by Ari McKay
“I kind of figured.” Drew turned slightly so he could face Finn and took a sip from his beer. “Honesty usually is best. You might have avoided the bad feelings if you’d both just fessed up years ago. As far as you and I go… I guess since I didn’t get a ‘Dear Drew’ call, we’re good?”
“We’re good,” Finn said softly. He put his plate aside and rested his hand on Drew’s thigh, wanting the comfort of contact. “He’s willing to tolerate you being my lover because he wants me to be happy. You have that in common,” he added with a wry smile. “I promised I’d balance the time I spend with both of you as best I can, and we both promised not to keep secrets from each other anymore. If this is going to work, we all need to communicate honestly.” He drew in a deep breath, bracing himself to take the next step. “Which leads me to the next thing I wanted to say.” Finn tightened his fingers on Drew’s leg and gazed at him somberly. “Maybe I’m rushing, but what we have is good and special, and I haven’t felt anything like it since Joe. So I want you to know I’m falling in love with you.”
Drew smiled and then leaned in to kiss Finn, sliding his hand behind Finn’s head and threading his fingers into Finn’s hair. When he pulled back, he rested his forehead against Finn’s. “I think I’m falling for you, too. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever known, and you knocked this old merc on his ass from the moment I saw you.”
Finn let out a shaky laugh, relieved his confession hadn’t been unwelcome, and he let all the warmth and affection he felt show in his smile. “Now I’m officially out of secrets, and we’re all on the same page.” He rested his hand on Drew’s cheek and closed his eyes briefly. “I really want this to work,” he murmured, more to himself than to Drew.
“I think it could, at least as far as I’m concerned.” Drew sighed. “I think a lot will depend on your Joe, and how he ends up feeling about me. How do you want me to handle it? Should I try to make friends?”
“I think the best thing you can do right now is give him plenty of space,” Finn said. Joe didn’t like being pushed, and in this case, it would make him dig in his heels harder—or punch Drew in the face. “He wants to pretend you don’t exist, and for now, I think we should let him. He needs time to adjust to the new normal. Maybe down the road he’ll realize you aren’t a threat and be more open to the idea of meeting you. But right now… hard no.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “He’s in denial. Got it. I don’t think that’s terribly healthy on his part, but I’ll respect both your wishes. He’s got to be aware that since we all work for the same company, he’s going to have to face it sooner or later.” He raised a brow at Finn. “Unless you want me to leave Hercules Security. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to make this harder than it has to be on you. As far as I’m concerned, Joe can just put on his big boy undies and deal with me professionally if necessary, but I don’t want you to be stressing about it.”
“Don’t you dare leave,” Finn said, scowling at the mere thought. “I’m willing to give Joe some space and time because this is all new territory for him, and he’s making some major adjustments for me. You’re right, it’s not sustainable in the long term, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a big-ass elephant in the room when I’m with him. At least if you’re around at work, he’ll have to face reality at some point.”
“Sounds good.” Drew leaned in for another kiss. “Enough about Joe for one night. If he can pretend I don’t exist, I feel fine with limiting the fucks I give about his tender feelings. I do have sympathy for him, but I’m not going to let him pillory me, either. So… pizza and beer, then I’ll see what I can do to make you walk funny for a couple of days. How does that sound?”
“That sounds like my idea of a perfect evening,” Finn said, and he leaned over to retrieve his plate, eating his pizza with far more gusto.
The situation wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was a lot better. All three of them were on the same page now, and maybe… eventually… one day, Joe would move from denial to acceptance. Finn didn’t dare hope the three of them would end up happy together—that was a pipe dream stemming from his deepest fantasies—but as long as he never had to choose between them, he would be happy with what he had.
9
“Hey, Morrissey! How are you doing?”
Joe glanced up from his locker to see Jason Hekili waving at him from near the door of the room. The big Hawaiian bodyguard walked over, and Joe smiled, pleasantly surprised. “Thunder! What are you doing on the East Coast? Is Pixel with you?”
Jason nodded. “Yeah, we’re out here for the environmental summit thing. Herc requested Red to send him anyone who was between assignments to help out, and it was a bonus that Pixel was free to help with coordination.” Pixel was Chris Hardison, Jason’s husband and the chief computer geek for all of Hercules Security. Normally the two of them worked out of Alec “Red” Davis’s Los Angeles office, but Jason had spent several months in Raleigh and Joe had been one of his main trainers when he’d first started with the company.
“Great. Finn and I are in charge of the summit, but I haven’t gotten the updated personnel list yet.” Joe closed his locker. “I was about to work out. If you want to hit the gym with me, I can update you on the planning.”
“Sounds good.” Jason looked around. “Where is Finn, anyway? I swear when I first started working here, I thought the two of you were Siamese twins, since I never saw one of you without the other.”
Joe barely managed to keep himself from wincing. A lot of people had begun to notice that he and Finn weren’t arriving and leaving together every day the way they used to. Joe had merely shrugged off the comments, since it wasn’t anyone’s business. No doubt after their very public exchange of declarations, people expected them to act like Herc and his husband Jude, who had been caught making out more than once in Herc’s office. But both Joe and Finn had tried to act professional toward each other at work since the beginning, though in the end it hadn’t fooled anyone. Joe had no idea what the gossip was going to be if and when it got out that Finn was sleeping with another of the mercs.
“I don’t think he’s here yet,” he replied, giving a slight shrug. “And we aren’t attached at the hip, despite rumors to the contrary.”
Jason laughed. “Okay, I get it. Sure, give me two minutes to change and we can hit weights. I’m definitely interested in the summit, since Hawaii is so vulnerable to the changing environment.”
Joe waited, chatting with Jason about Red Davis and the other mercs in California while Jason donned shorts and a tank top. The two of them made their way to the gym, where several of their cadre were already hard at work.
Jason had just gotten set up on a bench to do presses, with Joe spotting him, when Joe heard his name called once again. Tyson Briggs, also known as Dead-eye for his crack sniper abilities, came toward him, and following along behind him was Joker. Drew. The last person in the world Joe wanted to see.
“Hey, Joe! I wanted you to meet my new partner.” Dead-eye’s dark face was split with a wide grin. “He’s an army grunt, but he’s almost tough enough to make the cut.”
Joe glanced at Drew, but immediately turned his gaze down to Jason, adjusting his grip on the bar. “Hello.”
“Joe Morrissey, right? I’ve heard a lot about you,” Drew said. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Joe glanced up. He narrowed his eyes as he caught the innocent expression on Drew’s face. There was no way Joe could say the same; he’d choke on the words, and that would cause a lot of questions. As it would if he cut the man dead, so he decided on a comprise. “And I’ve heard a lot about you.” Too much.
Tyson’s grin faded, replaced by a look of puzzlement. “Did we catch you at a bad time?”
Joe couldn’t possibly explain the situation, not even to his fellow Seal. “Sorry, Jason and I were just about to go over our mission. Jason and Pixel are assigned under Finn and me for the NC State environmental summit.”
“So are we,” Tyson said, and he
smiled again, this time at Jason. “Good to see you, Thunder. This is Joker, also known as Drew Martin. Drew was XO for Bravo Company at Lawson & Greer. Drew, this is Jason Hekili, one of our West Coast brothers. He came to us via Hollywood, but don’t hold that against him. He’s been through a couple of shitstorms and earned his way just like the rest of us.”
Drew’s smile became more natural as he extended his hand to Jason. “Hollywood, eh? Were you an actor?”
“Mostly bit parts and B-grade horror,” Jason replied, sitting up on the bench and shaking Drew’s hand. “I had a commercial or two, but I think I’ve gotten more exposure from the “Men of Hercules Security” calendar we did for charity.” Jason laughed. “I was certainly more exposed, at least.”
“We were all exposed.” Tyson punched Joe lightly on the shoulder. “Even our quiet one here. Finn stripped down without even being asked, big surprise. I understand Joe took some convincing.”
Joe felt his face heating. “But I did it. For charity.”
“There’s a calendar?” Drew’s face lit up with interest. “Is it for this year?”
“Two years ago,” Dead-eye said. “It sold out, then had a second printing. I bet Herc still has copies somewhere, if you want one.”
Joe looked away. He didn’t care for the thought of Drew having one of the calendars. Not that he was ashamed of his picture, not at all, but it made him feel oddly vulnerable. Like Drew would be judging him. He muttered in Russian, an epithet, wishing Jason had kept his damned mouth shut.
“I may ask him about it,” Drew said, giving Joe a shrewd look. “I’d like to see how you guys were posed. I bet Joe here had the sexy innocent thing going. Am I right?”
Joe glanced up, unable to keep himself from shooting Drew a Glare of Messy Death. Fortunately no one else caught it, and Joe looked away again, with another muttered Russian profanity calling Drew’s parentage into question.
“Hey, guys!” A new voice entered the conversation, and Joe spotted Finn approaching. He was smiling, but Joe could practically see the “oh shit” thought balloon over his head. “What are we talking about?”
“The hot Herc’s calendar,” Drew said. “They got my curiosity up about it.”
“I’ve still got mine, even though it’s years out of date,” Finn said, moving to stand next to Joe. “All I’m saying is, Lee’s a damned good photographer.”
It was true, and Joe had a few photos of Finn—and of both he and Finn—that Lee had taken. He’d even allowed a few more risqué photos to be taken of himself—at Finn’s urging and solely for Finn’s benefit—with the promise no one else would ever see them.
But there was no way he was going to mention that little bit of information. Once Jason had greeted Finn, Joe reached out to touch Finn’s shoulder to get his attention. “Thunder and Pixel are working for us at the summit. So are Dead-eye and… his partner.” For some reason Drew’s name, even his merc name, got stuck in Joe’s throat. “Should we get a conference room and run down what we have?”
“Joker,” Drew said in a gratingly pleasant voice. “My handle is Joker. Or you can call me Drew. I’ll answer to either.”
“Sure,” Joe said, his own voice syrupy sweet, but he looked through Drew as though he wasn’t even there before turning his attention back to Finn. “Conference room?”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Finn said, donning the closed neutral expression Joe only saw when they were playing poker. “Let’s go.”
Lexy gave them one of the small meeting rooms with a table, computer hookup, and a whiteboard, and Jason called Pixel to let him know about the meeting. After Pixel arrived—he’d been paying a visit with his Raleigh counterparts in the computer security office—Finn and Joe brought everyone up to speed on their meetings with the NC State coordinators and ran over the initial security models they were looking at.
When the meeting concluded, Joe stayed at the computer as the others left the room. He wanted to see which other mercs were available for the mission, and whether or not he could judiciously request an alteration to the team.
Finn lingered as well, and once he and Joe were alone, he closed the conference room door and leaned against it. “Is this how it’s going to be?” he asked quietly.
Joe looked up. “What do you mean?” he asked cautiously.
“Don’t insult my intelligence, Joe,” Finn said, although he appeared more weary than angry. “You know exactly what I mean. You couldn’t even say his name.”
“No, I couldn’t.” Joe sighed and then ran a hand through his short hair. “I came into work figuring I’d have a peaceful day with you getting ready for this assignment, and instead I have Dead-eye ramming his wonderful new partner down my throat and find out he’s assigned to our mission. Sorry, but I’m only human, Finn. I thought I could pretend he didn’t exist, and I’m not going to be allowed to do that.”
Finn bowed his head and fell silent for a long moment. “I’m sorry,” he said at last, lifting his gaze to meet Joe’s. “I didn’t know they were assigned to us. I wouldn’t have put you in that position. I hope you know that.”
Joe stood up and crossed to Finn, laying his hands on Finn’s shoulders. “I know. It’s not your fault, and yeah, I realize this is on me. It’s my problem, not yours, okay? I’ll just have to learn to live with it, if I must. Just… I need some time, okay?” He didn’t want Finn to feel guilty. It was hard enough knowing that the nights Finn wasn’t with him, he was with Drew. Joe wasn’t going to mention that the second night after Finn had confessed his love, Joe had gotten drunker than he had since he’d been a plebe at the Naval Academy. He had spent most of the next morning hanging over a toilet.
“I love you, and I don’t want to keep hurting you.” Finn covered Joe’s hands with his own and watched Joe with troubled eyes. “It’s bad enough that I’ve caused you turmoil on a personal level. I don’t want it to affect you on a professional level, too. I said I’d pick you, and I meant it. I’ll break it off with Drew, and it’ll be just the two of us again.”
Finn had made the offer before, but Joe was a realist, and as much as he wished he could accept it, he couldn’t. “I won’t do that,” he said softly. “I appreciate it, but I know that doing it would make you unhappy, and I’m afraid I’d lose you in the long run. You’re not a one-man man, Finn. I understand that. I’ve always understood it. It’s just… this is different. Knowing that this guy means something to you. Knowing you love him. When you were just having hookups, it didn’t bother me, because there was no comparison between them and me, you know? I never had to wonder what they were giving you that I couldn’t. With him….” He shrugged, not knowing what to say.
“Meanwhile, I’m making you unhappy, and I’m afraid I’ll lose you in the long run, too,” Finn said.
“That won’t happen.” Joe might have some uncertainties about the situation, but wanting to be with Finn wasn’t one of them. “I’ve stuck by you for eight years, haven’t I? Yes, there’s a selfish part of me that wants you all for myself, but that’s on me, not you.”
“You sound sure right now,” Finn said, appearing unconvinced. “But things change. What if you can’t come to terms with so much as admitting he exists? I don’t want you to be miserable or to doubt yourself because of me.”
Joe sighed and then leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Finn’s. “I can’t predict the future. I wish I could. All I can say is that I’ll try. And the reason I will is because I would rather have half of your heart, Brian Finnegan, than all of anyone else’s in the whole world.”
“You have it,” Finn said, tightening his fingers around Joe’s. “There’s a place in my heart that’s yours alone, and if I lose you, no one else could ever fill it. Not even Drew. I know it’s hard for you to understand, but from my perspective, there’s no comparison between the two of you. You’re wondering what you lack that he doesn’t, but neither of you lack anything. I’m looking at what you both have.”
Finn’s words helped to soo
the a little bit of the ache in Joe’s heart, but he still couldn’t help but believe there was something didn’t have, or else he’d be everything Finn needed—the way Finn was everything he needed. “Thanks. It’s just… I guess it’s like what I asked you before, you know? What if I came to you and said I loved someone else, a stranger you didn’t know, had never met. How would it make you feel, Finn?”
“I know I’m asking a lot,” Finn said. “I know this is a huge adjustment, and I want you to take all the time you need. Just… if it turns out it’s too much, tell me. Meanwhile, do you want me to talk to Herc about getting Joker off the team?”
Joe felt a little guilty that he’d been trying to do exactly that. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s best to let him stay. I don’t want… Drew… to say I was unprofessional, but he needs to realize you and I are in charge. He may have been an XO, but he’s just a junior guard on this mission, and he’s still in training. If he fucks anything up, I’ll bust his chops the same as I would anyone else.”
Finn drew back and fixed Joe with a sardonic look. “Why do I get the feeling you’ll be putting everything he says and does under the microscope to find a reason to bust his chops? If things stay like they were today, Dead-eye, Thunder, Pixel—hell, probably everybody who works here—will notice. This may be a lowkey mission, but we still need to be a functional team.”
Joe released Finn’s hands and stepped away with a frown. “I told you, this was dropped on me all within five minutes of you showing up, Finn. I’m sorry I had a reaction to it. To him. You say you don’t want me to be unhappy, then you’re calling me on it when I am? And you accuse me of being ready to find a reason to dump on him? Maybe I’m the one who should ask
to be removed from the mission in that case, because you’re saying I can’t be a fair leader.”
“I’m sorry.” Finn rested his hand on Joe’s shoulder and stroked it soothingly. “I didn’t mean to sound accusatory. I don’t want this situation to be harder on you than it already is, and it seems like having him on the team adds an unnecessary layer of difficulty. I know you’re a fair leader. You don’t have to put up with him on the team just to prove your professionalism.”
