The Memories We Hide

by jodi Gibson

  ‘I know you don't want to hear this, Tom,’ Rachel said as they walked around to the front porch. ‘But I'm going to make it work. I'm going to go and see Laura. Make it right. I have to tell her the truth.’

  Tom rubbed his hand across his forehead and sighed, losing patience. ‘The truth? You keep going on about the truth, Rachel, and it's the truth that caused all this pain for Laura. She knows about you and Ryan. That's the truth. How on earth is it going to help her now?’ He kicked a stone off the porch in a fit of anger. Rachel was still as stubborn as ever.

  ‘I was there, Tom. I was there when it happened.’ Her tears were back, her face stricken with sadness.

  Tom frowned, trying to comprehend what she had said. ‘When what happened?’

  ‘Ryan …’ Rachel’s voice broke and she steadied herself on the verandah post, her small frame shaking as she sobbed. Tom's heart stopped as he tried to process what he’d just heard. It didn’t make any sense. ‘You were there?’

  Tom listened while Rachel told her story, not sure if he could actually believe it. All along he’d thought he was the one who could have saved Ryan, but Rachel had been there too. She could have … He stopped his thoughts there. There was no use in that line of thought. But, the one thing Rachel was right about was that they had to tell Laura. As much as it would hurt her, it was the only way he could possibly get her back. If she knew Tom wasn’t the last one to see Ryan, she couldn’t blame him. It was his only chance. Yes, it was self-serving, but he had to be. He couldn’t let another opportunity slip through his grasp.

  ‘You have to tell her, Rachel,’ Tom said. They both sat on the back porch steps, staring out into the sodden paddocks, the breeze rippling the water and rattling a loose bit of tin on the nearby windmill.

  ‘I know. You have to help me. I can’t do it alone.’

  Tom nodded. She was right. He had to be there. He had to be the one to pick up the pieces as Laura’s heart and soul shattered yet again. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m texting Laura. We need to go and see her. Now.’

  Chapter 35

  Laura and Shea pulled up outside Stella’s as a message pinged on Laura’s phone. It was Tom.

  Where are you?

  An odd question, Laura thought. She tapped out a reply.

  I’m at Stella’s. Why?

  I need to see you. It’s important.

  Okay. I need to see you too. I’ll be home in about an hour.

  It can’t wait. I’m coming to Stella’s. Stay there.

  Laura bit her lip. That was all a bit strange. She startled as Shea tapped on the outside of the car door, her head tilted in question.

  ‘Sorry,’ Laura said, opening the door and hopping out.

  ‘Everything okay?’

  Laura waved her hand. ‘Yeah, it’s nothing. Just nerves, I guess.’

  Shea smiled. ‘Okay. You ready to do this?’

  ‘Ready as I’ll ever be.’ Laura tried to settle the butterflies in her chest as they walked to Stella’s front door. ‘I really value Stella’s opinion, so if she thinks it’s a good idea, it’s on! And, Shea?’ She paused and looked at her new friend. ‘Thanks for being here. It means a lot to have someone’s support.’

  ‘No problem. I’m just as excited as you!’

  Laura knocked on Stella’s front door. ‘I hope she’s home. She said she had today off for report writing.’

  Laura had spent the last couple of hours researching at the library and had pulled together a rough plan for her idea. There were lots of grants she could apply for, and if she could get in with the right government department, she could even receive proper funding and backing. She’d filled Shea in with all the details and insisted she come along for moral support. Laura’s skin prickled with excitement. She’d even thought of a name for the program. The Ryan Taylor Project. She smiled to herself.

  ‘Laura,’ Stella said, wrapping her thick arms around Laura. ‘And who do we have here?’

  ‘Stella, this is Shea. Shea, this is Stella. Shea works at the library.’

  ‘Of course. Yes, now I recognize you,’ Stella said, reaching out her hand to Shea.

  ‘Hi, Stella, lovely to meet you.’

  Laura and Shea followed Stella into the kitchen, where breakfast dishes were piled neatly beside the sink and the newspaper lay open on the bench. The smell of coffee lingered, and the oven door gently rattled.

  ‘What’s in the oven?’ Laura asked before turning to Shea. ‘Stella here is an amazing cook.’

  ‘Chocolate brownie.’ Stella smiled. ‘It’ll be ready soon.’

  ‘Perfect timing!’ Laura grinned.

  ‘You haven’t changed, Miss Laura.’ Stella laughed. ‘Coffee, girls? It’s freshly brewed.’ She motioned to the coffee machine.

  Laura and Shea had taken up the stools at the breakfast bar and placed their paperwork on the bench, both nodding at the offer of a coffee.

  Stella folded the newspaper and busied herself with the coffee mugs. ‘Now, what can I do you ladies for?’ she asked.

  ‘Well, I’m here for some advice,’ Laura began. ‘Oh, gosh, where do I start?’

  ‘Best place is at the beginning, I always find,’ Stella said, sliding mugs of coffee across the bench to Laura and Shea.

  Laura took a mouthful of the hot coffee, the bitterness making her suck in her cheeks as she swallowed, but it calmed her as it slid down her throat.

  ‘Well,’ Laura began, ‘I’ve got an offer on the house.’

  ‘Wow! That’s great!’ Stella said, raising her eyebrows. ‘Isn’t it?’

  ‘I think so, but I’ve decided I’m not going back to the city. I think I might want to stay here.’

  Stella tilted her head. ‘What about your fiancé? What’s his name? Liam. No, Luke, isn’t it?’

  ‘Luke. We broke up.’

  ‘Oh, darling. I’m sorry. Are you okay?’

  Laura nodded. ‘It’s for the best. Coming back made me realize I was chasing something I thought would make me happy. I thought he would make me happy, but …’ Laura tipped her head back and stared at the yellowed ceiling.

  ‘What will make you happy, Laura?’ Stella asked matter-of-factly.

  Laura sighed. Stella always knew how to ask the hard questions. ‘I think this will,’ she said, pushing her notes forward.

  Laura watched as Stella’s eyes scanned the pages, her head nodding, mouth twisting.

  ‘If you’d told me even a month ago that I’d be sitting here discussing my future in Banyula, I’d have called you crazy! It’s the last thing I ever wanted,’ Laura continued.

  ‘You know, your mum always said she thought you’d come back one day.’ Stella smiled.

  ‘She did?’

  Stella nodded, swallowing the last of her own coffee. ‘Yep. Said she knew you would have to stop running one day. That you’d come back to make peace with what happened.’

  ‘She was always a lot wiser than me. Pity I didn’t inherit her foresight.’

  ‘But you did, Laura. Look at you. You’re here.’

  ‘Only because I promised.’

  ‘Promised who?’

  ‘Mum. She made me promise to say goodbye to Ryan.’ Her eyes began to cloud again.

  ‘And have you?’

  Laura nodded as Shea rubbed her back.

  ‘Well, good,’ Stella said, reaching her hand across to Laura’s. ‘And this sounds like a fantastic idea.’

  ‘I think so too. I really think it can work,’ Shea added.

  ‘Absolutely. God knows we need it around here,’ Stella replied. ‘The kids need something, and I love that you want to catch them before it’s too late.’

  Laura saw the worry creep over Stella’s face. ‘How’s Gem been?’

  Stella shook her head. ‘No different. I’m trying a new tactic. Doing nothing.’ She forced a small laugh.

  ‘Oh, Stel. Maybe I could try and talk to her again?’

  ‘I d
on’t think so. I don’t know why, but every time I mention your name, she switches right off.’ Stella put on the oven mitts and took the brownie out of the oven. Laura’s and Shea’s eyes lit up.

  There was a knock at the door, and Stella frowned. ‘Don’t know who that would be?’

  ‘Oh, that will be Tom. Sorry, he said he needed to see me urgently. I hope that’s okay.’

  ‘Of course, love. There’s enough brownie to go round,’ Stella said, walking down the hall to open the door.

  Laura and Shea gathered the paperwork, both smiling proudly at each other before Stella returned.

  ‘I think I might put the washing on the line and leave you to it,’ she said, leaving the room.

  Laura spun her seat around to be faced with not only Tom, but also Rachel. She swallowed.

  ‘Hi, Laura,’ Tom said. ‘I’m sorry to turn up here, but …’ He glanced at Shea and furrowed his brow.

  Shea turned a bright shade of red. ‘Um, I can wait outside,’ she said, starting to get up.

  ‘No, stay. This is Shea,’ Laura said. ‘Shea, this is Tom. And Rachel.’

  The three made quiet and polite hellos before Rachel began talking.

  ‘I’m sorry, Laura, but I really need to speak to you.’

  ‘I don’t have anything to say to you, Rachel. What’s in the past needs to stay there. I need to move on. We all do.’

  ‘Lauz, you really need to hear what she has to say,’ Tom interrupted.

  ‘What? That she’s sorry? That she didn’t mean to sleep with my boyfriend, and then fall pregnant?’

  Tom frowned. ‘Pregnant?’

  ‘Oh, hasn’t she told you either? Why am I not surprised?’ Laura tried unsuccessfully to fight the anger that had risen from inside again. She may have thought she could make amends with Rachel, but thinking and the reality of doing so were two different things.

  Rachel shifted nervously on her feet, her head hanging low.

  ‘You had Ryan’s child?’ Tom asked.

  ‘That’s why I went away after the accident. Mum and Dad thought it would be for the best. And of course, “for the best” meant so they weren’t involved in any scandal. You know, can’t bring shame on the local doctor.’

  ‘Look, I’m fine to wait outside, Laura, really,’ Shea interjected, shifting uncomfortably.

  ‘No, it’s fine. Whatever Rachel has to tell me she can tell me right here, right now.’ Laura looked Rachel directly in the eye, her heart twisting with emotion. Rachel looked tired, as if she was carrying the weight of the world, but she deserved it. Laura fought with her clashing emotions. ‘Well?’

  Rachel took a deep breath before speaking. ‘I was the last to see Ryan. Before he died.’

  Laura flinched, then gathered her composure and rolled her eyes. ‘More lies, Rachel? I can’t deal with more lies from you.’

  ‘I don’t think she’s lying,’ Tom said.

  ‘I’m not lying. It’s true,’ Rachel said, slumping down at the kitchen table.

  ‘Tell her,’ Tom said, his voice barely a whisper. Laura tightened her arms across her chest and stared at Rachel.

  ‘I saw Ryan on the track when he was talking to Tom. Then I saw Tom walk away,’ she began. ‘I didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t know where you were. But I knew Ryan wasn’t in a good place. I just wanted to talk to him. He’d told me about his parents earlier that day. I knew he was upset, but he shrugged it off. He’d been drinking all afternoon. That’s why he was already drunk when the party started. And then, halfway through the party when Tom started to confront Laura, I tried to speak to Ryan, but he stormed off.

  ‘I saw Joel and he told me they’d gone down the river to smoke some pot, but Ryan had stayed there after they’d left. I was worried about him, so I left the party to find him. When I came back, everyone was gone, so I began walking home. That’s when I saw him on the tracks. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. I was going to tell him I couldn’t do it anymore. Behind your back.’ Rachel’s eyes caught Laura’s, and she quickly looked up at the ceiling. Tears spilled down onto her lightly freckled cheeks.

  ‘He was just sitting there. So sad. So broken. I'd never seen him like that.’ Rachel’s voice broke and she blinked more tears. ‘I'm so sorry, Laura. I know it doesn't mean anything now. But …’

  Laura swallowed back her own tears. What did it matter what Rachel was saying? It didn’t change anything. ‘Just tell me what happened.’ Laura sighed. As much as she didn’t want to hear it, as much as she still didn’t believe it, Laura knew she had to hear the full story.

  ‘He kept saying that it was over. Everything was over. You and him. Him and I. Rambling that he was no good and we both deserved better. I tried to talk to him. Tried to tell him everything would be okay if we just sat down and talked about it.’ Rachel was visibly shaking now. She gripped both her hands tightly as she spoke to try and stop the movement.

  ‘I reached over for him, but he stumbled to his feet, pushing me away, saying he was dangerous. He was just like his father and couldn’t be trusted. That he needed to get away from everyone. It was like he was someone else, Laura. It wasn't Ryan. He was talking crazy. I know he was drunk, stoned, whatever, but it was more than that. I was so upset, and then I told him …’

  ‘Told him what?’ Laura furrowed her brow, looking from Rachel to Tom. Tom shifted on his feet.

  Rachel hung her head. ‘I told him I was pregnant.’

  ‘You told him then?’ Tom said.

  Rachel nodded.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Laura,’ Rachel said. ‘For everything that happened. What we did. That’s not what friends do. And then, after he died, knowing it was my fault …’ She drifted off for a moment. ‘I need to know that you can forgive me.’

  ‘Hang on.’ Tom held his hands up. ‘I’m lost. You didn’t tell me this part of the story.’

  Rachel stayed silent.

  Laura furrowed her brow, trying to make sense of what Rachel was saying, ‘But that still doesn't explain why you think you were the last one to see him.’

  Rachel peered into the distance between Laura and Tom, her eyes vague and glassy. ‘When I told him I was pregnant, he turned toward me, in shock I guess, and he started breathing heavy. He was really angry. He said he didn't believe me.’ Rachel began sobbing, her shoulders shaking as she pushed the words out. ‘Then, then he stumbled backwards, and I don't know, lost his footing or got his foot caught on the rail and he fell back onto the track. I don’t know exactly what happened.’ Rachel’s voice went quiet, her eyes staring as if back in the moment. ‘I can still hear the thud of his head,’ she said, squeezing her eyes tight. ‘He didn't move. I tried to wake him up. I pulled at him, yelled his name…’

  ‘Was he breathing?’ Shea asked.

  ‘Yes, I think so. I tried to pull him off the tracks, but god, he was so heavy. There was blood seeping out of his head, and I didn't know what to do. So, I went to get help. I was going to run to your house, Laura, but I … I got really scared. I didn’t know what to do.’

  Laura covered her face with her hands.

  ‘Laura?’ Tom looked at Laura, his face awash with confusion.

  ‘No, you didn't come to my house. You didn't. Mum would have told me!’ Laura said, confused. Swirling black-and-white images began to flicker through Laura’s mind again.

  ‘I panicked. I … I ran … I ran down to the river. I was so scared. I didn't want … I didn't …’ Rachel shook violently, spluttering through her fingers across her mouth.

  ‘You left him there?’ Laura's voice quivered as the reality of what Rachel said began to sink in. She felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, and the walls began closing in around her.

  ‘No. I don’t believe it. That can’t be right,’ Laura breathed. This was all too much. So many different versions of events. None of them making sense. There was no answer. No one really knew what happened. Tom, her, Rachel.

  ‘I’m sorry, Laura,’ Rachel whispered. Laura s
tared ahead blankly.

  The back door opened, and Stella entered, carrying a washing basket. ‘Everything okay in here?’ she asked, placing the basket on the bench.

  No one replied.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Stella asked again, her face tight with concern.

  Tom was first to speak. ‘Rachel was the last to see Ryan alive.’

  ‘She left him on the tracks,’ Laura said. Shea sat wide-eyed, unmoving. Rachel sobbed into her hands.

  Stella pulled back sharply, as if shocked, and then let out a heavy sigh. ‘Oh, god.’ She shook her head.

  ‘What is it?’ Laura asked, frightened by the look on Stella’s face.

  ‘Judy told me not to, but this has got to end.’ All eyes turned to Stella. ‘Laura, that’s not what happened. Well, whatever she said may have happened, but that’s not the full story.’

  At that moment, Gemma entered the kitchen, slamming her hands on the benchtop, staring at Laura, who jumped to her feet. ‘You need to tell her, Mum,’ she said, her lips pursed.

  ‘Tell me what?’ Laura said.

  A look crossed over Stella’s face that Laura couldn’t place. Shock? Fear? Stella’s brow furrowed and the whites of her eyes glowed.

  ‘Gemma, stop.’

  Gemma scowled at Stella. ‘Maybe if this town stopped keeping so many secrets, things would be better!’ she blurted out.

  ‘Now isn’t the time or the place,’ said Stella, rounding the bench toward Gemma.

  ‘You don’t remember, do you?’ Gemma turned to Laura again. Her stance was wide, her face flushed red.

  ‘Remember what?’ Laura stammered.

  Gemma rolled her eyes. ‘Well, I remember as plain as day. Mum crying, whispering to Dad what had happened. I might have only been a kid, but I knew what I was hearing.’

  ‘Gemma. Enough. This isn’t yours to tell.’

  But Gemma ignored her and glared at Laura. ‘You killed Ryan.’

  The rush of blood to Laura’s head was like a jet plane. She tried to gasp for air, but it was as if her lungs had frozen.