Beautifully Broken Control (The Sutter Lake Series Book 4)

by Catherine Cowles

  That was the thing about starting over, about moving on. When you took a chance, knowing how much it could hurt when you lost someone, the risk was that much greater. The fall, when everything came apart, so much more painful. I rubbed at the place between my breasts. Even now, knowing how much this hurt, I missed Cain. I craved that feeling of safety, comfort, and peace that came when I was wrapped up in his arms.

  “I’m so sorry, Kenz. Give him some time to come around.” Jensen gave me a gentle smile. “I think this is the first time he’s attempted a real relationship since college. He needs to adjust to letting someone in.”

  I shook my head. I’d seen the ferocity with which he held onto his demons. The memories that haunted him. He’d never let me in there, and I was no longer sure we could make it work if he didn’t.

  I looked down at my still-full glass. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m up for wine, actually. I’m just going to go upstairs, take a long, hot shower, and try to get some sleep.”

  Jensen stood, pulling me to my feet and wrapping me in a hug. “I love you, Kenz. You have a family here. It’s me and Tuck and Noah and all of my nosy, intrusive, well-meaning relatives. You’re not alone.”

  I let out a hiccupped sob. “Thank you.”

  “Always.” She gave me one last squeeze and released me. “Get some sleep.”

  “I will.” I climbed the stairs, pulling open the door and pausing briefly as my hand hovered over the security system keypad. I’d have to deal with the reminder of him as long as I lived here, but I didn’t have to set the dang thing. Maybe I could hang a picture over it or something. I sighed, bending to scratch Chuck’s ears. He only raised a single eyelid. He was mad at me. He missed Cain, too. “Sorry, buddy.”

  I shuffled to the bathroom, stripping off my clothes and stepping under the hot spray. It didn’t matter that it had been in the eighties today, there was a chill in my bones that I couldn’t escape. I turned the water up to scalding. It still didn’t cure the cold.

  I turned off the tap, climbing out and toweling off. I pulled on pajamas and forced myself to blow-dry my hair. Waking up to a rat’s nest wouldn’t make anything better. I sighed and glanced at the time on my phone. 8:13. Maybe I could find a Tylenol PM to take and force sleep.

  Chuck barked from the other room and let out a low growl. Had I forgotten to feed him? I didn’t think so. I pushed open the door. “Bud, what’s with the barking?”

  A hand tugged sharply on my long hair, yanking me back into a solid chest as a hand covered my mouth. I was stunned into frozen silence for the briefest of moments before I began to thrash. I slammed my elbow back into the man’s gut, and he grunted.

  I raced for the door, but he caught my hair again, this time pulling it so hard I lost my footing and slammed into the wood slats of the floor. The world swam around me, everything a picture of rippled blurs. “Shit! Why’d you have to run? I didn’t want to have to hurt you.”

  I couldn’t see the face, but that voice. It didn’t make sense. He shouldn’t be here. My mind tried to put the pieces together, but before I could, I slipped away into a sea of black.

  40

  Cain

  “You’re being a dumb shit.”

  “Tuck,” Walker warned as he filled his coffee mug.

  Tuck cut his gaze towards Walker. “What? Someone needs to tell him the truth. He’s used to living surrounded by yes-men, we’re not that.”

  As Tuck and Walker continued bickering about how to handle me and the clusterfuck I’d made of my life, I reached for a donut. They’d shown up at my gate before six a.m., so they were damn lucky they’d brought food. I took a bite of the chocolate old fashioned. The taste barely registered.

  “Well?”

  I turned my attention from the pastry back to the guys at the sound of Tuck’s question. “Well, what?”

  He groaned. “Are you going to fix this? Jensen came home last night and wouldn’t stop talking about it. One minute, she was bitching about you being an asshole. The next, she was worried about your heart. I don’t like my woman upset, Cain. You need to fix this.”

  My lips gave the barest flicker of a twitch. The man who couldn’t get enough of different women was now fully dedicated to one. I was happy for him. I rubbed a spot on my chest where the slightest twinge had made itself known. Okay, maybe I was a little jealous, too. That sensation grew as Kennedy’s face flashed in my mind. I hadn’t slept more than a fitful hour or two last night, questions running through my head. Is she okay? Crying? Can she sleep? Will she try to make eggs without me in the morning? It was endless.

  I set my donut down on a plate. “I’m not sure it’s fixable.”

  “Why the hell not?” Tuck asked.

  The sweet cake turned sour in my gut. “I just…there’s too much I can’t talk about with her. And that’s not fair. She wants to know it all.”

  Walker pulled out a stool at the counter and sat. “I know that it’s not easy for you to go there, but Cain, it’s one difficult conversation for a lifetime of happiness.”

  But it wasn’t. The fucking cake had been evidence of that. There were a million and one things that had the potential to send me spinning back in time. Triggering memories I wanted to keep safely buried in the past. I knew what each of those things was, but no one else did. I couldn’t explain that to Walker and Tuck. They’d had their fair share of shit in their lives, but nothing that was their fault. “It’s not that simple.”

  Walker sighed, setting down his mug of coffee. “I get it. You know I do.” His gaze met mine in a hard stare, but even in that, there was an edge of sympathy. “It might be the hardest thing in the fucking world. But, man, if you get even a sliver of what I have with Taylor, that battle will be more than worth it.”

  His words sliced at my skin, barbs that dug in and tugged. Because he wasn’t wrong. When I tried to picture a life without Kennedy, it was empty and dull, a gray-scape. She painted my existence with the most vivid splashes of color. I’d lived too long with the gray. I wanted the color.

  Life with Kenz meant the simplest things being full of joy. There might be pain, but there was also laughter and love and so much passion, it scorched my skin. Was I really ready to numb everything, even the good, so that I didn’t have to remember the bad? The bad was still there. Haunting. Dogging my heels everywhere I went. Life with Kennedy just meant I’d have to expose it to the light. “I’m an idiot.”

  Tuck threw up his hands. “Praise, Jesus, he has a brain in there, after all.”

  Walker chuckled. “I knew he’d come around.”

  My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out.

  Dante: Found your boy trying to cross the border into Canada on a fake passport. Border Patrol has him and will be sending him back to the cops in Portland. Need anything else?

  I let out a breath. At least one problem had been solved.

  Me: Nope. Just send me a bill.

  Dante: I always do.

  I slipped my phone back into my pocket. My company was cleansed. I could start the next phase of programming without having to look over my shoulder. So why wasn’t I more relieved? Because everything was just a little empty without her. I wanted to build that headquarters here in Sutter Lake, but I wanted to do it with Kennedy by my side.

  I ran a hand through my hair and stood. I needed to fix this. And that could only be done face-to-face. If I had to haul every skeleton out of my closet, I would. Hell, I’d fly us to Portland and take her to Dr. Murphy with me if I had to. I just needed to make this right.

  Tuck’s brows drew together. “Where are you going? Don’t you want your donut?”

  “I need to fix this.”

  “That’s what I’ve been saying!”

  Before I could tell Tuck that he was an idiot, Walker’s phone rang out in the mostly silent kitchen. “Hey, Little J. What’s up?”

  The sounds from the other end of the line were so loud, Walker had to pull the phone away from his ear. “Slow down. What’s wrong?
”

  My body locked, but Tuck went absolutely wired. “What’s going on?”

  Walker held up a hand to silence him as his eyes hardened. “Okay. Everything’s going to be all right. We’re on our way. Stay where you are.”

  We were already moving. This brotherhood didn’t need to know exactly what had happened to show up for one another, we only had to know there was a need.

  As soon as Walker hung up, Tuck was on him. “What’s going on? Why didn’t Wilder call me?”

  Walker pulled the front door open. “Because I’m the deputy chief of police in this town, not you.” His gaze flicked to me. “Something happened to Kennedy.”

  My steps stuttered as we hit the stairs, my blood turning to ice. “What do you mean?”

  “Get in my truck.”

  I didn’t argue, I wanted to get to Kennedy as fast as I could, and Walker had a siren on his rig. We all piled in. “Talk.”

  Walker turned over his key, and the engine roared to life. I was already keying in commands on my phone to open my gate so we didn’t have to stop. “When J got to the Kettle, Kenz wasn’t waiting for her in the kitchen. She just figured she’d overslept because she’d been upset the night before.” My chest burned at his words. Upset because I’d hurt her. Caused her pain because I was a coward.

  Walker pressed down on the accelerator as soon as we cleared the gate. “But then she heard Chuck whimpering.” My gut twisted to the point of pain. “She went upstairs to check on them and found the door wide open. There’d been a struggle. Chuck’s hurt.” He paused, and I kept staring straight ahead, willing the truck to go faster. “Kennedy’s gone.”

  I didn’t say a word. Couldn’t. They wouldn’t form on my tongue. She was gone. Someone had hurt her. Because, yet again, I was selfish. I hadn’t been there, and now she was gone.

  My mind raced in circles, chasing down every possibility I could drum up, but I kept coming back to the same thing. It had to be something to do with her father. An angry past client, maybe. A family member of someone who had ended their life. I needed to get in touch with the agent who’d been in charge of that case. I searched the recesses of my brain for his name, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember it.

  “Cain. You hanging in there?” Tuck gripped my shoulder from the backseat. I gave a small jerk of my head. “We’re going to figure this out. We’ll find her.”

  We would. There was no other option. I would burn the world down around me until we did. And whoever had invaded Kennedy’s home. Scared her. Hurt her. Took her. I was going to rain hell down on them.

  Walker screeched to a stop behind a patrol car, and we all jumped out. Jensen was holding Kennedy’s dog in her arms, tears streaking down her face while Taylor rubbed a hand up and down her back. Taylor took Chuck from J as we approached, knowing Tuck would be on the warpath.

  He pulled Jensen into his arms. “Wilder, you’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

  Walker wrapped an arm around Taylor, pressing his lips to her hair. They had their women safe in their arms. Mine had never felt emptier. My skin burned with the memory of how Kennedy felt wrapped in my arms, flush against me.

  Taylor kissed the bottom of Walker’s jaw. “I’m going to take Chuck to the vet. We think he might’ve broken his leg.”

  Fuck. That would kill Kenz. That dog was like her child. I swallowed against the emotion building in my throat. “Take him to the best one. Here, let me give you my credit card.”

  Taylor shook her head. “No. I’ve got this. I’ll take care of this little guy.” Her voice hitched. “You just find Kennedy.”

  Emotion burned a fiery trail up my throat, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it in for long. Where was she? What was happening to her right at this very moment? Was she breathing? No. I wouldn’t go there. Couldn’t. I refused to think of a world without the light that was Kennedy.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. Unknown Number flashed across the screen. A chill skittered down my spine. I showed it to Walker, who was instantly on alert. “Step away from the crowd and answer.”

  We headed back towards his truck, and I hit accept. “Hello.”

  “Cain Hale.” The voice was one of those automated deals, and the ice was back in my blood. “We have Kennedy. If you’d like her returned to you breathing and unharmed, we’ll require payment. The details have been emailed to you. You have twelve hours.”

  The call ended. Twelve hours. Payment. My heart was at war with itself. Part of me was relieved. I had money. I could pay whatever they asked. But the other was stuck with the worst fear I’d ever felt. Because once I paid that ransom, what reason would they have to keep Kennedy alive?

  41

  Kennedy

  “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

  The curses were a drumbeat assault against my skull as if each one might cause the bones to fracture. The pain radiating out from my head seemed to make my entire body throb. I groaned and tried to roll over, away from the noise and the light and everything.

  “Kennedy. Kennedy, are you okay?”

  I groaned again. That voice. Why was he talking to me? And why did everything hurt?

  “Kennedy, open your eyes.”

  My lids fluttered, catching only snatches of images. A blurry figure standing over me. A man rubbing the side of his face. “Can’t. Hurts.” My voice was scratchy, my mouth felt like cotton. What had happened?

  “Shit. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—fuck!”

  I winced at the volume of his voice. “Doug. Quiet.” He stilled and, in that moment, so did I. I searched my memory. Glimpses flickered through my mind. Wine with Jensen. Going upstairs. Showering. Someone grabbing me. My eyes flew open, and I tried to scramble away, but the movements were jerky at best because my hands and feet were tied with rope. My head jerked as I tried to take in my surroundings.

  The movements turned the dull pain into sharp ice picks. I was on a bed. That knowledge alone had my stomach roiling. But my clothes were still in place. I wasn’t sore in that way. I swallowed against the dryness in my throat as I took in the man I’d trusted, one who I’d thought had nothing but good in him.

  Doug held up both hands. “I’m not going to hurt you. I mean, I didn’t mean to hurt you—shit. I’m sorry, Kennedy.”

  “What’s going on? Why am I here?” My voice was barely audible. Still raspy.

  He reached for a bottle of water on a nightstand. “Here, drink some of this.” I shook my head. How would I know if he’d drugged it? Doug seemed to guess my train of thought and took a sip himself. “It’s fine, I promise.”

  I hated the idea of drinking after him, but I was desperate. My throat felt as if I’d gone days without water. I nodded, and Doug helped me take a few sips. The liquid felt like heaven. “How long have I been here?”

  He sat in a chair near the bed. “Just since last night.”

  “Why am I here?” It was always the why that mattered most, and nothing I could think of was good.

  Doug picked at the label on the bottle of water. “You won’t be here long. As soon as we get the money, we’ll be gone, and then we’ll send the police your location.”

  My stomach pitched. Money. As soon as he got the money. Was this about my father? “Doug, I don’t have any money.” Panic started to set in. If he’d made a demand of my family, they sure as hell weren’t going to pay any ransom for me. My brother would probably tell them to go ahead and kill me.

  Doug’s grip on the bottle tightened as his mouth pulled into a thin line. “Not you. Your boyfriend.” He said the term as if it were a dirty word.

  Cain. He’d made the demand of Cain. A man who’d sent me packing less than twenty-four hours ago. A man who wanted nothing to do with me. But he was a good man. He’d probably pay them anyway, and then I’d owe him even more than I already did. “We’re not together anymore.”

  Surprise flickered in Doug’s eyes, maybe even hope, before he shut it down. “It doesn’t matter. He’ll pay.”

  Te
ars burned the back of my throat. “Why?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking the question again. I never could wrap my head around people’s desperate need for more. How someone could hurt another human just to raise themselves up.

  Doug didn’t meet my eyes. He was weak, unable to look at the truth of what he’d done. “I got an offer that was too good to say no to.” His gaze flicked up for a brief moment. “No one’s going to get hurt.”

  I let out an ugly laugh, the action sending shooting pains through my head and down my spine. “No one’s going to get hurt? What about stealing money from someone who’s worked hard for it? What about me? Do you really think whoever you’re working with is just going to let me ride off into the sunset after seeing your face? They’re going to kill me.” My voice hitched on the word because it wasn’t until that moment that I knew my fate. There was no way these people, whoever they were, would just let me go.

  Doug’s face hardened. “Cain has more money than he deserves. It’s not like he’s going to miss a few million. And no one’s going to hurt you. I made them promise.”

  I wanted to laugh. He’d made them promise. Like the word of a kidnapper and extortionist could be trusted. We were both going to end up dead. As soon as whoever this was got their money, we were done for. Tears filled my eyes. It wasn’t even about being scared of the pain that was surely coming. It was about what was being stolen from me. The possibility of life that was mine and mine alone. One that I could shape into whatever I wanted it to be. One where I shared a moment in time with a beautifully broken man, even if I didn’t get to keep him. I’d always take those beautiful moments, despite the pain they left in their wake. I’d hold on to their memory as long as I could.

  “Please.” I sat up, inching towards Doug. “Please, don’t do this. Whoever is in charge is going to kill us both. You have to let me go.”

  The bedroom door swung open. “Really, Kennedy. Stop being so dramatic.”