by Suzie Carr
Sophie pulled her earphones out. “She’s not here?”
“Maybe she’s out back.” Jacky headed back down the hall and toward the stairs.
“I have an eye doctor appointment in like an hour,” Sophie yelled out to her. “I hope she’s here.”
Once in the kitchen, she headed over to the back door. Angry raindrops pounded the pavement, but despite that, Jacky lifted the blinds, hoping to see Drew outside sneaking a cigarette under the patio umbrella.
Nothing.
She turned back to face the empty kitchen. The freezer door hung open again. My God. Would it kill her to pay attention to something other than everything outside the house?
Jacky picked up the cell and called her.
“Where are you?”
“In the car. I’ve got a meeting, and I’m running late.”
“You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“I woke up late. I just ran out and figured I’d call you in a little while to explain. Kate needs me at the dojo because they’ve got an army of kids coming in for a preview day. If I’m not there, she’s going to have to deal with them by herself.”
Another item added to her full plate. “You left the freezer open again.”
“Ugh. I’m sorry.” Pause. “I was just in a hurry.”
Her excuse broke through their bloated dam and choked Jacky’s reserve of compassion. “You’re always in a hurry.”
“Please don’t turn this into a lecture.”
“A lecture?” Anger curled up Jacky’s spine, flicking its poison.
“I’m sorry I left the freezer open,” Drew said. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Like a dojo full of strangers?”
“Not now, Jacky. Please let’s not fight today.”
Her newest obsession, the dojo, and her friend Kate, Ashley’s mother, always took a front stance to their family. The smelly rubber floor and grunts of wannabee martial artists won. They infiltrated her home, tossing her peace and balance out of the way as they dug in and took over.
Jacky heard the shower running. She still covered her mouth so Sophie wouldn’t hear their inevitable argument. “What about your daughter?”
“What about her?”
“You forgot, didn’t you?”
“What did I forget this time?”
“Her eye appointment?” Jacky pinched her leg to vet some of the anger. It continued to torment her with its grueling flicks.
Drew sighed. “Fuck.”
Silence.
“Can you take her? Please?”
Unbelievable. “I’ve got clients lined up. I can’t just cancel them.”
“Please,” she begged in her desperate voice. “This is important.”
“Everything’s always more important than us lately.”
“That’s not true, Jacky. Please don’t believe that.”
“You’re obsessed with the dojo.”
“I enjoy it,” she hissed.
“First a hobby, that’s how it all begins with you. Then, the hobby evolves into this all-encompassing fiasco where everything gets put to the side. You’re there more than here. And when you come home, you’re all stressed out and taking it out on us.”
“Not now, okay?” Drew begged. “I’m running late. I’ll call you later to discuss it.”
The anger fought its way into her words. “You ran out of the house without saying goodbye. You just dumped your responsibilities into my lap again. Admit it, you didn’t forget about your daughter’s appointment.”
“I did forget.”
“Well, that’s even the more troublesome.” Her breaths quickened to the point her lungs hurt.
More silence.
“Drew, you’re constantly asking me to cancel my day to take Sophie here and there. I can’t do this anymore. You’re running out of the house forgetting to shut freezer doors and to take your daughter to medical appointments. Something has to give.”
“I didn’t have time to wake you up with a fucking cup of steaming coffee and the newspaper, so now something has to give?”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me,” she snapped. “My life is careening out of control, and I just need you to give me a break.”
Give her a break? What about me?
Clients relied on her, and that sat a little higher up the ladder of importance than some karate kick. How dare she shovel this on her? “For the past six months I’ve been the only one cooking, cleaning, and driving Sophie to every cheerleading practice, every student council meeting, every friend’s slumber party, and what do you do? You come home and treat us like your life is more important than ours.”
“Stop being such a bitch.”
Jacky’s blood pressure flared. She paced the floor, nauseated. “You can come home and take your own daughter to the eye appointment.”
“My daughter?” Drew asked.
Jacky’s temples throbbed. “Yes, she is your daughter!”
“Well, thank God for that,” Drew screamed.
“Fuck off,” Jacky yelled so loud the entire neighborhood must have heard. She hung up, then flung the phone.
Jacky stormed around the kitchen counter, kicking and punching through the squally debris to find something, anything to latch onto that made sense.
“What’s happening?” Sophie asked.
Jacky turned around to find Sophie dripping and draped in a towel.
“I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.” Doused in shame, Jacky steadied against the counter. “I thought you were in the shower.”
Sophie swallowed. “Clearly, I’m not.” She turned and walked down the hall toward the staircase.
Jacky stood under the heat of the kitchen lights, embarrassed. The longer she stood, the more the shame dug at her.
She needed air.
She reached for Rosy’s leash. “Come on girl. Let’s go for a walk.”
A few minutes later, Jacky resumed normal breathing and thought back on her fight with a clearer mind. How could Drew not see that her reckless, chaotic life affected all of them?
How would they ever fix this?
Perhaps Marie could help them reconcile by being that third person. If Marie didn’t agree with something, she’d let them know. Marie took no sides, even when it came to Hazel. Marie couldn’t tell a lie if her life depended on it. Maybe if Hazel’s life depended on it, she could. But, certainly no one else’s.
Yes. She would sit Drew down that night after dinner and suggest inviting Marie and Hazel over for a barbeque and mediation that weekend.
When Jacky arrived back at the house, Sophie was gulping milk from the carton. Jacky stopped short of reprimanding. Sophie suffered enough damage for one day by hearing her tell her mom to fuck off. “I’m going to take you to your eye appointment. Are you ready?”
She shrugged. “Yeah, sure. You can just drop me off, and I can take the bus to school from there.”
Jacky put her arm around Sophie’s shoulder. “Nah. I’ll take you.” She’d call Marie from the car and tell her to cancel her first few dog training clients of the day.
Sophie put the milk carton back and gathered up her book bag. “I’m ready.”
~ ~
A couple of hours later, they returned home to grab Sophie’s lunch tote from the kitchen counter. Rosy leaped at them, excited and ready to walk.
“I’ll take her for a walk. I could use the air,” Sophie said. “I’m already late for school. What’s another half an hour?”
Jacky slid the leash off the hook in the hallway. “I could use some air, too.”
Sophie shot her a frown. “Fine. Just let me tinkle.”
Jacky bent down and pet Rosy. “She hates me.”
Rosy stared blankly at her.
“I don’t blame her. I cursed out her mother.” She leaned her forehead against Rosy’s snout. “You need a breath mint, pretty girl.”
Rosy licked her nose.
Just then, someone knocked on the front door. Jacky snuck over to the w
indow to get a peek. Two policeman stood on her front stoop.
Her heart dropped.
Somehow, she managed to open the front door. One of them asked, “Jacky Applebaum?”
Jacky froze.
Sophie walked up to Jacky’s side.
Rosy moved in, sniffing the officers.
“Can we come in?”
Jacky nodded and moved aside, and they entered.
A heaviness dropped on the room, snuffing all remaining light and freshness.
They stood in the foyer and removed their hats. The beefier of the two inched forward. “We’re sorry to have to inform you,” he said with a softness that didn’t match his size, “Drew Applebaum was in a fatal car accident this morning.”
As the policeman spoke, the room blurred. She found Sophie’s fragile, cold hand and cradled it as the police explained the details. Somewhere in between their sobs, Jacky heard about the bystander who had reported the accident happening around nine o’clock that morning.
A bigger lump formed in her throat.
Nine o’clock. Just about the same time she had carelessly flung those two regrettable words at her wife.
~ ~
A fierce shock took over immediately, leaving Jacky in a state of numb disbelief. She attempted to push through the shockwaves to save Sophie from drowning in the tumultuous wake of their sadness, but to no avail. Sophie wanted to be alone. No amount of food, hugs, or attempts at talking would bring Drew back to them.
On the morning after Drew’s death, Sophie stood before Jacky. “I don’t want to be here right now,” she said on a whisper. “I’m going to Ashley’s for a few days.”
Jacky cradled Sophie’s wrist. “Kiddo, please don’t go.”
A small cry escaped from deep inside Sophie. “I need my best friend right now.”
They stood staring at each other, each lost in a battle with their new cruel reality. If Jacky allowed her to go, would that hurt or help Sophie? Would Ashley offer Sophie better comfort than she could?
Of course she would. Ashley was a good friend, and someone Sophie trusted. If anyone could keep Sophie’s heart safe in the coming days, Ashley could.
Jacky nodded, vying for strength and confidence in her decision. “Okay, kiddo.”
In the days following, Jacky sent Sophie text messages, and she’d respond in one-word answers.
Marie urged her to continue to give Sophie room. So she did, but not without reminding Sophie that she was there for her if she wanted to talk.
The night of the funeral, at Ashley’s insistence, Sophie finally agreed to go home with Jacky.
As they entered their empty home, Jacky reached out for Sophie’s arm. “Can we chat?”
She shrugged, slipping into the safety of her new and justified silence.
Jacky never prayed, but she prayed in that moment. She prayed to a God she didn’t know for guidance. She couldn’t have Sophie hate her. “I never meant what I said to your mom that morning. The words just came out. We were fighting.” Jacky’s voice took on a pleading tone. “I never should’ve said that to her.”
Large teardrops leaked from the corners of Sophie’s eyes.
“Please talk to me, kiddo.”
Sophie bowed her head. Her golden ringlets hung as if deflated and tired.
Jacky cradled her hand around Sophie’s thin wrist. “I didn’t mean it.”
Sophie glared up at her. She clenched her teeth. “Then you shouldn’t have said it.”
Jacky caught her breath. Sophie’s wrist trembled in her hand. “What can I do to make this better?”
“Everything’s already ruined.” The teardrops leaked down her cheeks.
Jacky reached for a tissue and began wiping Sophie’s tears. “I’m sorry kiddo. I’m so sorry.”
Sophie pushed Jacky’s hand away. “You destroyed everything,” she screamed. “All you can say is I’m sorry kiddo?” She grunted and balled her hands into fists. “I hate you.” She ran out of the room, up the stairs, and slammed her door shut.
Jacky stood numb in the fallout ash of her own selfish assault on their beautiful life, too guilty to argue a defense.
~ ~
As the months crawled by after that fateful day, everything blurred into one tasteless crumb after another for Jacky. The spice that once peppered life, disintegrated and left a bland film in its path. Shedding tears in her bathtub offered the only relief. They reminded her that she could still produce something other than empty promises to friends and family – empty promises that she and Sophie would eventually be okay. How could she truly promise something she didn’t fully believe?
Through the maze of casseroles, cheerful greeting cards, and constant messages from friends, she clung to the false hope that somewhere underneath all the heartbreak they might find peace. Then, a cruel reminder would pop up in the form of a bill still in Drew’s name or an annual doctor’s appointment reminder.
Reminders poked at her from every direction. She only had to look up from her cereal bowl every morning to catch a glimpse of Drew in Sophie’s face as she scrambled past her to fetch an apple before escaping the confines of the kitchen.
The kitchen had shrunk. It withered down to a dark and airless closet. Drew’s death changed that once lively, seasoned room. It lacked vitality and the song of a happy family chopping broccoli and carrots together under the ambiance of track lighting and Sinatra.
Every time Jacky looked at Sophie, with her doe-like eyes, guilt hammered her, burying her deeper into the darkness. The splinters of circumstance gutted her, all because of a stupid argument over an eye appointment and freezer door.
~ ~
As time rolled on after her mother’s death, Jacky insisted Sophie continue to go to counseling. Sophie followed the order, playing along for the sake of peace. She didn’t want to churn the water any more than it already had been.
One night after they returned from a session, Jacky walked into the kitchen. Sophie piled ham onto wheat bread.
“Hey kiddo. Want to watch a movie tonight?”
Sophie bit into her sandwich. Jacky always assumed they could skip right back into their former relationship where laughter and piggyback rides through the house were the norm. “I can’t.”
Jacky smoothed her hands over her tired face. “Can I ask you something?”
Sophie teetered, gripping both her grudge and her hurt with equal strength. “Sure.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
Forgive. You forgave someone for intentional wronging. How did you forgive someone for being honest? She couldn’t be mad at Jacky for being truthful. She wasn’t mad, she was sad; the kind of sadness that leaks down into your gut and drowns everything, leaving it bloated and rotten. She always assumed Jacky loved her like a daughter. She’s your daughter. Not mine! Jacky likely didn’t even realize she had voiced her true feelings out loud.
So, could she forgive her? Sure. But forget? She couldn’t just forget the grip of sadness.
“Please?” Strain pulled at Jacky.
Why did she beg? Exactly why did she want to break through her wall? To rid herself of guilt for not wanting to be her mother? Sophie was nothing more than an obligation to her now.
She bit into the ham sandwich, slaving to hide her emotions. “I’ve already forgiven you.”
“You have?” Jacky cried.
Sophie wanted the conversation to end. No amount of talking would bring back her mother or the Jacky she used to trust. She would tell her therapist that she forgave Jacky, then she could move on like a normal teenager. “We’re fine. Really.”
Jacky moved in closer. “I love you. I hope you know that.”
Redirect. Redirect. “I do.” She pushed away from the counter. “I’ve got to get ready for tonight. Ashley and her boyfriend are picking me up in a little while. We’re going to decorate the homecoming float.”
Jacky brightened. “Oh. Okay. That’s good. Time with friends is good.” She balanced her hands on the kitchen counter. “
That definitely sounds like more fun than a movie at home.”
Sophie lifted the giant burden of maternal duties from Jacky’s shoulders with so little ease that it terrified her. She saved her that night from having to muddle in the responsibility of someone else’s problem, someone else’s daughter.
A couple of hours later, Sophie pasted crumbled up tissue paper to the side of a wagon while listening to her friends carry on about senseless things like lipstick shades, dresses for homecoming, hairstyle options and whether they should rent limos or have their parents chauffeur them.
They all had parents at home who would help them decide these important teenage questions. They’d go home afterwards and laugh on the couch with their families, carefree of any weight. Maybe like she used to do with Jacky and her mother, they’d joke about the day’s funny moments and plan bike rides and picnics in the park for the upcoming weekend.
How lucky. Sophie would return home to Jacky, someone who had no choice but to provide a roof and food for her. Jacky didn’t choose to be a mother. Sophie was a sidekick, cute and small at first, requiring little more than an occasional tickle or visit to the corner ice-cream shop.
So she couldn’t blame Jacky for being honest the day her mother died. Jacky got it right. Sophie was not her daughter, and Jacky was certainly not her mother. Jacky didn’t plan on being a mother any more than Sophie planned on being an orphan.
Instead of pretending to enjoy gluing colored tissue paper to a cardboard float, Sophie just wanted to be alone in her room, escaping all of the stupid teenaged angst.
Chapter Two
Two years later…
They said adopt her. They said she’s perfect and will be wonderful with the honeybees. Well, why should Brooke Hastings doubt her grandparents, Tom and Elise Cove? They never steered her down the wrong path before.
Her pepe found the dog on the side of the highway with no tags or microchip.
“The shelter will take her, but she didn’t like their cage at all,” Pepe said. “Maybe it’s time you adopt a new dog. She’s not Zippy, but she is cute.”
