Secret Remorse

by T N Lowe

  “Mom, what are you doing here?”

  “I was shopping for a dress for a state dinner this week I haven’t seen you in a few days and wanted to take you to dinner. Who are these from?” Mom asks as she smells the roses on my desk.

  “Sure dinner would be nice. The flowers are from Maks.”

  “The man from Friday night?”

  “Yeah, he came by Monday to apologize for his behavior.”

  “Wow, and he sent flowers?”

  “This is actually the second vase of flowers he sent. He sent a large vase of flowers to my house last night.”

  “Marry him,” Mom blurts. “Do you know how rare it is for a man to send flowers not once but twice?”

  “I do. I told Maks too.”

  “Maybe there is hope,” Mom says as we walk into the waiting elevator.

  ***

  “Hi pchelka,” Maks greets me when I answer my phone.

  “Hi Maks,” I say smiling.

  “How was your day?”

  “Ugh, frustrating. I spent all day writing if-then statements in Python. Then I went to test the program it seized up; it took me and two programs to read the code to find the sequence was out of order. Tomorrow I must change the program sequencing. How was your day?”

  “Exciting, we received an exhibit on loan from China of the Xia Dynasty, the oldest dynasty in China. I wish you were here to see it.”

  “I wish I was there too. When are you coming back to D.C?”

  “Umm, I’ll be there late next week.”

  “That sucks.”

  “It does. So, what are you wearing?”

  “Maks,” I admonish him with a giggle.

  “What you sounded sad, and now you don’t. But seriously what are you wearing?”

  “Jeans and a T-shirt; I just got home from work. What are you wearing?”

  “Basketball shorts, I ran and showered before calling you,” Maks answers. “I’ll let you go so you can eat. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Bye,” I say ending the call.

  I spend the rest of the night picturing Maks sitting on the couch in nothing but basketball shorts fresh from a shower. I shake my head, time for a shower before dinner.

  ***

  Two days later Dad calls, “Hi baby girl I need to ask a big favor.”

  “Anything Dad.”

  “Will you come with me to a state dinner? Your mother is sick and can’t make it.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Yes, at seven.”

  I look down at my watch it’s already four, “Um if I leave now, I should be ready in time.”

  “Thank you baby girl; I’ll pick you up at six. Love you.”

  “Love you too,” I reply ending the call. “Sarah,” I call out.

  “Yes?”

  “I need to leave. Is there anything on my calendar?”

  “No, you’re free.”

  “Thank you, Sarah. If anyone comes looking for me have them call me on my cell.”

  “Will do.”

  I leave the office hailing a cab to get home as fast as possible. Bolting through the front door, I shower quickly then pull my hair into a simple up do, add a light dusting of makeup before stepping into a plum column gown. Rummaging through my closet, I find a black clutch and black closed toe pumps giving me enough height, so the dress doesn’t drag on the ground. I clasp the buckle of the left shoe as Dad rings the doorbell. Racing downstairs I toss my ID, keys, and phone into my clutch then join Dad outside on the front porch.

  “You look great baby girl,” Dad says hugging me.

  “Thank you, you look good too.”

  “Let’s go, or we’ll be late.”

  Sliding into the back of the town car next to Dad I ask, “What is this dinner for?”

  “The Russian President is here for a visit; this dinner is for him and his wife.”

  After waiting in a hell of a long line of cars, Dad enters the State dining room with me on his arm. A man in an Air Force dress blue uniform shows us to our table where some of the other high ranking military members are sitting. Dad greets everyone by name and introduces me, then explains Mom is home sick and I was kind enough to fill in at the last minute.

  Taking my seat I scan the room to see if I know anyone. I spot Maks seated at a table with a young blond girl in her late teens, older women, and a man who has to be his father.

  Chapter Four

  Why didn’t Maks tell me he’s back in town and why is he here? Does his father know the Russian President or did Samuel invite him? Hopefully, I can ask him after dinner. Scanning the room, I see Lena and Patrick sitting at the head table with Samuel and who I guess is the Russian President and his wife.

  After everyone has taken their seats the doors are closed and Samuel stands taking the podium. “Good evening everyone. It is my great honor and privilege to welcome President Popov and his wife Yana. Our two countries have a long, tense history of being on opposite sides of the issues. This dinner is not only to welcome President Popov and his wife but also to celebrate our countries coming together, despite our past. Now please help me, welcome President and Mrs. Popov.” Everyone in the dining room claps as the two men shake hands.

  President Popov takes the podium in a heavy Russian accent address the room, “Thank you for the warm welcome Mr. President. My wife Yana and I are pleased to be here cultivating such an important friendship between our two countries. We too are hoping to learn from the past and move forward with a stronger alliance.” Everyone claps again as the two Presidents shake hands.

  “Please enjoy your dinner,” Samuel says before taking his seat.

  I make small talk with the Generals and Admirals at our table as dinner is being severed.

  “Shauna, your father was telling me you work at Kinsman Communication.” The man in an Air Force uniform says.

  “Yes, sir,” I reply. “I’m the lead app developer.”

  “What do you do?” A man in an Army uniform asks with a smile.

  “I help make and approve the games on your phone and Kins T.V.”

  “You’re the one responsible for my son playing on his phone rather than doing his homework,” an older lady asks.

  “Yes, ma’am guilty as charged,” I say with a laugh.

  After they have cleared the dessert dishes the orchestra begins playing, Dad leads me to the dance floor for a father-daughter dance. We share two songs before he kisses my cheek and tells me he has to work the room. I tell him to enjoy while I say hi to Lena and Patrick.

  “Hi, Shauna. I didn’t know you would be here tonight.” Lena greets me as I approach their table.

  “I was a last-minute replacement; Mom is sick with a nasty cold.”

  “That’s a shame, I know she loves coming to these dinners.”

  “She does. Anyway, how are you feeling? You look amazing.”

  “See, I told you,” Patrick says. “I told her the same thing before we left the house, but she won’t believe me.”

  “You are my husband; you have to tell me I’m pretty,” Lena says kissing Patrick on the cheek.

  Mrs. Popov laughs, “I remember feeling the same way when I was pregnant. Don’t worry those feeling don’t last long and it is more than worth it.”

  “Thank you,” Lena says with a glowing smile. “Sorry we are rude, Mrs. Popov this is my best friend, Shauna Daly. Shauna this is Mrs. Popov.”

  “Oh, please call me Yana. Shauna Daly? You are dating my nephew?”

  “Your nephew?” I ask confused.

  “Maks Volkov, he is my nephew. His mother is my sister.” Yana explains.

  “Oh yes, we started seeing each other recently,” I explain looking at Patrick and Lena for answers.

  “He is a good boy, but sometimes he doesn’t think before he speaks,” Yana says with a laugh.

  “I’ve noticed,” I say with a laugh.

  Yana turns to her husband and says something in hushed Russian. President Popov turns to me, “It is nice to meet you, Shauna
. I trust we will meet again.”

  “Tetya Yana,” a deep voice says from beside me as a strong arm circles my waist. “I see you met my girlfriend,” Maks says.

  Yana stands rounding the table hugging Maks and kissing his cheeks cooing to him in Russian. President Popov moves to embrace his nephew saying something to his in Russian as they look at me.

  Maks makes our excuses and pulls me to an empty corner, “What are you doing here?” Maks hisses.

  I shake my head pissed, “I told you my father is a Rear Admiral. He was invited; my mother is sick and couldn’t make it tonight. What the hell are you doing here? I thought you wouldn’t be back for a couple of weeks? Is everything you say a lie?” Turning I try to stomp off but Maks catches my arm and slams his lips down on mine forcing my lips apart with his tongue. I pull back and slap him, “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Kissing my girlfriend,” Maks states slowly.

  “Not until you answer my questions.”

  Maks keeps my hand in his playing with my fingers. “Sorry I did not call you. I was not sure I would make tonight’s dinner until we board the plane. My father wanted the whole family here to support my aunt and uncle. I never met to lie to you. I was going to call you first thing tomorrow.”

  “I’m telling you right now Maks Volkov; I dislike liars. If you can’t be honest with me, then this ends now.”

  “I am not a liar and would never purposely lie to you.”

  I study his face but see no sign he’s telling what I want to hear, “Okay.”

  “Now can I kiss my girlfriend?” Maks asks with a dazzling smile.

  “Now you ma-.” Maks presses his lips to mine before I finish talking sliding his tongue along the seam of my lips. Breaking the kiss Maks pants, “I would like you to meet my family.”

  “Then you can meet my dad,” I reply taking Maks' hand and following him across the dining room to his table.

  As we get closer to his table, my palms sweat, and my heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. “Do not worry they will love you,” Maks says kissing me on the temple.

  Maks stops at the table, “Mom, Dad this is my girlfriend, Shauna. Shauna these are my parents, Gennadi and Alla Volkov. These are my sisters and their husbands, Nika her husband Stas Petrov, Rozalina her fiancée Ioann Orlov, and my baby sister Lada.”

  “It is nice to meet you all.”

  “Oh it is very nice to meet the woman who has Maks tied in knots,” Stas says his Russian accent thicker than Maks. I blush at his statement and look up at Maks.

  “Stop embarrassing Shauna,” Maks breaks in.

  “Please sit,” Gennadi says.

  Sitting Alla says, “Shauna tell us about yourself,” her voice is soft but stern. I can tell she is trying to size me up, making sure I’m good enough for her baby boy.

  I chew on my lower lip then word vomit the first thing that comes to mind, “My father is a Rear Admiral at the Pentagon, my mother is sick, and I’m his date. I have three older brothers, one older sister, and a younger brother. I am the lead app developer at Kinsman Communication.” I look around the table Maks parents are still studying me, his sisters and their other half’s looks bored, but Lada seems star stuck.

  “Finally found a smart woman with a job,” Nika says with a laugh.

  Maks shots something back in Russian. Alla gives them both a mom look staying something in Russian making them both stop and look apologetic.

  “Let us visit your father,” Maks says helping me from my seat.

  Making our way to the Admiral’s table, I get nervous again. “Pchelka do not worry, it will be okay,” Maks says giving my hand a light squeeze.

  “Excuse me,” I say as Dad is laughing at a general’s joke. They turn to see me and Dad’s jaw ticks when he sees Maks. “Dad, this is Maks, my boyfriend.”

  Dad stands from the table, “You’re the one who made my little girl cry?”

  “Dad,” I admonish him.

  “Yes, sir,” Maks answers.

  “Don’t ever let it happen again or else,” Dad says extending his hand and shaking Maks' hand.

  Maks takes Dad hand and nods, “I want to make your daughter happy. Our first meeting was a poor representation of myself; it will not happen again.”

  “Good,” Dad replies and gestures for us to sit.

  ***

  “You are chipper,” Mom says the following Saturday at our weekly afternoon lunch at Fig & Olive in City Center.

  “I see it too, you’re glowing,” my sister Caitlann says.

  I sigh knowing they will not let this go, “Maks,” I say knowing this will drive them crazy.

  “Who’s Maks?” Caitlann asks.

  “Dad said he was quite the charmer at the State Dinner,” Mom says.

  “He was, I really like him,” I say blushing.

  “I’m happy for you baby girl,” Mom says rubbing my arm.

  “When do we get to meet this Maks?” Caitlann asks.

  “I don’t know we only started dating.”

  “Friday the whole family will finally be together for the annual gala, bring him with you,” Mom demands.

  “I’ll ask him tonight,” I reply biting into my F&O burger.

  ***

  “Kate Spade’s first,” Caitlann says. “You need a dress for your date tonight.”

  “I don’t need new dresses I have plenty,” I tell her and Mom.

  “Honey, when was the last time you bought a new one? Lena’s wedding?” Mom asks.

  “No. I wore one I already had.”

  “Exactly; you need to update your wardrobe, sweetie.”

  “Fine, two dresses.”

  Caitlann and Mom drag me into Kate Spade. Pulling dresses off the rack at an alarming rate; they hold them up trying to find the perfect dress for my date tonight. “This is stupid. None of these will look good on me, let’s go home,” I say turning to leave.

  “No, you don’t,” Caitlann says grabbing my arm. “Stay, we will find you the perfect dress for tonight.”

  “This isn’t me,” I say gesturing at the surrounding clothes. “I’m jeans and t-shirt girl, not dresses and ruffles.”

  “Sometimes you have to step outside your comfort zone to find things you like,” Mom tells me.

  Caitlann holds up a black minidress with red poppies, “This is the dress.”

  “It looks like they made it for a twelve year and it is too short,” I say pointing at the dress she’s holding. “My hoo-ha will hang out.”

  “This will look perfect on you and your vag is not going to hangout. It will show the perfect amount of leg driving your Maks crazy,” Caitlann says pushing me into the dressing room.

  Striping off my jeans and sweater I pull the dress on and slide my hands over the skirt. Glancing in the mirror I’m shocked how it showcases my curves.

  “Come show us,” Mom says.

  Opening the dressing room door Mom and Caitlann coo and fuss over me. “This dress was made for you,” Mom whispers in my ear as she kisses my cheek.

  “Maks will not know what hit him. Do you want me to help with your hair and makeup?” Caitlann asks.

  “Yes, please. I’m nervous; this will be our first real date.”

  “There is no need to be nervous, he will love you. Now go change so we can find dresses for Friday night,” Mom says hugging me.

  After changing and paying for the dress, we walk down the block to Bloomingdale’s. Mom and Caitlann quickly find dresses for the gala. I flip through the rack not seeing a single dress I like. Mom holds up one resembling a plaid sack; I shake my head. Caitlann flips through the dresses and holds up a mermaid gown. The top is solid black with bobbed sleeves while the skirt is decorated with large pink and red flowers. I nod, “It’s perfect.”

  ***

  “Okay sweetie go shower then I’ll help do your hair and makeup,” Caitlann says taking a seat on the couch and turning the TV on.

  Skipping upstairs to my bedroom, stripping quickly and step into t
he shower letting the hot spray wash away my fears and anxiety. Turning off the water and towel drying my skin the anxiety rears its ugly head again. Taking a deep breath and pulling my robe on I yell for Caitlann, “I’m done!”

  Walking into my bedroom, she points to the chair at the vanity table, “Have a seat.” Opening a drawer Caitlann finds a round brush and pulls it through my wet locks. Looking at me in the mirror she says, “Don’t worry he will love you,” then turns on the hairdryer. Satisfied with my hair Caitlann turns me in the chair picking up a makeup brush and telling me to close my eyes. “Is this necessary? I mean he’s already seen me without all this,” I say pointing to my face.

  “Yes, now stop talking.”

  “But I want him to like me not all this.”

  “I know you’ve had much luck with men. This is not to make him like you; this is to attempt to show him you are serious about getting to know him.”

  “What if I do all this and he still doesn’t want me?”

  “Then it’s his loss, and we’ll let the boys kick his ass,” Caitlann says making me giggle. “Now close your eyes and let me finish your makeup before he gets here.”

  “I can’t wear this,” I say pointing to the mini dress.

  “Why not? You look amazing in it.”

  “I can’t wear a bra, and my boobs are too big.”

  “Don’t worry I have the tape,” Caitlann says pulling a roll of tape from her purse.

  “Tape?”

  “It’s double sided tape to tape your girls into place. Trust me; I do it all the time. And these,” Caitlann says putting small flower stickers placing them on my nipples, “are pasties. They keep your nipples from showing through your dress.”

  Caitlann helps me into my dress being mindful of my hair and makeup. Leaving me to zip my knee-high black boots the doorbell rings, “I got it,” Caitlann yells.

  “Great,” I mutter to myself hurrying to join them. Rushing downstairs I overhear Caitlann telling Maks, “If you treat my sister less than the princess she is I will hunt you down and let our brothers beat you.”

  “Yes Ma’am,” Maks answers.

  I join them in the entryway, and Maks' eyes grow wide with surprise, and a Cheshire smile spreads across his face. Reaching his side, he pulls me close kissing me on the cheek, “You look amazing,” he whispers handing me thirteen red long stem roses.