by Rita Hestand
"You're saying I'm jealous?" Naomi nodded and hung her head. "You're right, I-I guess I am. But you must understand. I have married two different men, and both have taken other women. How can I not be jealous? For obviously I am lacking in something. I'm jealous of all the women who take my husbands. First it was Helen and Martha, with John, now it is Red Elk and Painted Dove. What is wrong with me? Why can't someone love me? Just once! Just me. There must be something wrong with me that they both see. I must lack something. If I knew what it was, I would go get it. But I don't."
"You have no reason to be Jealous, Naomi. You are very beautiful."
"No! I am not. I cannot even hold my husbands. There is something terribly wrong with me. You are only saying that to make me feel better. I wasn't enough for John and I'm not enough for Red Elk. It is true. Perhaps it is my mouth, and what I say, but I speak the truth."
"I'm saying it because you are beautiful. You should look at yourself in the creek, your lovely."
Then a tear fell, "Well, he married me, but he desires her, still… I don't know if he wants her or her child. But it makes little difference. He came back to her, not me. What he did in front of all the tribe, says everything. Now everyone looks at me sadly. They all know he doesn't love me. And he was the one that told me we should make it look as though I love him. I have tried to reason this out in my head. Tried to understand his feelings. I've tried to be a good wife. Why am I not enough?"
"Oh, my sweet little Naomi, do not give up on him yet. If he wanted you gone, he would never have gone after you." She told her.
"He was angry, and he felt guilty, that is all. And I'm lost, Chosen One. I am so lost I don't know what to do."
"Lost?" Chosen One's brows knitted. "What do you mean?"
"I have been with your kind of people so long, I've lost myself in it. I realized it when I ran away. I remembered everything Red Elk has taught me about surviving, I wasn't scared. I took off as if I knew exactly what to do. I didn't know where I was going, what I would do when I got there, or how I could even talk to the people at the fort. I remembered all the things Red Elk has taught me about surviving out here, and I wasn't afraid. What I'm afraid of now, I don't even know how to act white anymore. And I don't understand him. And then…the other night, when he came after me, I was shocked…. He looked so good to me. When he put me on his horse, I went straight to sleep. I felt so safe for the first time in a long time, with his arms around me. I felt so protected. I felt like that's where I wanted to be all this time. But, now, after this, I don't know what to think any more. I'm a fool. He said the other night that we were no longer companions, but I was a wife, and he was a husband. Still, he doesn't treat me as his wife… "
"You need to be closer to each other. You need to make love."
"Make love?" she sighed heavily. "You mean have relations?"
"No, I mean make love."
"What's the difference?" Naomi asked. "They are the same… "
Chosen One smiled, "You will see, little one, you will see. With Painted Dove he had relations, with you he would make love, I'm sure of it."
"He doesn't want me. He doesn't even put his arms around me when we sleep. He only wants to talk to me. I suppose Painted Dove is not a great talker."
Again, Chosen One smiled, "Time will tell. Be patient."
"It's all I can be. Either that or run away again."
After they talked, Chosen One showed her how to make a dish that she knew Red Elk liked. But before she went home, she asked her. "Do you know how to seduce a man?"
"Seduce?" She turned to look at her once more.
"Yes… "
"Well I— never tried before."
"Not even with your white husband?"
Naomi looked away. "Once, yes," She shook her head sadly. "It was a complete disaster. I swore I'd never do it again. What a shamble I made of that. I put a gown on my mother gave me, it was lovely, and I fixed my hair and put some good smelling perfume on. It was the second night I spent with John. He didn't take me our wedding night and I was ready, at least I thought I was. I wanted it to be special. I wanted him to see me as special. I needed to know he wanted me."
"And… what happened?"
Naomi let a tear drop. She shook her head and moved around. "Nothing. He said the gown was for a bridal night, my hair looked better another way, and the sweet smell was cheap and unimportant to a man. That a real woman didn't need all of that for her husband. He never even looked upon me, Chosen One. He never wanted to." She cried. "Am I so horrible that no man will look upon me?
"No, no Naomi. That man, your white husband he was the one that wasn't normal."
"I felt so ashamed I never tried it again. He never even saw me naked, nor I him. Is that the way all married couples are? For I have never done anything with Red Elk either. There's something terribly wrong with me. I guess I marry the wrong men, as none of them want me."
"Oh, my goodness. So, he planted the seeds of doubt in you."
"Seeds of doubt? What are you talking about?"
"Forgive me, but no wonder you haven't seduced Red Elk."
"At the time, when I cooled down from it, I figured John was right."
"He was wrong, what you did, was for his benefit and should have been appreciated. Has Red Elk ever told you how beautiful you are?"
"Yes, he's said a few things. I figured it was just to make me feel better. Compared to Painted Dove I am very plain. I know this. I cannot compete with a woman like her. A woman who knows how to please a man in every way. I don't know enough about it."
"I doubt she does either. She pleases herself and no one else. You have beautiful hair that catches like silk in the sun, and skin so smooth and white. Your eyes are clear and expressive. And you have a small, but beautiful body. Don't you ever look in the looking glass at yourself?"
She shook her head as though that were a joke. "No, John said that was vanity. He threw my looking glass away."
"This John obviously knew nothing about women. There was no one to tell you, but he was so very wrong, Naomi. You must forget the things he told you. He was not of your faith, not a husband to you either."
Naomi shrugged. "Strangely, I don't care about John any longer. Or what he thought. I am what I am. I cannot be another. I will not be like Painted Dove. If he wants her, he should go after her. He will have his family then."
"He doesn't want her."
"Chosen One, I do not wish to be offensive, but Red Elk wants a son more than anything. I will learn to weave better, tan hides, make wampum jewelry, and cook better. But I will never be like Painted Dove. Men will not fall down at my beck and call. And I have no relations with him, so I can't give him a son."
"Let me fix your hair."
She shrugged, "Why not. It won't do any good."
"It is such a lovely color."
"It's just brown, that's pretty plain."
"John's other wives were beautiful, they had lovely blonde hair, and such blue eyes."
"You have so much…I can do many things with it."
"Fine go ahead, I don't care." Naomi told her. She knew she was being ugly, but she couldn't stop herself.
When she went home some of the braves stared at her, and she wondered why.
She went inside and began picking up the place, she took a blanket out and beat it on the line Red Elk had stretched for her to hang stuff. Each time she beat it, she wanted to cry out, scream or something. But all she could do was cry silently, inside.
Chapter Twelve
She put supper on and did her best not to think about his running guns or letting Painted Dove kiss him. But she couldn't get either out of her mind. She had no right to be jealous, they hadn't consummated their marriage at least.
If the whole tribe hadn't watched perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad, but everyone saw how he let her manipulate him. She wanted to believe that he was simply a good man and didn't want to embarrass Painted Dove but there was a limit to it all.
And then w
riting a note to let her know he was doing something so dangerous. How callus of him. Didn't he know she cared for him?
Now she'd hit on something that made sense.
No, he didn't know. Should she tell him, how much she cared? She'd been debating this for some time. Was it time to admit her feelings or should she hold back and wait to see if he really wanted Painted Dove? Pride had kept her still and yet she couldn't stop caring about him. He'd been so good to her, and she couldn't forget that. What had Chosen One said about, 'Wait until you know how you feel'. Did she know?
Then it struck her. Red Elk didn't know she cared for him. He couldn't see what others already saw. That was part of the problem. How could she let him know? Should she let him know. All these questions danced in her head.
Would she be like Painted Dove if she told him?
What if he didn't feel the same? Could she take the chance and expose her feelings to him, knowing he might prefer Painted Dove to her?
It was a huge gamble.
When Red Elk came in, he studied her intently. He looked so handsome in his clothes. She wanted to tell him, but figured he had a big enough ego. She couldn't quite get the picture of him and Painted Dove in that kiss out of her mind. Until she did confess her feelings, she had no right to blame him for everything.
"Something wrong?" she asked.
"Your hair, it is different."
"Yes, Chosen One wanted to fix it. I let her. It amused her to do it."
"It is beautiful. You have such beautiful hair."
Another compliment. He'd given her so many. But none of them went to her head. Painted Dove was much prettier than her and he must have spent a lot of time telling her so too. Still, it warmed her heart to hear him say such nice things about her. She kept all his compliments tucked inside her heart, for no man had been so sweet as to say those things except Red Elk. Sometimes he said and did the sweetest things, Naomi was speechless most of the time.
She shrugged, "Thank you, you'll have to tell her that."
"Why, her's does not catch the sun like yours." He smiled.
"Chosen One is beautiful." She defended.
"No doubt, but then, so are you." He added with a smile.
"I don't think of myself that way." She added shyly.
"God created you, you should."
That stunned her even more.
Why did he have to say something so sweet? Any other time she might appreciate it.
She finished making supper for him and wondered why he stared at her so much. Was he trying to gauge her mood?
They sat down to eat, and he was silent for a while.
"So, are you going back to the fort tomorrow?" she asked trying to find something to talk to him about.
"No, most of the Yankee soldiers have left, and there are only a handful of Confederates left, they are waiting orders from the higher command. Not all of them want to fight this war. But it will be almost impossible to stay out of it. At least for them. The trading center is open and running though. We can still get supplies when we need them."
"Oh, you won't have to work there then? They are deserting it?"
"Yes, most of them have. Now, they want me to run guns to Texas for them. That's what I was doing while I was gone so long. You did read my note, didn't you?"
Naomi's mouth flew open. "Yes, I read it." Now her anger returned. "I do not know why you couldn't have told me about it, before you left. Why are you even considering doing this? Don't you know how dangerous it is?" Her eyes widened now.
He exhaled heavily and nodded. "It could be. But many things are dangerous today. The Great War has started, it started sometime ago, but now there have been some big battles. Many died. They said the ground was soaked with their blood, from both sides."
Naomi stared now, "And I suppose now you're going to get involved with this war?"
"You don't think I should?" he asked.
"No, you could get killed." She nearly shouted. "It is not your war. Why can't you let it be?"
He smiled, "You think I'll be killed for running guns?"
"Yes, others will find out about it, and follow you and try to steal them. You have to know this. It is very dangerous. Once they find out what you are doing, your life will be in danger every time."
He was silent again for a moment. "You are right, they probably would after a while. Perhaps I could take different routes each time to confuse them. I suppose I'll have to outwit them most of the time. But it can be done."
"This is not your war. Why would you even consider it?" She faced him now with her anger.
He came closer, pulled her chin around to look her in the eyes. "Because Naomi, it would mean money that could help the tribe during the winter months. We could make improvements, grow good crops in the summers. I have plans to help this village, to make them prosper. I do not want to see my people wither away and die. We face reservation life once the war is over. We have lost much for this peace, but I want to show them that not all the white ways are wrong. That we can live together in peace. It is hard for some of them to understand. I must make them see this."
"Can't you stay here and help the tribes?"
"Not as easily, no."
She picked up their dishes and washed them, then decided to go to bed.
But his words stopped her. "Do you want to talk about the other… "
"Other what?" she snapped.
"You know very well what, Painted Dove's actions. I know it bothered you, and I apologize for it."
"Apologize? Why, I think your actions spoke for themselves, don't you?"
"Obviously they didn't. You think all the wrong things and I must make you see the truth of the matter."
"I do not want to talk about it. I'm going to bed."
There was no use talking to him. He seemed to have made up his mind. She didn't realize how negative her thinking was. She just wanted to stop thinking so much.
She was in a mood she couldn't shake. A negative mood. She hated acting like some shrew of a woman.
But a sadness came over her now. She didn't want to be left here alone. That was her real reason for not wanting him to go. That and the fact that he could be easily killed. And if he was killed, what would she do? Would she stay here, would she go back to the white world? She didn't know any more. She felt totally lost.
He laid down beside her but heard her crying.
He sat up and pulled her up. "What is wrong?"
"If you go, I will go too. I will help you." She exclaimed. "I'm a good shot."
"That is good to know, but no, I will not hear of it."
"I can't stay here alone… " she cried.
"It is no place for a woman, Naomi. It is my job and I can handle it."
"Then I will leave… " she insisted. "I will go away and not come back, for I am useless here. Only Chosen One and Big Hand speak English. You will be gone all the time and I will be alone all the time. And you will be free to take Painted Dove as your wife and make a family if I leave."
He made a guffaw in his throat, with exasperation. "I would not take Painted Dove as my wife, or my family. You are my wife. Naomi, consider this, if I had wanted her as my wife, I had three years to take her. I did not. And for good reason. You are my wife. My only wife."
"Am I?"
"Naomi, you must know this… " He picked up her hand and touched the gold band there.
"I don't want to talk about this right now."
"I won't be gone all the time. Only a week at a time at the most." He told her. "Sometimes, just a few days."
When she didn't say anything, he looked at her, pulling her around by the arms, staring into her tearful face. "Are you afraid of my people, of being here?" His face held real concern now.
She wiped her eyes and shook her head. "I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of you getting killed. I'm afraid of Painted Dove enticing you to go with her. I'm afraid of everything right now. How would I know if you were dead? I wouldn't. No one would come to tell me. No one k
nows I'm here. And what would become of me. Would I live here in your wickiup alone for the rest of my life. Or would I go back to a white world where I no longer fit in? I know that I am not white anymore."
Her words made him smile.
"Don't you see, I don't fit in anywhere now. I don't know. It scares me. I feel lost."
"But you ran away, and you were alone, in the black of night. And you weren't scared at all."
"I was angry and hurt. I wasn’t thinking straight."
"I have hurt you?" His face contorted. He had hurt her and didn't even know it. He was half white, where was the white side when she needed it.
"Can we just go to sleep, I don't want to think about it tonight." She cried. "I don't want you to go, that's all."
She laid down and closed her eyes and stopped crying. He sat there watching her for a long time.
They had much to straighten out between them, but it wouldn't happen tonight.
Chapter Thirteen
The next day was beautiful outside, but Red Elk was too worried about Naomi to see its beauty. He was so concerned he went to talk to Big Hand. Big hand was making a new bow and the wood was beautiful. Red Elk admired his work greatly. No one in the tribe could make a bow like Big Hand. He touched the wood and smiled. "It is fine work."
"Thank you." Big Hand nodded and got some oil out to season the wood with. "How is my brother, Red Elk today?"
Red Elk shook his head as he looked at his friend "I don't know what to do with Naomi. She cries, she seems mad all the time. What have I done?"
"You don't know?" Big Hand asked with genuine surprise as he glanced at his friend.
"How could I know? I've done nothing." Red Elk stiffened with the look of annoyance. He moved around the wickiup with exasperation.
"Sometimes we cannot see the trees for the forest." Big Hand said with a hint of disproval in his voice. He watched him and frowned.
"What are you talking about?" Red Elk turned toward him with frustration.
Big Hand stopped what he was doing and stared him in the eye. "You know I care for you like a brother, don't you?"
