The Nickum

by Doris Davidson

  One Sunday evening, in her Aunt Sophie’s house, she said she had some work to finish and went into her bedroom.

  My Darling Willie,

  I have thought long and hard about writing this letter, but I feel you should know. We should both have realised it was possible, but we were too blinded with love. My dear, I am expecting a baby in about 7 months. I suppose this will be as big a surprise to you as it was to me, and to be honest, I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told my parents yet, not even Auntie Sophie, I’m too scared. I’ve even thought of trying to get rid of it, but I want to know how you feel about that first. It’s rather a cowardly step to take, when all’s said and done.

  I don’t mind waiting for you to marry me when the war is over, as long as I know you still want to, so if you will please write back as soon as you can, I’ll let things take their course. I don’t know how my mother would take the news, but I’m sure my father will hit the roof. I do think, however, that I could possibly talk Sophie round to let me have it here. You know how good-hearted she is. Anyway, don’t worry, I promise to look after myself properly, and I’ll do whatever you want as far as the baby is concerned. I think you’ll know what I mean. Just let me know what you think.

  Yours with all my love and kisses.

  Millie. XXXXXXXXXX

  Laying down her fountain pen, she leaned back with a sigh. That was all she could do until he answered, as long as he answered in time. If an abortion was called for, it would have to be done before a certain number of weeks had gone by; she didn’t know how many.

  Another month sped past without any word from Willie, and, so worried by the delay, Millie confessed to Sophie. The cheery smile was wiped off her aunt’s face, to be replaced with deep concern. ‘You haven’t been taking up with any other boys?’ she asked.

  Millie didn’t have to ask what her aunt meant. ‘No, it’s Willie’s. I’m afraid we misbehaved last time he was home and I’m scared to tell Mum. You know how Dad is.’

  Sophie pulled a face. ‘Yes, my love, I know my own brother. A genuine, liberal man with a vile temper when he is roused. He is old-fashioned in his views, Victorian even, and I don’t envy you your task, but you will definitely have to tell him. He may surprise you, for he loves you with a deep, abiding love.’

  Millie heaved a long sigh. ‘Which means he’ll be disappointed in me, and end up hating me with a deep, abiding hate.’

  ‘No, my dear, I don’t think so. He’ll be hurt at first, disappointed that you have gone against his teachings, but he will come round. I’m sure of that.’

  ‘So you’re advising me to go home on Friday and tell them?’

  ‘Yes – but it just came to me, Millie. Does Willie know?’

  ‘I did write to him, but he hasn’t answered yet.’

  ‘He’ll be in the midst of all this fighting that’s going on – North Africa or the Middle East, or something. He won’t have had time to write. Don’t wait any longer, dear.’

  The lines on her aunt’s cheery face stopped Millie from asking if she could have her baby at the Spital, and she decided to throw herself on Willie’s mother’s mercy. Surely she’d be glad to help her grandchild to be born, even if the maternal grandfather refused to have anything to do with it.

  Emily felt herself to be in the deepest quandary ever. The rumours that Millie Meldrum was in the family way were spreading like wildfire, and even Beenie Middleton had said to her yesterday, ‘You maybe werena fancyin’ bein’ a granny yet, but I dinna think it’ll be that lang.’ Worse still, she’d seen the girl herself last Saturday from a distance, and there was no doubt about it.

  Damn Willie! She thought he’d settled down after he got serious about Millie, and especially now he was in the Gordons, but he’d still been up to his old capers; only this time it wasn’t just himself he’d landed in a fix. Poor lassie. Her father would go mad at her, maybe throw her out, and where would she go? Jake would have to be told about it whatever happened, and he’d be as angry as Mr Meldrum – there was no getting away from that – but what could he do? Nothing, as far as his wife could see. He wasn’t involved in disciplining his son now; that would be the Gordon Highlanders’ job, or the War Office.

  Whatever, Willie was in for a rude awakening. Dismissed from his regiment? Clapped in irons and locked away for years? She might never see him again. Did she want to see him again, anyway? He’d been the bane of her existence ever since he was born; a ‘wee nickum’ when he was still a toddler, but a disobedient rebel when he got older. My God, if he managed to get home after this got out, she would …

  Lost in searching for a fitting punishment for her wayward son, Emily was startled by a timid knock. Positive that it was Willie, thrown out of the army, she stamped to the door and threw it open, to be completely taken aback at the sight of the pregnant young girl. ‘Millie Meldrum.’ She could think of nothing else to say.

  ‘Can I come in, please, Mrs Fowlie? I’ve something to tell you.’

  Emily stood back to let her pass, frantically trying to make up her mind what to do. Fortunately, the decision was taken out of her hands.

  ‘I suppose you know?’ Millie didn’t waste time.

  ‘Aye.’ But the woman couldn’t help adding, ‘The whole of Burnton must know by this time.’

  ‘I wondered if Willie had written and told you?’

  ‘I haven’t heard from Willie for weeks, and that was just a stupid card. All he had to do was tick some boxes.

  Millie’s face fell. That’s the same as I got. I did write when I was sure about … but he surely hasn’t got that letter.’

  Emily’s fluctuating emotions suddenly took up a proper stance. This poor girl was at her wits’ end, that was quite clear. Like enough her mother and father had been furious when she told them, and she had come here for at least a little comfort. It hadn’t been Millie’s fault. It had definitely been Willie’s fault, but surely to God he hadn’t taken her against her will? He would never have done anything like that … would he? ‘Sit down, Millie. We’ll have a cup of tea.’

  Although this was their first actual meeting, they talked for a long time, Millie first explaining how she was as much to blame for her condition as Willie was, which made Emily open her heart to her. Even though she was the daughter of a headmaster, she wasn’t afraid to tell the truth, however badly it reflected on her.

  ‘You see, Mrs Fowlie, I love him. I truly love him, from the first day I saw him, when we were still at my father’s school. I don’t think he felt the same about me until we were older, though, and then, of course, we ended up at University together, and lived with my Auntie Sophie before he volunteered.’

  ‘You’d been devastated when he did that, I suppose.’

  ‘I was at first, but when he told me about his friend being killed and why he had joined up, I could understand.’

  ‘Poopie,’ murmured Emily, her throat contracting at the memory of the little boy who had been constantly in her house. ‘I don’t think Willie’s got over that yet.’ So their conversation carried on, with Emily laying out her own feelings towards her son. ‘He was a great annoyance to me,’ she admitted after relaying several of the scrapes he had got into. ‘I could only see him as a bad boy, though Jake kept telling me most boys were the same. But I still can’t excuse him. Look what he’s done now. He was old enough to know what it could lead to.’

  ‘But I knew what it would lead to, as well,’ Millie admitted. ‘I wanted it to happen. I thought it would be the only way to get him to marry me.’

  Emily’s imagination stalled at the thought of Willie being a married man. It just didn’t bear thinking about, and as for him being a father … ‘Look, Millie,’ she murmured, after a few moments, ‘have you told your own parents yet?’

  ‘I’ve the feeling that Dad’ll throw me out, and I wanted to have somewhere up my sleeve where I could go. Please understand I’m not forcing you into anything. If you don’t want to take me in, just say so.’

  The older
woman’s thoughts were now in such turmoil that she didn’t know how she felt about it. ‘I’ll have to ask Jake,’ she murmured, procastinating.

  ‘Oh yes, of course. That’s all right.’

  ‘But I think you should go home and tell your mother and father right now. It’s not right to keep such a secret from them, and anyway, I’m sure your mother must know by now.’

  ‘You think so? She’s never said anything to me, and she can’t have told Dad otherwise he’d have been reading me the riot act. Auntie Sophie says he’s as strict as any Victorian father.’

  ‘Even so, it’s your duty to tell him.’

  ‘And face up to the consequences?’

  ‘They maybe won’t be as bad as you think.’

  They said goodbye at the door, and Emily went inside to go over what had been said. She knew how Millie must be feeling at telling her father, because she was terrified at the thought of telling Jake. He wouldn’t think twice about leathering Willie when he came home, even at the age of twenty-two. And now she had time to think about it, if she got hold of him herself, she would give him a real hot backside. She couldn’t give him the clip on the ear she used to give him; he was much taller now than she was.

  As Emily had suspected, Millie found that Margaret Meldrum was already aware of her daughter’s condition, so it was only Herbert’s reaction that they waited for, fearful and trembling. Millie broached the subject as soon as he came in from school.

  ‘Dad, I was scared to tell you before, but … I’m expecting a baby.’

  His face gave nothing away. ‘Couldn’t you have let me sit down first?’

  ‘I’m sorry, and I know it must be a shock, but I want to know …’

  ‘It’s not so much a shock as you may think, Millicent. I am not blind, and when my daughter’s waistline thickens to such an extent that she has to wear one of her mother’s old skirts …’

  ‘Oh, Dad, I didn’t think you’d notice.’

  Margaret seemed stunned. ‘I didn’t notice that.’

  Millie looked expectantly at her father. ‘What are you going to say about it, then? Are you angry?’

  ‘Of course I am angry. What will William Fowlie do next to undermine my family? Not only has he filled my daughter’s belly, he has ruined your chances of getting on with your career, and he will not be here to support you when you give birth. He has never behaved in a really responsible manner. I could overlook his faults before, because of his outstanding brain, but this … this is deplorable.’

  ‘But Herbert …’ Margaret began. Ignoring the slight interruption, he went on.

  ‘He should have known better.’

  ‘I wanted to have his baby,’ Millie burst out. ‘I made him do it.’

  ‘Then you, too, were old enough to know better.’ He briefly pondered over his next move and then said, ‘Are you sure the child is his?’

  Both women gasped at this, followed immediately by Millie spitting out, ‘That’s a horrible thing to say. You’re accusing me of taking up with someone else?’

  ‘I did not say that.’

  ‘It’s what you meant, though, and if that’s what you think of me, I’d be as well leaving right now.’

  Her heaving bosom and flaring nostrils warned him that he had gone too far, but before he could make reparation, his wife soothed, ‘Calm down, the pair of you. There was no need for that, Herbert, and no need for you to think of leaving, Millie. Whatever your father thinks or says, this is your home, and this is where you will have your child.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’ The girl was so overcome with relief, swamping her so quickly after her hopes had been dashed, that she swung round and ran upstairs to her room. Husband and wife looked at each other; he still seething with anger and bitter disillusionment over his daughter’s immoral behaviour, as he saw it; she disgusted at his handling of the situation.

  ‘How could you, Herbert?’ she spat out. ‘Your own daughter! Yes, I know she’s done wrong, but it’s done and nothing can undo it.’ She paused for a moment. ‘Or were you intending to order her to have a termination?’

  He glared back at her. ‘It would be the best thing all round, would it not?’

  ‘Best for who? Only you; not Millie, and certainly not me. I am longing to have a grandchild.’

  His scowl did not lessen, but Margaret could detect a frisson of doubt in his voice as he said, ‘In spite of the gossip and rumours such a thing will cause?’

  ‘Gossip and rumours don’t mean anything. As we used to say when we were children, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” If they are miscalling us, they are leaving some other poor souls alone. In any case, you’ve never worried before about what people said about you. Or is your skin not thick enough nowadays to shrug it off?’

  ‘Margaret,’ he sighed, ‘what am I going to do with you? Your only child is going to produce an illegitimate child in a few months, yet it does not seem to have bothered you at all.’

  ‘No, no, don’t think that – not for one minute. It’s just that, being a mother, a woman, I can tell fairly early when a girl is pregnant, so I have had some time to come to terms with it.’

  ‘You knew? And you didn’t tell me?’

  ‘I knew how you would react. Normally, you are a decent, easy-going, gentle man, but if anything riles you, you can be like a raging lion. We are not living in Victorian times, Herbert, and although I know there is still much stigma attached to an unmarried girl having a child, it is not as much of a disgrace as it used to be when we were young. And I can bet that in years to come – maybe fifty or even less – it will not be regarded as a disgrace at all. It will be as normal as …’

  ‘Apple pie?’ Their eyes locking, they burst out laughing, the tension of the previous few minutes making them see this as far more humorous than it actually was.

  Both Emily and Millie were growing really worried. It was three months since Willie had gone overseas, and they still had no idea where he was. ‘Does it matter?’ Jake asked his wife. ‘Wherever he is, he’ll be in the thick of the fighting – the Middle East maybe, or the Far East. There hasna been ony troops got into Germany since Dunkirk.’

  Emily regarded him with a jaundiced eye. ‘Some comfort that is. He’s in as much danger from the Arabs or the Japs as he’d be if he was in Germany.’

  Somewhat shamefacedly, Jake nodded. ‘Aye, I’m sorry, Em. I wasna thinkin’.’

  ‘He hasn’t written a proper letter since he was recalled. Just that silly cards.’

  ‘They’re meant to let the folk back hame ken they’re a’ richt.’

  ‘How could he be well enough, if all he can manage to do is put a tick here and there and sign his name? That doesn’t tell anybody anything.’

  She voiced a different opinion when Millie Meldrum came to see her again, obviously pleading for reassurance. ‘He’ll be kept busy wherever he is, maybe nowhere near the enemy at all. It’ll be a different kind of countryside from Scotland, or even England, or Ireland or Wales, and they’ll have to learn all about it.’

  Millie’s sigh was not of conviction. ‘I suppose so. But it’s just … He should have got my letter by this time, though, shouldn’t he?’

  ‘The letter telling him about the baby?’

  ‘Yes, and you’d think he’d answer it as soon as he could. I want to know what he thinks. I have to know, Mrs Fowlie, or else I won’t be able to plan what to do.’

  Afraid to ask what the girl thought were her options, Emily wisely said nothing, and Millie went on, ‘It’s too late for an abortion.’

  ‘You weren’t really thinking of doing that, were you?’

  ‘Not really. My father wanted me to, at first, anyway, but Mum talked him round. No, what I meant was – who’s going to look after it? I’ll have to earn my living to provide for it – I’m not going to give Dad any reason to think he’ll have to support us – so thank goodness I’ll have my degree behind me.’

  ‘You’re going to carry on studying, t
hen?’

  ‘I don’t see why I shouldn’t. Nobody’s said anything, so far, and they must know – I’m as fat as one of Johnny McIntyre’s pigs.’

  They both laughed, although Emily couldn’t help but feel sorry for her, as well as harbouring deep resentment that her own son had been so careless, so headstrong, that he couldn’t control his passions. Of course, he never considered other folk’s feelings, always acting on impulse. But this was no childish prank. He was a grown man, not the wee nickum he had once been. He had definitely developed into the devil incarnate she had suspected him of being. Thank heaven Gramma Fowler had died before this disgrace overtook the family.

  There was an air of resentment among the Gordon Highlanders now. As one well-built lad from Nairn commented, ‘How the hell could they mislay sack loads o’ mail? My God, a letter frae hame’s what keeps us goin’, so how do they expect us to knuckle down to their bloody rules when we dinna ken what’s goin’ on?’

  A low murmur of agreement went round his listeners, then another voice said, ‘What if they’ve lost the mail that’s supposed to go out? Our folkses’ll think we’ve been killed, or something, an’ they’ll stop writing.’

  Willie turned to his friend. ‘It’s months since I’d a letter from Millie. I hope she’s OK.’ Although he was also anxious to know if his action on that last night had had any repercussions, he did not mention it.

  May 1943 saw the most vicious part of the battle so far, and, because all radio links had been destroyed, Willie, having volunteered to replace a wounded despatch rider, was sent to Headquarters with an urgent request for reinforcements. Coming back, the urgency off him, his mind turned to thoughts of his girlfriend. He’d been bloody stupid to stay away from her. She couldn’t possibly have understood his reasons and must despise him by now. Well, he would write to her as soon as he could and tell her how much he loved her, and that he still meant to keep the promise he had made to marry her after the war. Or if he was lucky enough to get home leave before that, he’d take the plunge then.