by Rita Hestand
She had no right to tell anyone of their troubles. She should have known better.
She didn't belong here, she was kidding herself to think it. John didn't want just her; Red Elk didn't want just her. Why couldn't she be enough for a man, like most wives were?
She had to remember her place. They had no real marriage as of yet and it didn't look as though they would. He was a proud man, and to meddle in his business was wrong.
Red Elk had kissed her, but they'd never had relations. At least John had relations with her. Not that it was ever something she enjoyed or wanted, but he took her as his wife. Even though she wasn't comfortable with John like she was with Red Elk, she knew where she belonged. Right now, she felt very much like an outcast.
She gathered a kerchief and stashed a few things that were hers in it, and some food to sustain her for a day or two at least. She left a note to give her needles and thread to Chosen One.
Red Elk didn't want her that way. She understood.
Perhaps her and Chosen One were wrong. Perhaps he did love Painted Dove.
She had to quit fretting over it. It was too late.
She would go to the fort, it was the closer, and not tell them who she really was or where she came from. She would make up a story and they'd have to help her, after all, she was white, wasn't she? She looked down at her Indian dress, and her mocassins on her feet and shook her head. How would she explain this to white men? She wasn't even sure how to act like a white woman any longer. She'd been with the Indians for nearly a year now. First the Comanche who treated her as a slave, then with Red Elk, who treated her kindly. Maybe that was all he felt for her, kindness.
She could understand that. They were more like friends she decided. But even a friendship had its limits
Maybe she wouldn’t go to the fort, maybe she'd just escape into the wilderness. That would be better. At Camp Tucson she was bound to run into Red Elk and that could be very bad for him. She had learned many things from these Indians. She knew how to get water from the cacti, she knew how to look for roots she could eat. She knew what animals were dangerous. She wished she could take a gun with her, for protection, but it didn’t belong to her, so she wouldn't be taking it.
It was late afternoon by the time she was ready to leave, she snuck away quietly and began her long trek to whatever fate might bring her way. There was nothing to look forward to or backward on. Certain ones in the village she'd miss, most of all Chosen One, and Big Hand, then Bear Foot.
She didn't realize there were tears falling down her cheek, she was so absorbed in her journey and what she would say when she finally reached her destination.
She'd been with the Indians so long, she forgot a lot about how she had lived before. Strange how out of place she felt. After walking what seemed like many miles, she stopped and drank from the small skin of water she brought with her. The sun was going down now, and it would be easier to walk in the cool of the night air.
But she was extremely tired and fell a couple of times over brush. She skinned her shin and cried out.
She walked in the moonlight and tried to take her mind off Red Elk and his anger with her. She missed him. She didn't want to leave him, but what good was there in staying. He didn't want her!
Finally succumbing to her exhaustion, she found a large rock and rested against it.
She sipped the water and nibbled on the cornbread she had stuffed in the kerchief. The air was cooling now, and she shivered a bit. She should have brought a blanket or something to keep warm at night with. She just hadn't thought it all through. At least she was out of Red Elk's life now and he could do as he pleased about Painted Dove.
Somehow, she had to forget him. He would be happy now that she was out of his life. He could marry the woman he really loved, Painted Dove.
"God," she looked up into the night sky, "Help me find my way. I feel so lost. I was lost with John, and I am lost with Red Elk. There is no place for me. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I need to belong somewhere God. For I have to fit in somewhere. Don't I? Show me mercy God. Show me where I belong." She felt the ring on her finger and stared at it. The sacrifice he made to give it to her, the effort he took to remember the vow made her cherish it all the more. "I should have left the ring for him, but I just couldn't part with it. Oh God, what he did to get this ring astounds me. It is the most beautiful thing I've ever owned, and he gave it to me… I will remember him forever and the struggles he made just to get it. Five bears skins God, five bear skins. Maybe someday he'll remember me, fondly. And I hope he will be happy with Painted Dove."
"He has found your way…and your place," came a voice she recognized. It was Red Elk, he had found her. She looked around at him and saw his strange expression. She lost her breath when she saw his face. He looked so handsome she could do nothing but stare. She drank him into her soul. He'd never know how beautiful she though him. It wasn't something she could tell him.
Had he heard her confessions?
"W-what are you doing here?"
"No… that is my question to you. What are you doing here?" he demanded to know as he hobbled his horse and came toward her.
It was almost funny. She wanted to laugh but she didn't have the energy.
"I know you are angry. I figured I should leave… " she said simply. "I've caused you enough problems. Now your life can go back the way it was. In peace. I was causing you problems, now I am gone, there will be no more problems. I am sorry you wasted your time coming after me. "
"I was angry… at myself this morning, for not speaking to you about it last night. We are companions and I should have explained it. We should share everything together. I want no secretes between us. Forgive me as I am new at being a husband."
"It was none of my business and I should not have interfered."
"But you did, can you tell me why?"
"You weren't defending yourself. You didn't see the need. I didn't want to see you banished from your tribe over a woman that didn't belong here in the first place, it wasn't right. You said she was Comanche and she didn’t belong to your tribe. I didn’t want to see her kick you out. So, I asked Chosen One, she agreed. So… we interfered. She too had seen her with someone else. She thought it her duty to tell him. She meant no harm. Do not be angry with her."
He smirked, "You worry about Chosen One?"
"Yes, it was all my fault. Not hers. Please don't blame her. You can put all the blame on me. I guess I never was a very good wife. I don't wish to be a problem for you, Red Elk. I feel I am in the way to what you want. I don't want to be in the way to anyone any longer."
He nodded but turned his head.
She stared at him and he looked so handsome her heart lurched in her chest. He was wearing his white clothes and he looked so handsome. It dawned on her that she was glad to see him. She didn't know what it was about Red Elk, but she loved looking at him, and being able to without scorn or censorship. She could never tell him something like that. But she couldn't stop the feelings assailing her either. Something in her heart turned over at seeing him now. Here.
There were so many things he had done, to be kind, to make her feel accepted, and she thought of them all now.
Why did he have to look so handsome standing there with righteous indignation?
"Can't you let me runaway in peace?" she asked.
"No, I can't. You are my wife."
She shook her head, "Even that isn't true. I'm your companion, that is the truth. I know what the difference is."
He sighed heavily. "It is true…. Except… except when I gave you the ring…I slid it on your finger and said the vow. I meant it, Naomi."
"You can have it back. It was a beautiful gift, but I don't deserve it. I should have left it. You should give it to Painted Dove. She is the one it should belong to. She is more your wife than I am, and I know that."
"Never!" His whole body shook with indignation. "I said, 'With this ring, I thee wed.' That's what I said, that's what I meant. I said it to
you, not Painted Dove."
"I know, you were kind, more than kind. You did something for me that no man has. When we married you said you wanted a companion, didn't you? I've tried to be a companion. But I guess I failed at that too."
"I know, but it's not working out, is it?"
"N-no, I guess not." She hung her head.
He crooked his finger and held her chin up, his thumb softly stroking her cheek. His gaze was so intent, but there was no anger there. He looked tired, almost weary, but not angry. "I know why you went to Bear Foot. You stopped being my companion…."
"I guess I did. I'm sorry. I never meant to make you angry."
"You stopped being my companion…And you became my wife… you protected my honor. That is what a wife would do." he said in a low whisper. She started to object but he went on. "And when I gave you the ring, I became your husband. I recited the vow, that is what a husband would do."
She stared into his handsome face, wishing he would kiss her and put her out of this misery.
"Let's go home… " he told her.
"But…" she tried to protest, but he put his fingers to her lips.
"No more. You are tired, I am tired. Let's go home."
She nodded numbly. He was right she was exhausted.
He picked her up in his arms stared down into her tired face, then he put her on his horse. He slid up behind her and held her in his arms. Nothing felt righter than that. Nothing.
Despite everything, this was where she wanted to be, in his arms.
She sighed against his chest, and he kissed her forehead with a slight smile and she went to sleep without another thought. She felt so comfortable in his arms. She had wondered so long how it would be to be in his arms, and she finally was. Maybe not for long, but long enough to sleep like a child.
Chapter Eleven
Although Red Elk did not stay mad at her, there was something strange between them now. He didn't smile as often, and she caught him staring at her a lot.
Why hadn't he let her run away, it would all be settled by now if he had.
She wanted to talk about her running away. Get it out in the open and be done with it, but Red Elk did not want to talk now.
Red Elk didn't announce his intensions a few days later when he left before breakfast. He knew Naomi would be upset, so he left her a note, saying he'd be back on the fifth day. She read it and tears fell down her cheek.
"Dear Little One, I have gone for the first gun run. It is for the boys in Texas to defend themselves against the Yankees. I didn't want to tell you, as I didn't want you fretting about it. I'll be back in a few days. Don't worry."
He sighed it, "Your husband, Red Elk."
But she did worry. She knew how dangerous this could be for him and evidently, he didn't. Why had he accepted this kind of a job? He could easily be killed doing this kind of thing. Didn't he know this?
She slammed things around in the wickiup, trying to get rid of her anger and fear.
Running guns for the boys in Texas! Why? Why couldn't he stay out of this war!
Didn't he realize he could get killed doing such a thing. This big war between the states, it was not his war. Why did he have to meddle in it?
Big Hand came to speak with him that evening and Naomi told him he was gone to fort and would be gone a few days.
Big Hand asked, "Why so long?"
"I'll let him tell you when he returns." She said. "All I know is this note he left." She handed him the note to read.
Big Hand frowned. "How long has this been going on?"
"Just now, but he said nothing to me about it before he left."
Big Hand frowned, gave her the note back and left.
The days ticked by and Naomi worried every one of them. It was lonely in the wickiup when he was not there. No music, no laughter, no Red Elk. But she busied herself with some sewing, and cooking. Chosen One had brought her some wild plums and she made some jelly after borrowing some supplies.
"Big Hand says that Red Elk will be gone a few days."
"Yes, he should be back tomorrow."
"Good. Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine, I'll bring you some jelly when I get this made."
Chosen One smiled and left.
But around noon the next day she heard a commotion outside and peaked out. Naomi went outside to find Red Elk and Painted Dove standing close. In his white man clothes, he looked so virile standing there. His chest was magnificent, many times she had wondered what it might be like to curl up to that big strong chest. Her heart skipped a beat just looking at him. She couldn't look at anyone else. Her eyes drank him in. She hadn't seen him in five days and she'd missed him so. But he hadn't come inside to greet her and that bothered her. For here he stood with Painted Dove.
She realized Red Elk was in love with Painted Dove and there was nothing she could do to change it. But what really hurt was that she was falling for Red Elk too, and she knew it.
Bear Foot was with them. He was talking to Red Elk. "She admits it was your cousin, Blue Sky now her and her family must leave and never come back. She brings shame upon us all. She must go back to her own tribe and stay there, if they will have her."
Blue Sky, a young Indian brave stood across from them, staring guiltily at Painted Dove, and glancing at Red Elk.
Red Elk nodded and started to walk away, but Painted Dove grabbed him and kissed him on the lips. Red Elk did not pull away. He did not put his arms around her, nor encourage a deep kiss. Still, Naomi couldn't bear to watch, she turned away.
The crowd around them gasped at Painted Dove's audacity.
Naomi swallowed the lump in her throat.
"Go," Red Elk told Painted Dove as he finally pushed her away.
Painted Dove smiled for a moment when she spotted her staring, she turned to leave.
It was a wicked smile, as though she was intentionally making her mad.
She bowed her head and her and her father left.
Blue Sky went with them, hanging his head in shame.
But Naomi watched her walk away and turned around to look at him once more. Red Elk went inside, he didn't watch Painted Dove.
Naomi once again felt bereft. She concluded sadly that she could not hold John, nor Red Elk. It left her lost in a world she wasn't sure about, once more.
Painted Dove was completely shameless, and it was obvious she wanted Red Elk to claim her child. The entire tribe witnessed it. Although she was relatively sure that Painted Dove's child was not his, she wasn't sure at all how he felt about Painted Dove. His lack of action spoke volumes to his people from the gasps she had heard.
Naomi went inside, this time she was silent. She fixed his meal and cleaned up quickly.
"Do you want to talk of this?" he asked.
"No…" she replied and turned away.
"I want to talk about you leaving to run the guns and not telling me beforehand."
"I do not wish to talk of that right now."
"Of course, you don't."
"I've just returned can this not wait?" he became angry too and stalked out.
"Fine," she slammed a knife into the wood cutting board.
He stalked out.
She felt a tear fall and wondered how she could continue here any longer. But since he brought her back from her last escape, she had decided she would not run any longer. She would face whatever came. She was very sure now that Painted Dove wanted her husband. And that she might come back for him. What was worse, he might go with her.
Naomi couldn't believe he just felt sorry for Painted Dove any longer. She was sure there was more to it than that. After all, he let her kiss him in front of everyone. Hadn't he? He'd been with her for three years. Perhaps he felt more married to Painted Dove than he did her. And that was no peck on the forehead either, she had kissed him on the lips, long and passionately.
The other Indians of the tribe looked at her sadly now, as though they too thought the same of Red Elk.
The first time he wen
t back to the fort, she went to talk to Chosen One.
"Did you see her kiss him?"
"Yes, it was disgraceful. She shamed herself and her people. Still, she is gone now." Chosen One looked at her and saw that Naomi was not happy.
"Did you see that Red Elk did not rebuke her. He did not scold her. Nothing." Naomi asked, softly now as her voice was about to crack with strain.
"You are angry?"
"I don't know if it's anger, or just disappointment. I ran away the other night. I am only sorry I didn't stay away. I should have. A woman can only take so much rejection. That kiss seemed clear to the entire tribe. They look at me now with sympathy. "
"Oh Naomi, do not run away again. Where would you go? What would say when you got there? You've been with us and they will not have you back."
"What am I to do? It is very plain to me that Red Elk wants Painted Dove back and is too stubborn to just admit it to me. I do not know if it is her, he wants or the child or both. He ran off for five days without telling me. He wrote a note. It's obvious how he feels about me. He's not even speaking to me, and I didn't do anything wrong."
"Red Elk is very different than most of our tribe. He has lived in both the white man's world and in the Indian. But I still don't believe he loves her."
Naomi placed her arms across her chest, "Well, he's got a funny way of showing it. It wasn't me standing out there kissing him."
"When you ran away, did he scold you, hurt you or what?"
"He scolded a little, not a lot."
"Don't you see, that's how his anger is, not harsh, but he thinks about things before he does or says them. He would not hurt Painted Dove any more as she had been banished from our tribe. In some ways he is a very gentle man, with women."
"Yeah, but she's not even from this tribe. He desires her. Sometimes you just have to face facts."
"You love him?" Chosen One smiled.
Naomi stared at her… "I-I…respect him, I like him, I even think he's very handsome. But isn't love supposed to go both ways. Must I be the only one with feelings?"
"If you did not feel something for him, yourself, it would not bother you that he cared for Painted Dove."
