With This Heart

by R.S. Grey

  When I tried to sleep that night, I tossed and turned, thinking over the memories of our road trip. I slid open the journal that I kept on my nightstand and read over my favorite parts. The pages were worn and stained. A few of the edges were curling in on themselves. The journal had been my crutch the past year. In a strange turn of events, Beck had actually done me a favor when he walked out without taking it, but I wasn’t going to let him walk away again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  I walked through the MIT campus with a stack of papers in hand. The campus was still mostly empty. I’d woken up at the crack of dawn to be sure I could do my dirty work when there weren’t thousands of students in the way.

  MIT’s campus is enormous, but I looked up where the journalism classes usually were held and hit that area especially hard. There wasn’t a safe surface in sight. I pasted pages up on the buildings, on telephone poles, and bulletin boards.

  I pasted sheet after sheet in the student union until the walls were almost completely covered in flapping pages. I kept moving toward the center of the campus where I’d seen the statue yesterday. I pasted as I went, trying to move quickly, but just when I thought I was in the clear, I felt a looming presence behind me.

  “ Ma’am, do you realize that you’re vandalizing school property?” A stern voice questioned behind me. I turned slowly to look into the eyes of a distinguished man. He had thick white hair, cut short and styled nicely. Horn-rimmed glasses perched on his thin nose. A navy sport coat rested on top of his crisp white shirt.

  “ I…I,” I couldn’t formulate a response. He was about to ruin my plan or yell at me. I didn’t do well with confrontation and I was seconds away from breaking down in embarrassing, ugly tears.

  “ We have janitors that are hardworking individuals. They have enough on their plate without having to clean up after vandals. Do you understand that?” His tone was harsh and his sharp stare made me feel like a juvenile delinquent.

  “ I’m sorry,” I murmured lamely, glancing down at my stack of unused papers. My plan felt foolish now. Why had I thought this would work?

  “ May I at least see what you’re posting?” he asked. I fumbled quickly to pass a sheet over to him, unable to meet his gaze. My cheeks reddened beyond what I thought possible. If he hadn’t thought I was foolish before then he definitely would after reading my plea to get Beck back.

  His eyes glanced down at the sheet and I watched him scan the page, his expression imperceptible. His thick white eyebrows shot up in surprise and then the edge of his mouth curled up into a hint of a smile.

  “ Is this true?” he asked, and I gulped down a swallow.

  My head nodded before my vocal cords could catch up. “Yes, sir.”

  I stood frozen, waiting for him to call campus authorities or threaten me somehow. I imagined the campus police hauling me off in handcuffs at the precise moment Beck walked onto campus. Instead, the distinguished man stretched out his hand.

  “ Give me a few so that I can put them over in the Architecture school. I’m a professor over there.” My eyes practically bulged out of my head at his words. Could he truly be serious? He was going to help me?

  I grabbed a dozen and handed them over to him with shaky hands. I couldn’t believe the turn of events. Before he turned to walk away, he looked up at me and narrowed his eyes.

  “ I met a girl when I was studying abroad in Italy. We walked the same path to college every day and I never worked up the courage to stop and talk to her. I’d hate for you to have the same regret.” He nodded to himself, the hint of a smile still playing on his lips before he turned and walked off with a confident stride. I felt like I’d stepped into the twilight zone. A laugh escaped my lips as I stood there, completely dumbfounded, watching him disappear around the corner.

  When he was gone, I glanced down at the sheet of paper, trying to read it from his perspective.

  Distressed Damsel Seeks Brawny Hero

  If you’re reading this right now, chances are you’re an extra in my love story. But I need your help. You play a vital role in how my story ends.

  My name is Abby Mae, and one year ago, I gave up a part of my life that I thought I’d be able to live without. I knew I was doing the right thing, but now I’m left wondering what could have been.

  If you’ve ever had a missed chance at finding love, or if you’ve ever locked eyes with a girl across a coffee shop, or a guy next to you on the bus, this is that moment for me. I’m making my move and I’m throwing myself at fate in hopes that the boy I’m seeking will find this note.

  I can’t divulge his name, but our story is short and sweet, and I think you deserve to hear it:

  He was a handsome guy in a baseball cap and I was a cynical girl picking out an urn.

  He was a stubborn boy who weaseled his way into my road trip and I was a girl who learned that you can never have enough s’mores.

  Caroline was my friend that cut our trip in half and we were the ones to appreciate the indefinity of our timelines.

  He was a boy that watched me sing karaoke and I was the girl who almost got us kicked out of the bar.

  John Denver was our road trip muse and I learned to trust the power of his songs.

  I was a girl who chose to Dare and not Drink and he was a boy that screamed he liked me into the ocean.

  He left because I forced his hand, but now I’m begging him to understand my reasons.

  If you’re that guy, meet me in The Alchemist statue tomorrow at six pm. If none of that story rings a bell, please help me and pass this note along so that I can find him.

  I chuckled under my breath at the fact that the distinguished professor wanted to play a part in my story. If he believed in the note, then maybe Beck would as well.

  The sound of a skateboard slamming up onto the curb pulled me out of the moment and I glanced up. In a matter of minutes, the campus had transitioned from a ghost town into a bustling zoo. I frowned and took in the people swarming around me, trying to spy a pair of familiar hazel eyes or brown hair hidden beneath a baseball cap. Instead, I found a rather diversified mix of students that looked nothing like Beck.

  I still had a pile of papers in my arms, but students were stopping to check out the ones I’d already posted and there was no way I could continue posting more without them noticing me. In a rush, I gathered up all of my supplies and started heading back toward the Harvard Bridge.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  The next day dragged by at a snail’s pace. I craned my neck off my pillow to see that it was eight in the morning. The next time I checked it was eight fifteen.

  “ Motherf-” I groaned into my pillow, allowing it to drown out the end of my curse.

  I hadn’t been able to fall asleep until around two am the night before. Then, when I did finally sleep, visions of Beck laughing while I stood inside the statue crying had circled in my head until I’d bolted awake in a cold sweat. I should mention that I was dressed up as a T-Rex in the dream, so I’m not sure what my brain was trying to tell me other than that I shouldn’t dress up as a dinosaur if I wanted to win Beck back. Maybe I should steer clear of costumes all together.

  I rolled myself off my bed and went to my closet to pick out the clothes I would wear later. Jeans and a long-sleeved striped fitted shirt. Not too shabby, but it didn’t look like I was trying too hard either. Once my clothes were lying on my bed, I sunk down to the floor.

  If Beck wasn’t at MIT, I would survive and laugh off the experience. Maybe. But, if Beck had a girlfriend, I didn’t know what I would do. A year is a really long time and we hadn’t spoken once. Not once after his month of calls. I’d be lying if I hadn’t secretly wished that it had been a situation like The Notebook. I’d even asked my mom if she was hiding away all of the love letters that he’d sent me. She just rolled her eyes and told me to get out of my apartment and take a walk. Still, it was nice to think that maybe Beck hadn’t moved on from me with the snap of a finger. I mean, the
idea of someone writing you a letter everyday for a year is pretty romantic, but also unrealistic. That’s a lot of paper and a lot of postage.

  Suddenly a knock on my dorm’s door rattled me from my thoughts and I looked up just in time to see the door pop open. I held my breath as a girl with long brown hair and a slew of freckles walked into the room, rolling a suitcase behind her. Her eyes scanned from the empty bed, to our desks against the windows, and then down to the floor where I was sitting with my legs pulled up to my chest.

  What a great first impression. I looked like an escaped mental patient.

  I saw her swallow and then a tiny smile spread across her lips. She was just as nervous as I was.

  “ Hi,” I offered, confused about which social skills I was meant to employ in this situation. For the past year, my closest friends were my life coach, Danny the Drag Queen, my gay neighbors, and my parents. I hadn’t made a real friend since Caroline’s death, and now that I was staring at someone my age, I felt my lungs constrict in fear of what she thought of me.

  I hopped up to my feet and realized we were practically the same height.

  “ I’m Abby,” I offered gently.

  “ Hi.” She smiled timidly. “I’m Sammy.”

  We stood silently, soaking in the awkwardness of our introductions, and then I finally spoke up. “I picked this side because of the sunlight, but if you want to swap, we definitely can. I just wanted to face the window when I wrote,” I kept rambling, pointing to various things in the room as I went.

  She interrupted me mid sentence. “Oh, no. No, that’s perfect. I don’t mind.” Her voice was small, like a mouse.

  I exhaled, trying to calm my nerves. Then I laughed, a tiny giggle that turned into a belly-aching laugh. Sammy looked at me like I’d just stepped off Pluto, but then I think the situation sank in for her and she started laughing as well.

  “ I was really nervous about having a potluck roommate. None of my friends from home got into this school,” Sammy explained as she sat back on her bed, finally relaxing.

  I shrugged and sat back on my bed as well. “I think we’ll be okay.” And I meant it. It felt good to know that I’d have a friend soon. That even if things with Beck didn’t work out later, I’d still have Sammy. “I can help you grab your stuff, if you have more?”

  Her face lit up, “That’d be great. And then,” she paused, fidgeting with her stuff on her bed, “we could get lunch if you want? There’s this sandwich shop down the street that looked like it had vegetarian options.”

  “ You’re a vegetarian!? So am I!” I smiled wide, holding the door open so we could head down to grab her luggage.

  I ended up spilling my plan to Sammy after we’d returned from lunch and exploring around the city. Not so much because I wanted to divulge secrets with her, but more so as a public service announcement. She had the right to know that I could be potentially wallowing on the floor of our dorm unable to muster the energy for any human contact for the next few days. Yes, that was the worst case scenario, but still feasible.

  “ Wow… that’s really brave,” she commented as I laced up my Keds.

  “ It doesn’t feel brave. It feels reckless, like I’m throwing myself into oncoming traffic,” I laughed, wondering if we were to the point where I could divulge my true sense of humor. Her laughter put my mind at ease.

  “ Do you want me to walk over with you? I won’t stay if you don’t want me to.” Her tone sounded so sincere that I could almost hear Caroline cheering from wherever she stood watching that moment.

  “ That’d actually be great. I feel like I might chicken out.” I stood and took a deep breath, wondering what else I would need. I caught my reflection in the mirror. My jade green eyes popped against my fair skin. My strawberry blonde hair framed my face in natural waves. No makeup, just me. The me that Beck hopefully still loved.

  “ You look great,” Sammy offered, tugging her purse over her shoulder. I met her gaze in the mirror and gave her a silly smile before we locked up and headed toward the statue.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Love will make you reckless. It can drag out parts of you that common sense and fear usually keep hidden away. Because love is selfless and selfish. Heading toward that statue proved just how selfless I was going to have to be if I wanted to win Beck back. When I walked onto the MIT campus and stumbled upon a sight that made my heart stop, I didn’t turn around even though my feet didn’t want to keep carrying me forward. I had to be brave for Beck.

  I kept pushing past people, contemplating the fact that there was a crowd waiting around the statue that could have rivaled the attendance of a rock concert. Everyone was milling about, holding my flyers and talking animatedly. The closer I attempted to get to the statue, the more condensed the crowd became.

  Sammy’s wide eyes confirmed my fears. My heart hammered against my chest, deafening the sounds of the crowd. Whatever was about to happen wouldn’t be private. There were cell phones, cameras, and one thousand memories that would forever capture my inevitable heartache.

  “ Are all these people here because of the letter you put up yesterday?” Sammy asked, clutching onto my elbow so we wouldn’t get pulled apart in the crowd.

  “ I have no clue,” I answered in a daze. But the closer to the statue we pushed, the more I realized that whatever bravery I thought I needed would have to be doubled.

  “ I’m not sure I can do this.” I shook out my hands, feeling a panic starting to rise. I didn’t think people would care. I was scared no one would even read the letter. But this? The fact that so many people were curious about the outcome made my stomach twist into a tight pretzel.

  “ Abby,” Sammy looked down at her watch. “You’ve still got fifteen minutes. Let’s just walk closer to the statue and you can decide when we get up there.” Her suggestion seemed reasonable enough. No one knew I was the girl from the flyer yet, they just thought we wanted front row seats. We kept pushing, getting some angry stares from people who’d clearly been waiting for quite some time. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to hide my blushing cheeks and keep my head down until we finally pushed our way through to the other side.

  The statue was an island stuck smack-dab in the center of no man’s land. No one wanted to get too close. I peered toward Sammy wearily, but her eyes were wide and she kept shaking her head in disbelief. I wondered if she thought her first day at college would be quite so interesting.

  Why had all these people come? Maybe since classes hadn’t started yet, no one had anything better to do? I should have planned better. Maybe my mom was right about calling him instead. I pulled my phone out of my purse and looked down to see a blank screen. If he’d seen the flyer, would he have called me already?

  “ Abby, you only have five minutes now, do you think you should…?” Her eyes darted from me to the statue, then back again. She couldn’t finish the sentence because she knew how insane it was.

  I pocketed my phone and puffed out a breath. My hands felt clammy. Sammy nudged my arm and I realized I was still standing there, not deciding what to do. I either had to move forward, or leave and try something else.

  I didn’t think I’d be able to do it.

  But then I locked eyes with the distinguished professor from the day before, the one who could have turned me into the authorities. He was across the circle, watching me with a half smile and I couldn’t help but gape. It may seem strange considering I barely knew him, and I hardly knew Sammy, but having them both there made me feel like I wasn’t so alone. Maybe they’d have my back if people started throwing rotten tomatoes or something at me.

  You know that feeling when you’re about to jump into a cold pool? You realize that it will be freezing and that you just have to hold your breath and get it over with. There’s a moment when you’re on the ledge and your heart leaps in your chest and then before you realize it, you’re bending your knees and jumping whether you consciously decided to or not? That�
�s what happened when I took my first step into the circle. It was a baby step, but my body took it as an approval on my part, and before I knew it, I was halfway to the statue. My body was proceeding as planned and my brain was screaming for me to retreat, to get out while I still could.

  The crowd erupted into whispers and shouts, but the conversations were nothing more than background noise. Everyone’s faces blurred into nothingness as I walked toward the statue. It greeted me with silence, and I stepped inside, just past the entrance.

  I peered over to see Sammy give me a thumbs up before I squeezed my eyes shut. When I pried them open again, I stared into the crowd without seeing anyone. They were all a blur of skin tones and clothing. My fingers darted up to the tiny locket lying on top of my shirt. I fingered the gold heart, thinking of the flea market and the old ladies that condemned our kissing.

  I could feel my heart beating in my throat. Each beat felt like it was another step closer to my impending doom. Thump. He’s not coming. Thump. He’s probably not even at MIT. Thump. What if he has a girlfriend? Thump.

  “ I think I’m the person you wrote about in your note,” I heard a voice mutter confidently. My stomach dropped and I whipped my head around to see a stranger standing a few feet in front of me. He was tall and lanky; he wore Converse and a trendy pair of glasses. But he was definitely not Beck.

  “ Um,” I muttered awkwardly. I hadn’t considered what would happen if someone other than Beck came forward. “Are you joking?”