Secret Remorse

by T N Lowe

  “Let me leave now, and I will let the girl live,” Gennadi screams at the men surrounding us.

  “Not going to happen,” CJ barks back.

  In answer, Gennadi pushes the gun further into my ribs and pulls the trigger. White hot pain fills my body as the hot bullet slices through my body. I gasp and scream in pain as Gennadi lets me crumble to the ground as he runs. Gunshots fill the air as Maks and Dad come to my aid.

  “Stay with me Shauna,” Maks says panic lacing his voice as he brushes the hair from my face.

  “You will be okay baby girl,” Dad says pressing down on the wound making me scream in pain. “Patrick, let the boys take care of Gennadi. We need an ambulance here now!”

  “I’m sorry Shauna. I love you, please stay with me,” Maks says kissing my forehead.

  ***

  Maks

  Shauna has been in surgery for three hours now, and we still have not received an update on her condition. Shauna’s father and brothers are huddled around her mother trying to comfort her. I pace the waiting room praying the love of my life will survive. While my father, is in recovery after having the bullet removed Manus put in him.

  I stop mid-pace as an older woman in blue scrubs enters the waiting room, “Shauna Daly’s family?”

  Riana and Connor shoot to her side, their sons and daughter filling in behind them. I stand in the background knowing her family does not want me here, but I have to know Shauna will be okay before I escort my father back to Moscow. “We are Shauna’s family,” Connor says.

  “The surgery went well with no complications. The bullet damaged her liver, penetrated her gallbladder and pancreas before lodging itself in her stomach. We fixed the damage to the liver, pancreas, and stomach and removed the gallbladder. She will need to rest for at least four weeks to allow her body to recover from the trauma,” the doctor explains.

  “Thank God she will be all right,” Riana cries into Connor’s chest.

  “When can we see her?” Connor asks.

  “After she has been moved into a private room, a member of the nursing staff will let you know.”

  “Thank you,” Connor replies rubbing Riana’s back trying to calm her.

  I want to drop to my knees and thank god for saving Shauna, but Gleb comes to my side. “They will discharge your father in two days.”

  “Thank you; please make the arrangements for us to Moscow. We leave as soon as he is discharged,” I tell him.

  “Yes, sir,” Gleb replies leaving me.

  “You can leave now,” Manus says.

  I take a deep breath and face Manus, “I’m not leaving until I can see Shauna and explain what happened.”

  “She doesn’t want to see you,” Manus spits back.

  “Then she can tell me herself,” I say through gritted teeth.

  “Know you are not wanted here,” Manus says,

  “Noted,” I say returning to my corner.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Shauna

  I wake up to my mother sitting in bed with me brushing my hair away from my face. ‘Hi Mom,” I croak.

  “Hi baby girl,” she says with tears in her eyes. “How are you feeling?”

  “I’ve been better,” I say my mouth and throat drier than Death Valley. “Can I have some water?”

  Dad stands from the chair he is sitting in and hands me a large cup of water. “Here you go baby girl.”

  “Thank you,” I say as I take the cup from Dad and take a large sip.

  “Not too fast, you will make yourself sick,” Mom warns.

  Setting the cup down on the bedside table the doctor enters the room, “How are you feeling this morning?” She asks looking at my chart on a tablet.

  “Like I’ve been cut in half,” I reply.

  The doctor laughs, “Sorry to say but you kind of were.”

  Mom moves off the bed and Dad steps into the hall. The doctor pulls the blanket down to my waist then pulls my hospital gown up to the incision site. “Everything looks good on the outside. But I’m going to order a CAT scan to make sure everything is okay on the inside. If you feel any pain when you eat or drink or have any blood in your stools, you need to tell someone right away,” the doctor tells me.

  “I will,” I reply.

  “Good, if all is well you should be able to go home by the end of the week,” the doctor says squeezing my shoulder before leaving us.

  “Please let me see Shauna, and if she doesn’t want to see me, then I will leave,” Maks says from the hallway.

  “You have two minutes. If you cause her any distress, I will have you removed. Understand?” Dad says.

  “I understand,” Maks says walking through the door.

  Dad pokes his head through the door, “Riana let’s give them a couple of minutes to talk. Shauna, we will be right outside.”

  I nod and look up a Maks, “What do you want?”

  Taking the seat next to me, Maks takes my hand, but I pull it from his grasp regretting the movement as pain radiates through my chest. “Shauna I need to tell you –“

  “No, you need to leave. At lunch you begged for my forgiveness, I told you I would give you a second chance and told you not to waste it. Well, you wasted it. You lied, kept secrets, and used me. There are no more chances, please leave.”

  “Shauna, please let me explain,” Maks pleads.

  “There is nothing to explain, you need to leave.”

  “I will leave, but you need to know I love you and will always love you,” Maks says then bends down placing a soft kiss on my forehead before leaving.

  ***

  “How are you doing?” Lena asks as we sit in my childhood bedroom as I hold Andrew. I was released from the hospital six days after I was admitted. Mom insisted I stay with her so she can look after me.

  “A little battered and bruised, but overall I’m okay.”

  “Have you talked to anyone?”

  “Yeah, Dad took me to speak to a friend of his who is a therapist.”

  “Good. Have you heard from Maks?”

  Tears fill my eyes at his name, hugging Andrew closer and breath in his sweet baby scent trying to keep the tears at bay. “Not since the hospital.”

  “I’m sorry honey,” Lena says as Andrew starts to fuss. “It’s time from his nap.”

  “Thanks for coming to see me. Seeing this little cutie always cheers me up,” I say handing Andrew back to Lena.

  As Lena is leaving Manus pulls into the driveway, “Hey sissy how are you doing?” Manus asks engulfing me a bear hug.

  Hugging him back I answer, “Better now that my favorite brother is here.”

  Manus’s booming laugh fills the courtyard, “You say that to all our brothers.”

  “I know, but you are my favorite now.”

  “How are you feeling?” Manus asks again setting me on my feet.

  “Like shit. My stomach hurts, and my heart is broken.”

  “The next time I see Maks I will kill him.”

  I shake my head not wanting to fight with Manus, “Will you go for a walk with me?”

  “Anything for you sissy.”

  As we walk the property, I ask, “How is your new team?”

  “The team is still grieving over the passing of their teammate, but they are starting to warm up to me. The coaching staff and trainers are tough, but they are pushing me to be better.”

  Walking along the fence at the front of the property Manus stiffens and curses, “Stay here” he demands. Stomping to the gate where Maks is standing looking tired and warn down but still handsome as ever.

  “You have some balls showing your face around here,” Manus yells.

  “I need to see Shauna and explain,” Maks says.

  “She already told you to leave her alone. Now leave,” Manus sneers.

  “I never meant to hurt Shauna. I do love her, and everything I did was for her,” Maks says his voice full of defeat.

  “You’re right I don’t believe you and it’s time for you to go,” Manus
tell Maks.

  “Tell me she’s okay,” Maks pleads.

  Manus looks at me, and I nod, “She’s fine.”

  Maks nods his head and pulls an envelope from his pocket, “Please give this to Shauna.”

  Manus takes the envelope, and Maks leaves his shoulders hunched in defeat. Walking back to my side Manus gives me the envelope, and we finish our walk.

  Back inside the house, I tell Manus I’m tired and going to lie down for a while. He nods and kisses me on the top of my head, “Love you.”

  “Love you too,” I reply walking upstairs to my room. Alone I tear open the envelope and read.

  Shauna,

  I know no matter what I say can make up for what happened, but I am sorrier than you will ever know. I love you so much and wanted to protect you from my father and all the bad in the world. I know I should have told you everything, but I was scared. I was scared you would leave me, and I can’t see my life without you, which is precisely what I’ve done by not telling you.

  I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I am begging you for it. I will wait for the end of time for you to see it in your heart to forgive me for keeping secrets from you. I promise if you forgive me I will keep nothing from you.

  I need you to know Gennadi will never hurt you again. After I left you in the hospital, I escorted him back to Moscow. With the help of my uncle and Samuel, he is now on the no-fly list.

  Patiently waiting for your forgiveness Zhizn moya.

  Love Maks

  Crumpling the letter to my chest, I throw myself on to the bed and cry. I cry for what happened, I weep for the heartbreak I feel, and I cry because I miss Maks. I want to forgive and take him back. I don’t know if I can trust him.

  ***

  Five weeks after being shot, the doctor finally released me to return to work and my normal routine. Mom was beside herself as I packed my things and went home. Leaving the elevator Sarah pulls me into her arms squeezing me tight it’s difficult to breathe. “Sarah, I’m okay.”

  “When Kegan told me what happened, I feared the worst,” Sarah cries. The cover story Kegan and Patrick approved was I had gall stones that required emergency surgery.

  “I promise I’m okay,” I say hugging Sarah tighter. Letting her go and we walk to my office, “What do I have planned for the day?”

  “You have a meeting with Kegan and the design team to develop a new app at ten.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Honey, this is your first day back you need to give yourself time to heal before diving back into a full schedule.”

  I take a deep breathe, “Thank you, Sarah, for always taking care of me.”

  “You’re welcome sweetheart,” Sarah says before giving me one last hug and sending me into my office.

  Opening the office door, I’m met with the overwhelming fragrance of flowers. Looking around, I see every flat surface is covered with vases of roses, carnations, hyacinths, orchids, tulips, daisies, sweat-peas, and forget me nots. Walking around my desk, I find a small white envelope. Their beauty reminded me of you. Maks.

  “Wow, someone is trying to makeup, big time,” Kegan says walking into my office.

  “Well, if he thinks a few flowers will make up for what he did, he’s got another thing coming.” Pressing the intercom button on my phone, “Sarah can you please have these flowers donated to a local hospital.”

  “Of course,” Sarah says

  “What can I do for you, uncle?”

  “Nothing, I wanted to check on you and escort you to our meeting with the design team.”

  Picking up my messenger bag I follow Kegan to the large conference room. Kegan takes a seat at the head of the table, and I sit opposite him as the design team fills in the rest of the chairs around the table. “Let’s get started now everyone is here,” Kegan starts. “Let me thank everyone for all your hard work on Gnome Treasures, the top ranking cellular game as of this morning.”

  The room erupts into cheers and clapping, as we cheer, Patty, Kegan’s assistant comes followed by two men carrying several large pizza boxes. The men set the boxes in the table’s middle before leaving with Patty. “Dig in and let’s come up with our next top ranking game,” Kegan announces.

  It takes us all the pizzas and four hours to come up with our next best-selling game. Over the next couple of weeks, we will design Pet Rescue. The basic concept is like Panda Pop. Rather saving baby pandas the player will rescue a dog, cat, gerbil, or a hamster from the bubble it is trapped in. In the following rounds the player pops the bubbles to win supplies to keep their pet happy and healthy food, water, toys or upgraded cages.

  After the design team is dismissed Kegan escorts me back to my office. Sitting around the small table, I ask, “Is there something else you wanted to tell me?”

  “Patrick wants to meet, he wants to add an ordering system for the Vory,” Kegan says nervously.

  “What? He is letting the Vory join The Family?” I shout.

  “He is,” Kegan answers moving back a little.

  “Great,” I mutter to myself. “Fan-fucking-tastic.”

  “Honey, you know I love you like you are one of my own children. Say the word and I will tell Patrick you aren’t able to work with the Vory. I know he will understand.”

  “It’s…” I stop swallowing back my tears and take a deep breath. “No- I still love him Kegan,” I say as my tears flow freely. “I’m not sure if I can trust him after what happened.”

  “I know, honey. No matter what you decide your parents, aunt and I are with you.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I love you, honey,” Kegan says standing and placing a kiss on the top of my head.

  “I love you too.”

  ***

  The rest of the week is full of design and creative planning meetings. Friday morning Kegan knocks on my door, “Grab your bag and coat, we’re going out.”

  “Oookay,” I answer studying Kegan.

  “Don’t be worried. It’s a good surprise I promise,” Kegan says with a laugh.

  Shaking my head, I follow Kegan into the elevator and down to a waiting town car. The driver moves us through the city to my favorite diner in the city. Looking through the window, I ask, “What are we doing here?”

  “We are meeting Patrick here.”

  “Why? We never talk Family business in public.”

  “I never said it was Family business,” Kegan says with a sly smile.

  “Whatever,” I mutter exiting the car and rush into the warm diner.

  Kegan follows me in laughing, “We’re over here,” Kegan says pointing to a back room.

  Entering the room I see Patrick, and Dad sitting with Maks. “What the fuck is going on?” I spit at Kegan.

  “Shauna,” Kegan warns.

  “Fuck this,” I say moving past Kegan.

  “Shauna, sit down,” Dad demands.

  “No, I have nothing to say to him,” I say pointing at Maks.

  Dad nods at Kegan; he then bends down and tosses me over his shoulder. Placing me in my seat, “Now be a good girl and do what you’re told,” Dad says.

  “How can you sit here and listen to his lies, Patrick? He was going to kill you and steal your wife,” I say.

  “Shauna, listen carefully,” Patrick says in a stern baritone voice. “Maks would never harm Lena or me. At the party, Maks told me everything. He told me how he met with you to pacify his father. Then he got to know you and fell in love with you. Maks would never harm Lena or me.”

  “And you believe him?” I ask.

  “Yes, and you want to know why?”

  “Why?” I huff.

  “Because he could have killed me instead, he told me the truth and pleaded for me to help you. He never once cared what would happen to himself, he only cared about your safety,” Patrick states.

  “What do you want?” I glare at Maks.

  “I want you,” Maks replies.

  “Why should I give you another chance?” I ask feeling the tears bu
rning my eyes.

  Maks nods at the other three men around the table, they nod back and leave us. “Because I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. These last six weeks have been the worst of my life. I will do anything for you to forgive me and come back. If you need time, I’ll give it to you. If you want me to grovel for the rest of our lives, I’ll do it. Please tell me there is a chance you will come back to me.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  Maks takes my hands in his, “You don’t have to give me an answer right now, think about it. Next week I officially become Pakhan, please come to my swearing-in ceremony.”

  I squeeze Maks hands and nod, “I’ll come, and I’ll give you my answer.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  As soon as I get home, I toss my purse and keys on the entryway table, plop down on the couch and fume. How the hell can he show up here and expect me to forgive him after I’ve told me to leave me alone? And the other men in my life, what the hell where they thinking and how can they forgive Maks so easily? The doorbell rings and I swear to god if it is Maks I will strangle him.

  Opening the door, I find Caitlann and Lena standing on my stoop. Entering my little town home they hug me tight. “We heard what happened and came to see how you are,” Lean says pulling away.

  “Thanks, but I’m okay.”

  “No, you’re not. Stop trying to brave and be honest,” Caitlann says.

  “If you’re not here to help me then leave,” I tell her.

  “You listen to me Shauna Daly; Maks Volkov will walk away from becoming a powerful man and will do anything to show you how sorry he is. Pull your head from of your ass, make him buy you everything from Tiffany’s and have great makeup sex. Because men like him are once in a lifetime. I would be the world’s worst sister if I let you walk away from him.”

  “She’s right,” Lena says. “I’ve seen the way Maks look at you; it’s the same way Patrick looks at me. If he loves you half as much as Patrick loves me it is the forever fairy tale kind of love. If there is a small chance you can forgive him, do it and be happy.”

  “But he lied,” is all I can say in my defense.