Loving Violet (Rockers' Legacy Book 4)

by Terri Anne Browning

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I dropped down on the couch and scrubbed my hands over my face. “I’ll survive this,” I muttered to the empty room. “This is for her. She needs me.”

  I just needed to keep reminding myself of that, and maybe I’d make it through this hell without fucking up.

  --

  I must have fallen asleep on the couch, because the next thing I knew, Shaw was standing over me with her hands on her hips and a deep scowl on her face.

  “What the fuck are you doing here?” she snarled.

  “Fuck,” I groaned and sat up. “What time is it?”

  “A little after six.”

  “In the morning?” I jumped to my feet and picked up my phone from the coffee table. The coffee mugs and tray were gone, so I figured the housekeeper had taken everything to the kitchen. Seeing it was 6:10 in the morning, I headed for the stairs, needing to check on Violet.

  Shaw followed close on my heels. “What are you doing here, Luca?” she hissed behind me. “She just lost her husband. The last thing she needs right now is for you to be here messing with her head.”

  “I’ve already explained myself twice,” I growled at her over my shoulder. “I’m not really in the mood to do it again. Maybe later.” Seeing Jenner was still standing outside the guest room door, I relaxed a little.

  “She’s been sleeping soundly,” he informed me. “Krush hasn’t left her once.”

  “Good.” I glanced at Shaw then blew out a frustrated sigh. “Go to bed, Jenner. The funeral is tomorrow, and I don’t know how crazy things will be.”

  He inclined his head, and Shaw just stood there with her mouth hanging open as he did as I instructed. Ignoring her, I pushed the bedroom door open and crossed to the bed to check on Violet.

  Krush lifted his head and grunted at me as I reached them. “Shh,” I ordered and bent to check on Violet without turning on the lamp. Her eyes were still closed, but I could tell from her breathing that she wasn’t asleep. I kissed her cheek, and she lifted her lashes. Confusion filled her gaze.

  “Luca?” I nodded and stroked a hand over her hair. “I-it wasn’t a dream?”

  “No, baby,” I murmured. “I’m sorry.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and she turned away from me. “Go away,” she sobbed. “Leave me alone.”

  “I told you she wouldn’t want to see you,” Shaw snipped at me as she crawled into bed with Violet.

  “Shaw?” she whimpered.

  “I’m here.” Wrapping her arms around Violet, she kissed her forehead. “It’s okay, Vi. I’m here.”

  “I-it’s not okay,” she cried. “Remi is gone. H-he left me.”

  Clenching my jaw because the sounds leaving her were cracking my heart wide open, I bent and lifted Violet enough so that I could climb in behind her. She turned, her hands already slapping at my chest, but I trapped them between us.

  “He didn’t leave you on purpose,” I told her as I rocked her in my arms. “He loved you and never would have just left you behind, Violet. Don’t be mad at him.”

  “I’m not mad,” she sobbed. “I’m… I’m…”

  “Mad.” I heard Shaw sniffling on the other side of the bed, and I reached out a hand to pull her against Violet’s back, offering her comfort as I took care of the broken girl in my arms. “It’s okay to be mad. It’s not fair. I get that. But don’t be pissed at him, Vi. He did everything he could to make sure you were taken care of.”

  “Why did he have to die, though?” she demanded, her anger only growing. “Why did he have to be taken from me when our life together was only just getting started? It’s not fair. We were supposed to grow old together. He… He… He should have at least gotten to hold his daughter. But he didn’t. Not once.”

  Her stomach was pressed up against mine, and I felt the baby kicking up a storm. I didn’t speak as she continued to demand to know why. There wasn’t an answer for that particular question that would ever satisfy her, so I kept my mouth shut and just held her while she got it all out—for now.

  Her anger was easier for me to handle than her tears, and I let her yell and curse and just be mad. I wasn’t the cause of her anger, even though she was taking it out on me. But I would rather be her verbal or even physical punching bag than have her keep everything bottled up inside until she exploded and ended up hurting herself from it.

  Shaw stayed behind her, offering her support by just rubbing Violet’s back. I wasn’t even sure Vi felt her touch because she was too focused on yelling at me.

  Eventually, her voice began to give out, and she started to cry again. I tucked her head under my chin and held her, refusing to let her go when she tried to pull free. After a while, her breathing evened out once again, and she fell asleep against me.

  Cautiously, Shaw lifted her head and met my gaze. The drapes were slightly open, providing just enough light to see each other. “That was brutal,” she whispered. “How did you take all of that and not crack?”

  I shook my head, not wanting to speak in case the sound of my voice disturbed Violet. I took it because it was what she needed. For someone to let her spew her anger at them. I couldn’t even remember what she’d said, but I knew she didn’t mean any of it. They were just words and not what was really in her kind heart.

  “I think I’m going to take a shower,” Shaw muttered. “You seem to have everything under control.” I nodded, letting her know I did. “But I’m not going anywhere. I’ll just stay in one of the other guest rooms. Help take care of Krush while she’s out of it.”

  Again, I nodded, not caring if she stayed or went. But I wasn’t going anywhere.

  Chapter 46

  Luca

  I stared down at the salted caramel covered fries and then looked at the housekeeper. “I know he said this was one of her favorite things to eat, but damn, this looks nasty.”

  Mrs. Briggs gave me a small smile. “It is one of her favorites. She craves sweet and salty. I’ve made this for her many, many times over the last few months.”

  “But it looks like—” I broke off, not wanting to say it aloud to this grandmotherly woman. She was what I imagined most grandmothers looked like, not like my own mom or Aunt Lana or Aunt Emmie. Her hair was liberally sprinkled with gray, and she wore huge glasses that took up most of her wrinkled face.

  “Never mind what it looks like,” she said, pushing the plate closer to me. “Take it up to her and tempt her to eat.” She placed a glass of fizzy lemon-lime soda beside the plate. “And make sure she drinks all of this. I don’t know when she last drank anything.”

  I placed both on a tray and picked it up. “Wish me luck.”

  Upstairs, I found Violet in the fetal position with Krush pressed up against her back. She was weeping silently but gave an angry grunt when I turned on the overhead light as I walked in.

  Seeing me, she rolled over and wrapped her arms around her dog. “Go away.”

  “Not happening, baby.” I crossed to the bed and placed the tray on the nightstand before arranging the extra pillows against the headboard. Then I bent and lifted her until she was resting back against the pillows. She swatted at my hands when I brushed her hair back from her face then glared at me after I pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

  Picking up the tray once more, I placed it over her lap. “Eat.”

  “I’m not hungry,” she seethed.

  “Then at least drink,” I urged.

  “I’m not thirsty either.”

  Swallowing a curse, I grasped her chin between my thumb and index finger and tilted her head back until she met my gaze. “Drink. I’m not playing around. With as much as you’ve been crying and not replacing the fluids, you’re probably already dehydrated. You’re going to start cramping, and the baby isn’t going to like that.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Dehydration could make you feel like you’re in labor. It’s in one of those pregnancy books Remington sent me months ago.” I picked up the glass and touched the rim to her bottom li
p.

  “You read pregnancy books?” she asked, seeming dazed at the thought.

  “Yeah.” When she took the glass from me and sipped from it, I relaxed a little.

  Once a third of the glass was gone, she set it on the tray and picked up a fry smothered in salted caramel sauce and began to nibble on it. “I’m so confused,” she said, her brows pinching together.

  “About what, baby?” I asked as I sat on the edge of the bed.

  “I think I get why Remi wanted you to take care of me. He loved me so much and just wanted to make sure I was okay after he was gone.” She stuffed another fry into her mouth and licked her fingers. After chewing, she leaned forward. “But why would you agree?”

  I reached out and tucked a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear so she didn’t get caramel sauce in it. “When you’re really ready to hear that answer, I’ll tell you. Until then, just accept that I’m not going anywhere.”

  Her curious stare turned into a glare, and she sat back with a huff that rivaled Krush’s. Hiding my smile, I reached over and scratched the dog’s back. “Either you’re teaching your momma bad things, or you learned it from her.” He gave the same huff Violet had and moved his head so he was touching her.

  She picked up a fry not covered in sauce and fed it to him before taking another drink of her soda. Once the glass was empty and her plate was nearly clean of everything, including extra sauce, she pushed the tray off her lap and moved to the edge of the bed. “I need to pee,” she grumbled as she stood and rushed toward the bathroom.

  I waited until I heard her flush the toilet before taking the tray downstairs. Shaw was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in, an untouched sandwich in front of her. Seeing me, she pushed her food away and stood. “How is she?”

  “She ate and drank a little something for me.”

  “Thank goodness,” she breathed before texting someone. “Aunt Harper has been so worried.”

  I moved to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. “I know I’ve fucked up a lot in my lifetime, but I swear I’m not going to with this.”

  She lifted her gaze from her phone and stared at me for a long moment before nodding. “I know that, Luca. I can see the sincerity in your eyes. But she’s my best friend, and as much as I trust you to take care of her, I can’t stop worrying about her.”

  “Yeah, I get that.” Taking a drink of my water, I turned to go back to Violet. At the kitchen door, I paused and glanced back at her. “Shaw?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I still love her,” I confessed. “I’ve never stopped. But I’m not here to try to win her back. I’m here because she needs me. Maybe one day, when she’s over Remington, I’ll be able to try. But for now, I want you to know I’m not here for myself.”

  Before she could reply, I kept walking. Back in Violet’s room, I found her sitting at the end of the bed, stroking Krush’s back as she stared off into space. Her other hand was on her belly, and I could see the baby kicking through the material of her shirt.

  Shutting the door behind me, I crossed to the bed and sat beside her. It was only when my shoulder brushed against hers that she seemed to snap out of her own head. As she looked up at me, her chin began to tremble. “I miss him,” she said, touching her hand to her chest. “My heart hurts so bad, Luca.”

  Putting an arm around her, I tucked her against me and kissed the top of her head. “I know, babe.”

  “What am I supposed to do now?” she asked in a tiny voice. “I know what he told me to do, but how do I do that when it feels like I’m wading through quicksand?”

  “You do whatever feels right,” I told her. “Whatever you decide, whatever you need to do, just say the word, and I’ll make it happen. If that means staying in this room until you feel like you can face the world, that’s okay. If it means running away to wherever you think you need to hide, that’s all right too. But you don’t have to do it alone. I’m here, and I’ll be beside you every step of the way, for as long as you need me.” I pressed my lips to the top of her head again, needing to comfort her—and myself. “So, when you feel like you’re trekking through quicksand, I can lift you out of it and carry you to the other side.”

  “P-promise?”

  Clenching my eyes shut to hide my tears, I whispered, “I promise you, Vi.”

  Chapter 47

  Luca

  I thought since Remington took care of his own funeral arrangements in advance, getting Violet through the event wouldn’t be too hard. But I was wrong.

  From the moment we arrived, she’d been quiet, and I knew it was because she didn’t want her parents to see just how shattered she was. Shaw and I stayed beside her during the whole thing, but at the graveside service, I could tell she was about to drop. She was sitting in one of the chairs in front of the grave with her mother on one side and Shaw on the other as the minister gave the last prayer, but her head wasn’t bowed, and her eyes were glued to the casket as it was slowly lowered into the ground.

  I stood behind her, watching as her entire body began to tremble, and I knew it was game over.

  As she started to slump forward, I caught her and lifted her into my arms. I held her until the minister finished and then turned and walked toward the waiting limo where Jenner was standing. With her still in my arms, I slid into the back seat, and her head fell listlessly onto my shoulder.

  “You have to stop scaring me like that, babe,” I murmured as I kissed her forehead. “I thought you were going to fall into the grave.”

  “You should have let me,” she whispered, but her arms tightened around me, and silent tears began to roll down her beautiful face.

  We weren’t back at her house ten minutes before her parents and the rest of the family started arriving. I’d seated Violet on the couch in the living room in anticipation of them coming, but I promised myself I wouldn’t let them stay longer than an hour or two before I kicked them out so she could relax.

  Thirty minutes after Aunt Emmie’s arrival, a catering company walked through the door and started setting up. I gritted my teeth, knowing she meant well, but Violet needed time to decompress after the stress of the day.

  Ready to have it out with Aunt Emmie even though she scared the living hell out of me at times, I stomped into the living room to confront her, only to find Violet was no longer on the couch.

  “Where is she?” I asked Shaw, who was having a whispered conversation with Jagger and Mia on the opposite couch.

  Shaw frowned then glanced at the spot where Violet had been tucked in with a soft blanket over her lap and a glass of juice earlier. “She said something about needing the bathroom. I didn’t think. I should have gone with her.”

  She started to stand, but I stopped her. “I’ll check on her.”

  I stuck my head in the two guest bathrooms downstairs but didn’t find her, so I started looking on the second floor. After checking the bedroom she’d been sleeping in the last few nights and still coming up with nothing, my gut clenched with the realization of where she must be.

  I heard her sobs before I even got to the closed master bedroom door. The sounds alone ripped me apart, but I swallowed the lump filling my throat and opened the door. As I stepped into the room, I saw Violet on the far side of the bed. She was on her knees as she pressed her face into the mattress, crying so hard her entire body shook from the force.

  Closing the door behind me, I ran across the room and tried to lift her.

  “No,” she screamed, struggling against me. “I can’t leave him. Don’t make me. Please.”

  “Baby, he’s already gone,” I tried to remind her. “We buried him today.”

  “No,” she denied vehemently and shoved at my chest. “He’s right here.” She glanced down at the bed and saw it was empty and began to crumple. “I just saw him. He was…right there…”

  While she was distracted, I lifted her and carried her from the room. Once I had her in the guest room where she’d been sleeping, I shut and locked the door
before tucking her into bed. My shirt was soaked from all the tears she’d cried in the short time it had taken to get her from one room to the other, but I barely noticed as I slid in behind her and pulled her head to my chest.

  “I-I’m going crazy,” she rasped out a long while later when her shaking finally subsided. “I saw him. He was just lying there on our bed. Sleeping. He looked so peaceful.”

  “You’re not going crazy, Vi. It was just your grief making your head play tricks on you.” I brushed her hair back from her damp face. “Maybe it was your subconscious telling you he was at peace and that it was okay to let him go.”

  “I don’t want to let him go,” she whispered. “I love him so much.”

  It stung so bad to hear her say that, but I pushed it down and cupped her face. “I know, babe. No one is saying you don’t. But it’s not healthy to hold on to a ghost. You have to let him be at peace, or he’s going to haunt you.”

  She snorted at that. “You believe in ghosts now, Luca?”

  “No,” I said with a grim smile. “But that doesn’t mean his memory won’t haunt you until you really do go crazy. Let him go. Give yourself a little peace.”

  “I can’t.” She pushed away from me and sat up. Placing both her hands on her belly, she rubbed them over the baby bump. “This little girl will never know how much her daddy loved her. I can’t let him go because I need to hold on to every memory we made together so I won’t forget and can tell her all about him.”

  “Letting him go doesn’t mean you have to forget about your time with him.” I tried to reassure her. “And it doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him. But you can’t stay locked in the past, Violet. Not when your baby girl needs you to move forward with the present and the future.”

  Her purple eyes were full of confusion and so much pain, my heart clenched as she looked down at me. “I know she deserves that, but it’s so hard. It hurts to breathe right now. Like my heart isn’t even in my chest anymore.”