Beautifully Broken Control (The Sutter Lake Series Book 4)

by Catherine Cowles

  “Cain.”

  “Doc,” I greeted.

  “Haven’t heard from you in a couple of weeks. How are things?”

  And wasn’t that a loaded question? So loaded, I wasn’t exactly sure how to begin its answer. “Kennedy was in an accident.”

  The sounds of leather squeaking came across the line, and I saw Dr. Murphy in my mind, straightening in his chair behind the desk in his office. “Is she all right?”

  “I’m watching her teach ballet to about a dozen six-year-olds right now.” She was more than all right. She was perfect.

  Murphy sighed. “I’m glad to hear that. How’d you handle it?”

  I thought about it for a moment. There had been bone-deep panic for sure, but I hadn’t lost it. I didn’t tear apart a hospital room or require sedation. I made sure that Kennedy was taken care of. Safe. I hadn’t thrown that damn bike into my lake, even though I still wanted to. I was showing restraint. Maybe I could do this. “I slept with her.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them.

  Murphy chuckled. “Kennedy was in an accident, and you slept with her?”

  I rubbed a hand over my jaw. “Not right after she was in the accident, like a week later.” It had probably been too soon, but I hadn’t been able to hold myself back from her. Not for a moment longer.

  “Ah. That makes a bit more sense. And how is the relationship progressing?”

  “We’re finding our way. I’m trying to compromise.” But I knew there would always be the cloud of my past hanging over us. Things I wouldn’t—no, couldn’t—talk about. “She wants to know why I am the way I am.”

  “Why you’re fixated on her safety?”

  “Yes.” I watched as Kennedy led a line of little girls and one little boy across the floor in a series of jumps. The sheer joy on all their faces was something to behold.

  “And what did you tell her?”

  I focused back on Murphy’s voice. “She knows I lost someone. I just can’t give her more. I can’t go there.” I squeezed the back of my neck. “And that makes me feel like a grade-A asshole because she’s shared some pretty personal stuff with me.”

  Dr. Murphy was silent for a moment. “It may not feel like it. But this is progress.”

  I grunted in response. Claiming my victories in this area had never been my strong suit. Maybe because I still felt so weak. So out of control whenever memories of Kiara hit. There was nothing I hated more than that feeling.

  “It is. You’re letting someone new in. There’s a part of you that wants to share more with her.”

  “No, there’s not.” I couldn’t allow even the smallest piece of me to want that. Because if I let something slip, and I broke, I wasn’t sure I could climb back out of that hole.

  “Cain, there’s no rush. Keep Kiara off the table for now. Have you shared other parts of your life with Kennedy?”

  That vicious vise-grip on my chest eased a bit. “Yeah.” I told her about my company, the bullshit and betrayal I was dealing with, the project I was working on. I’d told her more about that than I’d told anyone else.

  “Good.” I could hear the smile in Dr. Murphy’s voice. “New assignment for the week.”

  I groaned. “Enough with the fucking assignments.”

  “Just bear with the torture a little longer. This week, I want you to mark the things that go right. You’re too focused on the negative. Try to pay attention to the positive. Write down three things every day that you’re thankful for.”

  “You sound like Kennedy.” She was in the process of hugging all her little dancers before they ran off to meet the parents who’d come to pick them up.

  “How so?”

  “She has this thing about gratitude. She has these jars, and she writes down things she’s grateful for each day and puts them in there.”

  “I like her already. Maybe you can make your own jar.”

  “Don’t push your luck, Doc.” I couldn’t exactly see myself painting and decorating a jar and putting it on my bookshelf.

  Murphy chuckled. “Fine. I’ll settle for you writing down three things a day. You can burn it after if you want.”

  Now there was an idea. Kennedy bent to grab her bag and rubbed her ribs where the bruising was. “I gotta go.”

  “Talk to you soon, Cain.”

  I didn’t even say goodbye, just hit end on my phone. I met Kennedy at the door, pulling it open. “You overdid it.”

  She looked up at me with a puzzled expression. “What are you talking about?”

  “I saw you rubbing your ribs. Do you want to go home and take a painkiller?”

  Kennedy’s puzzled expression melted into amusement, and she pushed up on her tiptoes and brushed her lips against mine. “I’m fine. I promise. I still want to go to the shelter for just a little bit.”

  I let out a growl of frustration, grabbed the bag from her shoulder, and started towards my SUV. “Fine.”

  “There’s no need to pout, grumpypants.”

  I froze, turning in place. “Did you just call me grumpypants?”

  Kennedy’s lips twitched, and her eyes danced. “I could call you Mr. Grumpypants if you’re feeling fancy.”

  I strode towards her, cupped her jaw, and pulled her to me for a hard kiss. “You’re going to pay for that later. That orgasm you want? I’m going to make you beg for it.”

  “We’ll see who’s begging,” she challenged, stepping out of my hold and giving my ass a little slap as she headed for my SUV.

  I shook my head and grinned up at the sky. The woman was going to kill me.

  “Kennedy, I’m so glad you’re all right.” Doug pulled Kenz into a hug that went on for far too long. My eyes narrowed on him until he released her.

  “I’m fine. I think I’ll be back to regularly scheduled volunteering by next week.”

  I pulled her back against me, wrapping an arm around her and pressing my lips to the crown of her head. Doug’s eyes narrowed at the action, and I grinned. Starting to get the picture, buddy?

  “Are you sure you’re okay? You got some scratches on your face.” Lizzie nibbled on her thumbnail as she spoke, and the fear in her voice had my chest clenching.

  I released my hold on Kennedy and crouched down so I’d be eye-level with the little girl. “I promise you, Kennedy is okay. You know when you fall down and scrape your knee when you’re playing?” Lizzie nodded. “That’s what happened to Kennedy.”

  Lizzie didn’t look like she completely believed me. “I think it would hurt lots more if you fell on your face.”

  Kennedy chuckled. “It wasn’t fun, but Cain’s been taking good care of me. He even made me the best mac and cheese I’ve ever tasted.”

  Lizzie’s eyes widened. “Ever?” Kennedy nodded, and Lizzie looked back to me. “Will you make me some?”

  I grinned. “I’d love to. How about next week?”

  Lizzie nodded enthusiastically.

  “Well, it’s about damn time.” Anna strode across the rec room floor and pulled Kennedy into a hug. “I’m so happy you’re okay.” There was a hitch in Anna’s voice as she spoke.

  Kennedy squeezed her back. “I’m feeling so much better, there’s no need to worry.” Anna released her. “Thank you so much for helping out at the Kettle while I was laid up.”

  I knew that having Anna take on some of her duties at the Kettle had made Kennedy feel less guilty for taking time off. Time that she had definitely needed.

  Anna smoothed out her apron. “No problem, girl. It actually worked out perfectly.” A smile stretched across her face. “Jensen offered me a job. Said she needs help with all of the baking.”

  Kennedy grinned. “I was hoping she might because we all know that isn’t exactly in my skill set.”

  Everyone laughed, but as Kennedy joined in, she winced. I’d had enough. “Baby, we need to get you home. You’ve had enough for one day.”

  She sighed. “Okay, you’re probably right. I’ll see you guys next week.”

  “Baby, huh?”
Anna smirked at us.

  Kennedy blushed. “Things might have changed since the last time I saw you.”

  “Oh, I just bet they have. Good for you. Get you some of that pretty boy.”

  I chuckled. “Why do I suddenly feel like a piece of meat?”

  Anna’s gaze flicked to me. “I don’t think you mind our girl here treating you like a piece of meat.”

  I shook my head. No, I didn’t. Lizzie was looking between us like she was trying to figure out exactly what was going on, but it was the look on Doug’s face that almost had me choking with laughter. He looked as if he were sucking on a lemon and had smelled something bad all at the same time.

  I wrapped an arm around Kennedy’s shoulders and guided her towards the doors. “Let’s get you home.”

  “We have to go pick up Chuck first. I left him at your place.”

  My steps faltered. When I’d said I wanted to get her home, I’d meant my home, the place that was quickly becoming ours in my mind. “You don’t want to stay at the lake house?”

  Kennedy rolled her lips together. “I’ve been at your place for almost two weeks. Don’t you think I should stay at my apartment tonight?”

  “No.” I didn’t want to spend a single night without her.

  Her lips quirked. “Cain, I can’t just move in with you. We haven’t even gone on a date.”

  “I’ll take you on a date, then.” Usually, my encounters with women had plenty of that. The best restaurants and wine, followed by five-star hotel rooms. None of that was Kennedy. I’d never even taken a woman I was romantically involved with to my home, and here I was, wanting nothing more than to move Kennedy in. It was too fast for her, but I saw that flicker of desire underneath. She didn’t want to leave.

  I brushed my lips across hers. “Let’s make a deal. Stay at my place tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll go to yours.”

  “We?”

  “Yes, we. I’m not spending the night without you.”

  A smile stretched across Kennedy’s face. “That sounds like a plan I can get behind.”

  33

  Kennedy

  I moaned as my phone rang again from where it sat on the nightstand and reached out a hand to grab it. It took a few tries for my fingers to find it.

  Cain cursed and rolled to his back. “Who the hell is calling at six in the morning?”

  I blinked sleep out of my eyes. “Jensen.” My stomach dropped. She wouldn’t be calling this early unless something was wrong. “Hello?”

  “Hey, I’m so sorry to wake you up.”

  I sat up in bed. “It’s okay. What’s wrong?”

  Jensen groaned. “There’s a gas leak at the Kettle.”

  “Ohmigosh, is everyone okay?”

  “Everyone’s fine. It smelled like crazy when I opened the back door, so I called Walker, and then the gas company. They’re here trying to figure out what happened. But it looks like there might have to be some repairs.”

  I looked over at Cain, who was wide-awake as soon as I’d asked if everyone was okay. I gave him a reassuring smile but continued talking to Jensen. “I’m so sorry. Can I do anything?”

  “Well, you’ll have a few days off, at least. Do you think you could stay with Cain for a while longer? It looks like the leak was centered under the apartment, so I think they’ll be doing the most work there.”

  It wasn’t exactly a hardship, having an excuse to stay with Cain longer. Chuck crawled up from the foot of the bed and laid his drooling face on Cain’s naked chest. Cain shook his head but scratched behind Chuck’s ears. “I don’t think that’ll be a problem.”

  Jensen laughed. “I didn’t think so. They said you can come pick up some of your belongings if you need to. Just give them another hour or so.”

  “That would be good.” Some things in that apartment were precious to me, and I didn’t want to lose them if something happened while they were making repairs.

  “Okay, see you in a bit.”

  “See you. Just text me if you need me for anything.”

  “Thanks, Kenz.”

  I hung up and turned back to Cain. “There was a gas leak at the Kettle.”

  Cain straightened. “What? How?”

  “I don’t know. Jensen just smelled it when she opened the back door this morning. There’s a crew at the shop assessing the situation, but I guess there’s something that needs to be repaired.”

  “You’re not staying there.”

  I rolled my eyes. “No, I’m not staying in an apartment that is leaking gas.”

  “Smartass.” Cain pulled me to him, sending Chuck back to the bottom of the bed. He nipped at my bottom lip. “Where are you staying, then?”

  “Hmmmm. I don’t know…Do you know anyone who might take me in?” I brushed my mouth against his. “I always pay my debts.”

  “Temptress.” Cain rolled his hips, his hard length sending a trail of sparks across my center.

  I straddled him, pulling my t-shirt over my head. We had an hour to kill, and this was a hell of a way to do it.

  I hopped out of Cain’s Range Rover as soon as he parked. My eyes were locked on Jensen, who was huddled talking to Tuck, Walker, and an older man I didn’t recognize. She nodded and rubbed at her temples before the older man walked away, heading back into the building.

  “J, are you okay?” I wrapped her in a big hug. “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.” There was a flicker of guilt at spending my morning wrapped up in Cain while my friend was worried and stressed.

  She squeezed me back. “Thank you. It’ll be fine. It shouldn’t take longer than a week to fix, so we won’t have to be closed long. It’s just so weird…”

  “What is?” Cain asked, coming up behind me.

  I released Jensen, and Cain wrapped an arm around me, pulling me to his side. I loved the feeling of his warmth. His comfort. Just the pressure of his body against mine gave me peace. I hated and loved it at the same time. Because what happened if he decided that small-town life wasn’t for him? I wasn’t for him? What if he left and took my peace with him? Or worse, what if all those things he locked away reared their ugly heads? What if he betrayed me just like everyone else I’d loved? I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts to focus on J.

  Tuck cleared his throat, a muscle in his cheek popping. “They found that a few of the pipe fittings on the gas lines under the apartment were loose.”

  I looked between Tuck and Jensen. “Is there a reason that’s weird?”

  Jensen glanced back at the building. “All of that stuff was redone when I renovated five years ago. I can’t imagine those guys being careless enough to leave pipe fittings loose. And I’d have thought we’d have a problem before now if that was the case.”

  Tuck reached out and grabbed J’s hand, tugging her to him. “We’ll figure it out. Maybe someone was messing around in there and screwed something up.”

  “Maybe…” Jensen’s eyes widened. “My deep-clean crew came in last night. Maybe they were wiping down the pipes and accidentally loosened something. Oh, God, Tuck, they could’ve been hurt.”

  Tuck rubbed a hand up and down J’s back. “Everything’s okay, Wilder. We’ll fix it and make sure nothing like this happens again.” His eyes met Cain’s and then Walker’s. They shared a look I couldn’t quite read.

  The older gentleman I’d seen earlier appeared in the doorway. “You can come in now and grab whatever you need.”

  Jensen straightened. “Go ahead, Kenz. I’m so sorry I’m kicking you out of your home.”

  Walker coughed. “I don’t think she or Cain mind too much.”

  My cheeks heated, and Cain smacked Walker upside the head. “Watch it.”

  “Come on.” I tugged on Cain’s hand. “I want to get my stuff.” We headed inside, side-stepping various crew members as they assessed pipes and took readings. As soon as we were safely in my apartment, I turned to face Cain. “What was that about?”

  “What was what about?” He seemed genuinely confused.

&nb
sp; “That look Tuck gave you and Walker when we were talking about what happened.”

  Cain’s jaw tightened. “You’re too observant for your own good.” I made a gesture for him to continue. Cain sighed. “A cleaning crew couldn’t accidentally loosen some fittings, not if they were installed correctly. They’re too tight.”

  My brows pulled together. “So, what do you think happened?”

  “I have no idea. It’s possible there was an error during installation, someone was lazy.” But something in Cain’s tone told me that he wasn’t totally convinced of that.

  I nodded. Hopefully, they’d find some answers when they made the repairs. “I just want to grab a few things.”

  “Here.” Cain laid the duffle bag he’d brought with him down on the bed.

  “I really just want my jars, a couple of books, and this.” I reached up to my bookshelf and pulled down the photo of Preston and me. That flare of familiar pain danced along my sternum. This had been the best day. Some girls at school had been picking on me, so Preston had decided I needed a break. We’d both skipped classes, and he’d taken me into the city to the Central Park Zoo. We’d walked around and talked for hours. About what was going on at school, and about things that were of no importance.

  No one had understood me better than my brother. But now…How could he not understand that I had to turn our father in, that I was trying to protect him? I knew, at his core, he wasn’t a greedy man. Sure, he enjoyed the privileges we’d grown up with, but he was also caring and incredibly generous. Tears stung the corners of my eyes.

  Cain wrapped an arm around me, pulling my back to his front. “Why do you keep it out?”

  “Why?”

  “Yeah. It hurts you to look at it. Why do you keep it out? In a place where you see it every day.”

  I traced Preston’s and my faces with my fingertip, both of us grinning so hugely in front of the polar bears. “Because I don’t want to forget that my brother loved me once. I don’t want to forget that I had this one magical relationship growing up, someone who laughed and teased, who supported and encouraged, someone who understood me. Just because it’s painful now, doesn’t mean I want to forget.”