The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  ‘That Tom’s taken over the farm and Jan and Mac are off traveling. They always wanted to. As much as ol’ Mac poo-hooed the idea for so long. And now, they’re having the time of their lives, at least according to Janet. I’m sure Mac’s still pulling on his grumpy pants now and then, though.’ Judy chuckled warmly.

  ‘How is Tom doing?’ she asked, attempting to make her voice light.

  ‘Tom? Busy on the farm, of course, but that’s what he’s always loved. He calls in in once a week or so to say hi.’

  Laura turned to face her mother. ‘To see you? You never told me that,’ she said, frowning.

  ‘Really? I’m sure I did.’ Judy sighed as she leaned the postcard against the windowsill. ‘I’m sure he’ll call around any day now.’

  Laura stiffened.

  ‘You know, you should call him or send him a Chatsnap or whatever it is you do these days,’ she said. ‘He’s always asking after you.’

  ‘He is?’

  ‘Whenever I see him, yes.’

  ‘He’s just being polite.’

  ‘You know very well it’s more than that, Laura. You and Tom were such good friends. He’s a nice boy, well, man now. I’ve always liked him.’

  Laura shrugged the weight off her shoulders.

  ‘It hit him badly too,’ Judy said with a quiet voice, as if preempting Laura’s reaction.

  ‘I know, Mum. Please, just leave it.’ Laura leaned against the wall, wishing she didn’t have to take this trip down memory lane again. But it was hard. Everything, everyone, in Banyula screamed her past.

  ‘Anyway,’ Judy continued. ‘Like I said, I’m sure he’ll be around soon enough.’

  Laura recognized the resignation with a touch of distaste in her mother’s voice, and again the tingle of guilt pulsed through Laura’s nerves. ‘Yeah,’ was all she could muster, preferring to cross that bridge when she came to it.

  Later that afternoon, as the breeze picked up outside and the trees rustled against the roof, Laura stirred a pot of chicken soup on the stove while Judy rested in her bedroom. Laura had spent the day making a list of what needed to be done around the house. The backyard and front garden needed tending to, the laundry tap was leaking—probably just a washer—and a few of the kitchen cabinet doors needed readjusting. There was, of course, cleaning and packing to be done, but Laura wasn’t ready to tackle any of that. That could wait.

  A sharp rap on the glass beside the front door jolted Laura from her thoughts. She turned the gas down on the pot and wiped her hands on a tea towel, glancing at her watch—almost four p.m.

  When Laura opened the door, she saw Tom, and it felt like she was transported back in time. Although it had been nearly ten years since she’d seen him, he didn’t look a day older, save for some manly stubble and a few crow’s-feet bordering his sky-blue eyes.

  The look on his face also told her he wasn’t expecting Laura to answer the door, as much as she wasn’t expecting to see his face on the other side of it.

  ‘Tom!’ Laura gasped almost breathlessly.

  ‘Wow. Laura. I … I didn’t realize you were … I mean …’ Tom fumbled over his words as he turned his Akubra hat in his hands in front of him.

  ‘Ah, yeah. I’m back. I’m here to look after Mum.’ Laura swallowed.

  ‘Of course. Yeah. Um …’ Tom ran his hand through his dark curls, his eyes darting from Laura to the ground.

  ‘You here to see Mum?’

  ‘Yeah. I usually call around when I’m in town. You know, just to see how she’s doing.’

  Laura nodded, opening the door a little wider. ‘Um, come in. She’s just resting.’

  ‘Oh, no. Don’t wake her. I’ll come back another time.’

  Laura’s heart began to settle. ‘You sure?’ She wanted to add something more, like, ‘I’ll make you a cuppa’ or ‘We can catch up while we wait for her to wake.’ But her tongue was caught on the roof of her mouth, something in her tightening chest preventing her from offering.

  ‘Yeah. I’m in town again in a few days. I’ll call back then.’ Tom put his hat back on his head and nodded.

  Laura forced a thin smile. ‘Okay then.’

  The air was thick with unspoken words as Tom stepped down the porch before turning back to Laura. ‘It’s good to see you, Laura. Really good.’ And without waiting for a response, he turned and walked down the path.

  Laura closed the door and leaned on it, listening as his Ute pulled away from the curb and disappeared into the neighborhood. Her heart thumped, and her eyes spilled fat tears down her cheeks. This was going to be harder than she’d thought.

  Chapter 3

  Over the next few days, Laura busied herself at home with her mum. They played Monopoly as the rain tinkled on the tin roof, watched old favorite TV shows like Everybody Loves Raymond and McLeod’s Daughters, and sat together on the back porch each morning. Laura had run into a few people she knew during her trips to the grocery store and bakery but had managed to avoid stirring any memories that didn’t need stirring.

  Friday afternoon as Laura and Judy sat quietly in the living room, Judy resting her eyes and Laura scrolling through Facebook, Laura’s messenger flashed on the screen. It was a message from Luke.

  Hey, I’m sorry. I was an insensitive arse. As usual. Anyway, can we talk?

  Laura stared at the message and at Luke’s profile picture. It was a picture of them both, beanies pulled over their heads as they huddled on Brighton Beach on a freezing Melbourne day about four years ago. The memory should have brought a smile to Laura’s face. It had been a sunny day and they’d decided to drive to the beach and take a walk, yet as soon as they arrived, Melbourne’s ‘four seasons in one day’ kicked in, and the sky turned a dark gray as storm clouds gathered and a southerly wind blew off the bay. Shortly after the photo was taken, they’d found refuge in a café by a gas log fire and sipped coffee to warm up. But all the memory did was remind Laura how much she had been playing a role for the last ten years. The role of the heartbroken girl who had toughened up and moved on with her life, always looking forward, never back. She’d posted Instagram quotes like ‘Life is tough, but so am I’ and ‘Difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations.’ She had thrown herself into a life with Luke without really thinking about it. She was moving on. Moving forward. But now, as she sat here soaking in every piece of her mother that she could, she knew it had all been a lie. She wasn’t moving forward at all. She was as stuck in the past as always.

  Her fingers hovered over her phone, and then she typed,

  I’m sorry, Luke. Right now I have to focus on my mum. I know you’ll understand.

  She hit reply and logged out of Facebook as the front door opened.

  ‘Yoo-hoo! Jude? Laura? It’s only me.’

  Laura rose to her feet, a wave of happiness overcoming her as she met Stella in the hallway, her arms full of plastic bags.

  ‘Oh, Laura! Sweetie. Give me a hand?’

  ‘What on earth …’ Laura began grabbing a couple of bags and taking them into the kitchen.

  ‘Well, I didn’t know what you needed, so I thought I’d just bring a few things. Just basics, you know. Milk, butter, bread …’

  ‘Chocolate brownies?’ Laura said, pulling out a Tupperware container, the contents still warm.

  ‘Oh yes. Well, they’re mine, of course.’

  Laura lifted the lid and a warm waft of chocolate took her straight back to Stella’s kitchen. Stella was Judy’s best friend, almost like a second mother to Laura. She’d spent many a day baking with Stella in the kitchen, or sorting the millions of buttons from Stella’s button collection on the living-room floor. ‘Wow! I missed these,’ Laura said, inhaling the aroma.

  ‘Well, hang on there,’ Stella said, grabbing Laura’s shoulders. ‘Let me look at you.’ Stella’s eyes began to well. ‘What a beautiful young woman you are! Come here.’ She pulled Laura into her arms, Laura managing to sniff back her own tears.

  ‘Right,’ Stella said, letting her go.
‘Now you can have a brownie. Where’s my Judy?’

  Laura took a bite of the fudgy chocolate brownie and nodded to the living room. ‘Just resting.’

  ‘Good. How is she?’

  ‘She’s okay. Getting more tired with each day. The pain isn’t good some days. The district nurse is visiting every morning to check on her and monitor her medication.’

  Stella clicked her tongue. ‘Oh, Laura. Life’s not fair, is it? But, you’re here now. That’s all she wanted, you know?’

  ‘I know.’ Laura nodded, avoiding Stella’s eye contact, the guilt resting under her skin.

  ‘And how are you?’ Stella patted Laura’s hand.

  ‘I’m okay. Really. It’s all about Mum now. We’ve had fun going through the photo albums.’

  Stella threw her head back with a chuckle. ‘Oh, I bet you have! I can only imagine what lurks in those albums—bad fashion and even worse hair!’

  Laura laughed. ‘And some!’

  ‘But beautiful memories.’

  ‘I’d know that voice anywhere!’

  Laura and Stella turned to see Judy standing in the doorway, holding on to the frame.

  ‘Jude, darling! What are you doing sneaking up on us like that?’

  ‘Just wanting to join in the fun.’ She managed a smile. ‘And maybe a brownie!’

  The three of them enjoyed afternoon tea and a trip down memory lane, until Judy tired and Laura settled her in bed while Stella cleaned up the kitchen.

  ‘Thanks, Stella,’ Laura said, entering the kitchen after she’d finished with her mum.

  ‘Not at all. Now, if you need anything, call out. I’ll try and pop around as much as I can. But for now, I must get home to Gemma.’

  ‘Oh,’ Laura said, feeling horrible for not asking after Stella’s daughter sooner. ‘How is Gemma?’

  Stella’s lips twitched. ‘She’s okay. You know. Typical teenager. Angsty, moody, and all that. I can’t do a thing right, of course.’

  Laura smiled. ‘I was once there. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it. She must be almost eighteen now?’

  ‘Yes, in a few months.’

  ‘I’ll have to call round and see her.’

  Stella stopped fussing with her handbag and caught Laura’s eyes. ‘Oh, would you, Laura? She’s in a bit of a dark place at the moment. I know she’d love that. She used to love hanging around you when you were younger.’

  ‘She was like my shadow at your place!’ Laura smiled. ‘Sure. I’ll try and get round.’

  ‘Just if you can. It would mean the world to me—to her.’

  Something in Stella’s eyes told Laura that there was more to the situation than Stella was letting on, but before Laura could ask more, Stella had pulled her in for a hug and hurried out the door, waving goodbye.

  The next few weeks passed with the days drawing in, the air cooler, the leaves yellowing on the trees, and Judy’s health deteriorating. Laura woke early, as she did each morning, wanting to make the most of every day, pushing the thoughts of the inevitable aside. She sat at the kitchen table and checked her email and sipped on her tea. Her boss had emailed, asking if she would reconsider her decision to resign, saying she’d gladly have her back at any time. She was finding it hard to replace Laura. The work-experience girl had also quit, and they were terribly understaffed. Laura thanked her for the offer and said she’d think about it. But her job at the beautician was something she hadn’t missed since being home at Banyula. She’d fallen into the job by chance not long after moving to the city, answering an ad on their window for a trainee, and hadn’t looked back. She enjoyed it, but it certainly hadn’t been her career goal. Not that anything had quite turned out like she had planned. At least the discount on beauty products was good.

  Laura closed her laptop and switched on the radio to distract her from the eerie quiet inside the house. The DJ announced it was eight o’clock and that more rain was in the forecast for the afternoon. Laura went to check if her mum was awake. The nurse was due to arrive any minute to check on her.

  She peeked her head around the bedroom door. Her mum lay peacefully, eyes closed.

  ‘Mum?’ Laura whispered. ‘You awake?’

  Judy’s eyes flickered open, and the corners of her lips turned upward slightly. She motioned for Laura with her hand.

  Laura sat on the edge of the bed and lifted her mum’s hand into hers. Judy’s hands were always cold these days, but they were colder than usual today. Laura gently rubbed the paper-thin skin to try and circulate some warmth.

  Her mother’s eyes drifted closed again, and Laura looked at her. Her hair was spread over the pillow like a halo. Laura had loved playing with her mum’s hair when she was younger, practicing her braiding skills. She’d inherited her mother’s hair. Although not as dark, the thickness and the slight curl—which she always tried to straighten out—were the spitting image of her mother’s. Laura’s eyes stung. Now, she wanted more than ever to have that curl in her hair.

  ‘Thank you, honey,’ Judy whispered through dry lips.

  ‘Thank you for what?’

  ‘For looking after me,’ Judy said, opening her eyes again.

  Tears immediately sprung to Laura’s own, and she squeezed them back. ‘You don’t have to thank me.’

  ‘I know I don’t. But,’ she paused, ‘I know it’s an imposition, that’s all.’

  ‘Mum, don’t be silly. It’s not an imposition. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.’ Laura inhaled the shame. ‘I’m sorry, Mum,’ she said, the tears escaping down her cheeks.

  Judy’s brow furrowed. ‘You don’t have anything to be sorry about.’

  ‘But I do. I’ve been so selfish. Not coming home all those years. Making you have to come to me.’

  ‘Oh, Laura. I don’t ever want you to feel bad about that. I understand,’ she said, shifting her position in bed. Laura nodded, continuing to rub her hand.

  Judy cleared her throat. A small, exhausted cough erupted from her lungs. ‘But,’ she said slowly, ‘I do think you need to face things.’

  Laura nodded.

  ‘Oh, Laura, you put on such a brave face. You always have. Remember that time you fell off the monkey bars at school, and I had to take you to the emergency room? You swore you didn’t break your wrist. You wanted to stay at school to finish reading the class book that afternoon. Oh gosh, what was it?’

  ‘Charlotte’s Web.’ Laura smiled, remembering how she was desperate to find out what happened to Charlotte’s eggs.

  ‘Of course! You didn’t even cry when the doctor had to set your arm in plaster. You were a tough little cookie.’ Judy paused. ‘But you don’t always have to be so tough. I knew you were crying inside back then, just like I see it now.’

  Laura shot her mother a look of panic. Of realization. She should have known better than to try and hide anything from her mother. She was all-knowing.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you broke things off with Luke?’

  ‘What? How did you…?’ Laura smiled. ‘Ah, Stella.’

  ‘She’s worried about you too. What happened?’

  ‘I don’t know. We just … want different things.’ Laura swallowed, wishing she didn’t have to have this conversation.

  ‘Or are you just unsure about committing to Luke?’

  Laura couldn’t look her mother in the eye. Instead, she began fiddling with the sleeves of her jumper, pulling them over her hands.

  ‘You don’t have to answer,’ Judy continued.

  Laura felt like she was breaking from the inside out. Her heart crumbled like pastry, into tiny flakes of helplessness. She knew Luke wasn’t the right one for her, but she also knew she was holding back. And deep down, although she’d never admit it, she was scared of letting anyone in after Ryan. She inhaled sharply, surprised at how certain she was in her thoughts.

  ‘I know, Mum,’ she said. ‘But, I … I just keep waiting and hoping I’d know what I want out of life, but ….’ Laura’s words choked up like a traffic jam in her throat.<
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  Judy squeezed her hand. ‘You still think of Ryan?’

  Laura flinched at the sound of his name, memories of his shocking death flickering to life in her mind like a buffering video.

  ‘I can’t. I have to move forward from that.’

  ‘Do you remember anything more?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘About that night?’

  Laura averted her gaze to hide the pain. She hadn’t revisited that night for years. She’d blocked everything out, the ache too hard to deal with. She’d locked it deep in her memory and thrown away the key. There may be certain things she’d have to confront from her past, but that night was one she had no intention of revisiting. Ever.

  ‘Mum, I can’t look back. You know that. I’ve got to move forward.’

  ‘I do know that, sweetie. But I think it’s affecting you in ways you don’t realize. I’ve kept quiet, supporting you for so long, but I won’t be here much longer, and I … I only ever wanted you to find happiness.’

  ‘Mum,’ Laura began.

  ‘No, let me finish. I’m no psychologist, but I think you need to say goodbye to Ryan,’ she said, as if inside Laura’s head. ‘Properly.’

  Laura’s eyes swam with tears that she unsuccessfully tried to swallow back. Judy squeezed her hand.

  ‘Please, Laura, I want you to promise me you will.’

  Laura considered her mother’s eyes. They were so tired, so sucked of the vibrancy and life they used to hold. But they were still so full of love—a sticky, warm toffee love that coated Laura completely. She caved. ‘Okay,’ Laura said, leaning down to rest her head gently on her mother’s chest. ‘I promise.’

  ‘That’s my girl.’

  Tears spilled out of Laura’s eyes, soaking into her mother’s quilt as she squeezed her eyes tight.

  ‘You need to forgive. To move on. For you. For Rachel. Tom.’ Her mum paused to inhale a short breath. ‘I don’t want you to hurt anymore, sweetie,’ Judy said, smoothing Laura’s hair. ‘I should have been there for you.’

  Laura sat up and looked at her mum’s glassy eyes. ‘No, Mum. You were there. I … I just didn’t want any help. I wanted to forget everything.’