“You really are a dick, Blake,” Roommate tells me for the tenth time since we’ve met, but this time it is more than warranted. She wraps her arm around Maisy’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort her. She’s loyal to Maisy and I respect that.
“I know. I’m sorry,” is all I can reply. I can’t look at her anymore, so in an action I don’t think I’ve ever done in my entire life, I stare at my feet in defeat. If I had a tail, it would be between my legs. I don’t fight back. I don’t fight to explain myself, because there is nothing to say. I did it. I fucked another girl and I made the one person in my life I may truly love into a stupid bet. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Maisy squares her shoulders and regains her composure, shaking Roommate’s arm off of her shoulders. Jesus, she must have had to do this so much in her life. Put on a brave face. She looks… fearless. I imagine what she experienced makes you hard.
“You better make sure his lying, cheating ass pays you, Finn, cuz I can promise you I didn’t fuck him and I never will,” she says with ice dripping from every word.
“He did already, Maisy.” Finn offers a sheepish smile. “It’s over.”
“You’re damn right it is.” Maisy turns and calmly walks out of the Pi Kappa house, ignoring all the eyes following her as she moves. Roommate chases after her, while I just stand there like a dumbass. No one has ever talked to me that way before, but I can’t say I didn’t deserve it. It’s like all the bad shit I’ve done and never been punished for has come back on me, hundred-fold.
“Sorry, Blake,” Stoner offers. “I didn’t know she didn’t know. Please, don’t kill me.”
“It’s fine, Stoner,” I say, and I actually mean it. I slap him on the back. “She’d find out eventually.”
Hearts are stupid. What is the point of having something so fragile that it can be shattered into a million pieces and never be put back together?
Chapter 26: Maisy
December
It’s been well over a month and I’m still sick thinking about Donovan Blake and what he did to me. I was humiliated and hurt. Mainly hurt. When you think you can trust someone, and that person takes that trust and throws back in your face in the most offensive way possible, there really isn’t a way to process that or get over it. Halloween was the worst night of my life, and this coming from a girl whose mother abandoned her and whose father is in prison.
What was almost worse than the actual incident was the gossip – snide remarks from jersey chasers, and pity stares. It seems everyone heard about me walking in on Blake having sex with another girl. And everyone heard about the bet. The bitchy girls had a field day, calling me “sloppy seconds” and “Blake’s bitch” among other clever names. So for the last month, I’ve put my head down and trudged ahead, and everything has started to die down, thankfully.
I’ve recovered from my stint as a college binge drinker and party girl, and stopped going to the Pi Kappa parties. My potty mouth has also gone by the wayside in an effort to be who I was before Blake crushed my universe. I’ve been focusing on my studies and working extra shifts at the coffeehouse.
English Lit was also a no-go. I couldn’t face him, so I talked with Dr. Winters and she allowed me to meet with her privately – I told her I had a personal issue with a student. I could pass that class in my sleep, and Dr. Winters knows it, which is part of the reason she isn’t docking me for attendance. I didn’t name Blake specifically, because, like the senseless sucker I am, I want him to succeed. I know he passed the midterm because he’s still been playing football. A small, very small, part of me is proud of him, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t wish for his dick to fall off daily.
He’s sent flowers. No card. No apology. It is like he wants to own this, but at the same time he can’t. Millie keeps throwing the flowers out or giving them to other girls in the dorm. I don’t want them. I don’t want anything that is a reminder of him.
Millie has been amazing. She’s been coming to Holy Sip! at night to make sure Blake doesn’t show up. She said she’ll punch him in the nuts if he does – a one-two shot, right to the baby maker. It took a while, but she has made me laugh again. I appreciate her company most nights, so I’ve never told her that I know he won’t show up here. Blake has a hard time admitting fault. He’s never had to, so I know he won’t come to me to apologize. It isn’t his style. The flowers were his way of apologizing without having to actually say it out loud.
The one thing that’s still eating at me is why he never actually had sex with me. He could have won the bet so many times. I was practically serving myself up on a platter, and he refused time and time again. It just doesn’t make sense. I still talk to the baseball players when we run into each other, but I stopped tailgating with them and attending football games. I just can’t see him. I will crack.
I’ve asked Finn a couple of times about how the bet ended, and he says the same thing every time. Blake paid him $160,000 the day before the bet expired. He backed out because he was convinced he couldn’t close the deal after our tutoring sessions. It doesn’t make sense. He ended it. He said no to sex. HIM! It was all him. Not that I wanted him to win, but still. It pains me that I think about Mr. Emerald Eyes every single day.
“Are you all set for break?” Millie asks as she drags her suitcase into our kitchen.
“Yup! My flight leaves in the morning, as long as that snowstorm holds off.” I didn’t go home for Thanksgiving. I couldn’t afford it. But with the extra shifts at the coffeehouse, I’m going home for Christmas and the entire winter break. I can’t wait to see my friends and surf. The water will be chilly, but still warm in comparison to the negative temperatures here.
I need the water. I crave it when my life goes down the toilet. It was my saving grace when my dad was arrested, and then again when Bates broke my heart, and then yet again when we lost our house. I need it to help me get over Blake. My heart is broken, and I’ve fallen way harder this time than ever before. It’s going to take a lot of surfing.
“I’m going to miss you,” Millie says and hugs me.
“Same. I hope you have a wonderful break in Virginia.”
“It’s not as warm at Cali, but I’m excited to see my family for a few weeks. Still nothing from Blake?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I confirm. He stopped sending flowers after about a month of radio silence from my end. It took a lot of willpower to not reach out to him, even just to tell him to stop sending the flowers. I know it’s petty, but silence is more torturous, and I hope he’s feeling like an ass for what he did.
“Well, they’re playing in a bowl game on the thirtieth. Maybe he’s busy,” she offers as an excuse.
“Millie, we’ve been over this. It’s history. Do you remember everything that happened? The girls, the lying, the bet.”
“I do,” she nods, “but I still think he loves you. I think that’s why he paid Finn off early. He didn’t want to win the bet. You said so yourself, Maze, you would have slept with him. It doesn’t make sense. Plus, all those flowers. He must have spent thousands on all those bouquets.”
“He built up my trust and then crapped on it. I don’t care if he spent millions on flowers. I told him things that most people don’t know. He knew about my mom and all my trust issues. He took that info and used it against me to try and win a bet. He took my trust and stuck it in a meat grinder.”
I say that more for myself than Millie, because I’m still in love with him. Am I a dumb girl for still pining over him after what he did? I am, I know I am. But I can’t help what my heart and body feel. I can’t explain it, and I hate myself for it. I really do. It takes every ounce of concentration from my brain to not think of him. I wish I could turn it off, but there’s a part of me that will always belong to Donovan Blake, and it completely sucks.
“I know, I just—” she pauses. “Never mind.”
“Just say it, Millie.”
“I just think you’re meant to be together,” she shrugs. “He was so much be
tter with you.”
“This coming from the girl who has called him a dick every time we’ve been together.”
“I did that, yes, but honestly I think you love each other for real. And he is an asshole. He’s a giant asshole dick, but he wasn’t an asshole dick when he was with you. The way things started aren’t perfect, but I think real feelings came from it. He hasn’t been the same since Halloween. Do you know what he’s been up to since that night?” she says with a half-smile.
“No, and I don’t care.” Lies! I want to know.
“Yes, you do. I know it’s killing you and I’m not saying you should forgive him right away. He needs to fucking earn it, but I talked to Finn and he said Blake has been more angry than normal. Like a serious downward spiral. He beat up some music major kid in the Quad because he didn’t like the song he was singing. Smashed the kid’s face and his guitar. He almost got expelled, but his coach talked to the chancellor. And he got ejected from a football game over Thanksgiving for targeting a guy. Apparently there’s a right way and a wrong way to hit someone and he knocked a player from OSU completely out. He’s been binge drinking and ignoring every girl on campus. He is spiraling, Maze. It’s bad.”
“How is that my fault? Why should I care if he’s spiraling?” I snap at her, but I don’t intend to be so snarky. “He did this to himself. I was nothing but open and honest. He used me. Do you know what that’s like? It’s not okay! And no matter what I feel, felt, whatever, it doesn’t matter now. He broke us.”
I can’t believe she’s on Team Blake. How can she expect me to forgive him for what he did?
“It’s not okay and it’s not your fault at all. I’m just saying he’s hurting too, and he may be sorry. That’s all.”
“I gotta go to work. I’ll see you tomorrow before I leave,” I say as I walk to the door. “Oh, and he’s never once actually apologized, Millie. Not one time.” I slam the door on my way out.
My shift drags on. I’m usually super happy at Holy Sip! because I love working here, but tonight, after my conversation with Millie, I’m in a foul mood. It makes me feel slightly better that Blake is hurting, because I’m hurting. I’m glad to hear that the pain isn’t one sided. Am I? I’ve never been a vindictive person, but then again, I’ve never been hurt like this before.
Bella, Gemma, and Paige are in their normal booth tonight, gossiping and drinking their non-fat mochas and chai teas. They had a field day with the Blake blow-up on Halloween even though they’re supposed to be my friends. They can’t stop the gossip, but thankfully, the focus has shifted. A soccer player got arrested for flashing co-eds and now the rumor is that some of the men’s swim team were caught stuffing their speedos with dildos. One slipped out during a race and started floating in the pool. Quite the scandal. Millie swore it wasn’t Colton.
Besides the most recent gossip, the girls start chatting about their trip to Miami for the Orange Bowl. Paige started dating one of the players a month or so ago, and the girls are using it as an excuse to go south for winter break. I’m slightly jealous that they’ll be down there with Blake, but I don’t share that information. They’re fun girls to have around, but not the type I would share any personal information with. I’ve learned too much about the campus sex scene already, and I don’t plan to be the center of the gossip again any time soon. Once in a lifetime is enough.
I can’t really hear the details of their conversation, but all of a sudden Bella pipes up, “Hey Maze, did you hear Blake hasn’t fucked anyone since Halloween? He’s like celibate or some shit. It’s really sad actually.”
“Maybe it improves his football game?” I quip. Even at his worst, people are drawn to him. Girls still want him regardless of what he did. They love him, and they want him to love them in return. It speaks volumes about him really.
I feel the bile rise in my throat at the thought as I picture brown hair and giant boobs flopping around. Maybe I should transfer back to UCLA. Would 3,000 miles put an end to my thoughts? Doubtful and I can’t keep running away every time life knocks me down.
“No chance. I think they play better the more they come. That’s what Eldon says anyway,” Paige shrugs.
“But who said Blake isn’t fucking?” Gemma asks.
“Everyone,” Paige replies. “He hasn’t been hitting on chicks and hasn’t taken anyone home in weeks.”
“It’s almost ten o‘clock and we close at eleven,” I interject. “I need to clean the espresso machines. Say bye before you go.” I can’t listen to this anymore. I don’t want to think about Blake’s sex life.
I walk back behind the counter and Heather, another employee, is talking on her cell. She’s so worthless. I start taking apart the machine when the doorbell goes off. Who needs coffee this late? I’m tired and I want to go home on time.
“Don’t worry, I got it,” I snap at Heather, who doesn’t hang up her call to wait on the customer.
“Can I help—“ I freeze. Donovan Blake is standing in front of me. I can hear Gemma, Bella, and Paige gasp. He looks like hell. Hot hell, but hell, nonetheless.
He’s stopped shaving his head, so his hair has grown out to weird, varying lengths. There are dark circles under his eyes, and the rims are red. Not sure if that’s from crying or lack of sleep. I’m going with the latter. I can’t imagine Blake has tears at all. He’s usually so put together, but today his attire consists of sweatpants and a hoodie. He’s not even wearing a jacket – in December, in Massachusetts.
I regain my composure. I’m not going to be intimidated and I’m not going to feel bad for him. He did this, not me.
“Welcome to Holy Sip!. Can I help you?” I address him as if we’ve never met. As if he’s never had his tongue inside of me. As if I’ve never sucked on his magnificent penis. As if we didn’t have body-clenching, mind-blowing orgasms. As if we didn’t spend hours getting to know each other on a deeply personal level.
“Large Americano. Extra shot,” he orders plainly. He isn’t sleeping. It’s confirmed by his beverage of choice.
“How are you?” he asks. My blood starts to boil. Between the anger boiling inside of me and the fact that I’m so immensely still turned on by his presence. I hate myself and my feelings right now.
“Fine,” I reply calmly, tamping down my real feelings. Don’t get suckered in.
“Are you going home for break?” he asks.
“Are you really here for a late dose of caffeine and to make small talk?” I snap. “I have to clean up.”
“No,” he replies dryly. “I miss you.”
Bella muffles a shriek and hurriedly gets out her phone. Paige clasps her hands over her mouth and Gemma is just flat-out gawking. Fucking great. I don’t want them exploiting him in this state. I still have a heart and he really does seem...off.
I motion for him to meet around back. He leaves out the front door, and I walk through the kitchen to exit through the back to the alley between the coffeehouse and Cha Chi’s Cantina.
“What do you want from me, Blake?” I ask impatiently when he arrives. “You’ve already humiliated me. You used me and broke my heart. I have nothing left for you to destroy.”
“I got an A on my midterm,” he offers. “Thanks to you I was eligible, and we’re going to a bowl game. It’s a really big deal in college football.”
“Great. I also heard you almost got expelled for fighting and you got ejected from a game. What’s that about? Are you trying to ruin your future?” I lecture, and his green eyes start to burn. Something changes, and instead of the downtrodden man who walked into the shop, there’s a glimpse of the egotistically, sexy man I remember from August.
“So you’ve been keeping tabs, huh?” he asks and raises an eyebrow.
“No, but people still feel the need to inform me of your comings and goings. I’m not sure why.”
“There’s no coming. I can assure you. Not since you.” Maybe the girls are right about his sex life. “I really miss you, Maisy. Please let me try to make it right. Everyone des
erves a second chance, right? Even assholes like me,” he says and drops to his knees in front of me in the alley. He puts his hands on my hips and presses his forehead to my belly. The feeling of his fingers digging into my hips is electrifying. His face so close to me. He smells heavenly, like his cologne and soap and sweat, and my heart starts to race. You traitor. I look down to where my heart is beating from my chest.
“I can’t do this, Blake,” I practically whisper because I have to force the words from my mouth. “I have to get back inside. Good luck in your game, and congratulations on the midterm.”
I sidestep him to walk back inside, leaving him on his knees, his head hanging down and his hands on the cement. Seeing him this way, I want to rush to him, hold him, kiss him because I still love him. But then I force myself to remember what he did, and my self-respect helps me open the door and walk back inside.
I’m looking forward to getting on that plane tomorrow. I need a break.
Chapter 27: Donovan
“BLAKE! THAT’S ENOUGH!” Rhodes shouts over the screams of the girls watching this scene unfold and the thumping music. “LET HIM GO!” I feel him grab my shoulder and yank me backwards.
Rhodes finally snaps me back to reality. I look around and I’m straddling a dude on the living room floor of the Pi Kappa house. His face is a bloody mess. I look down at my hands and they are busted to hell, but I welcome the sting. It takes the pressure off my heart for a while.
Some of the gawkers eye me in fear, some in pity and some in lust. The strangest things turn girls on.
“I need a drink,” I slur as I stumble and shove my way through the crowd.
“No, you don’t. You drank an entire bottle of Jack. You’re gonna die.” Rhodes shoves me away from the kitchen toward the front door.
“Who the fuck cares if I do,” I mumble.
Redemption (Cambria University #2) Page 20
