Heart of Disaster: A Titanic Novel of love and loss

by Rachel Wesson

  Gerry didn’t care about working for White Star ever again. He had questions that needed answers. Why hadn’t they had a lifeboat drill? Why weren’t there enough spaces for everyone? Why did the ones that were there, leave the ship half empty? Why did the captain order full steam ahead when he knew they were in the middle of an ice field? Why, why, why? All the unanswered questions, all the ifs, and buts were driving him mad. Sometimes, he wished he could just forget the whole thing, go back home and marry Jean. But how could he face Jean and her mam knowing that Tommy had died, and he’d lived?

  “They can threaten what they like. I’ll tell the truth no matter what they ask me. They knew we needed more lifeboats, but someone decided it would make the deck look cluttered. Cluttered!” He swore under his breath, his appetite gone and walked outside to get some air. As soon as he opened the door, he remembered the photographers and reporters. They were offering all sorts of incentives for someone to talk to them.

  He turned on his heel and bumped into Davy.

  “Sorry, Gerry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

  “It’s me who should be sorry. I took your head off.” Gerry took a deep breath.

  “You’re not going to speak to the reporters, are you, Gerry?”

  He shook his head. “No, Davy. I can’t say I wasn’t tempted. It would be one way of getting payback for our mates who died.”

  Davy still looked worried. “So, what are you going to do?”

  Gerry held Davy’s gaze. “As God is my witness, I am going to tell that senator everything he wants to know. Maybe, he can stop something like the Titanic happening again.”

  Davy stared at Gerry. “The officers won’t like that.”

  “Let them off. It’s their necks on the block. Wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when the inquiry asks why they didn’t fill the lifeboats properly. Apart from Lightholler, how did the others survive?”

  “They seem to have manned the boats. I guess they were ordered off by the more senior officers. Did you hear Murdoch committed suicide?” Davy sighed. “Said he couldn’t live with the guilt of making the mistake and sending us crashing into the iceberg.”

  “Davy don’t spread rumors like that. We don’t know for sure. I didn’t know the man well, but he didn’t seem like the type to do that. It could have been Quarter Master, Hitchens who made the mistake, he had control of the wheel. He didn’t behave too well in the lifeboat, from what has been said. He told a lady to shut up when she asked to go back to save some of those drowning,” Gerry swallowed, he still couldn’t believe nobody, but fifth officer, Lowe, even tried to help those in the water. “When all is said and done, Murdoch died, and we should respect his memory.”

  Davy looked as if he would cry. Gerry hoped he wouldn’t. He didn’t know what to do if the man broke down.

  He patted Davy on the back. “I understand how you feel. I feel the same way about Tommy. Why did he die, and I survive? Sit down, I’ll get us a cuppa.”

  Gerry didn’t know if he believed what he was telling Davy or not. The events of the last few days and nights had turned his thinking upside down. He had placed huge faith in Captain Smith, having sailed under him many times. Yet it seemed he had known about the icebergs yet ordered the engine rooms to increase to full speed, anyway. He brought the tea back to the table.

  “I can’t stop thinking about that night. The questions in my head, they are driving me mad.”

  Davy stirred his tea but didn’t look up. Gerry continued.

  “We thought the ship was unsinkable, but did that give Captain Smith enough reason to take risks? Was that why he canceled the lifeboat drill?”

  “Would having a drill have made a difference?”

  “Who knows? Maybe the lifeboats would have been full leaving the ship? Lightholler wouldn’t let men on the boats even if there were no women left. Murdoch let everyone on. Yet they were supposed to follow the same rules?”

  Davy interrupted him. “Gerry, you need to get some sleep. Can’t be thinking like that. It will drive you mad.”

  “That’s why I have to stay here. At least until the inquiry is over. I can’t sleep. I just go over everything again and again. Maybe someone more intelligent than me will be able to give me answers.”

  Chapter 58

  St. Vincent’s Hospital, New York

  Kate and Cathy had both been admitted to St. Vincent’s hospital. The doctors examined them both for signs of frostbite. Feeling better after a good night sleeping, Kate took a chair beside Cathy’s bed. A nun was taking Cathy’s temperature.

  “Sister, what did the doctor say about Cathy?”

  The nun pushed the hair back from Cathy’s face.

  “Poor girl. He says she is in shock.”

  Kate gripped the side of her chair. “The other nun said a survivor went mad from shock. That woman was sent somewhere else.”

  “Don’t court trouble, dear. Your friend is young and seems healthy enough. Like most of the survivors, she should recover in time. My guess is she doesn’t want to face her loss.”

  “She was very close to her brother.”

  The nun wrote something down. “I have to go but keep talking to her. Some doctors believe people who appear to be unconscious can still hear us.”

  Sometime later a different nun came into the ward. “Kate, there’s a man by the name of John Donnelly asking for you. Come with me please.”

  Kate hung back. He could only be Daniel’s brother. What would she say to him?”

  The nun looked behind her to find Kate not following. “Come along, girl, I have things to be doing.”

  Katie followed the nun more out of obedience than anything else. The reception area was crowded. How would she find John Donnelly? She looked around and then her heart stilled as a man the spitting image of Daniel walked toward her. He held out his arms and she found herself hugged tight.

  “Tis a sight for sore eyes, you are Kate Maloney. I’d barely recognize you, except for those green eyes of yours. Let me look at you. You aren’t hurt are ye? The nurse said one of the girls was very ill.”

  “She meant Cathy Madden. She isn’t coping very well with the loss of her brother and…” Kate stopped speaking. She couldn’t talk about Daniel. Not to his brother.

  “Danny wrote to me about you. He said he hoped to talk you into moving west with him. Did he mention it to you on the ship?”

  Kate nodded.

  “Will you come out and grab a bit of lunch with me? You look half-starved.” He cleared his throat, his cheeks flushed. “I don’t want to make things difficult for you, but I’d love to know what happened to my brother.”

  “I will but can you wait a few minutes. I need to tell Cathy where I am.”

  “I’ll wait here until you come back. Take as long as you need.”

  Kate walked away without glancing behind her. She knew he was looking at her, she could feel his gaze on the back of her neck. It was weirdly comforting he was so like Daniel. She didn’t feel so alone now.

  She picked up the Arran sweater she had left by Cathy’s bed. Why hadn’t Bridie come to see her sister? Not that Cathy would notice. Kate couldn’t help wondering if seeing her sister would bring Cathy back to her old self.

  Kissing her friend on the cheek, she whispered she would be back in a while. There was no response. Cathy just lay there with her eyes closed.

  When she returned to reception, John or Sean as she remembered him was waiting just as he said he would.

  “Let me take your arm, there are crowds of people around including some reporters who seem to care nothing but getting their story.”

  “Don’t tell them I am a survivor. I keep telling them I am just visiting, and they’ll leave me alone then.”

  “You aren’t just a pretty face, are you?” He glanced at her, admiration lighting up his eyes. She blushed at his flattery then she felt the Arran sweater.

  “This was Daniels’ He gave it to me to keep me warm. He insisted I take it. Maybe, he should have kept
hold of it.”

  “It is not your fault, Kate Maloney. My brother died because of the White Star line. Plain and simple. You couldn’t have saved him any more than you could have saved the rest of those lost souls. I am only glad you and Cathy were able to save yourselves.”

  Sean, she couldn’t think of him as John, walked on the outside of the pavement or sidewalk as he called it. The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable. Feeling overwhelmed by the noise and the crowds of people dashing up and down the streets, Kate was glad he didn’t try to make conversation.

  They sat down at a restaurant. He handed her the menu.

  “Pick what you like, my treat.”

  Kate wasn’t hungry.

  “Kate, you have to eat. You’ll fall ill, otherwise.”

  “I’ll have pancakes.” She wasn’t quite sure what they were, but she couldn’t face anything else.

  While waiting for their food, Sean kept her amused by telling her different stories about his time in New York.

  It didn’t take long for their meal to arrive. She looked up, trying to squeeze back the tears in her eyes.

  He took her hand. “What’s wrong?”

  “They’re like Nell’s griddle cakes. I miss her.” How she wished the old woman was with her now. She needed her guidance and strength.

  “I’m sure you are finding things difficult. What with Cathy being in the hospital and you a stranger in America. I can’t stay for long, but I can stay for a couple of days if it helps.”

  She looked up at him. “Sean, I’m grateful for your offer. But you don’t have to stay away from your family. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet.”

  “Kate Maloney, will you stop. We are family – all of us from Ballinasloe. You just have to be from Ireland to be part of the Irish family in America.”

  When she didn’t laugh at his joke, he stopped smiling. He ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I make jokes when I get nervous. Why don’t you tell me what happened? It may help to talk about it. But don’t feel you have to.”

  Kate found herself telling Sean everything about the Titanic, even bits she hadn’t realized she remembered until now. He was a good listener, staying quiet even when she became upset. He simply held her hand and gave her his hanky. Letting her cry made it easier than having to bottle everything up. When she told him about Daniel putting her in the lifeboat, he coughed, and she thought she saw a tear escape but that was it.

  After she finished, they sat in comfortable silence for a while before Sean asked her, “What will you do now, Kate?”

  Kate played with her cup. She didn’t know what to say. She had no idea and the thought terrified her.

  “Please talk to me. Maybe I can help in some way. I certainly can’t leave New York without making sure you will be all right. I owe Daniel that much.” Sean smiled.

  He was being very kind, but Daniel hadn’t promised her anything.

  “Anyway, Nell would come over on the next ship and kick my backside if I left her precious girl alone.”

  Kate laughed for the first time in what seemed like forever. He was right, Nell would have a fit if any of their neighbors didn’t look out for her. But what did he mean when he left New York?

  She vaguely remembered Daniel telling her Sean lived on a farm. “You don’t live in New York?”

  “No, I don’t. I hate this place. I live in Riverside Springs, Wyoming. When I heard the news of the sinking, I came in the hope that Daniel was among the survivors. When I found out he wasn’t…” Sean looked away for a couple of seconds. Then he continued talking, “I went back to my hotel where I met a lady called Delia Brennan. She told me about you and Cathy and how Daniel helped ye. I couldn’t leave New York without checking you and Cathy were all right. I am not leaving until you tell me your plans.”

  “I don’t have any.” Kate put her hand up to her mouth not quite believing she had just told him the truth. But once she started speaking, she couldn’t stop. “I was meant to live with Cathy, but her sister doesn’t want me. I found out from a letter on the Titanic. That’s when Daniel, well he asked me to marry him and go live near you. I forget where he said but he wanted to work with horses. Now Cathy is here, and she is really ill. Her sister hasn’t even come to see her, and I don’t know what to do.”

  Sean didn’t look at her, but his grip on his cup tightened, she could see the whites of his knuckles.

  “Bridie Madden was always a cold fish. She wouldn’t give you the time of day unless there was something in it for her. Don’t mind her. You wouldn’t want to be beholden to that one. What is the story about Cathy? Was she injured?”

  Kate shook her head. “The doctor says it’s a combination of shock and a broken heart. She was very close to Seamus you know.”

  Sean nodded. “Aye she was always following him around when we were youngsters.” He fell silent for a couple of seconds before adding, “Why don’t you both come with me? I live near a lovely town called Riverside Springs in Wyoming. It’s small but growing and has a great sense of community. It’s a bit like at home. Everyone knows everyone else. A bit too much sometimes.” He smiled to let her know he was joking.

  She didn’t respond, not quite believing he was offering her a chance at a new life. She didn’t have to do this alone.

  “I have a farm with horses. It’s not big but there is plenty of work in the town for us. Declan is married to a lovely woman called Mary. She’d love some female company on the farm. She doesn’t have a lot of time to go visiting with the other ladies in town. Mary would also be a chaperone so Nell would be happy. You wouldn’t be living with two bachelors in the middle of nowhere.”

  Kate was about to say Nell would be happy to know she was with someone she knew from back home, but Sean hadn’t finished.

  “There is work to be had in Riverside Springs. Mrs. Grayson, she runs a store and a hotel. To be honest, she is getting on a bit, but she is a stubborn old woman and refuses to admit she needs help. She’ll remind you of Nell. You could work there if you fancied that idea.” He pressed his lips together, staring intently into her eyes. “You can’t stay here in New York. Not with nobody looking out for ye. You could be sold to the white slavers or worse.”

  Kate stared at him. White slavers? He had to be joking. It couldn’t be that bad, surely?

  “Kate, this city isn’t for those as innocent as you and young Cathy, not without a man looking out for you. Now, why don’t we go back to the hospital and speak to the doctor? Maybe he would agree that some country air and good living would do Cathy the world of good.”

  Kate felt everything was rushing past her so fast. She loved the picture he painted of his town but to move out of New York when it was all Cathy had wanted. Cathy wasn’t the same as the girl who left Ballinasloe. And what about her own life? She didn’t like New York, granted she had only seen a small bit of it, but it was too busy for her. She preferred a quieter area just like home. She wanted to be in Galway but there was no way you would get her on a ship again.

  Sean looked at her expectantly. She wasn’t quite ready to say yes. She wanted to but…

  “What about Bridie?” she heard herself say despite her hopes rising. Sean Donnelly could help her with Cathy and maybe her friend would recover.

  “What about her? Cathy can write to her parents once she settles. I will drop a line to Nell and the Maddens to reassure them I have taken you under my wing. Although come to think of it, that might be enough to get Mr. Madden over here and take ye home. He mightn’t like his daughter mixing with the Donnelly’s.”

  Kate smiled at the reference to his history. With his brothers in prison for fighting the English and the rest in America, some of the locals back home thought the Donnelly’s were trouble. Nell thought they were heroes and didn’t make any bones about it. She didn’t know what Mr. Madden’s views were. It had never come up in conversation.

  “Nell was always very fond of your family. She often said you and your brothers reminded her of her boys
.”

  “She’s a wise lady, although I didn’t get involved in the fighting. I can’t stand violence for any reason.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry. I forgot your dad died with Nell’s sons fighting the English.”

  “My father made his choices. They wouldn’t be mine. I don’t like Ireland being under the control of England, but I don’t believe in killing anyone either.”

  His smile lit up his whole face making his eyes shine even more. Her stomach did a summersault, which unnerved her more than the expression in his eyes.

  “So, are you game? Will you come home with me?”

  “Home with you?” Sometimes you had to take a chance, and something told her this was the right choice to make. “Yes, I will come with you to Riverside Springs.”

  Sean paid the bill and escorted Kate out of the restaurant. He stopped walking and put his finger under her chin, so she looked at him.

  “I’m so glad you are coming home with me and not just because it would make Daniel happy if he’s looking down on us. I couldn’t leave you here in New York. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night.”

  Kate stilled. He sensed her withdrawal and drew away from her.

  “What did I say?”

  “Sean, you do not have to look after me. I ’m a grown woman and I've got a mind of my own. I appreciate your care and concern and I will go to live in Riverside Springs, but I will fend for myself.”

  “Yes, ma’am.” He mock saluted her, in the street causing passers-by to look at him. She giggled at his antics and for a brief few seconds forgot the tragedy that had brought them here to this street.

  The guilt descended just as quickly. What right did she have to be laughing when Cathy was in the hospital and Daniel and Seamus at the bottom of the ocean?

  “Kate, don’t do that.”

  “Do what?” she said afraid her facial expressions were so easy to read.

  “Feel guilty. You survived for a reason. Daniel and Seamus didn’t. I don’t know why it happened and I will miss my brother for the rest of my life. But he would want us to go on living. Now, let’s go find Cathy. The girl I remember was full of life. If anyone can help her return to her full health, it’s you.”