The New Normal

by L. J. Hayward

  Apparently he didn’t keep his anger under wraps as well as he thought he had, because James bristled and visibly worked to hold something back.

  Right then, Brian didn’t care. He still wasn’t okay with James and Elle thinking they had a right to demand this of Andrew. Truthfully, he wasn’t one hundred percent okay that they’d started up so quickly after Andrew and Elle split, and a little bit less okay that they’d got together at all.

  James shook out some of the tension in his body and took a deep breath. “Does Andrew not want to be best man at all? Because that’s all I need. Another fucking mess to do with this wedding.” His tone had started out reasonable but got tenser as he went until he was clenching his jaw and his fists.

  Andrew had told Brian about the racist pastor and the comments from Elle’s family, and he saw the build-up of those things, and the usual wedding stress, in James’s body. So, for James’s peace of mind, he answered honestly. “He really does want to be your best man. You’re one of his best mates, so of course he does.” He sighed helplessly. “And you know he is physically incapable of denying Elle anything.”

  It helped a bit, but not enough to totally relax James’s shoulders. “Yeah, I know. When she and I were discussing it, I told her I’d do the asking and for her to not say anything. I wanted Andrew to say yes because he wanted to do it, not because Elle asked.”

  For the first time, Brian wondered if James was worried about how close Elle and Andrew still were. Normally, James appeared supremely unconcerned by it, but perhaps the accumulated strain was getting to him.

  “I know Andrew best, right?” Brian gripped James’s shoulder reassuringly, waiting until he got a nod. “He’s going to be standing up there for you, not Elle. Okay, a little bit for Elle, but mostly you. You’re happy, so he’s happy. Got that?”

  “Yeah. Thanks.” James looked around, saw Troy and Andrew still comparing shoes, and then gave Brian a bro-hug that went on a little longer than its strict definition usually allowed. “I’m really glad I have you morons in my life, you know?”

  All of his lingering ire fading, Brian snorted. “We morons are happy to have a wanker in our lives too.”

  James laughed and shoved him away.

  When they’d all found appropriate shoes, it was on to the hairdresser to make appointments for a couple of days before the wedding. The woman they were talking to pulled James aside to discuss why his hair was so dry and Troy motioned for Brian to go outside with him.

  “Saw you and James having a moment before. What’s up?”

  “James is worried about the bach party.” Brian punched his shoulder lightly. “Good job on feeding him false information, by the way. He’s worked out your clues already.”

  “He has?” Troy frowned at James, who was in a chair and being chastised by the look of the stern finger being pointed at his head by the hairdresser. Andrew was nodding along with her and trying not to laugh. “Hmm. This one’s wilier than we thought. We might have to step up our game.”

  They discussed ideas for further throwing James off track, then the groom-to-be was released back into the wild with a bag of new shampoo and treatments for his dry hair. James bitched at Troy for not sharing his hair issues even though they spent the same amount of time in the water.

  “I already have all that shit she just gave you.” Troy tossed his head like he had a flowing mane of shiny, curly locks instead of an undercut.

  After stopping for donuts, the four of them piled into James’s Patrol and checked out a couple of cars for the bridal party. Brian’s Jag wouldn’t fit Elle and her bridesmaids, so they needed a second car that wouldn’t look out of place beside the pearlescent classic. At the second wedding car place they found a Rolls-Royce Silver Cloud in glittering white that Brian approved of.

  “It’s a bit more expensive than I wanted to pay,” James murmured, even as he ran a longing hand over the curve of the fender. “The guy said he’d give us a discount only if we got two of them for the day, not just the one. And they won’t fit the ribbons if one car isn’t theirs.”

  “We’ll chip in,” Troy offered.

  “I can’t ask that of you guys.”

  Brian shrugged. “Then don’t. Since the other car is mine and it’ll barely fit Elle in her pompom, I’ll hire this one as a wedding present for you and Elle.”

  James looked on the verge of tears. “You don’t have to do that.”

  He’d have to watch his budget for a couple of weeks, but . . . “I want to. I didn’t know what else to get you anyway. I’ll go organise it now.”

  Brian went back inside the office, booked the car, paid a deposit and was doing the mental math as he walked back out, only to be surprise tackled by James into a bear hug.

  “Love you, dude.”

  Brian huffed a laugh and patted his back. “Right back atcha.”

  James motioned at Andrew and Troy. “Get in here, morons. I have a sudden abundance of affection for all of you.”

  “I fuckin’ love you guys.” Troy threw himself at them.

  “Yeah, yeah,” Andrew muttered, coming in on the other side. His grin was wide even if his tone was dry. “It’s one big bromance.” His face ended up very close to Brian’s and he mouthed, “Love you,” just to him.

  It was the first time Andrew had said it to Brian since the night that started it all. And he had to pick right now, while Brian was squished between two other men, to trot it out and make his heart swell and his belly warm and his goddamn insatiable dick twitch.

  “Yup,” Troy said dreamily. “And we’ll still love you too, Bri Bri, even if you’re gay.”

  “What the fuck?” Brian broke out of the tight hug and stepped back, starting at Troy in confusion. “What the fuck was that?”

  “Not cool, Troy,” James said. “I told you it wasn’t a thing.”

  “Sorry!” Troy threw his hands up, part helpless, part apology. “Sorry, it just slipped out.”

  Brian transferred his frown from Troy to James. “What? You told him I’m gay?”

  Oh shit. Andrew went to Brian’s side, ready to hold him back if he launched, though he seemed more shocked than angry. “Calm down. We’ll sort this out.”

  Trembling, Brian turned to him and in an instant, his shock became fear and there was a touch of accusation in his tone. “Sort what out? What the fuck did you—”

  “Nothing,” Andrew hissed, trying to stay calm. Brian was reeling and confused. He couldn’t think Andrew would have said anything to James and Troy about their private life. “It’s just a misunderstanding.”

  James approached them while Troy held back, arms crossed, and lips pressed together as if it would stop him from putting his other foot in it.

  “Brian, I’m sorry,” James said. “It’s my fault. Elle and I were talking and I misunderstood—”

  “Elle? What the hell did she say about me?” Before anyone could answer, Brian backed away from them both. “What? You all had nothing better to do so you sat around gossiping about me and my sexuality?”

  “No! It wasn’t like that at all.”

  “Really?” Brian snapped at James. “So what was it like? How do you just accidentally decide someone is gay behind their back? Huh?”

  “No one thinks you’re gay now,” James said calmly.

  Now? Andrew could have throttled James for that single word over everything else he’d just said.

  Brian threw Andrew a panicked look and Andrew’s heart stuttered. They hadn’t talked about Brian’s orientation again since they went on that date. It hadn’t seemed important. Things were good between them. Better than good. Amazing and thrilling and so fucking off the charts hot Andrew wouldn’t have cared if Brian gave him a lap dance in the middle of Surfers Paradise. And Brian certainly hadn’t seemed to be questioning anything other than why it was taking him so long to learn to deep throat. But the absolute fear in Brian’s eyes now obliterated the blissful ignorance.

  Andrew’s heart hurt so much it felt like it was s
lowly ripping itself out of his chest as he turned to James. “I’m taking Brian home. Tell Elle we’re sorry about missing the cake tasting.”

  “You don’t have a car. Let me drive you,” James offered.

  Brian’s headshake was so hard he unbalanced.

  “We’ll Uber home. It’s okay. Get Troy and go.”

  Troy was walking away down the footpath, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched. He was going in the opposite direction to where they’d parked and didn’t look like he was stopping. James looked from Andrew to Brian, then over his shoulder to Troy.

  “Fuck,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” Then he went after Troy.

  “Come on.” Andrew grabbed Brian’s arm and steered him in the other direction. “Let’s go.”

  Brian was silent as they waited for their Uber, and all the way home. Once inside, he threw himself upstairs and into his room—which hadn’t been slept in for over two weeks—and slammed the door shut.

  Archy, rudely awoken from his sleep in a patch of sunlight by the front windows, meowed inquisitively, decided he didn’t really have the energy to care after sleeping all day, and tucked his face back into his paws.

  Andrew wanted to join him. Right then, he wasn’t sure he had the capacity to parse Brian’s response to what had happened. He cared, though. Because what the hell had they been doing these last couple of weeks if Brian was that panicked by being thought of as gay? And if that was the case, what did he think of Andrew being bi?

  He was still wandering aimlessly and frustratingly around the ground level of the townhouse when Troy called.

  “I didn’t mean it.” He sounded wrecked.

  “I know you didn’t. But I’m not the one you have to apologise and explain it to.”

  There was a pause for snuffling. “I know. He won’t answer his phone. I’ve left a dozen messages.”

  Andrew had no response to that that wasn’t “duh, dickhead,” so he kept quiet.

  “James told me that Elle told him he just assumed from what she’d said and I know it’s wrong but it stuck in my head and it just came out today. I never meant to hurt him, it just— I just—” Troy took a couple of deep breaths. “If he talks to you, let him know how sorry I am and that I’ll beg if it will get him to listen to me, okay?”

  “I’ll tell him.”

  Troy thanked him and hung up. Elle called next.

  “Is Brian okay?” she asked immediately.

  “No. Why should he be?” All of Andrew’s anger and hurt crystalized at the sound of her voice. “This is all your fault.”

  There was a long silence and Andrew knew he was reacting badly, but all of the little doubts he’d had about Brian really committing to this thing they had going weren’t so little all of a sudden. He felt like shouting and crying because he’d sort of thought this would happen and it was really his own fault for ignoring it. But right then, he shifted it all on to Elle.

  Elle took a while to respond and sounded steady when she did. “I know. I’m sorry for ever putting that idea in James’s head. I never meant to, and I never personally thought it. I didn’t think he’d get the wrong idea or tell Troy. And after we spoke about it, I explained it to James and he swears he passed that on to Troy too.”

  Arguing with Elle had always been a non-starter. She was too bloody reasonable and level-headed to get fiery about much. Just like usual, her calm soothed him.

  Softly, she continued. “I’ve never seen Troy cry, but when James dragged him into the cake shop he was a wreck. He’s honestly sorry. Please let Brian know that.”

  The last of his anger faded away. Thank god they had Elle. “I will. If he ever talks to me again.”

  “Why wouldn’t he talk to you? You didn’t do anything.”

  Except try to turn him into something he was shit scared of being. “He’s pretty upset.”

  “I know. It’s terrible when people just assume things about you and I feel rotten for being a part of it.” Elle was speaking from experience. Just because she was Aboriginal lots of people assumed she was a bludger and uneducated, even if they saw her in her professional clothes.

  “I’m—” bi. But what came out of Andrew’s mouth was, “Sorry for saying it’s all your fault. It’s not. The whole thing is just stupid and hurtful.”

  “I know,” Elle whispered and finally her cool demeanour cracked with a little sob. “Oh god I know.” She sniffled and after some long breaths, said, “We cancelled the tasting. I’ll reschedule it for next weekend. Hopefully Brian will have forgiven us all by then.”

  “We’ll see.”

  “Love you and Brian. Bye.”

  Not quite ready to deal if James and Carly called, Andrew put his phone on silent and decided he needed to do something physical to bleed off some tension. Not wanting to leave the house to go to the gym, he ended up outside, hacking at the front hedge. Archy sat behind the front security door and meowed to join him, but Andrew was too focused on his frustration to watch the cat so he wouldn’t hurt himself on the lead. He barely even noted when the meowing stopped. It was only when it was getting too dark to see properly that he stopped and stepped back to survey his work.

  “It’s uneven.”

  Andrew spun and found Brian sitting on the front step, Archy on his lap, harness and lead on.

  “That end is higher than that one.” Brian pointed helpfully.

  “It’s supposed to be,” Andrew lied. “I’m going for artistic.”

  “Well . . . it’s that, I guess.” He sounded almost steady.

  Collecting up his tools, Andrew set them down outside the garage and, carefully, sat down next to Brian. “I got calls from Troy and Elle. They’re all very sorry.”

  Brian nodded and focused on scratching Archy’s chin, who ratcheted up his purr to jet engine. “I know they are. They’re not actual arseholes.”

  “But?”

  “But fuck them. Like seriously. Fuck. Them.”

  “Yup.” Andrew wanted to touch him, hold him, but he kept his hands to himself, unsure how Brian would respond now. That morning, he’d sucked him off in a toilet with their friends a room away. Now . . .? He wasn’t sure Brian would want to even be touched on the hand by another man.

  The sun went down while they sat in silence and Archy squirmed off Brian’s lap to prowl around, stretching his lead out as far as Brian would let it.

  “I’m going to tell them,” Andrew said as Archy sniffed suspiciously at where he’d cut back the base of the hedge.

  Brian stiffened. “About us?”

  “No. Not without you wanting to as well. I meant about me. Being bi.”

  “Don’t do it just to take their dirty minds off me.”

  Andrew shook his head. “I need to tell them. Not because I want us to go public, but because it’s a truth I shouldn’t be ashamed of.”

  “Damn straight, and if they don’t like it after telling me it’s okay if I’m gay, then we don’t need that sort of two-facedness.”

  “We,” Andrew whispered, wondering if he could hope yet.

  “Should I say I’m bi too?” Brian mused.

  “Are you?”

  His face screwed up and he looked down at his hands, absently fiddling with the end of the extender lead. “I don’t know. And it’s making me angry that I don’t know. I’m so fucking pissed at them for just thinking I’m gay. Like it’s that easy to know. If I don’t know, how could they know?”

  “They don’t. It really was just a misunderstanding.”

  “No. On some level, James and Troy really thought it because otherwise why would they say anything? If it’s just a misunderstanding, it wouldn’t be right at the front of their minds in order for it to fall out of their dumb fucking mouths.” Brian was getting angry again.

  “Okay, fair point.”

  “And what sort of misunderstanding was it? It’s not like I ever gave anyone a reason to ever think it. You kept your bisexuality a secret for years and no one had a misunderstanding about that. What the fuck d
id I do that made them think that?”

  Andrew sighed. “Do you want to know?”

  “Yes, please. Tell me. I’d hate to keep doing whatever it is and just confirm their thoughts.”

  That stung so deep Andrew was breathless. For a moment, he’d thought they were okay, but that . . . He shoved it aside and quickly told him about what Elle had said about Brian’s past relationships.

  Brian went still and quiet again. “She thinks I didn’t love them?”

  “That’s just her reading of it all.”

  Handing over the lead, Brian got up and started pacing, stepping over the lead as Archy kept skulking in the bushes. “She’s right, you know. Simone’s your sister and she should have probably lost her virginity to someone who was in love with her, but I wasn’t. Not with Lena either.”

  Andrew tried hard not to think about Simone’s virginity and focused on Brian’s other words. “Are you sure?”

  “I think so? I love Simone, but not like that.” He jerked to a stop and stared at Andrew worriedly. “Not as a sister, either. I’m not that screwed up.”

  “I know.” He smiled. “And I’m really hoping you also don’t think of me as a brother.”

  “Fuck, no. Never. Like, we’ve always been close, but I’ve never thought of you that way. Do you?”

  Andrew shook his head very vehemently.

  “Good.” Brian returned to pacing. “So Elle said that and James heard ‘Brian’s gay.’ And then told Troy. If that’s a sample conversation between Troy and James then what else do they talk about all day?”

  “Dick size?”

  Brian snickered, then glared. “I’m supposed to be angry. Don’t make me laugh.” After a moment, he said, “We talk about dick size.”

  “For reasons.”

  “Okay, yeah.” Giving up on his pacing, Brian plopped back down on the step, closer to Andrew than he had been. “Am I gay?” It was small and worried.

  Andrew screwed up his courage and asked, “Would that be so horrible?”