Darkest Before Dawn

by Maya Banks

  “How could you possibly think I didn’t?” he asked incredulously.

  She rolled her eyes. “Well of course in the beginning I thought just that. But, gee, if someone had troubled himself to tell me what really happened when you let me believe you were flying me to give me to ANE—something else I’m extremely pissed about, by the way—neither of us would have suffered for the last several months.”

  “I lied to you. I drugged you, something I swore I would never do again. And I failed you, Honor. I let that bastard get to you and he tortured you for days before I could find you.”

  “Did it ever occur to you even once to tell me what happened and allow me the luxury of deciding whether you betrayed me or not? Instead, you played judge and jury for me. You were so convinced that you had done exactly those things that you decided for me that I was never going to know. That is the only thing I’m angry with you over. Well, not even angry, but hurt. You hurt me, Guy,” she said painfully. “For five long months I hurt. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. It’s the God’s truth, I wanted to die. I gave up. I didn’t want to live without you. Can’t you understand that?”

  Her voice was pleading. Precariously close to begging, but God, she had no pride whatsoever when it came to this man. She’d crawl if she had to. Anything to make him come back to her. To love her as much as she loved him.

  He stared at her with those haunted eyes, and he clearly had no idea how to respond. He was so assured of his guilt that no, it hadn’t occurred to him to give her the choice of judgment.

  He simply ran his hands over her face, her lips, her neck, shoulders, over and over as if he really didn’t believe she was here.

  “You hate me,” he whispered in a tortured voice. “God, I hate myself.”

  “Look at me, Guy,” she said tenderly. “See me.”

  He stared into her eyes for what seemed an eternity before it seemed to register with him. There was no hatred there. No fear. No sense of betrayal or hurt. Only love. And tenderness, compassion and a vow to always protect him. That he’d always be safe with her. His heart would always be safe with her.

  “I don’t hate you. I love you,” she whispered fiercely. “I love you. And you don’t get to decide for me. You don’t get to tell me that I don’t love you. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you.”

  Thin rivulets trickled down his cheeks. His nostrils flared with every inhale as if he fought a vicious battle for control, not to completely break down.

  She framed his beloved face in her palms and looked directly into his eyes.

  “Now, listen to me, Guy, because this is important. It’s everything. Do not interrupt me until I am finished. Do you understand?”

  He gave a chopped nod, and she pondered whether her telling him not to interrupt was even necessary. He wasn’t capable of saying a thing at the moment. He was simply too overcome.

  “Now, if you walked away from me because you don’t want me and you don’t love me, then I have to accept that.”

  He made a strangled noise in his throat, and she shot him a warning look, reminding him of his promise. But he didn’t look happy at all. He looked pissed, fire blazing in his eyes.

  Good, she thought savagely. She’d take his anger and rage over the soulless look in his eyes any day of the week.

  “However, if you walked away from me because you thought I hated you, because you truly believed you betrayed me, lied to me and felt you weren’t worthy of me, then I won’t accept that,” she said fiercely. “Because it’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit. And I will not throw away the best thing in my life because he’s decided he’s committed an unpardonable sin against someone who has already forgiven him.”

  “Are you finished?” he demanded.

  She nodded.

  “Good. Because I fucking love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being in my life. You aren’t just the world, Honor Cambridge. You’re my world. My entire reason for living. Walk away from you because I don’t want you or love you? I walked away because you deserve better than me. Because you deserve a man who won’t fail to protect you and allow you to be nearly raped and then tortured. And I’m not that man,” he said in a savage voice.

  “Yes,” she said calmly. “You are.”

  Despair crept once more into his eyes.

  “You have no idea what kind of life you’d have to live if you were with me. Because of the fact that I’ve accumulated more enemies over the years than the very monsters I’ve worked to take down, you would always be a target. You are my greatest weakness, and everyone in the goddamn world would know it and try to hurt me by getting to you. And they would hurt you. They’ve already hurt you,” he said in a tortured voice. “And I couldn’t bear it, Honor. I couldn’t live with myself if I lost you.”

  “I’m glad you’re such a badass then,” she said lightly. “You’ll never, never let anyone hurt me.”

  Guy closed his eyes, his fingers clenching into tight balls.

  “Your trust in me staggers me. It humbles me when you have no reason to trust anything I say do or promise. But, Honor, the danger . . . that’s only part of. I’m a man who demands and expects complete control. In every aspect. As my woman, I would dominate you. I’d know your every movement. I’d expect you to check in with me anytime you so much as went to the grocery store.”

  He lifted one hand to run it raggedly over his head.

  “I’m demanding sexually. I don’t give up control in any aspect of my life, baby,” he said in an aching voice, as though he were admitting to murder. “I can’t. Control has been ingrained in me my entire life. I’ve been trained to always be in control of every aspect of every situation. How long do you think it would take before you began to feel smothered? How long would it take for me to kill the thing that sets you so far apart from the rest of the world? Your smile, your sunshine, your kindness and generosity. I would smother you, Honor. And eventually I would destroy you.”

  She laughed, her smile wide as she took in his utter bewilderment at her reaction to his painful admission.

  She held up her fingers, ticking off her points on each digit. “Let’s see, first, sexually dominant? I get the shivers thinking about it. I’ve already had a taste of sex with you, Hancock, and any idiot would know that you’re commanding, forceful and dominant as hell. I assure you, I’ll enjoy every moment of your dominance.”

  She pressed another finger. “Second. Your need to know where I am at all times and you going overboard protecting me. Uhm, duh? I’m not an idiot, Guy. I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer and I’ve seen into your world. Quite frankly, I’m not going to want to go anywhere without you, and furthermore, if you want to hire an entire army to protect us, I’m in.”

  She held up the last finger. “Now for the smothering, killing, stifling, destroying. I’m not going to give this much of a response because it doesn’t deserve it.”

  She leaned over and touched his face, lightly pressing her lips to his.

  “The only way you kill any part of me is if you no longer love and want me. If you walk away from me again. That will destroy me. Nothing else.”

  He kissed her back, forceful, hot, scorching, like he was starved for her. And God, she was starved for him. For the last months she’d lived without the other half of her soul. Never did she want to endure that again.

  Then he slipped off the bed, to his knees, reaching for her, pulling her to stand as he knelt before her. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face between her breasts. Hot tears slithered over her skin, each one hurting her, like tiny daggers to her heart.

  “I’m so sorry, Honor,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry. I went crazy those days, dying a little more every hour you were in his hands. It was all I could think about. Knowing he was torturing you and knowing that you thought I had betrayed you by giving you to him. I can’t sleep at night. Even now. Knowing he’s dead. That ANE is gone. That they can’t hurt you. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. Every second I thin
k about how badly I hurt you and all the times I let you down. Please forgive me,” he whispered. “Please give me the chance to prove to you that I will never fail you again. I’ll spend my life making sure you don’t get so much as a scratch. I want to be a good man. For you. I want to be a man you can be proud of.”

  “Oh, my love,” she whispered. “Don’t you understand? I love the man you are. You can’t go changing on me. I won’t love a man you create thinking it’s what I want and need. I need you.”

  She thumbed away the tears on his cheeks, then leaned down to kiss him while her hands framed his face.

  “And I’ve already forgiven you. There’s no need to ask it again.”

  “You gave it without my ever asking,” he said quietly. “I should have been on my knees begging your forgiveness and so I gave that to you, because that is what you deserve, regardless that your generous heart had already forgiven me.”

  When he would have pulled her back to him, she resisted, knowing that at the current angle, he’d have his cheek right over her rounded belly. He glanced up at her, puzzled, a little uncertain.

  She smiled and sat back down on the bed, patting the space beside her. “Come. There’s one last thing we have to discuss.”

  He eased down beside her and frowned because she’d suddenly gone tense and she knew he’d picked up on it. He slipped his hand around hers, lifting it to rest on his thigh as he laced their fingers together.

  “What is it, Honor?”

  “First of all, I wasn’t—am not—deceiving you. I’m merely . . . selfish,” she said with a grimace.

  “You are the least selfish person I know,” he growled.

  She smiled faintly. “It’s just that I had to know . . . I had to know that you wanted me. That you loved me. I didn’t want you to be with me out of obligation. So I didn’t tell you right away. But I’m telling you now.”

  His eyes were worried now. Not angry or apprehensive, as though he thought she’d done some horrible thing. He was worried for her, and she loved him all the more for it.

  “I’m pregnant,” she said softly. “I’m having your baby, Guy. I’m almost five months pregnant.”

  He stared down at her belly in shock and then back up to her face, as if what she was telling him simply didn’t compute.

  “I don’t show unless I wear confining clothing. Hence the baggy attire I chose for this trip. Not even the others know. Only my parents and siblings. I had lost so much weight and was so starved that when I got back home, I was literally skin and bones, so the weight I’ve gained with the pregnancy has merely made it appear as though I regained what I’d lost before.”

  “Show me,” he said, his voice cracking. “Let me see our child. Please.”

  She bunched the hem of her oversized shirt and slowly pulled it upward. Both his hands ever so gently pressed against the mound, his fingers trembling against her skin.

  “Are you all right?” he asked anxiously. “You were so hurt and as you said starved. It can’t be healthy for you to be having a baby.”

  She smiled, wanting to reassure him. “My OB has me on a strict vitamin regimen as well as an eating schedule that my mother enforces like an army general.”

  “Are you happy about it?” he asked, vulnerability creeping into his eyes.

  She let him see the full force of her joy as she smiled back. “Oh yes,” she breathed. “The question is, are you?”

  “Happy?” he asked hoarsely. “I don’t think happy can aptly describe my utter amazement right now. Oh God, Honor, I don’t deserve you or our child. Do you even know how many enemies I have? Do you understand the danger you’re putting yourself and our child in by wanting a life with me?”

  His hands shook even harder, and she laid her palms softly over where his were branded to the swell of her belly.

  “God didn’t forget me,” he said in awe, tears glittering brightly in his eyes as they lifted to hers. “I’m not damned. No man without a soul, a man damned for an eternity, could possibly be given two such precious gifts.”

  Her heart ached for the pain Guy had suffered for so long. For how so very long he’d been truly alone in the world with no anchor to hold him.

  “No, my darling,” she said tenderly. “Indeed you are very blessed. We both are. You’ve now been given a third chance. Tell me. Are you going to take it?”

  “Yes,” he said fiercely. “Hell yes.”

  He fused his mouth to hers in a hot rush. He was rough, nearly animalistic, his hands roaming possessively up and down her body but instantly gentling when they glided over where their child was nestled in her mother’s womb. He drew away, gasping sharply, his eyes glittering like a predator’s.

  “You’ve sealed your fate giving yourself to me twice,” he said gruffly. “I let you go once. I’ll never do it again. So be sure, Honor. Be very sure this is what you want and I’m who you want. Because once you commit to me it’s going to be for goddamn ever.”

  “Well thank you, God,” she said, feigning huge relief. “I mean, what does a girl have to do these days?”

  “Tell me she loves me,” he said, his voice cracking. Her heart nearly broke as insecurity flashed in his eyes. And fear.

  “I love you,” she whispered. “So much. I’ll never love someone as much as I love you.”

  “Thank God,” he breathed, crushing her to him, hanging on to her for dear life. Tears burned his eyes and he didn’t care. He’d found redemption when he despaired of ever seeing the sun again.

  “You’re a miracle,” he said hoarsely. “My sunshine, Honor.”

  “Glad you finally recognize that,” she said with a grin.

  EPILOGUE

  HANCOCK carefully balanced the tray he was holding as he made his way from the kitchen into the living room where Honor was feeding Reece, who was now just over eight months old. He’d taken special care with this morning’s breakfast, artfully—as creative as he was capable of being—arranged, a single yellow rose in a long fluted vase situated beside the plate and a tall glass of apple juice, his wife’s favorite.

  Even after all of these months, he paused at the sight of their son nestled lovingly against his mother’s chest, one of her hands holding the bottle in place while the other tenderly caressed his downy curls. Her expression so achingly beautiful that it never failed to take his breath away.

  She murmured in low tones to Reece, telling him how very much he was loved by his mother and father. And she spoke absolute truth. The sun rose and set at his wife and child’s feet. Every single day he awoke, Honor nestled in his arms. Every night he went to bed sated, after making love to his wife, her sleepy, “I love you” or “I need you so much, Guy” brushing over his ears. It undid him every single time and he whispered a prayer of thanks that he’d found redemption and forgiveness, another chance with the woman he loved more than life.

  The few times he was away from her, he was besieged by the need to return to her as quickly as he could. He wasn’t sure he would ever get over his fear of losing them, of coming home to find them gone. He, of all people, was all too aware of the evil that walked among ordinary people on this earth, and over the years he’d accumulated too many enemies to count.

  It was why they lived as the only inhabitants on this remote island, which was only accessible by boat or helicopter. He’d made a lot of money during his years as a mercenary, fighting the good fight. Money he’d never used. Never had a reason to use. No one to spend it on.

  But now? He had a wife and a son to spoil shamelessly, and he did so on a regular basis, much to Honor’s chagrin. He had to call back the grin at her exasperation and the statement she always gave him. That she had all she could ever want. She didn’t need anything else. But that didn’t mean he paid her any attention. If she so much as hinted, in all her innocence, that she liked something, or he saw her expression when something caught her eye, it was hers.

  Even now he was gleefully anticipating giving his first anniversary gift to her when Reece was put d
own for the night and enduring a sound dressing down for going overboard with his present for her. He did so love to indulge her every whim. He loved making her happy. Her smile made everything worthwhile in his life.

  Sensing his presence, Honor looked up from where she was speaking in loving, low tones to their son, and she smiled, her eyes so full of love that it instilled a fierce ache in his heart. His soul swelled to near bursting if she so much as looked at him. He’d never grow tired of her love for him simmering in her eyes just as he’d always return it in kind.

  “Not that I don’t love you spoiling me so, but what’s this?” she asked in a teasing tone.

  He set the tray on the coffee table in front of her and then slid onto the couch next to her, leaning in to kiss her, cradling his son’s head in his large palm.

  “Don’t tell me you forgot that today is our one year wedding anniversary,” he said with mock ferocity.

  She grinned mischievously. “Nope. I have my own gift as well, but you’ll have to wait a bit. I’m a little busy at the moment.”

  “You loving me is all the gift I’ll ever need,” he said with complete sincerity.

  “Well, that’s easy enough. I do love you, Guy. I’ll always love you. That’s never going to change and I hope you feel the same. But that gift is given every day. Today? I have something extra special for you.”

  “You say the dumbest things sometimes, woman,” he said, his eyes narrowing, but he knew he didn’t look in the least bit annoyed. Honor’s eyes were laughing back at his. “As if I won’t always feel the same,” he huffed. “You are my life, Honor. Without you, I have nothing. Without you, I don’t want to live.”

  Suddenly she lifted her free hand to his face and caressed his clean-shaven jaw, and he couldn’t help himself. Mindful of the precious bundle still feeding, he leaned in and kissed her, tenderly exploring her mouth, absorbing her taste, something he would never grow tired of.

  When he finally pulled away, her cheeks were flushed and desire reflected in her half-lidded warm brown eyes.

  “How much longer before he finishes with his mother and goes down for his nap so his father can steal her for a while?” Hancock said in a voice thick with arousal.

  Other parts of him were just as thick, as heavy, and as aching.

  She laughed. “He only just woke up. He has a few hours yet before naptime.”

  Hancock bit back a curse. If he weren’t such a paranoid, overprotective bastard, he would have taken the numerous offers from his and Honor’s families to keep Reece for an extended anniversary weekend and he would have had Honor all to himself.

  But they rarely left the island. A brief black thought flickered through his mind. Did Honor feel like a prisoner? Never let out and never allowed the freedom to come and go as she pleased? Hancock was a controlling bastard. She never left the island without him. He never left her on the island alone.

  Most women would feel stifled and grow to resent such restrictions, but not Honor. That fact still didn’t prevent him from worrying that one day . . . He shook off the dark thoughts. He wouldn’t go there. Honor had assured him that she loved their life. That she loved him.

  “Will you burp him and then put him in his bouncer for me?”

  Honor’s sweetly worded request broke through his dour thoughts, and he sprang into action, gingerly sliding his large, clumsy hands beneath Reece’s head and diapered bottom, lifting him up to his shoulder so he could pat Reece’s back. A few minutes and several impressive belches later, Hancock laughed and eased the baby into the bouncer that overlooked the sandy beach and sparkling water.

  When he turned back, his wife’s eyes twinkled with merriment, and he sent her his best ferocious glare. It amused her to no end that even now he was still convinced that he was going to drop the baby or crush his tiny little body with hands that had, until now, been used as weapons. For violence, not tenderness. To inflict pain, not offer comfort.

  She patted the space beside her as she repositioned herself on the couch. It was too bad, because her former pose gave him a very good view of her breasts, which were still more rounded. She reached for a plate and handed it to him and then retrieved the other and they sat side by side enjoying the breakfast Hancock had prepared.

  She ate while he simply enjoyed watching her. Watching her never got old.

  God, he loved this woman.

  Honor studied Guy from underneath her eyelashes. Even if she couldn’t feel his heated stare, she’d know he was watching her. He always watched her. In the beginning, she gave herself away by blushing and had even asked him why he was forever staring at her.

  Very seriously, he’d told her that she was the most beautiful thing in his world and that he still had a hard time believing she belonged to him. And she did belong to him in every possible way.

  He’d warned her of his possessiveness. His dominance. His need to control every aspect of his life—their life. And his absolute dedication to keeping her safe at all times. As though that part of his personality would frighten her away. At times, she could feel his restraint. Could feel him holding back because of his fear of driving her away, but she was having none of that and she let him know it very forcefully. She wanted the real Guy or nothing at all.

  It had taken considerable patience on her part, and at times he still needed to be convinced that things he considered faults were things she not only loved but also reveled in. She needed them. She needed him. God, how she needed and loved him with every breath in her body.

  While he worried about her contentment, she worried about his happiness. His life had done a complete 180 in the last year. He no longer lived every day knowing it could be his last, and as crazy as it sounded, she knew he thrived on it. Not because he was an adrenaline junky or enjoyed it. But because he truly wanted to make a difference in the world. Protect the innocent, take out the evil. He thought himself to be an evil man when nothing could be further from the truth.

  And the very people who had formed Titan, for the greater good, had turned on him and his teammates, branding them outcasts and traitors because Guy and his men were no longer willing to do their dirty work for them.