One Desire

by Rice, Rachel E.

  He stayed in the bedroom pacing back and forward on the wood flooring. I could hear the creaks of the old floor. When he walked into the bathroom, I turned off the shower. Brandon stood naked waiting for me outside the door. I opened the door.

  “Kiss me,” he said in a low desperate voice. He held my face in his large hands. “Tell me you love me no matter what.”

  I looked at him and said what I felt. “I love you no matter what.”

  “Tell me that you want to be with me even…” He couldn’t bring himself to complete the sentence because he knew that it was a selfish act on his part. So I completed it for him.

  “I want to be with you even if you’re married,” I confessed. Maybe I spoke to soon and that wasn’t what he wanted to tell me. I could kick myself because I gave him a way out. He didn’t have to tell me anything. I had committed myself to him even if he married someone else. A peace came over him and he was no longer the worried young man that allowed his carefree life to be torn apart. I saw it in his face—his eyes brighten, his closed mouth turned upward into a smile. I had agreed to be with him and love him even if he married. And that was what he planned to do on Saturday because he had made a promise to Angela and her family. I didn’t need to know her name. Knowing her name would make her real.

  I hoped he would break his promise but he was a man of his word.

  I was eighteen, impressionable, stupid, and in love. I thought that I could change our future because of my love for Brandon Charles. And I did—mine.

  Chapter 7

  He gave a slight wave to his mother and she gazed up with narrow eyes and then climbed into the limo. Her driver shut Nora’s door, then he entered the car and got situated in the driver’s seat, and taking his place behind the wheel he drove off. Brandon and I heard the motor, and he walked through the patio doors on to the veranda, and he walked around to the front of the house watching the limo disappear. He returned with a frown on his handsome face. He stood in silence looking at me and rubbing his chin. A day old beard had begun to show. “I have to shower and shave,” he said casually. He ambled into the bathroom without saying any more.

  His mother left as she had come—quiet and without fan fair. Her black limo and her driver leaving us to what—me staring into the Atlantic Ocean wanting something that will never be.

  We spent our nights in those chairs after we made love. We sat dreaming and discussing a future together, taking in the full moon. I sat on his lap cradled in his strong arms gazing lovingly into his face with one desire—to have him fall in love with me and never leave me.

  I headed out of the patio doors to sit in a rocker and think about my life. There was an old faded white rocker with paint peeling but the cushions were soft and new. I enjoyed the comforting feeling that it brought me. I sat to think about and piece together the conversation I heard when Brandon argued with his mother.

  It was like a puzzle. I knew nothing of him to be able to put the pieces together. What did she mean by have you told her? What was more important than telling me he was getting married? Which he did. I tried to figure out what it could be but it was all guesses. What if I guessed wrong?

  Brandon walked from the shower with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist. I wanted to make love to him to convince him not to go. My mind said if I did something he liked he wouldn’t marry Angela. I could tell he liked oral sex. It was the way he closed his eyes and his mouth slightly opened and he moaned in my ear when I stroked his penis.

  Time ran out. It was too late now to hold him with sex. Besides, I couldn’t if I wanted to. I didn’t know enough.

  In less than a week we became lovers. In less than a week the old me had died and I was no longer daddy’s little girl, but a woman who desired a man, who would hold me in his arms and make love to me, when he couldn’t love his wife. And that man was Brandon.

  When I saw him next, he was standing fully dressed in front of me. He had on a pair of expensive jeans and a white shirt rolled up on each sleeve where I saw an expensive watch. I didn’t know how much a watch like that would cost and I wasn’t willing to guess. All I knew about was two hundred dollar watches and they were shining and ostentatious. But this watch was large without being showy. He kept looking down to check the time.

  Then I spotted a black limousine pull up and the same driver arrived. I looked at him and he didn’t say a word. Brandon leaned down to kiss me. His lips brushed my lips and I jumped to my feet. “Take me with you.” I sounded desperate. I didn’t think I would see him again.

  “Stay here until tomorrow. I’ll be back tonight.”

  “What’s going on? Is something wrong?” I queried in desperation. He turned to walk back into the cottage. I followed behind him hoping for another kiss. When he reached the door he turned and I looped my arms around his neck and he kissed me with passion. His breathing shallow and intense when he broke away and left me standing there.

  He whispered, “I’ll be back tonight, princess.” His eyes and how he looked at me, pierced my heart and body, made me believe him.

  I ran opened the patio doors and stood holding on to the wood railing with my hands griping it. He looked up then stepped in the car and disappeared behind the dark tinted windows. The driver whom I had never been introduced to shot me a fatalistic stare. He stood for a few minutes before he entered the car, and I thought I saw him shake his head.

  I sat on the porch until dawn waiting for him to return. When I couldn’t take it anymore I walked into the house and breakfast was prepared for two people. He hadn’t spoken to the house keeper and as clockwork she prepared everything and left without being seen. She even made the bed. I wondered if she saw me sitting outside in the chill of the air waiting on Brandon who had abandoned me.

  ***

  Today was Saturday, Brandon’s wedding day, and silly me waited for him to call. I waited for someone to show, anyone who would tell me something. I guessed all interested parties were in attendance at the wedding, or preparing for the wedding.

  Finally, I got the message I had been waiting for. No one cared about me. No one knew that I was in love with Brandon and that Brandon was in love with me—not even me. But how could he be in love. He left me out here all alone. I remembered that Chris had given me one of her smartphones. I rushed to find my purse, and in it was the phone. I hoped I could get a signal and better yet I was hoping that the battery wasn’t dead.

  “Chris. Chris. It’s me.”

  “Tyler? Where the fuck have you been? I’ve been trying to reach you. I guess you haven’t checked your messages, I left a ton of them.”

  “I’ve been here with Brandon.”

  “I know but that’s not good. His fiancé called around looking for him. It seems he has been missing in action since Friday. Friday was his bachelor’s party.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “You sound sad. Don’t tell me you fell for him for Christ sake,” she said.

  “Don’t yell but I’m in love with him,” I said with tears pooling in my eyes.

  “Don’t start to cry. It’s my fault. I regret taking you there. And I regret introducing you to him. He has a terrible reputation with girls like you.”

  “What, poor and stupid.”

  “No. Don’t rag on yourself you’re not even close to stupid. He likes girls young. Eighteen is his thing.”

  “I need your help again. I have to talk fast because the battery is low and I don’t have a charger. Can you arrange to have a taxi pick me up and take me to the nearest airport? I’m broke and I can’t pay for a plane ticket and the cab fare. I don’t know how far this place is from the main airport because we came on his private jet. I’ll pay you back every cent.”

  “Don’t worry about that. It’s my fault.”

  “No. I have to pay you.”

  “Ok. If it makes you feel better. You don’t have to worry. I’ll get you home. Just wait until I lay eyes on him.”

  “Are you invited to the wedding?” I asked. />
  “Yes. Patrick and I are headed there now,” she said to me.

  “I don’t want you to say anything to him. I’m a big girl. I can handle it,” I said trying to control my tears which were falling like an open faucet.

  ***

  Christina paid my travel expenses which came to over three thousand dollars. I reached home when my parents were asleep. Using my key, I opened the door, and all was quiet. The lights were off to save on the electricity bills. My father tried to save money on everything except his Sunday morning paper.

  That Sunday morning after Brandon’s wedding, I woke at six, put coffee on for my parents and rushed out to get the paper. My hands shaking as I opened the paper. There was a picture of the beautiful couple. I thumbed inside to see a detail account of the marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Brandon Charles.

  A picture of their home and where they would honeymoon was detailed.

  I threw the magazine down and tried to tear it page by page, when my father came in the kitchen and reached for it. “What did that paper ever do to you?” he said smiling and half amused at seeing me trying to rip the paper apart.

  “Here’s your coffee,” I said. I handed him a cup and he glanced at me and drank a sip. “Where’s mom?” I asked.

  “She’s not feeling well.” His brow creased.

  “I’m going up to see her,” I said placing my coffee down on the cabinet. A cabinet that my father promised my mother years ago that if he had spare change, he would buy her a new kitchen with a granite counter top, stainless steel refrigerator, stove and microwave oven. The works. But he was sixty-eight and jobs for a man his age was hard to come by.

  “No,” he said taking my arm. “Let her sleep. We need to talk.”

  “What about?” I said trying for my good girl persona that had been diminished by my lack of control and sleeping with Brandon.

  “I know you’re an adult now. But be careful. You can ruin your whole life with one indiscretion.” He didn’t know I had already thrown caution to the wind and stepped in quicksand and I was drowning. Drowning in jealousy, lust, and need. I needed the arms and love of the first man I gave myself to and I was now officially dead.

  Here lies Tyler Burns a good girl. Dead at eighteen because she fell in love.

  “Don’t worry dad, I’ll be careful.” I saw a spark of light come into his tired gray eyes. He had fallen for my lie. I hated lying to him. He could always see through the lies when I was a child and teenager. He kept me safe by knowing when I was lying to him and when I wanted to do some of the things girls were doing at my age. Like drinking and staying out all night. Even sneaking in boys in the middle of the night when their parents were asleep.

  I think he felt he had done a good job just to get me to this age without being pregnant. He did a great job and I was grateful for his leadership, but I had grown up and he didn’t even know. I had stepped out into the precipice of life and I had jumped.

  Feeling a sense of accomplishment, my father kissed me on my cheek. “Now what college are you going to attend? You have all kinds of offers for full scholarship at prestigious universities. As a business and finance major you can write your own ticket.”

  “I’m going to New York to Columbia University, but first I need to get a job. You and mom need help. I can take the train home in the evenings.” A wave of concern and relief washed across his face but he didn’t say a word. He couldn’t afford to contribute to my education, he needed help too. “If it’s too late for me to come home, I can stay with Chris. Her family has a loft on the east side and they would be happy if she and I roomed together.”

  “You know how I feel about Christina. But you’re an adult and you can make your own decisions.” He sighed. That was a big compromise for him. “Mom and I will not be around always to guide you.”

  “Ah dad. You’re still a young man,” I said holding his hand. “Sixties is not old you’re in your prime. Eighty is old.” He appeared to be delighted at that statement. He smiled, he straightened his shoulders and lifted his head, stood and walked to the stove with a spring in his step.

  He took a deep breath and said, “I need to get your mother’s breakfast.” He walked to the fridge opened the door with his back to me and said, “Someone called this morning.”

  “Who?”

  “It was a man.” I glanced at him. “A young man named Brandon.” I stood glued to a spot on the worn linoleum floor. Afraid to raise my head and meet my father’s glances less he find out my secret.

  “What did you tell him?”

  “That you were sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb you.”

  “Did he say anymore?”

  “No.” My father turned looking at me as my eyes were glued to the spot on the floor that I didn’t want to leave, or couldn’t leave because I thought that I would die. He continued, “He didn’t sound like the usual boys that asked you out to a movie. You know, that cocky boy, the one with nothing on his mind but one thing. I saw through him,” he said with a small smile, “That’s why I drove you to the movies and waited for you, remember.”

  “I know daddy that was Sean.” We both laughed at the same time. “He wasn’t expecting you to drive us to the movies.”

  “This boy or should I say man had this refined speech and he was very respectful, except for the early morning call. I like him,” he said and then he reached for the tea pot in the cabinet.

  “Yes. He is respectful,” I agreed. Until he gets what he wants, I thought. “If he calls back, tell him I’m not here.”

  My father didn’t understand my behavior. I wasn’t acting like his little girl and I could see the curious glances and furrowed brow that indicated that something was wrong.

  My heart fluttered and then I became angry. I rushed from the kitchen, opened my mother’s door to see her quietly sleeping. Closing her bedroom door, I rushed to my room holding on to the last bit of myself, angry at Brandon, I cried. I know I had agreed to be his lady in waiting. Waiting for him to meet me when he had time. But the minute I arrived home, I came from under the spell of that remote cottage on the beach.

  Chapter 8

  Five Years Later

  My father came home early in the morning from his part-time job to check on my mother. He discovered her slumped forward in her chair near her bed in front of the television. My mother took sick and died just like that. One minute she was laughing with me and my father and the next minute she fell asleep in front of the television watching her favorite show and that was the end of her life. Just like that she left me alone. Alone to figure out the world on my own.

  I had planned on moving in with Chris in my last year of school but I had to see to my father. He fell into deep depression. I couldn’t afford to feel sorry for myself because I had obligations which consumed most of my time. I made plans for tears and regrets later at a later date.

  Finally I graduated. It had been four long hard years but I managed and I had job prospects in the banking industry. Nevertheless, I held down a waitress job at a fancy restaurant in downtown Manhattan. Most of the Wall Street crowd congregated at this restaurant which was lodged in the Millennium Hotel. When it became impossible to make it out of the city on weekends and snow days, they stayed in this high-end fancy hotel, filled with restaurants, exclusive shops, and bars. This hotel chain was owned by the Blackstone Corporation, which had several investors who remained anonymous.

  Some guests stayed because of business meetings and too many drinks, some took residence in the Millennium because they were kicked out of their homes by their wives. In between taking orders, listening to the men sob stories, I took their business cards and e-mailed my resume to their offices.

  It was one such night that the restaurant was full and I arrived for work a few minutes late.

  Finally I separated from that five day love affair with Brandon. I hadn’t thought of him in a month. Five years and still my heart danced at the sound of his voice playing around in my head like a song that I couldn’t forge
t. It was about time, I thought.

  I rushed to my station with a table of four and I heard, “Ms. We will have a round of drinks and your best Champagne.” There was loud laughter coming from the four sitting at the table. I stood before the table waiting for the laughter to die down. Seated before me were two couples. They kept their heads down and their menus high in front of them.

  Hungry people almost never notice the waiter or waitress. They are a means to an end. Just a fixture in a restaurant like a lobster in a tank. Until you have to make a choice to eat them.

  “Bring us four shots of bourbon and keep them coming until I say stop. And bring the ladies Champaign. Your best.” My breath ceased and my head felt light. It was Brandon ordering the drinks. The four of them sitting in a booth happy sharing a joke. Two young women in the middle, and the two men on the outside. The atmosphere of the restaurant loud but discreet. There were small lights with shades to mask the makeup that some women wore to make them look younger, or younger women wore to disguise their not so perfect features, or that they were too young for alcoholic drinks.

  I placed the order with my I Pad, which the restaurant provided. The owner of the hotel wanted to cut down on the time and mistakes. “Your drinks will be right out,” I said disguising my voice. At the sound of my voice, Brandon dropped the menu and his head snapped up. Our eyes met. The arousal in my body was intense. His incredible handsome face heated my core.

  My feelings for him I thought were loss came back in full force. These sad and happy tormenting feelings lay dormant for five years. I couldn’t believe how long it had been since I laid in his arms. Had it been that long? Yes, I’m now twenty-two and he is a matured man of twenty-seven. The woman at his side with his arms about her was about eighteen or nineteen, my age when I first fell in love with him. It couldn’t be his wife. Otherwise she would have had to been about fourteen or fifteen when they married.

  I held his gaze for a moment, and then I turned and walked away from the table.

  Relief played with me a short time. I thought he did me a favor when he didn’t come back to the cottage. I couldn’t stop thinking that perhaps Brandon and his friend were too old for these two. I wondered if the girls’ parents knew what they were planning for the weekend. I know mine didn’t.