by Ari McKay
After a few long moments Joe pulled back. “Well, once I get cleaned up, I’ll show you exactly how much I missed you,” he said softly. He patted Finn on the ass. “So… bath?”
“As you wish.” Finn’s smile was sultry as he drew back, and he clasped Joe’s hands and squeezed them before heading to the bathroom.
Joe watched as Finn turned, anticipating the sight of Finn’s ass outlined by the fabric of the sweatpants. But as Finn’s back came into view, Joe couldn’t help biting down hard on his tongue to hold back a gasp.
Finn had never, ever made a secret of the fact he had other lovers. Over the years he’d had a lot of hookups, and he’d always been honest with Joe when they happened. Which was considerate and made sense, given the way STDs could spread. Finn was always scrupulous about condoms and being tested, and Joe was, too—even though he hadn’t been with anyone except Finn since they’d first gotten together. But while Finn had occasionally shown up sporting a few marks here and there from rough encounters, he’d never once shown up with the array of bite and scratch marks Joe saw on his back. Either Finn had been to a really wild orgy, or he’d hooked up with someone for what looked like a hell of a lot more than a weekend fling.
While Joe had learned to simply accept that Finn only saw him as a friend with benefits and not allow himself to feel possessive or jealous over Finn’s need for more than just him, the sight of those marks sent a cold chill down Joe’s spine that ended up as a lump of ice in his gut. This was something different. Even though he’d been away for a month, Joe had the awful feeling that something had changed about their relationship while he was gone, but he had no idea what.
Finn glanced over his shoulder as if making certain Joe was following, but the playfulness in his expression faded, replaced by concern. “Is something wrong?” he asked as he faced Joe once more.
In all their years together, Joe had never directly lied to Finn. Not that he felt the need to confess everything he felt at any given time, but he’d never told an actual lie.
Until now.
“Of course not,” he said, turning away to grab his case. “I just remembered that I got you something in Pakistan. A bowl I saw in a marketplace in Karachi. It’s hand-painted and colorful, just like you like.”
“Thanks, babe. I’ll add it to the collection.” Finn’s smile returned as he watched Joe rummage around in his bag. Instead of using matching place settings, Finn bought handmade cups, bowls, and plates of various sizes and colors from the countries he visited.
Joe pulled out a blue silk bag and handed it to Finn. He’d been so pleased to find the brightly colored bowl and had spent more than a few hours contemplating the pleasure he thought Finn would get from it. It was a very unique design, the rounded curve of the ceramic forming into the shape of a tulip on one side, and the whole piece was covered in intricate patterns in every color of the rainbow. “I saw it and thought of you, and it made me happy.”
Finn loosened the drawstrings and opened the bag, and he let out a delighted gasp when he pulled out the bowl. “This is amazing! I love it. Thank you!” He picked up the small white box nestled in the bowl and held it up, regarding Joe curiously. “What’s this? Something of yours?”
Joe felt his stomach drop. He’d forgotten he’d put the box in with the bowl, and even though he had bought the contents for Finn as well, something about those scratches on Finn’s back suddenly made it seem like a stupid, pointless gift. He should probably just lie again and say that it was his, and he knew Finn would let it go without another thought, but some part of him wanted—maybe even needed—to see how Finn reacted.
“No, it’s something else for you,” he said softly. “But I don’t know if you’ll like or want it.”
Finn carefully placed the bowl on Joe’s dresser and opened the box. His eyes widened when he saw the white-gold ring inside. “That’s a Celtic trinity knot, isn’t it?” he asked as he lifted the ring and held it up to the light. “It’s gorgeous, Joe. The emerald matches my eyes.”
“Yeah.” Joe felt his face flushing a bit. He didn’t indulge in emotional displays very often, and he was suddenly a bit embarrassed at how soppy and sentimental it probably seemed. “That’s why I bought it. Things were… hard on the mission. Dark. I liked looking at the ring and the bowl because they reminded me of you and that there were good things for me to come back to.”
Finn slid the band on the ring finger of his right hand, before closing the distance between them and pulling Joe into a light, lingering kiss. “I’m glad,” he said when he drew back at last. “I wish I’d been there. I wish I could’ve gone with you. It didn’t feel right staying here and not having your back.”
Joe swallowed hard against a lump in his throat. He supposed it was too much to hope that Finn might put the ring on his left hand instead, but the gesture reminded him that his place in Finn’s life wasn’t ever going to be what he really wanted. It wasn’t Finn’s fault, either—it was simply the way things were between them. Joe was grateful to at least be Finn’s best friend and the person he trusted most in the world. It had been enough for him for years, and it would continue to be enough. Other men might come into Finn’s life, but they were gone quickly and without regret in Finn’s eyes.
“I didn’t wish you were there,” he admitted. “I wouldn’t have been there myself if Herc hadn’t asked me. I’ve never seen such ugliness. I wouldn’t have wanted you to see it.”
“The mission was a success, right?” Finn rested his hand against Joe’s neck and stroked Joe’s jaw with his thumb. “Let’s focus on that and go wash all the ugliness away.”
Joe smiled crookedly. “I’d like that. Yes, the mission was a success, thank all that’s holy. But I don’t know if I could do it again. Even for Herc.” He didn’t realize until he said it that the words were true. Joe considered himself a simple man, and he could deal with evil—in his job, he’d had to—and while the adversary in this case had undoubtedly been one of the most horrible men he’d ever run across, it was the knowledge that they hadn’t taken him down sooner that was like a rip in Joe’s heart. There were plenty of dead bodies by the time the mission was over, but even though Joe knew saving every victim had never been more than theoretically possible, it still hurt that they couldn’t. What he needed more than anything right now was the warmth of the man he loved to soothe the jagged edges of his damaged soul.
“Come on.” Finn slid his hand down Joe’s arm and twined their fingers. “I’ll run a bath as hot as you can handle it, and I’ve got a loofah and lemon verbena soap with your name on them. I want you to lie back and let me take care of you,” he said as he tugged Joe toward the bathroom.
Joe willingly followed along, though he couldn’t help glancing at the scratches and bruises—obviously bite marks—that decorated Finn’s back. Some of them were fading, while others looked fresh enough that they might have been done the previous day. Or perhaps even that morning. Not that he would ask. He never did.
“Wait here,” Finn said, stopping Joe next to the huge whirlpool tub. “I’ll undress you, but I want to get the bath started first.”
Joe waited, watching as Finn started the water and added the bath salts. Finn moved with languid grace, and Joe always enjoyed observing Finn, no matter what he was doing. “I feel like I have sand driven into my skin. A nice soak will feel really good.”
“I’ll bet it will.” Finn made a detour to the vanity to pick up a lighter. “You can soak as long as you want. We’ll start the washing away process with a shampoo and scalp massage,” he said as he lit the two thick, round candles on either end of the tub ledge. “How does that sound?”
“Perfect.” Joe reached out, brushing a hand over Finn’s soft, thick hair. “You take good care of me.”
Finn’s answering smile was warm and sweet as he leaned into the caress. “I try,” he said. “I enjoy it.”
“Thanks.” The sight of Finn’s smile soothed a bit of the unease Joe felt from the sight of Finn’s ba
ck. Finn was here, after all, and that was what really mattered.
“Anytime. Now let’s get you undressed and into the tub.” Finn slid his hands beneath the collar of Joe’s black leather jacket and eased it off Joe’s shoulders and down his arms. Joe shrugged slightly, helping.
“Don’t be surprised that I’ve got a few new scars. One guy went at me with a knife after I relieved him of his gun.”
“Shit, seriously?” Concern flickered in Finn’s expressive green eyes. “Do you need me to check anything?”
“It should be okay.” Joe caressed Finn’s cheek, touched by the concern. “Couple of stitches, that’s all. Nothing deep. It’s healing fine.”
“What about the others?” Finn tugged the hem of Joe’s black T-shirt and worked with him to get it up and off.
“So shallow they didn’t need stitches.” Joe held up his left arm so Finn could see the neat line of stitches on his forearm. He pointed to the red lines on his left pec and the upper part of his stomach. “He missed my ink, I’m glad to say.”
“Thank God.” Finn leaned in and pressed his lips against Joe’s right shoulder where his tattoo sleeve started. “I love your ink,” he murmured against Joe’s skin.
Joe closed his eyes, letting the warmth of the kiss flow over him. “I’m glad. You’ll have to help me decide what to get next.”
“I keep telling you, it should be a four leaf clover on your ass,” Finn said, flashing a mischievous grin as he started unfastening the fly of Joe’s cargo pants.
Joe chuckled. “How many times do I have to tell you, I’m not getting that?” He shook his head. “I may be as much of a son of the ould sod as you are, but I’m not about to go that far!”
“Fine, so make it a leprechaun.” Finn wormed his fingers beneath the waistband of Joe’s boxer briefs and eased them down along with the cargo pants.
“Only if you kiss me arse,” Joe said in a lilting brogue. “How about it?”
“You act like I’ve never done that and a hell of a lot more to your ass,” Finn said, his voice laced with amusement.
Joe grinned. “Too true.”
With Finn’s help, he got out of the rest of his clothing—boots thudding on the tile and shedding sand. When he was finally bare Finn urged him into the tub, and he sank into the hot, scented water with a sigh of relief. “This feels great.”
“It’s going to feel even better once I get my hands on you,” Finn said as he knelt at the end of the tub behind Joe’s head. He slid his arms around Joe’s shoulders and leaned forward, releasing a quiet sigh that ghosted past Joe’s ear. “I’m really glad you’re back,” he said softly. “I missed you.”
“Did you?” The question was out before Joe could stop it, but he said it softly, so he hoped Finn wouldn’t take it as a criticism. “I know you were busy with the DC assignment, and your new trainee.”
“I was, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about you or miss you.” Finn fell silent and absently nuzzled his nose beneath Joe’s ear. “Although, I wasn’t celibate either,” he said at last.
“I sort of figured that out.” Joe closed his eyes, letting himself float a bit. No doubt Finn was going to tell him about his hook ups during the past month, just like he always did. A part of Joe never wanted to know about what Finn did with other men, so that he could pretend Finn was his and his alone, but he always listened, to remind himself that he had no real claim on Finn’s heart. Oh, Finn loved him as a best friend, but Joe knew Finn wasn’t really in love with him and needed more than Joe could give.
“It’s the guy I’ve been working with,” Finn said. “Drew Martin. You might’ve heard him mentioned as Joker. He’s from Lawson & Greer.”
Another merc? Joe turned his head to look at Finn in surprise. Finn didn’t hook up with guys from work because it could easily get awkward once Finn’s interest waned and he moved on. Finn normally used a dating app, or stuck to people he met socially. For him to have changed his mind about someone from work was unusual. And disturbing. “Oh?”
“Yeah.” Finn went quiet again, and he tightened his arms around Joe. “He started flirting as soon as we met. I thought he was a player, you know? That we’d have a good time, and that would be it.”
Joe heard what Finn said, and also what he didn’t say. His stomach twisted, because he
had an idea where this was leading. “But it wasn’t.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Finn said. “I haven’t had chemistry like this with anyone since you, so I’ve been enjoying it.”
“Oh.” Joe fell silent, unsure what to say. This had never happened before. He normally didn’t have a lot to say to anyone but Finn, but now words failed him completely. Did Finn want his blessing? Or was he going to tell Joe the two of them were over, he was being replaced with this new guy? What could anyone say when the person they loved met someone new?
Finn drew in a deep breath. “So I was wondering if you’d be okay with me seeing him,” he said, a hopeful note in his voice.
So it was a blessing Finn wanted, and probably for Joe to bow out so that this Joker could take over Joe’s place—apparently former place—in Finn’s life. There was a sick, jealous part of him that wanted to say no, but when it came down to it, Finn’s happiness mattered. Apparently more than his own.
“You don’t need my permission,” he said, his voice a bit ragged. “I’ve never tried to control you, and I don’t own you. Do what you want, with who you want. Just like you always have, right?”
Finn went still. “I know you’d never try to control me, but yeah, I do need your permission. You’ve been okay with me having the occasional fling, but this is different. This would mean sharing my time and attention more than you’re used to.”
“I want you to do whatever makes you happy.” Joe closed his eyes, again, wishing this entire thing was just a bad dream. “If that means you want him, I’m not going to stand in your way.”
“That’s not….” Finn blew out a sharp huff. “Look, I know it may be selfish and greedy, but I want both of you. Is there any way that can happen?”
“You already talked with him about this?” Joe felt his heart breaking. Somehow, he’d gone away for a month and his whole world had somehow tilted on its axis.
“I told him about you,” Finn said. “He knows how important you are to me. We haven’t made any promises or arrangements because I wanted to talk to you first.”
Joe sat up, pulling away from Finn but not turning around. He wanted to get out of the bath and run, because this was not what he wanted to be hearing. How could Finn spring this on him cold? How could Finn expect him to welcome losing what bit of Finn Joe actually had? Maybe this was Finn’s way of letting him down easy. Get Joe to share time, and slowly Finn would spend more and more time with the new man, and Joe would be left with nothing. All this for a guy Finn had only met a month before?
“Sounds like you’ve already decided what you want. Me… I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it—not like this, but I guess a part of me always knew you’d fall in love with someone else someday.”
“Does that mean you don’t even want to try?” Finn asked, sounding far more subdued than Joe had ever heard him be before. “I don’t want to choose, Joe. I’ve got enough room in my heart for both of you.”
Finn didn’t deny being in love with this new man, and the pieces of Joe’s heart shattered completely. “If you’re in love with this guy, you probably really want to be with him. I can’t imagine he’d want to share you, either. Put yourself in my place, Finn. What if I had come back from Pakistan, hauling some stranger in and telling you I was in love with him, but that I still wanted to have sex with you? How would you feel?”
Finn shifted to sit on the ledge of the tub, facing Joe, and he raked his fingers through his hair. “I… can’t answer that,” he said. “I don’t know how I’d feel. I’d want you to be happy, and I don’t want to be hypocritical, but….” He spread his hands and shrugged. “I don’t have an answer for that.”<
br />
“But you want me to give you one.” Joe couldn’t look at Finn, because he didn’t want Finn to see the agony he knew must be reflected in his eyes. “And I can’t.”
“You’re right,” Finn said quietly. “I’m not being fair. I don’t want to push you into something you aren’t ready for or worse, something you don’t want, so if you need time to process, I understand.”
“Thanks.” Joe drew in a shuddering breath. He really didn’t think that being second best in Finn’s life wasn’t going to be enough, and the new guy would probably do his damnedest to push Joe out, anyway. But he couldn’t bear to hurt Finn, so it was better if they just gave things distance and time. Finn would have the man he loved, and Joe… well, he would know that Finn was happy.
He stood up, stepping out of the tub and reaching for a towel, wrapping it around his waist. “I guess I’m not in the mood for a bath anymore.”
Finn stood and regarded him somberly. “You want some space?”
“Yeah.” Joe ran a hand through his hair, still not meeting Finn’s eyes. “Just… I’m still your friend, right? No matter what?”
“Of course you are.”
At least Joe would have that, cold comfort though it would be. “Thanks.”
“Okay, well, I’m going to get my stuff and head out. If you need anything…. If there’s anything I can do… I’ll be here.” Finn leaned in and brushed a kiss against Joe’s cheek, and then he left Joe alone in the bathroom.
Joe stood still, listening to the sounds of Finn in the bedroom. He heard Finn getting dressed and collecting his things, followed by the sound of Finn’s footsteps going down the stairs. Finally he heard the door to the garage open, then close, and the sound of Finn’s car heading away. Away from Joe and toward the man Finn loved.
Even though he’d always known this day would come, nothing could have prepared Joe for the pain of it. He slowly walked into the bedroom, seeing the mussed sheets where Finn had lain, waiting for him. The promise of shared pleasure, of holding the man he loved, was now nothing but a memory, Joe turned, walking out of the room and down the hall. He couldn’t bear to sleep in the sheets that smelled of Finn, knowing that Finn loved someone else, had chosen someone else to share his life with. Instead, he opened the door to his guest room, walked over to the bed, and laid down on the mattress, curling into a ball as he gave in to his misery at last.
