"Charlie's Cat Tails" By: Charlie

by Cade H. Hawkins

  I fake-clapped and yawned a bit. He obviously wouldn't let me go until I endured his little entertainment show so I let him do his thing. "For my first truck I'll open up a door to another dimension." I had to interrupt him "Seen it." Harry was shocked. "Really?..." He asked me. "Yes." I answered. "Ok thennnn." He said as he pulled a lamp out of his sleeve and set it down on the stage. "I will now transform this lamp into a broom." He waved a magic wand but I again interrupted him. "Seen it." The Bunny was at a loss for words. He began coming up with more tricks to show me. "Floating Carpet?" "Old." "Disappearing invisible box?" "Seen too much." "Snake swallowing? And reappearing?" "No." "levitating an elephant?" "Seen that too." "How about Becoming part bird and flying away?" "Goofy, but yah. I've seen it." "Diffusing a bomb with telekinesis?" "Yup. Seen it." "Pulling a man out of a hat?" He paused, awaiting my response. "Why not?" I shrugged. "Yes." I told him. He looked really happy. Truth be told, I'd probably seen that trick before, but if I said I had, I would've been there all day. Harry tossed the lamp away and-- "O-K O-K." --Took in a deep breath. Slowly he removed his Top Hat and flipped it over towards me to see it was empty inside. "ooooooo." I sounded interested. "OBSERVE. Nothing in my hat." He said, then flipping the hat back over, holding it out beside him with the rim facing the stage floor. Then he wacked the top of the hat with his right paw three times. "Ala- Ka- Wamie!" He shouted. I guess those were the magic words or something. After that, a full grown African-American man in a baseball cap and blue jeans slowly slipped out of the hat and slammed flat on the stage. "Oh, it worked!" The Bunny was surprised. "I mean, Ta-Da!" I stood up and actually clapped. The man on the stage came up to his knees and shouted "Where am I!?" I stopped clapping. Harry backed away from the man for safety. "You don't know how you got here?" I asked the stranger. "I was sitting with my wife and kids, I got up to use the bathroom. Then when I left the men's room I somehow ended up here." He told me. "So when you said you had to get up and go, you didn't mean GO HERE? Odd." I chuckled. I looked at the bunny, doing a stare-down. I figured he could put the man back. "So, can you put him back!?" I asked him frantically. "Ummmm." Harry stuttered, "I cannot. Sorry, It's a one-way hat." He said, then covered his face to prevent attacks for some reason. "Seriously!? OK, Mister?" I looked to the stranger for his name. "Vince G." He said. "Vince, I'll help you get back to your family. And the magic Bunny's gonna' help too!"

  Harry couldn't argue with me, he'd basically caused this mess. He held onto my trusty briefcase for me as we walked all throughout the streets of Hamburg (I seriously wanted a hamburger). We stopped to get a few turkey burgers from a little diner. "Did you eat with your family here?" I asked him. "No." I took our orders from the cashier. "Oh, too bad." We walked back out with our burgers in hand and strolled for a bit. "Do you have a cell phone?" I asked Vince. Vince felt his pockets. "No, my wife kept it in her purse for safe keeping while we ate." He groaned. Do you remember the name of the restaurant you ate at?" Harry asked Vince as I munched on my burger. "Mario's." Great, Italian and generic. Locating this guy's family was going to be harder than I thought it'd be. First I tried my cell phone but it kept freezing up with numerous texts Diddy sent me. I spotted a phone booth on the sidewalk and ran to it, with my burger still in-hand. I let Vince call his family but the line was busy. Then I began calling up all; the Mario's restaurants in the phone book, asking for Vince G's family and if they were there or had been there. Then we ran out of small change. We strolled through the stores lining the sidewalk, squirming through the groups of people, shoving to go through the restaurant's entrances. "Is this the one?" I'd ask him. "No." He'd tell me. Vince Harry and I repeated this action fifty plus more times (I think) before he finally asked us "Are we even in Maine?" We both stopped in our tracks (Harry and I) and turned back to face him, "You mean?" The Bunny started to ask, "You're from Main?" I finished the question. "Yes." He bluntly replied. "Vince, you're in the UK." I gave the bad news. I was kinda mad we'd been led all over Hamburg but at the same time I was truly upset for Vince because he'd been teleported to another country by a fat bunny with a magic hat. "Alright then." I sighed. I gave him money for the plane ride home, leaving just enough in my wallet for my train ticket to the new comedy lounge downtown.

  We helped Vince get to the airport, Harry rented us a scooter. We all struggled to ride it together but we managed. Vince left us and said "The thing that really bothers me, is I'll have to explain leaving during dinner and being teleported to another country to my wife." He didn't look too excited about that as he boarded his plane. After he was gone, I immediately shoved the fat rabbit up against the stone wall there at the airport. "Harry! You're getting me on the next train ride downtown! NOW!" Harry waved his magic wand and made the scooter into a motorbike. "Ala- Ka- Wamie!" He smiled. I didn't bother asking him how he did that, I took off with the bunny clinging onto my back. Driving the motorbike down the extremely busy streets of Hamburg. Thinking of Hamburg made me want another burger. We raced the roads until traffic came to a slow, that's when I freaked out the bunny and took off down the alleyways. "What're you doing?!" He shouted over the puttering of our tiny bike. "Improvising." I exclaimed. I used our combined weight to ride down a set of stairs, up on a wall to slide just over the top of a fence. But I didn't stop there, we kept going. Except when we hit the ground a piece of the bike broke off (not sure what piece exactly) so we skid down the asphalt until we reached the train station. I took my briefcase from Harry, then quickly got off to run in and get a ticket. Harry tried to park the bike, but with the damage it wouldn't stay upright and fell over a couple times. Eventually he gave up and ran inside too. I shoved through the pack of humans, animals and other things until I got to the front of line. "One Ticket Downtown. Anyplace." I ordered the man behind the counter.

  There was only one train left to get a ticket for, it was a freight train which accepted passengers. Great. I had to ride with all the new products that were overly hyped before their release. Before I boarded the train, Harry ran up and hugged me. "Thank you for staying at my magic show, and for helping Vince and for being my friend. Thank you funny Tuxedo Cat." He spoke as he crushed me. "My pleasure. I'm Charlie, The Comedy Cat… You should try and learn my name. They love me here." I choked under his fat arms. He let me go and I took my trusty suitcase aboard the train. That was the first time I missed a bunny.

  The Hype Train

  Did you know that there really is such a train? Yes, the Hype Train exists. There's only one real Hype Train, it's located only in Europe. Engine 49 was given the codename "Hype Train" by the general public because it runs out new products to individual business districts throughout the country and also takes on passengers. I was onboard this train and headed downtown. On its schedule today it would make many stops as we road on to my destination, including Walls-Emporium and IDEA. A odd looking little boy sat across from me and my trusty briefcase. There was very little seating on the train because it's primary use is to haul shipments to stores. This boy made weird faces and never stopped talking. "Hi mister Cat!" Jebby said. How'd I know his name was Jebby? He told me five times and told me how "I love coal! Coal's my favorite! Mommy says we're going to a coal factory because Santa didn't bring me any coal." He sounded like a genuine brat. He kept on talking, even as I walked into the next train car ahead of me he was talking to himself. It made me wonder if there was something wrong with the lad, besides his creepy love of coal I mean. As I shut the door and looked around the train car I'd just stepped inside, I found crates and cardboard boxes with labels saying Y pad 70. It was the sequel to the super popular Y-Pad 69. Stopping to examine the products I said "WHY?" Then a man wearing a blue stripped fedora and matching suit stepped through the door ahead of me. "Why, I'm glad you asked." He sounded like an infomercial guy. This man's appearance took me by surprise, but I kept my cool, I always do. He approached me, with his nose in the air. "The Y-Pad 69 didn't come with a built in coffee warmer or toaster oven for morning people. Or bug z
apper and pencil sharpener for the office." He stated. "Uh-huh." I rolled my eyes. "Then there's the DVR timer, the golfing membership service, heater and AC. And the email service and the Day planner and X-Ray Vision And the mass load of FREE downloadable apps." He rambled as I leaned up against a crate of Y-Pad's. "Really?" I asked. "Well does it have an E-Reader?" I asked. "Of course." The man answered. "Camera?" I asked. "Y-Pad's have to come with a camera as standard now." The Man answered. "Heh, My Doorway's phone has all that and a laser pointer too. Does it have a laser pointer?" I asked. The strange man looked less confident now. "I didn't think so." I told him as I strutted away with my trusty briefcase.

  I passed quickly through the next few cars to avoid the madness, it seemed in every car there were people trying to hype up their products and get me hyped about them. There were DVD Players, Game Consoles, Games within DVDs, Consoles that could play DVDS, TVS showing mini teasers for upcoming full length trailers for movies I had no desire to see. My head was spinning, But not literally, that'd be gross. I found out who the next character to be announced for the roster in Ultra Crash Siblings is going to be and I didn't even care to know. Then someone showed me a blender that could talk and gave me one FREE to try out. I was dizzy and carrying a blender. So I hid in a supply closet holding onto my new blender and whimpering. "New user? Why are you crying?" The Blender said as it sat in my lap as we sat on the floor. "I am not crying!" I cried. "I just don't know how to handle all of this unnecessary hype, Superior A.I. Blender." I confessed. "I can blend food if you'd like." It told me. "No thanks." I moaned. "Well, In the few months this unit has traveled, I've noticed that the Hype's one weakness is NEGITIVE FEEDBACK." It explained to me. I thought for a moment and then I realized "Negative!? I can be Negative!" I stood up, holding the blender. "Thank You Blender." We walked out of the closet slowly, trying to avoid contact with anyone. Almost instantly a strange looking woman approached me wearing polka-dots . She was holding a sea blue colored coat. "This coat will post to social media for you while you wear it!" She hyped. It was the moment of truth… Showtime! "So." I bluntly showed that I couldn't care less about it. She seemed unprepared for that response, her left eye made a slight twinge but she stood frozen. I didn't care, all that mattered is that it worked! That blender was smart. For the rest of the train ride I was asked to try a coffee maker that spits coffee and said "But it doesn't yodel." They left me alone. Then a new companies 4D TV, I said "It looked better in 2D." Pretty soon all the other passengers on this dumb train left me and my blender alone. That was the first time I ever learned a valuable lesson from a blender. "Being negative can have a positive effect."

  The Tornado House

  After my premier at the kooky comedy lounge my cousin Miranda called me from her new house in Maryland. "I just moved in so I'm throwing a housewarming party. FAMILY only." She told me. After her call I calculated that I could swing by on my way back home to Michigan (They love me there). With the money I earned from the show I was able to get a flight back home and order a Turkey sandwich.

  We landed in Maryland, from there I followed the strange directions left on my cell phone by my cousin via Text Message. I walked five hours in the hot summer sun, climbed up the side of a rocky cliff until I made it to a very remote part of Cunningham Falls State Park. This part was very rocky. Not surprising. You see, my cousin is very paranoid and she's also a nature scientist/professor/doctor thing. So it made sense that she'd want to live out here alone, secluded and surrounded by nature. The text message told me to find the long cable car ride that looked like a lantern, after climbing up higher I could see it clearly.

  Sadly I had no other choice but to ride in the solid glass container across the sharp jagged rocky cliff . I kept looking down, hoping the rickety thing wouldn't fall. After that I climbed up the other cliff and to my astonishment there was a tornado with a little house on it.

  A little red roofed yellow house sitting on top of a swirling active tornado which was placed in an empty chasm. The Tornado didn't move, it just stood still where it was. Well, it did sort-of move towards me. I freaked out but I was too late, it sucked me in and hauled me up. "Mreow!!!!!" I shrieked. It swirled me up and around, I smacked up against small rocks and twigs as I soared higher. After a while of it though, I got bored. I just kept going until… Something reached down from above and pulled me up to the house. It was Miranda. She and me stood on the rock porch up on top of the tilting tornado. "I'm so glad you came!" She cheered. "Your house is on a Tornado!" I exclaimed. "Yes." She said, without any worry in her voice at all for her home's impending doom. "Come inside and I'll explain. I shrugged. Why not, I came this far already. We wobbled to the door and I hung on to the doorknob as we stepped inside. Perfectly normal. All the furniture was nailed down, but the house shook and tilted, it was hard to stand so I sat on the couch. I started sitting on the right side but I slid over to the left and then back to the right as the house tilted back and forth. She was somehow able to stand still and explain her living situation to me as I slipped all over. "I decided to put my house here on a cat-made tornado to keep out unwanted guests and government spies and tax collectors." I tried to tell her: "That's insane!" But I think she thought I meant the good kind of insane not like "Totally wrong" kind of insane. "I know, isn't it amazing!?"

  "So where's all the rest of the guests?" I asked her as I hung on to her living room lamp. "You're the only one I invited." She happily told me the truth. I knew she wouldn't want our entire family to come, Uncle Rexy is a military agent. I sighed that this wasn't much of a house warming party. "I made Turkey burgers." She told me. Now I had a reason to be there. She hauled out a tray and set them on the coffee table in front of the couch. As she went back into the kitchen, I tried to reach one of the burgers from the couch where I hung on for dere life. They were only five inches from my left leg's paw. Just barely out of my grasp. My mouth was salivating as I thought about the taste of the burgers, but the house kept tilting. I tried for the next two hours to eat a single burger. Finally I gave up and pounced at the tray, but as I jumped the room tilted backwards and somehow I landed on the couch I just jumped off of. [I'll never leave this couch] I thought to myself. Miranda set up a game of ping pong in the corner of the living room and wanted me to join her in a game. But because she was paranoid she used cotton balls and fuzzy gloves for paddles. "Come play a round with me." She told me. I used my claws to climb my way across the floor to play ping-pong with her. I clung to the wall and tried to play the game with my feet paws at the same time. This game wasn't very fun, even without the tilting it would still be a dull game because we were playing with fuzzy gloves and cotton balls!

  She would hit the ball and it would flop down on the ground when the house tilted again. This is how the rest of my visit basically went. I'd try to do something like drinking water and I'd have to hold the cup up sideways for the liquid to fall into my mouth without soaking her carpet. Worse than that, I opened the lid to the toilet and I could see the tornado down below. In her bedroom I had to avoid falling stacks of books and metal containers of makeup. Eventually, while flopping around the walls I screamed "How do you live like this!?" And Miranda said "I wear cleats." I knew I had to leave or I'd die in this house. "Well This was fun Miranda but I really must be headed home." I told her. "Awe, leaving already? I was hoping you'd stick around to watch a movie or something." She confessed as I ignored her and climbed the carpet towards the front door, then the house tilted and I smacked up against the door with my face. Then I fell backwards and into the closet around the corner. In the closet I hung on to the entryway for balance. It was dark in the closet. I could hear Miranda calling for me but I couldn't see anything. Then I bumped into a metal box on the wall. I think I pushed some kind of big button or something, because that's when I felt the tilting increase and the shaking become more violent. "Uh-Oh" I admitted my mistake. "No, Charlie! You bumped the control panel!" Miranda came in the closet and shouted. But it was too late. Soon the h
ouse was being pulled apart and We were clinging to one wall, looking at the other rooms floating inside the tornado. "C'mon!" Miranda told me. I followed her closely as she hopped from one broken bits of her home to another. We hopped from the bathroom, to the dining room, to the bedroom, to the living room, to the kitchen. Then we fell out into the tornado "Mreow!" I shrieked again. We kept falling in the twirling debris.

  Soon it got boring. We yawned as we slipped over the roof of the house and then under the flooring of another piece of the house. The tornado seemed to spit us out onto the cliff side. I grabbed onto Miranda and on to the cliff. She shook out her long flowing hair and then we climbed up and got to the top sitting next to the lantern shaped cable car. We watched her house fall apart and the tornado collapse. She whimpered a little. I knew I had to apologize for this. "Hey, I'm sorry about your house." I bluntly told her. "It's fine." She sounded much happier than I thought she was as she faced me. "I think I'll put my next house in a whirlpool."

  I cringed at the thought of that home. That's when I decided I wouldn't be going to that house warming party.

  Coming Home (conclusion)

  As I walked up to my house door after my recent travels around the globe, I got to wondering how Diddy treated my home while I was away. But to be honest, I didn't care. After all I'd been through I was happy to just be coming home. I opened the door and Diddy started barking. After he realized it was me, he stopped though. "Brother!" And he hopped on me "Brother Charlie!". Licking me all over, I was annoyed but I let him do it. I looked around and saw the mess he'd made, food and paper all over the floor. It was insane (but not the good kind of insane). But his eyes were so innocent and I did kind of miss him a little bit. "You're cleaning that up." I mumbled as he hugged me.

  That was the first time I realized that these stories matter, these moments matter. They're memories that shouldn't be forgotten. Sincerely, Charlie The Comedy Cat.