by Ari McKay
He’d lost the only person in the world who really mattered, and while Joe had never told Finn he was in love with him, somehow that didn’t make it hurt any less.
6
After he left Joe’s house, Finn wasn’t sure what to do with himself. He didn’t want to go home because his mind was too turbulent at the moment for him to be alone with it. A good workout might help, but he didn’t want to use the gym at headquarters because the chance that he might run into someone who’d ask why he wasn’t with Joe was too high. At the same time, he didn’t want to be alone, but the idea of hanging out in a public space, like a coffee shop or all-night diner, wasn’t appealing because he felt too restless to sit still.
That left him with one viable option, which was how he ended up at Drew’s apartment building, asking to be buzzed in.
“Hello?” Drew’s deep voice held a note of curiosity, and Finn knew there were no cameras, only the call boxes, so Drew didn’t know who was buzzing. “Are you sure you have the right apartment?”
“Pretty sure,” Finn said, a wave of relief sweeping over him at the sound of Drew’s voice. The way his luck was running tonight, he wouldn’t have been surprised if Drew wasn’t home. “It’s Finn. Can I come up?”
The door buzzer sounded. “Of course.”
When Finn stepped off the elevator at Drew’s floor a few minutes later, he spotted Drew standing just outside his apartment door, appearing concerned, and he had a sudden, overwhelming urge to run over and throw himself at Drew. He made himself keep to his normal pace, however, and he mustered a smile when he reached Drew.
“Thanks for letting me in,” he said.
“You’re always welcome,” Drew replied. He took Finn’s arm and urged him into the apartment. Once he’d closed and locked the door, he put his arms around Finn and held him. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it? Did something happen to Joe?”
“Not during the mission.” Finn slid his arms around Drew’s waist and leaned against him, drawing comfort from Drew’s warm, solid presence. “He made it home safe and sound. I waited for him at his house, and we were having a nice reunion until I told him about you.” He hesitated. “About us.”
Drew went still for a moment, and then he drew back so that he could look down into Finn’s face. “If I may ask, what did you tell him? Whatever it was, I assume he wasn’t happy.”
“No, he wasn’t happy.” All the butterflies roiling in Finn’s stomach sank to the bottom to form a heavy lump that made him nauseated. “I told him the truth. That I thought we’d have a fun little fling, and that would be the end of it, but we have stronger chemistry than I expected. I asked if he’d be okay with me seeing you.”
Drew sighed. “Come on, let’s go into the living room, and I’ll get you a drink. I think you need it. Hell, I think I need one, too.”
Drew led Finn to his comfortable sofa, then went to his sideboard to pour them both glasses of bourbon. He even brought the bottle over and put it on the table in front of them before handing Finn one of the glasses and sitting down beside him. “I’m not going to push, because your relationship with Joe is something special, I know. Most of it is none of my business, but I’m here to listen, and to help, if I can. Okay?”
Finn accepted the glass and took a sip, hoping it would help calm him somewhat. “I don’t even know what to say. I feel like we just broke up, even though he didn’t say that in so many words.”
Drew put an arm around Finn and rubbed his shoulder. “So what did he say? That he didn’t want you to see me? Or that he didn’t want to see you anymore? Somehow, this doesn’t sound like the reaction of someone who’s just a ‘friends with benefits,’ Finn.”
Scrubbing his face with his free hand, Finn tried to figure out how to explain the conversation. “He said he wants me to be happy. That he needs time to process. He asked how I’d feel if he brought back a stranger and said he wanted to see both of us.”
Drew was quiet for several long moments. “I wasn’t there, and I don’t know him, so I’m not sure what that means. It sounds like a reasonable reaction. You’re asking him for a big change to your relationship, one that he wasn’t expecting, and one that means he’s not the only person who gets to spend time with you. Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. Maybe he does just need time to process. Unless….”
“Unless what?” Finn sat up straight, alarm zinging through him.
Drew shrugged. “Look, I’ve never met the man, so I could be off base. But everything you’ve said about your relationship—the way he treats you and the fact that he doesn’t see other people—has made me think his feelings for you are a lot deeper than just friendship. To me, it sounds like he’s in love with you. If that’s the case, he’s probably feeling like his whole world just crashed down around him. I’ve had friends with benefits before, and we all joke and tease each other about our various flings, but no one actually gets upset if their buddy wants to fuck someone else on a regular basis.”
Finn stared at Drew, stunned into silence. He wanted to deny the possibility that Joe loved him, because that would mean he hadn’t managed to protect Joe at all, but Joe being in love with him would help that whole conversation make a hell of a lot more sense.
“He’s never said anything about love,” he said, although he wasn’t sure whether he was trying to convince Drew or himself that Joe couldn’t possibly be in love with him.
“Right. Have you?” Drew asked gently. “To him, that is. I know how you feel about him.”
“No, I didn’t tell him.” Finn stared into the depths of his bourbon, feeling even more confused now than when he’d left Joe’s place. “I thought I could keep him safe from being disappointed because I can’t be the kind of white-picket-fence guy he wants.”
“Oh, Finn.” Drew sighed, leaning close to brush a kiss to Finn’s cheek. “You’re a good man, but whether you ever told him you were in love with him or not, it wouldn’t change how he feels about you. Even if he wants that white picket fence, it sounds like he wants you more. Otherwise he would be seeing other people, trying to find the person who could give him that dream. But he hasn’t, right? You told me he only sleeps with you. That says a lot about what he feels. I don’t know him, but I have seen pictures. A guy that hot could be fucking half the gay men in this city if he wanted. Hell, I’d do him myself, given the chance.”
“So what do I do now?” Finn knocked back his drink and set the empty glass on the coffee table. “Go back there and tell him how I feel? I’m not sure how much of a difference it would make. He didn’t like the idea of me seeing you very much.”
“That, I don’t know.” Drew gave Finn’s shoulders a squeeze. “I wish I had a crystal ball so I could give you the answers. You and me, Finn, we’re a lot alike. We grab life and live it, but we need an anchor. For the last twenty years, Lawson & Greer has been my anchor. The company and my cadre were to me a lot of what Joe is to you. You told me Joe was your rock, and I get the feeling you’re not going to be happy without him, right?” He was silent for a moment. “I almost feel like I should bow out and settle the question for you. But if I’m totally honest, I don’t want to do that. You matter to me more than anyone I’ve met in a long time. I want to see where this goes between us—and I’m not saying you can’t see other people, especially Joe. I want whatever part of you that you can give me.”
Finn leaned against Drew and rested his hand on Drew’s thigh. “I don’t want you to bow out,” he said, feeling icy tendrils coil around his heart at the mere thought. “I wish there was a way I could be with both of you without hurting either of you.” He drew back and offered a wry smile. “Wishful thinking, I know.”
“Not when it comes to me, at least.” Drew smiled. “I don’t know if there’s a way to convince Joe I’m not trying to take you away from him, but I can try. To him I’m the big bad monster stealing away the man he loves.”
Finn thought about the way Joe had withdrawn and how he’d spoken about Drew. “Probably,” he said,
inclining his head to acknowledge the point. “Okay, so if we’re a lot alike, what would you do if you were me?” he asked, hoping for any kind of guidance he could latch onto. He was so far out of his depth, and he had no idea how to proceed.
“That’s rough because I’ve never had anyone in love with me before.” Drew smiled crookedly. “Nor anyone I’ve loved the way you love Joe. I guess it depends on if you want to keep him in your life, and how badly you want that.”
“I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t want to lose you, either.” Finn let out a shaky laugh and scrubbed his face again. “I’m greedy, I guess.”
“It’s not greedy, not if it’s what’s in your heart.” Drew gave him another one-armed hug. “I’m glad I matter to you, because you matter to me, too. I think if I had a Joe in my life, I’d give him time. Maybe right now he sees this as an either-or situation. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t even know how deeply you care about him, so he’s not got the complete sitrep, now does he? He might not even be willing to accept all of it at this point, but if he loves you, he’s not going to be able to stay away from you. So… I guess do what any good leader would do. Leave the door open. Tell him you care, but more importantly, show him. And I’ll do everything I can to prove to him I’m not trying to monopolize you, that there can be room for us both in your life.” He paused and looked at Finn with a raised brow. “I doubt it’s likely to come up, but how would you feel if he and I unexpectedly hit it off? I mean with the same chemistry you and I have. Would that bother you?”
Finn tried to imagine Joe and Drew together, drawing on what he knew about their bodies. He imagined them both wearing nothing but black cargo pants, imagined Drew making Joe shiver by tracing the darks whorls of Joe’s tattoo sleeve with his fingertips. He could visualize Joe pulling Drew in and teasing with the rasp of his lightly furred abs against Drew’s skin, and a subtle dominance battle as they kissed. Tugged hair. Fingers biting into hard muscle.
“No….” Finn worked to get the word out past his dry mouth. “I can’t say that it would.”
Maybe if Joe or Drew were with someone else, he might feel differently, but the thought of the two of them together—of watching them, maybe getting himself off while they fucked—was far more arousing than he expected.
Drew chuckled. “Seems like you actually sort of like the idea. Well, who knows? Stranger things have happened. I doubt he could ever feel about me the way he feels about you, but acceptance might be enough, right?”
“Maybe,” Finn said. “Hopefully.” He sighed and slumped against the back of the couch. “I’ll give him some space, and we’ll see what happens.”
“And in the meantime, I’ll be here for you.” Drew put his glass down and turned to face Finn fully. “That’s not me trying to take Joe’s place in your life. I wouldn’t want to do that, even if I could. And it’s not me saying he’s doing anything wrong by needing time and space to figure this out, because he isn’t. I’m betting that he’ll figure out pretty quick that you’re worth anything he needs to do to be with you. He’s used to being your rock, and it’s going to bother him not being there for you, as much as it bothers you that he isn’t.”
“I hope you’re right.” Finn rolled his head on the back of the couch to look at Drew, and he offered a grateful smile. He had more hope now than he’d had when he first arrived. “I won’t drop the L-bomb on him yet. It might seem manipulative if I do it now. I’ll only detonate it if I have to.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Drew reached out to caress Finn’s cheek. “Do you want to stay here tonight? We don’t have to do anything you don’t feel like doing, but if you just need someone to hold you, I’m available.”
For once, Finn wasn’t in the mood for sex, but he didn’t want to be alone either. “I’d like that,” he said with a little nod.
“Good. Would you like another drink first? Or something to eat?” In his own way, Drew was as much of a caretaker as Finn, or Joe, for that matter.
“What were you doing before I got here?” Finn asked. He wasn’t hungry, and he didn’t want to get drunk, but it was only a little after eight o’clock, so he didn’t want to go to sleep, either.
“I was going to pop some popcorn and start on those Hobbit movies I missed while out being a badass merc,” Drew said. “I’m still a couple of years behind the pop culture curve.”
“That sounds perfect.” Finn leaned over and took off his boots, making himself comfortable while Drew made the popcorn.
Drew returned a few minutes later with a huge plastic bowl filled with hot popcorn and a couple of sodas. Finn wasn’t interested in either; instead, he stretched out on his side with his head in Drew’s lap, and he let the sights and sounds of the film wash over him while Drew absently stroked his hair. Gradually, the peacefulness of the simple domestic moment relaxed him enough that his brain finally stopped its anxious tumbling. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
7
On Monday morning, Joe came in early to the main Hercules Security office to write up his report for the mission in Pakistan. After that, Herc debriefed him in person, wanting to know everything about the human traffickers Joe and his teammates had captured or killed. It wasn’t something Joe especially cared to relive moment by moment, but at least it helped take his mind off the situation with Finn and the fact that Joe had lost him to someone else.
“Are you all right?” Herc interrupted Joe’s account of the last day of the mission, and Joe glanced up from his notes, meeting Herc’s sharp blue gaze, seeing the unmistakable concern in his boss’s eyes.
“Yeah.” Joe tilted his head to one side. “Why do you ask?”
“You just seem a bit off.” Herc leaned closer across the table. “I know this was a tough one, Joe. You did amazing work, and you can be proud of having saved a lot of lives. It was an ugly situation, though, and there’s no shame in needing to talk to one of the psychologists about it.”
Joe liked and respected Herc, and knew Herc took the well-being of his employees seriously. “Thanks, but I’m okay. It’s not the mission. It’s… something else.” There was no way he could talk to Herc about Finn. Or talk to anybody else about it.
Herc continued to look at him for a few moments and then he nodded. “If you say so. But remember, the counselors are there for personal stuff, too—not only the fallout of hard missions.”
“I know.” Joe looked back down at his tablet. “This is just something I have to work out for myself.”
“All right.”
Joe was relieved when Herc dropped the subject and returned to the debriefing. Joe had done nothing for the last two days except think about Finn. He wondered if Finn was serious about still wanting both him and this new guy, or if it was Finn’s way of letting him down easy by putting the decision in Joe’s hands. He knew Finn cared, and that Finn wouldn’t ever want to hurt him, even if he had fallen in love with someone else. Of course, Finn had no idea Joe was in love with him, so there was no way Finn could realize just how much the situation was killing him inside. He had to find a way to act like it was really no big deal, that it had been fun while it lasted but that now they would just be buddies.
Would they still be partners?
Joe felt as though a knife had been thrust into his gut. He hadn’t considered until that moment that Finn might want to be partnered up with the new guy, and the thought of losing Finn completely was almost enough to make him cry out. He closed his eyes, wondering if he could even stay with the company if that happened. Joe liked his cadre, but Finn had always been his partner. He didn’t want anyone else.
“Joe!”
He opened his eyes as Herc spoke sharply, realizing with dismay that he’d stopped listening to Herc’s questions.
“Sorry, boss,” he managed to say, wondering where he’d lost track of the discussion. “I think I’m still jet-lagged. It was a horrible flight back, and my time zones are still screwed up.”
Herc gave him a piercing look, but then he nod
ded. “Okay, that makes sense. I thought you’d fallen asleep on me. I think you should go home and give yourself a couple of days to get back in the swing of things.”
More time in his own head wasn’t something Joe wanted, so he shook his head. “I’ll be fine, boss, I promise. I think I just need to get back to work.”
Herc didn’t look convinced, but after a moment he nodded. “Okay. Let’s end the debrief here. I’ll go over everything and let you know if I need more info.”
“Thanks, boss.” Joe was relieved Herc wasn’t going to push him to go to counseling again.
“Come on, let’s get out of here. I have an assignment lined up for you, anyway.”
Herc stood, and Joe followed along, wondering if Finn had already spoken to Herc and this was how Joe was going to find out Finn had asked for a new partner. But no… Finn wouldn’t do something like that. He’d tell Joe himself.
Herc pulled out his smartphone and typed something in before leading him out to the common area. The other employees were reporting for the day: getting their assignments, picking up equipment, or heading for the locker room to change for workouts. Herc beckoned Joe to follow him with this last group and made his way straight to the back wall where Joe and Finn had their lockers.
And there was Finn. Joe shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. He went completely still, gazing at Finn and hoping his fear wasn’t plain to see on his face.
“Hey, Finn.” Herc punched Finn playfully on the shoulder. “Ready for a new assignment? Joe says he’s ready to go.”
