everafter

by Nell Stark; Trinity Tam

  “Val!” I gasped, feeling my control slip dramatically. The stinging emptiness of her teeth leaving me was the last thing I felt before the seizures began, pain flaying me open for the panther’s rebirth. Dimly, I registered Val leaning over the nightstand, plucking the tranquilizer gun from its place in the drawer.

  “It’s okay, baby,” she said, her words coming to me slowly through the agonizing haze. “Don’t fight anymore. Just let it happen.”

  She was right. At a certain point, continuing the battle for dominance only made the transformation process more painful. Bitterly, I capitulated my last mental toehold, giving in to the eerie sense of vertigo that always accompanied the change. Triumphant, the panther shoved me aside, forcing my consciousness into that narrow slice of her primitive brain that I had come to call my prison. The world shifted sideways. Scent of sex and sweat. Hunger, pain, anger.

  Trapped.

  I screamed at her as she ripped at the one restraint that had held through the transformation process, but she would not hear. And then she was free, balancing fluidly on the mattress, tail lashing and ears pressed close to her skull. Through her eyes, I watched Valentine point the gun at my face. She was waiting as long as she possibly could, to see whether I could somehow regain control after all. But that battle was hopelessly lost.

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  everafter

  The panther growled, lips drawing back from her teeth. Val’s chest rose and fell in a sigh. “I’m sorry,” Val said, her finger tightening on the trigger.

  But the panther was one step ahead. Her haunches coiled, then released as she sprang forward, fixated on the pulse in Valentine’s throat. The horror was paralyzing—time dilated as the panther’s powerful leap carried her ever closer to Val. In that endless moment, Val’s intent to throw herself from the roof made perfect sense. I knew what I would become—one of the lost, feral, my psyche given over to that of the beast. I refused to wake into a world where I had killed my lover. And then suddenly, her ears throbbed with the sharp report of a gunshot. A sting, high on her flank. I watched in wonder as Val fired into the panther’s belly and whirled away, less than a second before razor-sharp claws would have shredded muscle from bone. The panther hissed furiously at her missed opportunity, but the shadow creeping across her vision made it impossible for her to try a second time. The lassitude was stronger than the hunger, the rage. Her legs gave out beneath her and the darkness spread inward. For those last few moments, I let myself feel despair at failing yet again. And then, I welcomed the oblivion.

  v

  The breeze was cool and the sun was warm and the earth gave slightly under her paws as she ran. Hunger temporarily satiated, she ran simply because it felt right. She was free. Exhilarating in the speed of her unfettered muscles, she went faster, bounding over the sweet- smelling grass. For once, I didn’t feel confined, either. There was such joy in this—in the wind and the openness, in the heat rising up from the earth and beating down from above.

  She crested a small rise and began to run down the opposite hill. To the left, a narrow path had materialized over the plain, leading to the metallic towers of a distant city, sparkling under the brilliant sun. It called to me. Home.

  The panther slowed her pace. Surprised, I reiterated the command. Home. She listed a little to the left and slowed all the way to a walk. I sensed confusion from her as she looked between the shining city and the open field. She took a few steps to the right before balking again under my insistence.

  • 201 •

  Nell Stark and Trinity Tam

  Home. Compelled, she padded forward. It was a strange sensation, like handling her by the scruff of the neck from inside her own head. But even as I marveled at having the upper hand, my control slipped. Instead of forging ahead, she began to back away. And then, whirling swiftly, she pricked her ears forward and resumed her bounding run across the plain. I sensed in her a kind of contentment with her choice—an alien certainty that all was as it should be. But she had not risen up against me during our brief disagreement. We had been communicating. And technically, she was right—while in this form, the wilderness was our domain.

  Our. For just a moment, we had been working together. I wondered if perhaps someday we could move beyond the fundamental divide that defined each of us now—beyond a her and a me to an us. I woke feeling hopeful for the first time since the Were virus had ravaged my DNA. Val was sitting at the room’s single desk, reading something. I glanced at the clock: almost noon. The events of the night returned: our lovemaking, my transformation, the close call that would certainly have been fatal if not for Val’s heightened reflexes. Waking, groggy and ravenous, in one of the hunting facilities. Finally transforming back in the early hours of the morning, utterly exhausted. I had a dim recollection of my head lolling against Darren’s chest as he carried me back to this room.

  Disappointment jumped into sharp relief, but still the dream lingered, tempering my despair. What did it mean? Karma might have an idea. Maybe I could treat her to lunch. Somewhere quiet. Hearing me stir, Val turned in the chair. Her smile was tentative and tired. I ached to be the one who could make her happy, rather than the cause of her stress. She pushed back from the desk and crossed the room to sit next to me on the bed. I slid over so I could lay my head in her lap. She stroked my dark tresses lovingly.

  “Saturday’s the seventh,” she whispered.

  It took me a second to comprehend what she was saying. “My God, our anniversary.” Tears welled in my eyes and I tried to blink them back, only to feel them tumble and slide down my cheeks. Val’s fingers were there instantly, brushing them away.

  “I rented us a cabin in the Catskills for the weekend, longer if it

  • 202 •

  everafter

  works out. We always talked about doing that someday, remember? I want us to get out of here.” Her fingers traced the shell of my ear and I shivered in pleasure. “We can get away from all of this complication. Just pack up and go to a place where it’s just you and me.”

  My heart thrilled briefly at the idea. A vacation. That sounded so nice. So normal. But just as quickly, despair clamped down and snuffed the flame before it could grow. “It’s not safe. My control is still so tenuous, and you won’t be able to feed at all.”

  “Just for the weekend. I can skip a meal. I really think we need this, especially now.”

  I heard the sadness she was trying to hide in her voice and it tugged at my self-control. “I don’t know, love. It seems so soon. I don’t think it’s a good idea to be away from the Consortium facilities just yet.”

  Val’s fingers tensed against my face. “I think this is exactly what we need. We were just fine before either of us knew anything about the Consortium.” Her voice was rough. “It doesn’t feel right here. I don’t like having people hovering over us all the time, machines measuring our every move and emotion. I hate knowing that every time we make love, there are three orderlies waiting in the hallway to pump you full of tranquilizers in case I don’t get you in time.”

  Shivering with the memory of how close we’d come to that very scenario last night, I leaned even closer to Val and allowed myself to imagine what it would be like to get away—just the two of us, out in the wilderness, miles from civilization and even farther from the Consortium. I shivered in anxiety but there was more behind it. I wanted it, too. I wanted it so badly that I could feel the panther thrashing inside me, fueled by the power of my need. I took a deep breath, calming the beast within. Val gazed down upon me, hopeful and vulnerable all at once. “Maybe, but I want to talk to Karma first.”

  v

  Karma arranged to meet me the next day. I practically had to push Val out the door so she wouldn’t miss her exam. I loved her for wanting to prioritize me above everything else, but it wouldn’t do either of us any good to fail out of school now. Besides, I told her, I needed to hear

  • 203 •

  Nell Stark and Trinity Tam

  Karma’s unbia
sed opinion on whether the Catskills was a good idea. That seemed to get through, and she left me with a long kiss and a fierce hug. Like every other floor we had seen so far in the Consortium, the thirty-eighth had its own unique design. The walls were a mosaic of glass and steel, giving the entire floor an open, airy feel. From one end of the hall, it was possible to gaze all the way through the building and see the city beyond. The panther was instantly at ease, more so than she had been in the vampire or medical wings of the facility. I understood instantly that we had arrived in the purview of the Weres. I stepped into Karma’s office and slid the door closed behind me. She was sitting behind a tinted glass desk, typing expertly on a slim laptop. Behind her, a wall of windows afforded a partially obstructed view of Central Park in the distance. My heart lurched at the sight of trees. Perhaps Val’s idea of getting away was the right one after all. Karma gestured for me to take a seat in the ivory armchair facing her. I sank into the richness of Italian leather and she snapped the laptop closed to give me her full attention.

  “I’m sorry for being so needy. I feel like I’ve leaned on you a lot over the last few weeks and I really appreciate it.” I hadn’t planned on apologizing, but when Karma gazed at me with her golden eyes full of friendliness and sympathy, it was hard not to feel overwhelmingly grateful.

  “Alexa, I consider you a friend. Even if circumstances were different, I think you and Valentine are people that I would have wanted to know. And now?” She smiled and I could feel some of my tension slipping away. “Now you’re family. Tell me how I can help and I will do what I can.”

  I swallowed around the lump that suddenly formed in my throat.

  “Saturday is my one-year anniversary with Valentine. She’s reserved a cabin in the Catskills and she wants us to spend the weekend there. Alone.”

  “And you’re afraid you aren’t ready?”

  “I don’t know.” The note of sadness was back in my voice. I hated it.

  Karma reached across the desk and patted my hand reassuringly.

  “Alexa, the progress you have made in such a short time is phenomenal.

  • 204 •

  everafter

  It took me months before I was able to keep myself from shifting every time the heater kicked on or the lights went out.”

  “But I still can’t stop myself whenever Val feeds!”

  “That’s totally normal. You know that. You told me yourself that the first time you witnessed a transformation was when Darren hit his head.” She paused until I had to meet her gaze. “Darren has been a Were for almost one hundred years. Physical pain is the most difficult trigger to control.”

  “Maybe this weekend isn’t a good idea after all.”

  Karma shrugged. “Only you know if you’re ready.”

  I sighed. This talk was a waste of both of our times; just like every other occasion I bothered her with trivialities. Of course I had to make up my own mind. Why was it that I expected somebody else to have the answers for me? I used to trust my own instincts but somehow, this virus had stripped away my self-control and my self-sufficiency. Every emotion was closer, now, and my patience was in tatters. I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, seeing that I had welcomed an animal into my psyche.

  I started to push back my chair to leave when the image of the panther running toward the shining city surfaced in my memory. “One more thing. I don’t know if it means anything, but I had a dream last night after transforming back.” I closed my eyes to pull the images more forcefully to the forefront. “I was the panther and we were running free. In the distance, I could see a city—this city. The human part of me thought home. And somehow, I made the panther stop.”

  “Oh.” Karma sat back in her seat and I saw a torrent of emotions wash over her face. In all the time I had known Karma Rao, her interactions with me had always been empathetic and understanding. She had an explanation or an appeasement for every little issue I ran to her with. For the first time, I thought I caught tendrils of alarm and unease.

  “Is something wrong with me?”

  “No, it’s not that.” She took a deep breath and I watched her rein her calm back in. “It’s unusual, but nothing to be alarmed over. There’s somebody I want you to meet. I was planning on waiting for you to settle in more before I made this introduction, but given what you just told me…I think he’ll want to meet you now.”

  • 205 •

  Nell Stark and Trinity Tam

  I caught the implication in her last statement. “He didn’t want to meet me before?”

  “It’s complicated.” Karma reached for her phone and punched in a few numbers. With my heightened senses I could hear the phone ringing both through the handset and down the hall. Then a man’s voice, deep and gruff, answered. “Sir, I’m sorry to call your private line but I think it’s time for you to meet Alexa Newland.” The response on the other end was so low I couldn’t make out any words but Karma frowned and I knew the response had to have been negative. “Please, sir, I’m really going to have to insist on this one.”

  After another unintelligible exchange, Karma hung up the phone. She nodded once and gestured for me to stand. “I’m going to take you to see Malcolm Blakeslee, the Weremaster of New York City.”

  Malcolm Blakeslee’s office anchored the north end of the hallway. It was the only room that featured frosted glass windows so you couldn’t see what was going on inside. As we approached, the thick glass doors slid open with a barely perceptible hydraulic swish. Malcolm’s office, like Helen’s, was decorated expensively but tastefully. Unlike the other all-glass offices on the floor, he opted for pale blond wood furniture and natural cowhide upholstered seating. I sat in one of the armchairs and shifted uncomfortably as the bristles of the hide pricked through my cotton khakis.

  Malcolm Blakeslee was a mountain of a man. His age was impossible to place. Tall and broad-shouldered, his most distinguishing feature was a thick wavy coif of golden brown hair streaked with white that brushed back majestically from his broad, unlined forehead. He had a high, aquiline nose separating a pair of dark obsidian eyes. A meticulously close-cropped beard framed a thin mouth that was curled in an open snarl of disdain. It was like being in the presence of Val’s family, except even more personal, somehow. I wanted to shrink into my shoes.

  “Alexa Newland.” He uttered my name like a judge issuing a life sentence. “I had no intention of ever making your acquaintance. But Karma insisted.” The disdain in his voice stung.

  “To be honest, sir, I don’t even know why I’m here.” Somewhere inside me, the panther stirred, rising to the challenge of the alpha before me. I felt an answering surge of resentment. How dare he pass

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  everafter

  judgment on me, just because the choice I made didn’t line up with his world view?

  Karma spoke then, her voice soft and deferential. “Alexa, tell Mr. Blakeslee about your dream.”

  Malcolm raised one eyebrow expectantly and I launched into my story. I didn’t see why Karma thought it was such a big deal. It was just a dream, after all. But when I got to the part about the city, even Malcolm’s mood changed. The animosity was replaced with speculation. “How long have you been Were?”

  “Six weeks.”

  Malcolm and Karma exchanged a glance. “And Helen orchestrated your transformation? I don’t think your donor was present or I would have been made aware of a Werepanther in my territory. What method of infection did she use?”

  I still hadn’t figured out where this line of questioning was going, but I didn’t think any of the information he sought was privileged. I may have owed Helen a favor, but she hadn’t asked me specifically to be discreet about my circumstances. “Blood. The donor’s blood was introduced into my system slowly over a twenty-four-hour period.”

  Malcolm frowned. I got the sense that he hoped whatever was special about me was due to some kind of scientific process. From everything Helen told me, my operation was standard procedure through
and through.

  “Can I ask what this is all about?”

  Karma looked first to Malcolm for guidance and when he gave her the nod, she proceeded with her explanation. “In your dream, you were able to express a desire to your panther and she listened. Moreover, you were able to influence her behavior based on your thoughts.”

  “It was just a dream.” I still didn’t get why this was such a big deal and I was starting to get frustrated by the lack of communication. “Can somebody please just tell me what’s going on?”

  Karma started to answer but Malcolm cut her off. “What is your game, Ms. Newland?” His voice was a snarl, a barely contained threat.

  “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

  Malcolm got up from his chair and began to pace the room. I knew then and there that a lion waited on the other side of his full moon.

  • 207 •

  Nell Stark and Trinity Tam

  “What did Helen Lambros promise you in exchange for feeding her latest bauble?”

  The panther roared inside me at the rush of anger that escaped my control. I took a few deep breaths and willed myself to composure. “She didn’t have to offer anything. It was my idea in the first place. Valentine Darrow is the love of my life and I have no intention of letting her soul slip away from her because of some random act of violence.”

  Malcolm stopped in front of the wall of windows on the far side of his office. He looked down on the tree-lined avenue studded with steel pavilions that made up Dag Hammarskjold Park. “Do you really believe it to have been a random act of violence?”