Forever and Never

by Ella Fields

  Kind of. Okay, not really.

  And yes, when.

  For she would. She couldn’t kiss me like that, like she’d woken to find sunrise when she’d expected more dark, and then pretend she didn’t want me. Not now. Not ever.

  A bang on the door had my eyes flinging open, and I straightened, stepping fully under the spray. “You’re up early. Want some oatmeal?”

  I blew water from my face, then scrubbed my hands down it. “Sure, Ma.”

  I finished washing and toweled off before trudging to my room and tugging on a pair of sweats, then I followed the scent of tobacco to the kitchen.

  Mom stood bent over the pot, stirring as she lifted a cigarette to her mouth. I’d kill for one right now, but even though she knew I smoked, I didn’t like to take hers. I had my own. I just didn’t know where I’d left them.

  “You went out last night?”

  “Yeah, there was a party at the bay,” I said through a yawn and unlocked my phone to find seven messages. Mostly from chicks, and one from Dash, asking where I was at. It was sent during the party, so I ignored it and the rest, locking the screen.

  “I didn’t have time to run to the store,” she said, setting a steaming bowl down in front of me.

  Didn’t have time to run to the store usually meant she’d run out of money.

  “Thanks. Don’t worry about it. I’ll grab some stuff after work.”

  Mom hadn’t wanted me to get a job. She’d rather I concentrated on school and getting into one of the best colleges. I’d gotten one at the start of the year, working three days a week at the local mechanic, and didn’t tell her.

  She’d found out a week ago, and the tension from that argument still lingered. I could understand why she didn’t like it, but working a few hours before or after school and one day of the weekend wouldn’t kill me or get in the way of much. I had wants. Alcohol, cigarettes, and other less-than-stellar shit. I couldn’t always mooch off my friends, and she could rarely afford to pay for anything we didn’t need.

  She’d found out thanks to the water bill being paid on time.

  I never knew trying to help would be such a big deal. When she’d tried to ground me, I’d laughed and walked away. I had too much respect for her to argue any further over something that stupid. There was no way I could control my temper in a situation like that. When all I’d done was try to help. I’d say things I’d regret, and I had no desire to upset her in that way.

  That shithead boyfriend of hers wasn’t good for anything but banging her until the walls threatened to fall and then leaving. And thanks to him being the principal of Magnolia Prep, where I was attending on a full scholarship, I couldn’t say a damn thing about it.

  “Lars,” she said, rubbing her face. Dark circles rimmed her eyes; her honey blonde hair askew in its low bun. She worked the night shift at a local nursing home. “You need to quit that job and focus on you.”

  “No comment,” I said, spooning oatmeal into my mouth. It tasted like dirt, but I was too hungry to care.

  She sighed out a cloud of smoke, then stabbed her cigarette out in the ashtray as she took a seat at the table with her coffee.

  “Let’s not argue about it anymore. It’s done.” Her lips twisted, the lines around her mouth and eyes deepening. I set my spoon down. “If it gets to be too much, I’ll quit, okay? I promise.”

  After staring at me over the rim of her mug, she nodded. “Fine. I’m too damn tired to argue with you anyway.”

  Even if she lived in a constant state of exhaustion, Mom was beautiful. My dad knocked her up right out of high school and then encouraged her to drop out of college to raise me.

  Meanwhile, he finished college and took off when I was three, leaving her to move us in with her dad, who berated her for every little thing she did until she could afford to get us our own place when I was six.

  If there was someone I hated almost as much as my dad, it was my grandfather. But he was dead now, so that was that.

  Dad’s parents had never been in the picture, so it wouldn’t surprise me if they never knew of my existence. Apparently, the sperm donor had met another woman and knocked her up with twin girls when I was getting ready to start high school.

  I didn’t know their names, and family or not, I didn’t fucking care to. The fact that this other woman and those kids were good enough to hang around for would only set demons clawing at my conscience if I wasn’t careful.

  Not to mention, the news had further aged my mother. The only good it did was get her to date again. Too bad she settled for another fuckwit.

  Taking my empty bowl to the sink, I dropped it into the soapy water to wash. “Go to bed. I’ll hang out the washing before I head to the garage.”

  “It’s supposed to rain later.”

  “Clothes rack, then.” I rinsed the bowl and set it on the dish rack, then grabbed the pot, scowling when I saw she’d only made enough for me. I dumped it in the sink and began scrubbing.

  “Love you, baby boy.” Her bedroom door shut a second later.

  Hunched over the sink, I watched the water swirl down the drain with my hands braced on the counter. She was gone, but I still said it. “Love you, too.”

  Daphne

  “I have a shoot downtown in thirty minutes, so if you want a lift to the mechanic, we need to leave now.”

  I kicked my legs over the bed and set my book down. “Let me fix my hair real quick.”

  Mom sighed, then hummed. “You could use some highlights.”

  “I don’t like caramel in any way, shape, or form,” I said while dragging the brush through my hair and then tipping it forward to gather it all into a high ponytail.

  Mom snorted. “Whatever. Meet me at the car and grab an ice water for me on the way.”

  “Whatever,” I returned under my breath, tying the elastic and tightening the ponytail. It swished as I inspected its position atop my head in the mirror.

  I wasn’t sure why I cared. I wasn’t sure why I was lying to myself either.

  I’d kissed two guys since kissing Lars a few weeks ago at Summer’s party, and still, I could only remember the feel of his lips.

  He’d made no attempt to contact me since. Granted, we didn’t have one another’s phone numbers, but I figured I’d at least get a message over Facebook or Instagram.

  I hadn’t even gotten a friend request or follow.

  It irked me. More so because it made me feel like a fool for believing he wasn’t a scheming liar just trying to get the goods. He hadn’t crushed on me for years. He’d simply wanted me. There was a stark difference between lust and infatuation. I would know.

  Nothing wrong with wanting someone, but there’s no need to lie and play around with false pretenses. I could be a sure bet as long as I was interested.

  Sex? Well, that was something I was reluctant to give away so easily. After losing my virginity to Clay Evans, who attended the public school, during junior year, I’d wondered how I was going to end things with him. Not even six days later, I found him beating off to a picture of some girl’s tits from his school in the bathroom while I’d had my period. We’d broken up, but I’d felt nothing but relief. I’d gotten what I needed from him.

  No, the aftermath of horrific feelings that’d changed me into this person remained, but they weren’t for Clay. The owner of that damage was someone else. A terrifying, haunting twist that lingered deep—a shield around the heart.

  None of us were as untouchable as we’d like to let ourselves believe. Which was why I was never going to make that mistake again. I had to be careful. Sex was too intimate for us dreamers, and merely a way to be rid of the mundane for the schemers.

  I’d get guys off, but they’d need to get me off first or no deal.

  After making sure my mascara was perfect, I raced to the kitchen and nabbed two bottles of water before joining Mom in her Mercedes.

  The A/C was blasting, her crystal acrylic nails flying over the screen of her phone. “Ugh, I don’t know why t
hey insist on putting me with such amateurs.”

  We both knew it was because even though she was drop-dead gorgeous, it was time she started heading into Mom and Pop modeling. The kind with the fake husband and kids to create the perfect family image for the department stores. It was too far a drop for someone who used to walk runways in designer lingerie. She would slap me across the face for even uttering a whisper of the truth, so I kept my mouth shut.

  To say my parents were frosty at times would be putting things lightly, but I kept out of their way, and they kept out of mine, so long as I didn’t cause too much drama.

  Or cause any that they knew about, anyway.

  The summer heat rose from the asphalt in curling blurs as we sped down the road that led to our house.

  Mansions and hedges and wrought-iron fences breezed by the window, and my hands clenched around the water bottle between my legs.

  Boyd’s Motors was one of two mechanics in the cove, but the other one was seldom used by those who had enough money to ensure their rides were in the best hands possible.

  The tire jumped the curb as Mom plucked her phone from the center console and began typing before the car had rocked to a stop.

  I opened the door. “I’ll see you later.”

  She mumbled, “Uh-huh.”

  Shutting the door, I cursed as she flew away not even two seconds later, dirt and rocks spraying as I rounded the corner of the car yard. I wove my way through the vehicles to where the garage sat on the far right-hand side.

  My stomach began to knot, and I told it I’d feed it nothing but salad for the next forty-eight hours if it didn’t cool it. He might not even be working. He hadn’t been yesterday when I’d dropped my car off and caught an Uber home.

  Why I cared when I never had before, I didn’t know, but it annoyed me.

  Condensation spread from the bottle onto my skin, almost slipping from my fingers as I approached the opened garage door and saw a familiar back leaning against the side of it with his coveralls undone and tied around his waist.

  He was talking to someone, for which I was thankful, so I turned toward the office.

  It was empty.

  “Cotton candy.” The deep drag of those two words sent every muscle clenching.

  Plastic cracked and popped as my hand strangled my water bottle. Slowly, I pivoted and tilted my head as though I hadn’t known who was calling out to me. As though I hadn’t unknowingly memorized the sound of his voice. As though I hadn’t seen him standing there at all.

  A female laugh met my ears, and my eyes jumped from a white Range Rover to Ruthie Brooks.

  Of course, he hung out with a girl even while he was at work.

  I walked over, flicking my ponytail and uncapping my water to take a sip.

  Ruthie’s eyes smiled and narrowed at the same time.

  I grinned, carefree and bright, then took another long glug of water.

  Lars’s dark eyes tracked my finger as it rubbed beneath my bottom lip, and he lifted a cigarette to his mouth, inhaling.

  “Love your dress,” Ruthie said, her gaze bouncing nervously back and forth between Lars and me.

  “Vintage Dolce,” I said, sweeping a hand over the stomach of my brown and yellow patterned sundress. I looked back at Lars, who had a smudge of grease on his crested cheekbone. If he knew, he didn’t seem to care. “I’ll be needing my car.”

  His tongue slid over his lip before he huffed and looked down at Ruthie.

  She batted her lashes at him with easy innocence. “I can wait,” she said.

  Lars shook his head, taking one last drag of nicotine before tossing it to the ground and crushing it with his worn boot.

  Ruthie shifted in her bubblegum pink sandals as we both watched Lars lean in close to her.

  “I don’t have all day,” I said, feeling my blood pressure spike.

  He wouldn’t dare kiss her in front of me. What was she doing here anyway?

  He whispered something into her ear that had her cheeks turning pink, and then I watched, mouth agape, as they brushed by me and walked outside to her blue Mini Cooper parked right beside my car in the small lot.

  Ruthie laughed as he opened her car door and said something I couldn’t hear.

  Lars stared down at her, the sun bouncing off his deep brown hair and highlighting the grime on his face.

  Ruthie didn’t seem to care about getting dirty. She carefully reached up and brushed her hand over the smeared grease on his cheek, then laughed while she wiped it off across his chest.

  Really? He was flirting with her while I was standing right here?

  It shouldn’t even bother me. I’d known he was full of shit since the first time I’d laid eyes on him. Though that night on the swing had me second-guessing, I knew better than to question something smudged in permanent ink.

  More annoyance flared. Most of all, I was annoyed with myself. I hated the way he’d so easily confused me. The way he was able to take a peek over the towering fortress I’d painstakingly erected with just one measly encounter.

  Lars chuckled and grabbed her hand, and then Ruthie rose onto her toes to kiss him. Smack bang on the fucking lips.

  Nice. Real fucking nice.

  I tore my eyes away when Boyd’s wife appeared, stalking through the lot. I knew she dealt with the sales side of things, but I wanted out of here, stat.

  “Judy,” I called, moving toward the office she’d just entered.

  She stopped in the doorway, tossing me a glance over her shoulder with a clipped smile. “Hi, Daphne.”

  “Could you please let me pay the bill and grab my car?” She frowned, about to protest. “I’ve been waiting a while, and it’s ready.”

  That made her brows rise. She peered over at Lars, but I didn’t dare do the same, then sighed. “Sure, come on in.”

  I smiled, grateful, then tried not to scream while she prattled about the list of things that had been done to my car. “You needed new brake pads, wiper blades …”

  “How much do I owe you?”

  Judy frowned once more. “Five fifty.”

  I handed her my Amex and tried to keep my feet from shifting, my eyes too, when I heard a car drive away outside the office.

  Receipt and keys in hand, I bounded out with a rushed thank you and all but ran toward my car.

  “Going so soon?”

  “Son of a …” I came to a screeching halt.

  Lars tutted and opened my car door when I pressed the key fob. “What’s your deal?”

  “Nothing’s my deal.” I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Instead, I stared down at my rose gold painted toenails. That this stupid boy could reduce me to such a thing had my hackles rising, along with my head.

  I met his stare, that infuriating dark brown with specks of gold, knowing stare, and lifted my brows. “Done now? I’d like to go.”

  “Somewhere important to be?”

  I tossed my water bottle on the passenger seat, then climbed inside. “Anywhere but here seems important enough.”

  “You’re pissed.” He grabbed the door when I went to shut it. “Because of Ruthie.”

  “I’m not pissed.” I laughed. “I couldn’t care less.” I grinned up at him for emphasis.

  His brows furrowed, and he looked over the roof of my car in thought before returning his gaze to me. “You never got in touch. You haven’t been out since.”

  “And?”

  He laughed, low and deep. “And so I said my piece.” His voice darkened, shades of frustration shining through. “You ran off, but I know you believed me. You believed me, and still, you haven’t tried to talk to me since. I said you owed me, meaning the ball has been in your court, Cotton.”

  “Uh-huh. Well, I don’t play, and I don’t chase.” I started the engine. “And good thing I didn’t.” I lifted my eyes to his, grabbing the door handle. “I don’t believe in pretty little words, Bradby. Never have, and never will.”

  His frown slid into a scowl. “You let me take you out, an
d I’d never even notice the color of the sky again, let alone the touch of another girl’s lips.”

  I laughed, loud and uncaring. “Nice words, but no thanks.” Taking advantage of his distracted state, I pulled hard on the door and closed it, then I drove away without looking back.

  Daphne

  Resolve was a curious thing.

  And curiosity would do wonders to try to break apart that resolve.

  I was almost asleep, my newly acquired postcards on the bed next to me, when my phone chirped.

  Him: Open up, princess.

  My heart swayed and bobbed as I sat up and wiped a finger beneath my eyes, inspecting for smudges. Stuffing the postcards in my top drawer, I yawned and felt my hand tremble as I responded.

  Me: Not today.

  Him: I’m not going anywhere.

  With a low growl, I tossed my phone and grabbed a water bottle from the kitchen. I drank half of it as I took my time answering the door.

  Since his sunglasses shielded them, I couldn’t see Ellis’s eyes, but I knew they raked over every inch of me.

  “Mom might be home soon.”

  He pushed off the white exterior of the house, his leather shoes gleaming in the late-afternoon light, and shook his head. “Not until tonight.”

  He would know, being that he owned the agency she worked for.

  I sighed, feeling my breath quiver when he removed his sunglasses, and I caught the dark intensity of his eyes.

  He was my mother’s boss, and also the man she’d been secretly in love with for years.

  I couldn’t blame her. There was a time I’d thought I’d fallen for him too, but now I wasn’t so sure. I’d wanted him, I knew that much, as one wanted any item they couldn’t possess, and his fascination with me was much the same.

  He was married. It’d taken me longer than I’d care to admit to realize that although he stalked through life along a muddied dark gray line, he would never step over to the dark side completely.