOFED right back out again.

  Gerrard spun across the room and accidentally bumped into a large wooden cabinet full of Count Drake’s Crossword Critters trophies, causing the whole thing to wobble precariously. Florence just managed to stop the cabinet from tumbling over and squishing the little caticorn.

  ‘THEY WON’T STOP MAKING THE NOISES!’ said Florence with wide eyes. ‘THEY’VE NOT TAKEN ONE BREF !’

  Grimaldi was hiding under a cushion. ‘What do we dooooo?!’ he squeaked.

  Squashy squidged himself as far under the sofa as he could.

  ‘I told Gerrard off,’ Amelia explained to a bewildered-looking Tangine. ‘But not very much! Then he started crying, and then all THREE of them starting crying, and now they’re having a full-on tantrum.’

  ‘Why did you tell them off ?’ asked Tangine, dodging the hysterical caticorn’s kicks.

  ‘They threw their brand-new SIGNED Unicornelius Pine on to the floor, and look –’ said Amelia, picking up the dented toy and passing it to Tangine – ‘they chipped his wing!’

  Tangine gasped. ‘WELL! Then you deserve to be told off !’ he called over to the caticorns, who clearly weren’t listening. He shook his head disapprovingly. ‘One should NEVER disrespect Unicornelius Pine!’

  ‘EXACTLY,’ Florence agreed.

  Amelia paced back and forth. ‘I think we . . . I . . . was maybe a bit too harsh?’ Her mind was in a twizzle. ‘But then, surely I have to tell them what’s wrong and what’s right?! I am responsible for them, after all.’