“What the fuck is wrong with you man? We’re leaving.”
We were attending Pi Kappa’s huge end-of-the-semester bash, until I ruined it. Life has been shit since Maisy walked away from me in that alley. It was shit before that honestly, but it’s really shit now. Roommate told me she left for California the day after her finals were over.
Yeah, we’ve been talking. She’s grown on me and I didn’t know who else to talk to. I swallowed my pride and asked Roommate for some help. Not that she can help now, with Maisy heading back to Cali. Probably back into the arms of that fucking motherfucker Bates.
Her beautiful bronze body is probably rocking with the waves and then getting rocked again by that asshole on the beach. The thought makes me want to vomit. Nope, that’s actual vomit.
The cold air hits me as Rhodes shoves me out the front door of the Pi Kappa house, and not a second too soon. I lean over the railing of the porch and puke violently into the bushes. That feels better. I haven’t drunk puked in ages. It’s a lot humbling and a little sobering.
“For fuck’s sake, Blake,” Rhodes says and shakes his head at my behavior. “Nothing to see here, ladies, keep walking,” he says to some sorority sisters who are walking into the house.
He knows I’m fucking miserable, but it doesn’t excuse my behavior. We have a bowl game coming up and I’m looking at a hefty suspension if that kid snitches on me. Considering he’s a little bitch, I’m guessing that hefty suspension is coming.
“I’ll fix it,” I say and wipe the vomit away from my chin. “I’m feeling better now.”
“Who was that kid? And what did this one do? Breathe in your air space?” Rhodes snaps.
I’ve gotten in four fights in the last week. Well I wouldn’t call them fights. I’ve hit four people this last week. One kid cut in front of me in the line at Gypsy Juice, one stole a parking spot I was going to take, another bumped into me walking to class, and the one before this guy dropped his phone, and I had to stop and wait for him to pick it up. All super valid reasons for a punch to the face.
“He was happy,” I reply without thinking.
“Seriously? You’re off the fucking rails, bro.” He sighs. “I feel for you, Blake, I really do. But you gotta get it together, man.”
“Even Mac lost his shit, bro. Give me some time to grieve.”
“Mac trashed our locker room. He didn’t beat a kid senseless for being happy,” Rhodes replies and I hate that he a fucking point. Mac lost his shit when Kiernan broke up with him, but he even in his worst state he is a better man than I am.
Just as I’m trying to regain my composure, a massive dude walks out of the house. He has to be at least six feet, four inches and 250 pounds. He should be on our team. Fuck, he’s huge, and I have no idea how this going to go down, but I have a feeling it’s going to hurt.
“Hey, fuck face!” he shouts and points his large sausage finger at me.
“I assume you’re talking to me? Did I fuck your sister?” I say as I try to stand without swaying back and forth.
“Oh, fucking hell,” Rhodes murmurs.
“That was my brother you jacked up in there, you prick,” he growls and takes two massive strides to get to where Rhodes and I are standing.
“Bro, he’s wasted. He didn’t know what he was doing. His girl just dum—”
“Shut up, Rhodes.” I stop him. “You’re a fucking beast and that little pissant was your brother? No fucking way. Did your mom fuck a scrawny mailman? No, wait, pool boy. That’s it!” I snap my fingers and point at the big man in front of me.
“Shut the fuck up, Blake!” Rhodes yells at me.
“You’re not funny, and I’m gonna kill you,” Big Man sneers at me.
“Okay, Big Man, let’s do this shit.” I stumble my way past him and off the deck to the snow-covered lawn. “Hit me,” I tell him and I point at my face.
“Excuse me?” he asks and clenches his fists at his sides as he walks down the stairs toward me.
“Fucking hit me, Big Man. You’re tough, right? Hit me,” I urge. I’m certifiably insane, I think. I take a wobbly step towards him.
“Blake, knock it off, man. This is fucking nuts. Just shut up,” Rhodes commands, totally exasperated.
“No!” I snap. “Big Man wants to go, let’s fucking go.”
“You’re a dead man,” he snarls at me, and steps off the porch to meet me in the front yard.
“Bro, please. He’s not in the head space for this shit. We have a big bowl game coming up and he’s a starting linebacker. We need him in one piece,” Rhodes continues to plead with him. “Are you fucking suicidal, you ass? Knock this shit off!” Rhodes tries to plead with me too.
“A linebacker huh?” Big Man smiles at my drunk ass and a crowd is starting to gather on the porch. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m really just hoping he will knock my ass out so I can get the image of Maisy’s ocean eyes out of my head. Those sapphires watching me as I licked her pussy. The sweetest pussy I’ve ever tasted. The sweetest lips and smartest mouth I’ve ever kissed. Fuck the concussion, maybe he’ll just kill me.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Bateman shouts over the crowd as he shoulders his way off the porch. Oh good, another voice of reason.
Big Man and I are now face to face. He has me by least two inches and fifty pounds. I might have a fighting chance sober, but not in my current state.
“Bro.” Bateman tries to step between us and places a hand on each of our chests. “He’s a drunk-ass football player with a bad attitude. We need him for our bowl game. Please, dude. Have a heart.”
“Are you ready Big Man, or do I need to take you on a date first?” I goad him and knock Bateman’s hand off my chest.
Big Man snarls. “Please, I’m begging.” Bateman tries once more, turning to fully face the big guy.
“First rule of Fight Club is I can’t talk about Fight Club,” I chuckle to myself. “FUCKING HIT ME ALREADY!” and with that command I feel a sharp crack to my jaw. FUCK! That hurts! Big Man literally packs a punch. My drunk ass stumbles, but manage to stay standing. The adrenaline is kicking in as the pain spreads through my jaw.
“You want more, you asshole?” he asks and I see his bloodied little brother standing on the steps.
“Yesssss,” I hiss at him. He cocks his arm back and cracks me again. This time he connects with the side of my eye. I start laughing like a hyena, which causes him to pause and stare at me. I must look crazy.
“One more.” I hold up my index finger as I spit out a little blood that is dripping from my lip. He must have split my lip somewhere with his first hit to my jaw. I’m still a cocky asshole even when I’m taking a beating, and he may be huge, but he’s slow. My overconfident drunk ass is coursing with adrenaline and I’m assessing my odds. I think I’ve got a shot. I’m going to go all Connor McGregor on him. Just be faster and more effective.
“What?” he asks confused.
“You get one more punch and then I’m going to kick your ass. If I do, your pussy for a brother doesn’t press charges and neither do you. Deal?”
He bursts out laughing. “You’re a confident little fuck,” he says. “Deal.” And then his fists connects with my nose. I can feel it break from the contact, and the warm blood gushes down my face to shrieks from the girls watching my beautiful face get mauled.
“My turn.” I flash him a smile that is now stained red with blood. I think all my teeth are still there though. Pretty sure it was just my nose, but with the size of that dude’s meat hooks, could be worse. I can’t feel shit though. Too much anger, adrenaline and self-hatred raging through me.
He shakes his head and raises his arm back to hit me again, but before he can do that, I jab my right fist into his nose. I slam it upwards into the tip, and his eyes start to water while his nose starts to bleed. He wasn’t expecting that much force from a drunk fuck like me. I swing again, right fist to the temple and left fist under the chin. He stumbles backward and I keep charging forward to cheers from the c
rowd. Why people here like me is beyond comprehension sometimes.
I remember boxing combinations I learned over the years. Muscle memory never fails. Another right to the jaw and a left to the cheekbone. With another right uppercut, he trips backwards and lands on the ground. I walk over and put my foot on his chest like Captain Morgan on a barrel of rum, and raise my arms over my head, victorious. The crowd goes fucking bonkers with cheers. I spit a blood clot out onto the snow next him and it splatters dangerously close to his face.
“That was fun, man.” I smile again. “Let’s do it again soon.” He rolls over and starts to get up slowly.
Rhodes hurdles the porch railing and shoves me down the sidewalk to my truck.
“Give me the fucking keys,” he whisper yells. “You’re in so much fucking trouble, Blake.”
“Nah, he promised he wouldn’t press charges.”
“You think by kicking his ass and his brother’s that’s gonna stop him from pressing charges? You really are fucked.”
I shrug.
“What are you going to do? Seriously? This has to stop. You’re going to hurt yourself or someone else. You could have killed the little kid back there, or been killed by his monster of a brother.”
“I’ve never lost a fight. I’m not too worried about my safety.” I scoff at the thought. If I was sober, it would have taken less time, and I’m pretty sure the dude wouldn’t have a landed a single punch.
“I’m worried about your sanity… and your face.”
I can only imagine what my face looks like. I let Big Man get in a few punches just because I wanted to feel the pain that comes with being hit. I wanted to let my face ease some of the pain from my heart. “Sorry about ruining your night with the Jones twins,” I offer while leaning my head against the window of my truck.
Rhodes belts out a deep belly laugh as if what I said is the funniest thing he’s ever heard. “Out of all the apologies you should be making, that isn’t one of them. She needs the apology. Not me.”
“Yeah? Well I fucking tried that already. Didn’t work.”
“You did? When the fuck did you do that?” he asks pointedly, almost like he doesn’t believe me.
“What day is it today?”
“Saturday,” he replies.
“Yesterday, while she was working at the coffeehouse.”
“You apologized while she was working?”
“Yes. Why? This drive taking forever. Can you drive faster?”
“You can’t dive-bomb her at work and expect her to swoon after what you did.”
“I sent flowers. Like fifteen-hundred dollars’ worth. She threw them all out. I saw them in the dumpster when I was casually strolling past her dorm in a non-stalking manner.”
Rhodes laughs again. “You deserve that, cuz what you did was pretty fucking awful. Did the words ‘I’m sorry’ ever leave your lips?”
“Don’t you think I know that? I’ve been sick over it. I was going to tell her the truth and apologize. Then Stoner fucking opened his big-ass mouth.”
“Were you? You’ve had months to own this shit, bro. You were too chicken shit to do it.”
“I should punch you too,” I groan. I never would. Rhodes is my best friend and outside of Maisy, he’s the only person who knows me well. I’m kind of a standoffish prick most of the time if you haven’t noticed.
“You won’t, cuz you know I’m right. You need her, I get it. I know what the right girl can do to your heart.”
“Don’t get fucking Hallmark on me.”
“Turn it off, Donovan,” Rhodes snaps. He never calls me Donovan. I lift my head off the window and look at him. “Yeah, I said it. Stop making fucking excuses. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This was your fucking fault. Own it. Own it to her and say the fucking words ‘I’m sorry,’ because I know you haven’t and I can guarantee that while your actions are screaming apologetic guilt, your voice is not.”
He’s right. I actually never said I was sorry. I tried to show her with the flowers and when I dropped down on my knees, but I never said I was truly sorry. Add that to the list of things I fucked up.
“Bro, this is going to make me sound like a fucking lunatic, so don’t give me shit about this next statement. I’m fucking tired of being lonely,” I practically whisper and wipe my bleeding nose on the neckline of my shirt. Most people would laugh at the statement because I’m never alone. My boys and I are always surrounded by jersey chasers, fanboys or our teammates. We have hundreds of friends. I have almost ten thousand followers on Instagram. There really isn’t a time outside of when I’m sleeping – or lying in bed awake because sleep evades me most of the time – that I’m alone. Yet I’ve been lonely my whole life. Cry for the rich boy whose parents barely know he exists.
“We’re surrounded by people all the time, but we’re lonely as fuck. I snapped last year with Mac and Kiernan, remember that? Not my finest moment,” Rhodes asks. I do – after Kiernan made a fancy Christmas dinner for us, Rhodes kissed her in front of Brooks. I was getting dressed at the time to go to a party, but Rhodes said Brooks explained to him what he was missing and why he felt like he needed Kiernan. Kiernan shifted his universe. The right woman changes a man – I’d say right down his DNA, but that’s an exaggeration. Not far off though.
I nod, because I have no words right now. I can’t believe two of the most badass dudes at Cambria are discussing love and feelings just after a bloody fight in a sick blacked-out truck. This is like a bad movie.
“I craved what they had. It wasn’t Kiernan, she wasn’t the one for me, but what they shared, man… We all want that. We need it. I’ve never told you about my first girlfriend. I was in love man, deep, all in forever, love and I fucked it up,” he says and grabs the medallion under his shirt. It’s a gold necklace with a football charm that he never takes off. I’ve never asked him about it, but now it seems like that thing holds a special meaning for him. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and how I could have taken a different path. And well, you know what happened with Tori. I was wrong about her. I was trying to force something that wasn’t there because I wanted a relationship so badly. It was partially Tori’s fault, but it was also mine. My heart isn’t mine to give anymore.”
“How have you not lost hope then?” I ask, because I have. I don’t think I will feel anything ever again, let alone feel what I had with Maisy for another woman.
“I know there’s somebody out there for me. I had her once. Maisy is it for you. I could see after that first time she spent the night. You were hooked. The way you look at her and the way she looks at you. It’s a simple thing but that says it all. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Go fucking get it.”
“I’m going to California,” I say and stare at my bloodied and bruised knuckles.
“Oh God,” Rhodes grumbles. “That isn’t exactly what I meant. I kinda meant when she gets back to school, you should do something special and apologize. Does she even want you there?”
“Probably not. But you’re right. I never said the words, and I’m going to get what’s mine,” I say as I pick at the dried blood. “Mac got Kiernan back with all of his grand gestures. I have to try, and I’m not going to text her where she could ignore it or block me. She probably already blocked me, actually.”
“You’re right. Mac owned it,” he replies, thinking over my idea. “When are you going?” He’s on board with this.
“Well, if Coach suspends me, then tomorrow, but if he doesn’t, then right after our bowl game.”
“I actually think that’s the best idea you’ve had in a long time. Grand gestures, man. Right from the McCarthy playbook. Do you know where she lives?”
“Yeah, in the ocean.”
Rhodes starts laughing again. “You’re a fucking piece of work, man.”
He’s right. I’m a mess and not worth much in the boyfriend department, but I’m going to get my girl before it kills me. And if I fail, well, then at least I tried to make it right, and maybe my guilty
conscience will leave me the fuck alone.
Chapter 28: Maisy
New Year’s Eve
Winter surfing is much more hardcore than summer months. The swells are bigger and the water is cold. No more bikini – I need a full-on wetsuit for warmth. New Year’s is bringing in ten-foot waves today. It’s a rush to surf in these conditions, and I feel alive again after everything that happened.
I exit the water and walk up the beach with my board, and plop down in the sand. I need a minute to warm up and let my muscles relax. Sleeping on Mabel’s couch again after spending months in a real bed has wrecked my back.
Pete has been awesome, letting me use a board and wetsuit every day. He’s only asked a few questions about college so I told him a little about Donovan, but not the whole story. Something inside me doesn’t want everyone judging him.
Just as I settle in, I feel a body drop down next to me. “How’s the morning?” Kali asks as she snuggles up next to me under a blanket. She’s a true Cali girl, always cold unless it’s eighty degrees. Right now, she’s gripping her cup of coffee like it’s a lifeline.
“I’m out here, right? It can’t be bad.”
“Still thinking about Donovan?” she nudges me. Kali is the one person who I know will set me straight. She’s been my best friend for years, and I need someone outside of Cambria to know my story. Someone who doesn’t know the allure of Donovan Blake.
It’s been so amazing being back home with my friends, but I still think about Donovan all the time. Even though Kali and I have spent almost every day together since I got back, I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell her everything. At this point it is a hookup and break up story.
“Yeah, for the life of me I can’t get him out of my head, even after what he did, but in the same breath I think of how it felt when he touched me. What it felt like when we were just us, and it felt real.” I sigh in defeat.
“Maze, I’ve known you forever. I know you’re not telling me something. I haven’t pushed because I figured you’d tell me when you’re ready. That’s how you roll, and I’m totally cool with that. But please, tell me so I can help. You’re not you, and this can’t just be over some guy who went down on you.”
Redemption (Cambria University #2) Page 21
