by A. M. Myers
I nod as my chest aches. “How expensive?”
“Like fifteen thousand dollars per cycle,” she whispers and I gasp before leaning back in my chair and dropping my head back as tears sting my eyes.
“So, it’s hopeless, then?”
“No,” she whispers, reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. Sitting up, I look at her. “You could… I don’t know… join a dating site or something. Ooh, or maybe an ad on craigslist.”
“For what?” I hiss, shaking my head as a tear falls down my cheek. “A baby daddy? I’m sure that will go over well as long as I don’t get murdered first.”
She shakes her head as tears fill her eyes again. “I’m so sorry, Piper. I didn’t know how expensive all this stuff was when I suggested it to you. Who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone and all of this will be a moot point.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoff, shaking my head as more tears fall down my cheeks. Pulling my hand out of her grasp, I prop my elbows up on the table and hide my face as a sob overwhelms me. God, I’m such an idiot. Why the hell did I ever walk away from everything? Closing my eyes, I can picture the life I could have had with Wyatt and it kills me to know that I was stupid enough to lose all that. I can imagine our boys who would have looked just like him and our girls who would have thought their daddy hung the moon and stars. I can imagine Friday movie night on the couch and Sunday dinners around the table and so much love that the void of it in my life, even if it is fictional, is soul crushing.
Eden’s arms wrap around me from behind but I can’t stop the aching sobs coming out of my mouth now as images of a life I left behind flash through my mind. It’s not something I do often, as a means of self-preservation, but as the tears fall, I imagine what Wyatt is doing now. The last time I saw him, he seemed happy and I can’t help but wonder if he went out and found everything he wanted out of life. Maybe, in the end, his life got better when I walked out of it. As much as it hurts, as much as I want to scream into the void to release some of this agony, I hope that is the case. I hope he met someone new, fell in love, and started the family he always wanted.
“Oh, God, I’m so sorry,” I say as I sit up and wipe at my eyes even though tears are still dripping down my cheeks. “It’s just been one of those days, you know?”
She hugs me tighter. “Sweetie, you don’t have to apologize to me. I understand and we’re not giving up, okay? We’ll find a way.”
Before I can respond to her, the alarm on my phone goes off and I whisper a curse as I remember my support group is tonight. I wiggle out of Eden’s arms and run to the kitchen to grab it off the counter. As I turn the alarm off, I wipe the tears from my face and pull a shaky breath into my lungs as I try to rein in my tears and turn toward her.
“I’m so sorry. I totally forgot my group is tonight.”
“Don’t even worry about it,” she says, brushing off my concern with a wave of her hand. “Say hi to Lillian for me and tell her we need to make plans for all three of us to get together soon.”
I nod as I close the distance between us and give her a hug. “I will.”
After I release her, she grabs her purse off of the table and waves good-bye before leaving. As soon as she’s gone, I rush upstairs and wash my face to try and combat some of the redness from crying before I put some mascara on and rush out of the apartment. I don’t particularly feel like going to my support group tonight but I’ve learned that nights like this one are when I need the group the most so I force myself to go. Truthfully, I’d much rather crawl under a blanket and eat a pint of chocolate ice cream but I know that’s not healthy.
Traffic isn’t bad as I make my way across town and my mind wanders to everything I learned today about having a baby and tears sting my eyes again but I force them back. I am not going to start crying again. I refuse. Shaking my head, I run through the figures Eden had written down and sigh. When I checked my bank account this afternoon, I had four hundred dollars in checking and twelve hundred in savings - not even half of what it would run me to try a cycle of IUI. It would take me, at least, six months to save up enough for the first round and there is still an eighty percent chance it wouldn’t even work and I don’t even want to think about how long I’d have to save for the IVF. Maybe, I just have to accept the fact that when I left Wyatt, I was walking away from more than just my husband.
I pull into the parking lot of the building where the support group is held and park in the front before staring up at the building. My chest aches and every cell in my body wants desperately to turn around and just go home. I can’t do this today - not when it feels like my entire body is a giant open wound and I have to walk through a salt mine - but maybe it will be better tomorrow. Or not. Who fucking knows anyway? Dr. Brewer always tells me that things will get easier with time and yeah, most days, I am okay but days like today when the magnitude of mistakes comes crashing down on me and the pain is so intense that I feel like I can’t breathe, it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it’s getting any better.
“Piper!” a voice calls and I take a deep breath as I turn to look at my friend, Lillian, forcing a smile to my face. Her face falls as she studies mine. “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t go in there today.”
“What happened?”
I shake my head because I do not want to talk about it but I already know that this is not going to slide with Lillian. We met at one of the worst times in my life and she has always had my back. Between her and Eden, I built myself a little family to lean on during the bad days and I am always so grateful for their presence in my life.
“You know what? I’m fucking starving. You wanna go grab some food?” she asks and I nod as relief rushes through me.
“I could eat.”
Grinning, she rounds the back of the car and slides into the passenger seat before buckling her seat belt. I back out of the parking space and glance back at the building to see Dr. Brewer frowning at me, her arms crossed over her chest, and her glasses slipping down her nose. She is going to chew me out when I go in for my next appointment but this feels right. I’m not in the right head space to go share all this fresh pain with the group but talking to one of my best friends about it is still better than hiding under the covers and wishing the rest of the world would go away.
“So, where are we going?”
I smile as I pull out onto the street. “I’m feeling nostalgic. How does Sunrise Diner sound?”
“Perfect. We haven’t been back there since…”
“I know,” I say, cutting her off with a nod. With the state I’m in, I’d rather not think about the last time I was at Sunrise Diner and instead focus on the security I always felt there.
“So… we gonna talk about what’s bugging you so much today?”
Sighing, I nod. “Eden suggested that I look into having a baby on my own last week and today, she brought over a bunch of information about my options.”
“Oh. It didn’t go well.”
“It did not,” I confirm, shaking my head. “Everything is so expensive that I would have to save for years and by then, who knows if I could even get pregnant.”
“Aw, babe. I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t any sort of consolation but you’ll always have me, no matter what happens.”
I smile as I glance over at her. “You know, that’s exactly what Eden said.”
“You know why?” she asks, her lips stretching into a smile that I know all too well and I laugh as I shake my head.
“Oh, no. Don’t you dare do it.”
She pats out a little beat on her thighs. “‘Cause we’re the three best friends that anybody could have… Come on, Pippy. Sing it with me.”
“Hell, no,” I say, giggling as she pats her legs harder and continues singing.
“We’re the three best friends that anyone could have. Wolfpack howl, Piper! Do it with me!”
She throws her head back and lets out a howl. Laughing, I tip my head back as I copy her, most of my stress melting away as we
pull into the parking lot of the Sunrise Diner. As I park the car, I turn to her and smile.
“Thanks, Lil. This is exactly what I needed.”
She smiles. “Anytime, girl. You know that.”
Chapter Five
Wyatt
“She’s fucking haunting me,” I whisper to myself, staring down at the divorce papers on top of my desk as they taunt me with their presence. Last I checked, those papers were stuffed into the bottom drawer of my desk so I wouldn’t have to look at them or think about them and yet, here they are, tormenting me and I can’t force myself to look away as an all too familiar pain pierces my chest and a memory from the day these showed up in the mail assaults me. I hadn’t heard from Piper in six years and I thought I was moving on with my life when a scrawny kid knocked on my door and told me I was served. The rest of that week is a blur because I don’t think I stopped drinking long enough to even begin to sober up until Storm came over and told me to get my shit together. I threw the papers in the desk and told myself I would deal with them later but later never came.
Staring at her signature at the bottom of the page, I blow out a breath and shake my head. How? Even after all these years, I don’t understand how could she take everything we had, everything we were starting to build together and just throw it all away on some fucking guy. I sink into the chair and lean my head back, running my hand over my face before I unlock my phone and pull up the email she sent me during that deployment that shook my world and ruined everything.
Wyatt,
This isn’t working for me anymore and I met someone new.
Take care of yourself.
Piper
I barely resist the urge to chuck my phone across the room and toss it onto the desk instead. Why the fuck do I even still have it? When I first got that email, I thought it was a joke and sent her an email back telling her she wasn’t funny but the next day, there was no reply and the day after that, still nothing. I lost my shit and three other guys had to drag me back to my rack where I spent the night imagining all sorts of scenarios where my wife had been kidnapped or something. The next day, I called my dad and asked him to go check in on her. He drove all night and when he got to our house in North Carolina, he found it empty and all her stuff gone. Truthfully, I still didn’t believe it. I knew there had to be some kind of explanation but when I came home from deployment six months later and walked into that house, it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. At first glance, it looked almost exactly like I left it but when I started going through things and noticed her clothes missing along with the few mementos that were most important to her, it really drove home the fact that she was gone. The thing that really took it over the top for me, though, was her wedding ring sitting on the kitchen table with a note that just said, “I’m sorry.”
As I stare at the papers, I swear I can feel her here with me, like she is just in the next room or standing over my shoulder with that sweet smile on her face and I shake my head. She is a ghost in my heart, pieces of her embedded in my soul that I’ll never be able to get rid of, and I have to wonder if all this dating I’m doing is pointless. Could I ever really find the kind of connection I had with Piper? Do people get more than one of those in a lifetime?
Glancing at my watch, I whisper a curse. My dinner date with Violet is in fifteen minutes and I was already running late when these damn papers caught my attention and now I’m stuck here, unable to pull myself away from her.
How fitting…
Can someone who is still alive even haunt you? She sure as hell feels like a ghost in this house and in my life but she is still very much alive. At least, I think she is. She sure as fuck was four years ago when she sent these papers. Shaking my head, I run my hand through my hair and drop my gaze to the bottom of the paper where I’m supposed to sign.
Jesus Christ.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why haven’t I ever gotten around to signing these damn things?
Standing up, I grab a pen off of the desk and position it above the dotted line as I read over the first page. My gaze gets stuck on Petition for Divorce printed at the top and I suck in a breath, my mind going back to the same question I’ve been asking for ten years. Why?
Just sign the goddamn papers, Landry.
Get this shit over with… finally.
My heart races as I lower the pen to the paper but before I can sign my name, my phone pings with an incoming text and I drop the pen like it’s on fire before grabbing my phone with a sigh.
Violet:
Running a little late but
on my way now
“Shit,” I hiss as I turn away from the papers and grab my keys off of the counter before turning back to glance at them one more time.
Whatever.
The goddamn papers are just going to have to wait until I get back.
As I leave the apartment and walk out to my bike, I try to push thoughts of Piper and our divorce out of my mind. It would be nice if I could go on one motherfucking date without thinking about my ex-wife first. Is that too much to ask?
Climbing on my bike, I start it and some of my stress melts away as the engine rumbles to life beneath me and I check the address of the steakhouse Violet wanted to meet at before pulling away from the curb. I don’t know much about Violet since we only talked long enough to realize that we both wanted to go out and get to know each other better but she seems cool and she’s fucking gorgeous, based on the photos she had on her profile. Hopefully, this one goes better than the last or I really will just delete that damn account and say “fuck it” on the whole wife and family thing. Like I said, maybe people don’t get more than one soul mate in their life and despite it all, I still believe Piper was that for me. But that doesn’t mean that everything will work out and you get the happily ever after. And it sure as hell doesn’t mean that I have to be miserable for the rest of my life… right?
Driving through the streets of downtown Baton Rouge with the wind in my hair, I imagine what my life might have been like if I’d never married Piper, if we had just drifted apart after graduation but the more I try to picture it, the harder and harder it is to see. What she and I had… there was no way we would have just drifted apart. Which leaves me wondering yet again, what the hell happened in that six months I was gone to make her throw everything away but I know I’ll never get the answers to those questions. She made damn sure of that when she walked out of my life with nothing more than a half explanation and a shitty ass apology.
As I pull into the parking lot of the steakhouse, I pull into a spot near the back of the lot away from other cars and push my ex-wife out of my mind once and for all. Or, at least, try to. Like I said, she’s fucking persistent and if I haven’t been able to accomplish it in the last ten years, I don’t know what it will take to finish the job. But I can attempt to forget about her for the next couple hours, at least, so I don’t ruin this date. Shoving my hands in my pockets, I walk across the lot and stop next to the front door of the steakhouse, leaning back against the building where Violet and I agreed to meet. As I wait, my mind drifts back to my last date and I blow out a breath as I shake my head. Maybe I should have taken a page out of Shiloh’s book and asked Violet what she was looking for before we ever agreed to meet. The last thing I want to do is have an amazing date and see a future with someone only to find out they aren’t looking for a relationship.
Sighing, my gaze wanders around the parking lot and when I still don’t see her or the red dress she told me she would be wearing, I pull my phone out of my pocket and check for another message from her but there are no notifications.
“Wyatt?”
My head jerks up and I blink in surprise as a leggy brunette walks toward me, her red sundress swishing back and forth with the sway of her hips and her dark hair tumbling over her shoulder. The red lipstick she’s wearing conjures up images of her on her knees in front of me and she flashes me a smile.
Fuck.
She’s gorgeous.<
br />
“You are Wyatt, aren’t you?” she asks, her voice a mixture of nerves and playfulness and I nod dumbly as I push off the wall and scoff at how completely hopeless I am.
“Yeah, I am. It’s really nice to meet you.”
“You, too,” she answers, her gaze raking over me slowly before she glances over at the door to the restaurant. “Shall we?”
Nodding, I close the distance between us and place my hand at the small of her back before leading her inside. We stop at the hostess stand and a teenage girl with braces smiles up at us.
“Name?”
“Landry,” I answer and she glances down, scanning her list for my reservation before nodding and grabbing two menus from the shelf behind her.
“Follow me, please.”
Violet peeks over her shoulder, a coy smile on her face and our eyes meet. A blush creeps up her cheeks as she turns away from me and my dick takes notice immediately. Okay, this is definitely going better than the last time. The hostess leads us to an intimate little table in the back and I smile, pulling Violet’s chair out for her before taking my own seat. After the hostess hands us the menus and promises to be back in a minute with a pitcher of water, I turn to Violet.
“So…” I mutter, my brain shorting out as I try to come up with something to say. She giggles and glances down at her menu before meeting my gaze again.
“I have this theory. You want to hear it?”
I nod. “Absolutely.”
“I think if something is awkward, like first dates,” she continues, motioning between us. “Then if you just say it’s awkward, you steal its power.”
“Ah, I see. So if I just say, ‘goddamn, first dates are awkward as hell’…”
She nods. “Then, viola, no more awkwardness.”
“You know what? I think it’s working,” I tell her with a laugh, feeling my body release some tension and she smiles as she leans forward and props her elbow on the table and resting her chin in her hand.
