Never Kiss A Stranger (A Hot Romantic Comedy)

by Logan Chance

  “I’ve got Rocky Road and Chocolate Caramel Fudge.” Poppi sets the frosty containers of ice cream on the granite countertop.

  “And I’ve brought How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days and Love, Actually. Which do you want to watch first?” Lola asks, sliding onto a stool.

  “Guys, thank you for rushing over. But I’m fine, really.”

  Poppi eyes me, carefully. “I brought Kleenex too.”

  I laugh a little. “I’m fine, really.” It’s a little unsettling just how fine I actually am. Even when I sat and conjured up memories earlier, trying to cry, I couldn’t. My tear ducts are broken.

  When Poppi broke up with the lawyer she was dating a few months back, she was not fine. We watched three back-to-back chick flicks and ate two pints of ice cream...each.

  But this isn’t like that. And I really am fine. Not like when women say they’re fine and they really have fifty million different things going on inside their head.

  “So, what exactly happened?” Lola rests her chin in her hand and looks at my ringless finger. “No rock. It’s all so real. You sure you’re ok?”

  “It is real. And yes, I’m fine.”

  “This doesn’t have anything to do with trellis guy does it?” Leave it to Poppi to ask the one question I was hoping to avoid.

  “No, of course not.” I turn away and place the ice cream in the freezer. While I’m here, I busy myself rearranging some frozen vegetables, so I don’t have to face their inquisition.

  “Oh my god,” Lola exclaims, “it is about Ellis the trellis guy.”

  I exit the freezer and face her. “Can you not call him that?”

  Poppi laughs. “Ha. See, we’re right. You like him.” Her tone is all sorts of accusatory.

  “I do not,” I lie. “Henry just wasn’t the one for me.” And that statement is all truth.

  “I really thought Henry wasn’t perfect for you,” Poppi says with a gentle tone. “I figured you’d realize it on your own.”

  I sigh. “I feel like my body and brain were hijacked temporarily. I didn’t really know him when he first asked me to marry him.”

  Poppi wraps an arm around me. “How did he take it?”

  “Said he’d give me time to think.” I shake my head, remembering exactly how Henry took it. “I feel horrible. And well, he’s so drunk right now.”

  “Did he drunk dial you?” Lola asks.

  “No, not exactly.”

  Their quizzical looks are almost comical, the way they both turn their heads, eyebrows raised. “What do you mean?” Lola asks.

  “Ellis called. He’s at some bar with Henry.” There’s no way I’m telling them he asked to meet me.

  They remain quiet for what feels like an eternity until Poppi finally speaks, “Tell the truth...did you break it off with Henry for Ellis?”

  “No.” A big no. “I think I just realized Henry wasn’t the one.” And that’s the truth. Ellis may have sped along the process of helping me realize it, but I know he’s not the reason. Henry and I wouldn’t have been happy if we would have gone through with it.

  That answer satisfies them, and that’s the end of the discussion. We eat a ridiculous amount of ice cream and watch chick flick after chick flick. And by the end of the night, I know for sure Henry and I would have never made it. I also know I can’t wait to see Ellis.

  Is that so wrong?

  I may have overdressed for this business meeting with Ellis. Or maybe underdressed is a better description. This little blue number held up by spaghetti straps makes my boobs look ten times bigger. I could’ve easily worn jeans and a blouse, but in my defense, this dress has been collecting dust in the back of my closet for ages now.

  When I enter Bearded Goat Brewery, I spy something tall, dark, and panty melting—Ellis at the bar. I bet he’s not sweating right now. He’s sitting all calm, cool, and collected. Like he owns the place.

  Which, well, I guess he kind of does, sort of.

  He called me yesterday morning, telling me to meet him here, and I’ve been a nervous wreck ever since.

  I shouldn’t be nervous, though. It’s not like this is a date.

  When he spots me, his face breaks out into an incredible smile. Gah, it’s so breathtaking.

  “You look...wow,” he breathes out once I’m beside him. His eyes scan over every inch of my body, leaving nothing untouched. “Let’s get out of here.” He waves over his shoulder to the bartender and then places his hand on the small of my back, leading me out of the brewery.

  I look up at him. “I thought you wanted to talk about your dog wedding?”

  “Yes,” he says. “It’s a little noisy in there.”

  Outside, he leads me to the car that destroyed the trellis and opens the door for me.

  As I slide in, I’m on high alert for some reason. I almost feel like I’m doing something wrong.

  But Henry and I broke up. And you know what else? Once that thought creeps in, it feels normal. Like Henry and I were never really a couple. And now that the dust has settled, it’s like I can see all the reasons we weren’t meant for one another.

  As Ellis pulls away, the sun hangs low in the sky, leaving a soft orange glow over the clouds. “I figured we could go to the lighthouse and talk?” He glances over at me. “And then dinner.”

  “I love that idea.” This dress was a mistake. My boobs keep wanting to escape from it—code for it’s too damn small—so I keep adjusting it, and in turn, Ellis keeps glancing over at me as he drives the half-mile or so to the Jupiter Lighthouse, centered on the Jupiter Inlet.

  “It’s getting late, so the number of tourists should be lighter,” he tells me, as he parks.

  For some reason, I’m happy about that. I want to learn everything I can about the man I can’t seem to stop thinking about without distractions.

  Waves crash against the rocks lining the inlet as we get out and cross the lot to the red, cylindrical tower jutting toward the painted sky.

  Inside, we take the steps to the top in silence. Once we reach the view, it’s stunning. It feels like I can see all of Florida from up here. Boats wade in the endless aquamarine water, looking like toys in a bathtub. From way up here, I feel like we’re completely alone in this world.

  “I’ve actually never been here before,” I admit.

  Ellis rests his hand next to mine on the blue railing. “I used to come here a lot when I was in high school.”

  And I can see why. It’s certainly one of the best places on earth.

  We watch a few boats speed through the inlet, making their way to the ocean, and then I remember I’m not here to sightsee.

  “So, what’s your dog’s name?”

  His eyes dart from the ocean to me. “Spanky,” he says.

  I laugh. “That’s a cute name. What kind is he?”

  “A wiener dog.”

  “You don’t strike me as a dachshund type of guy.”

  “No?” He leans against the rail. “What breed would you think I’d have?”

  Under the guise of thoughtful consideration to his question, I take the opportunity to peruse his tall frame from his tousled hair to the sneakers on his feet. And all the lean muscles in between.

  “A Saint Bernard.”

  He grins. “Why’s that?”

  I shrug. “They’re the total package. Smart, good-looking, strong, and loyal. They’re a rugged, manly dog.”

  The tip of his tongue caresses the corner of his mouth and my face heats at the realization of what I just said.

  “You don’t like wieners?” he says in a husky voice.

  “I love wieners,” I reply in a hushed tone, barely able to speak. Barely able to stop myself from wondering what his wiener would be like inside me. His dick. Not his dog.

  His eyes drop to my mouth and I turn away, toward the ocean.

  “The air feels so much cleaner up here,” I babble. “Like it has magic in it.”

  The warm air electrifies around me as he steps next to me. His arm brushes mine and eve
ry fine hair stands on alert.

  “Do you believe in magic?” he asks, unaware of the spell he’s casting.

  “Well, I do like Harry Potter.” Our eyes meet and he smiles. “God, that sounded so nerdy.”

  “I like nerdy.” His smile fades. “I never asked how you’re doing.”

  “How I’m doing with what?”

  “With calling off the wedding. Henry. The whole thing. Your mom.”

  I bite my lower lip. “I’m actually better than should be expected. Mom wasn’t happy.” I lean against the railing, mimicking Ellis’ stance. “But without a doubt, we were never meant to be together. We just didn’t...click. Ya know?”

  Ellis nods. “I do.”

  We stand in silence as the breeze plays in my hair, until I force myself back to business. “Speaking of I do’s, should we discuss what you want for Spanky?”

  “Ah, yes,” Ellis says. “Maybe we can talk over dinner?”

  I shouldn’t agree to dinner, but I do.

  I don’t know what it is about this man, but there’s something there. Something drawing the two of us together.

  We stay at the lighthouse for a few minutes longer before heading to a quaint cafe around the corner. We’re seated in a matter of minutes at a wrought-iron table on the patio, overlooking the ocean. The stars twinkle high in the sky as if they’re putting on a show only for us.

  “May I get you a drink?” the server asks.

  “What would you like, Kiki?” Ellis waits for me to answer, unlike Henry who always ordered wine for me.

  It feels good to order what I really want. “I’ll just have the Guinness.”

  “Good choice.” Ellis winks at me. “Make that two.”

  After convincing us to order the Cajun chicken sandwiches, the server leaves and Ellis leans in closer to me. “So, tell me all about Kiki.”

  I laugh a little. “What would you like to know?”

  He shakes his head as if I’d even need to ask. “Everything.”

  I stare into his eyes, leaning forward. “I love the beach and drinking beer.” I laugh. “I know, I’m a total Florida girl.”

  He rests his elbows on the table, adopting my pose. “A total Florida babe.”

  “Tell me about Ellis?”

  He rubs his hand over his chin. “I’m here to help revive a family brewery, but am hoping Henry invests, and I need some kickass ideas.”

  “Ahh.”

  Ellis leans back in his chair, and an apologetic smile spreads over his face. “Too heavy for dinner, huh?”

  I smile. “No, I guess I asked for it.” It makes me feel weird that I’m here with him and he still needs Henry to invest. But, then I remember this is a professional dinner.

  The server returns with our drinks and the mood shifts from heavy to light.

  “You know what you need,” I tell him before taking a sip of my Guinness. “All beers are geared toward men, think about it. Us girls like beer too. Why don’t you have something special for us? How about a cool, pink bottle of beer? Or any color?”

  Ellis’ eyebrow raises as he takes a sip of his dark beer. “Actually,” he sets his glass down, “that’s a pretty genius idea.”

  “I’m just saying…”

  He prods me for more information about my likes and dislikes, listening as if he’s copiously taking notes in his mind. “I’ll look forward to drinking it someday,” I say with a wink. I have faith in you.”

  He leans in closer, like he has a major secret to tell me. “Actually, I’ve been kind of working on something for a few months.”

  I place my elbows on the table and join my hands under my chin, scooting closer. “Oh, what is it? Pink beer?”

  He leans back, relaxing his posture. “No, it’s not that. Well,” he bites his lower lip, “it’s silly, really.”

  “Tell me. Please.”

  He smiles. “Ok, but no laughing.”

  I giggle. “Promise.”

  “It’s a beer for dogs. But…” he continues before I can say anything, “it’s not beer at all, it’s a healthy drink with all the joint stuff, and healthy probiotics they need.”

  I blink at him, suddenly having a whole new appreciation for the man sitting before me.

  “That’s so clever. What made you decide this?”

  “Well, the market is untapped for dogs too. More and more people are including dogs into their daily life outside of the home.” He leans back in his seat. “Look at you. Do dogs really need to be married?”

  I laugh a little. “No, they don’t.”

  “Exactly. So, this is just one of those things.”

  “I,” can’t believe this man, “think it’s a brilliant idea. Have you told your family?”

  He shakes his head, the bright light in his eyes going dim at the mention of his family. “No, I wanted to get a batch together and test it out. Would you maybe want to help?”

  “I’d love to help.” And then I concentrate on the ocean, to escape the intensity of him. I need to remember why I’m here. This is not a date.

  “Are you ok?” Ellis asks.

  “Yes.” I set my beer on the table, ready to be professional. “So, tell me what you had in mind for the wedding.”

  He chokes a bit on his beer, and it’s my turn to ask him if he’s ok.

  “Yeah,” he answers. “I guess something not traditional? Maybe a beach wedding. The beach is a good place.”

  My heart stops beating. “Maybe by the turtle sanctuary?”

  “Yes, that’s perfect.”

  “Who’s the bride?”

  He lifts his mug and stares at me over the rim as he takes a long drink. A very long drink. By the time he licks the residue from his sensual lips, I’ve forgotten the question.

  “Angel,” he says.

  I blink. “Um, yes?”

  He laughs a little. “No, her name is Angel.” He takes another long drink, draining his beer. “She’s a German Shepherd.”

  “Really?” I laugh. “Well, that’s an interesting couple.”

  “Yeah. Spanky is a stud.”

  “I bet.” Just like his owner. I clap my hands together. “Welp, I have a great idea. Why don’t you bring Spanky in for a Spawesome Pamper Package so I can meet him?”

  “Oh, that sounds interesting.”

  “It’s a great way to relax.”

  Ellis nods along with me, but he has no clue what he’s signing up for.

  THIRTEEN

  Ellis

  Never lie about a dog...

  “I promise I’m not going to sell your dog,” I tell Urban over the phone. I can’t back out of the spawesome whatever she called it. “Spanky will love it.” Lucky for me, dogs don’t talk, because I’m one-hundred percent sure Urban’s dog would rat me out about not being his owner.

  “This must be about Kiki,” Urban says, with too much wisdom for his own good.

  I sigh. Maybe I should just come clean with Kiki about not owning a dog. I want a dog—trust me, I love dogs—but working all the time and living in a skyrise with no yard makes caring for one difficult.

  “I’ll swing by, pick him up, and have him back to you in a couple of hours, and then we can go over business.”

  “Deal.” Urban hangs up the phone, and I grab my keys and wallet off the hotel dresser.

  I pick up the dog in record time, deposit his long body in the passenger seat, and head toward the Dog Spaw, looking like a legit dog owner.

  I have all the things: a leash, a collapsible dog bowl, and a bag for poop. Not really happy about that last one.

  To test things, and make sure we’re in this together, I call my new buddy Spanky a few times on the ride over to see if he’ll listen to me like I’m his owner. He doesn’t.

  Perfect.

  A dog that hates me.

  It’s fine. It’s not like we’ll be hanging out. I’ll drop him off for his spa treatment and chat up Kiki while he’s being bathed and pampered. He’ll be thanking me afterward, because I’m pretty sure Urban’s
idea of washing this dog is a hose in the backyard.

  We pull up to the bright pink building, and I throw the car in park and look into his buggy brown eyes. “You ready for a bath, boy?” I rub the back of his neck while he looks at the building with about as much enthusiasm as a cyborg.

  I roll my eyes and open the door. “Let’s go, Spanky.”

  Surprisingly, he crosses from the passenger seat to the driver seat and I help him out of the car.

  When we step inside the cool air-conditioned lobby, Kiki waves at us from behind a horseshoe-shaped counter.

  Damn, she sure takes the breath away with that killer smile she has.

  “We’re here for the package,” I say, guiding the dog across the tiled floor.

  “Is this Spanky?” She moves from behind the counter and bends at the knees to give him a good rubbing down. “He’s so cute.”

  I’ve never wanted to be a dog more than I do right now. Of course, Spanky loves the attention, lapping Kiki’s arms and hands with his wet sloppy tongue. I’d like to lick her too. Oh, the places I would lick.

  “Yeah, this is him.”

  “Are you a good boy?” she asks the dog, and he nips out a little yelp as an answer.

  Suck up.

  Thankfully, she doesn’t ask me, because I’d have to tell her in graphic detail what a bad boy I could be.

  She gives him a scratch behind the ears, stands back up, and returns to her spot behind the counter. “Ok, let me just get you guys signed in, and I’ll take you both back.”

  “Oh, I’m gonna go with him?” To be honest, I’ve never taken a dog to the groomer, but I always thought it was more of a drop off thing.

  “Yes, you’re both getting the Spawesome Pamper Package.” Her grin is big. A little too big, like she’s holding back a laugh.

  “Wait, am I missing something?”

  She waves her hand to the wall behind her where a sign hangs, showcasing the details of this so-called Spawesome Pamper Package.

  I read the first line to myself, and it’s a ‘doggy and me’ grooming package. An owner and dog manicure/pawdicure complete with a blueberry facial.