The Dance

by Suzie Carr

  Jacky wished she had eggs. Lots of eggs. She’d like to toss them at all those window panes.

  Kate didn’t deserve pretty flowers and fancy cars. She didn’t deserve to be happy.

  Jacky cried out in pain. Kate wormed her way into their lives and ruined it, and she stood by like an idiot unaware of any of it.

  Jacky picked up one of the stone frogs and eyed the window.

  Think of the consequences she could hear Marie whispering to her.

  Sophie entered her consciousness. Poor Sophie.

  She placed the frog down and stared into the living room window. She saw Kate at the far end of the house, fiddling with something in the kitchen, unaware of her presence.

  All those getaway trips for the dojo and silent nights made sense now that Jacky knew the truth. They had stopped having fun a long time ago, and Kate stood in as the filler.

  Had Drew ever loved her?

  Yes. She did. Jacky trusted that much. That trust in her love hurt her the most; the trust that you could love someone with all your heart one day and fall just as quickly to the love of another in a blink.

  She walked back home without tossing one stone or plucking one plant, and gritted her teeth with the sting of every single pebble that time. They stuck in her feet like needles.

  Chapter Seventeen

  When Sophie returned from Ashley’s the next morning, she smelled apple cinnamon. She tossed her bag on the couch and ventured into the kitchen where she found Jacky wiping crumbs off the counter. “Hey kiddo. Hungry?”

  The smell of apple cinnamon reminded Sophie of happier times, back when her mother filled the home with laughter. Every Sunday morning, Jacky would bake them apple cinnamon muffins and together they’d lounge in their bedroom, reading the newspaper, petting Rosy, and devouring them. “What’s the occasion?”

  Jacky poured a handful of crumbs into the sink. “I thought we could use some apple cinnamon muffins for a change.”

  A calmness surrounded Jacky as she placed the plates down on the kitchen island.

  “Everything okay?” Sophie braved to ask.

  Jacky looked up at her. “Everything is okay, kiddo. So tell me about this presentation coming up. What are you going to talk about?” Jacky plopped down on the stool adjacent from her, and pulled the baking wrapper from a muffin.

  Sophie picked up a muffin from the baking pan, unwrapped it, and sank her teeth into it. The spiciness tickled her senses, watering her mouth. “I’m going to talk about all sorts of fascinating bee facts, like the waggle dance.”

  “Talk to me about the waggle dance.” Jacky bit into the muffin and crumbs dropped to the island.

  “Well, okay, it’s how bees talk to each other. Did you know they are experts in solar compassing?”

  Jacky devoured another large bite and spoke with her mouth full. “What’s that?”

  “They know the sun’s exact position at all times, and its relationship to food sources.”

  “Fascinating,” Jacky said, and more crumbs fell to the island.

  “They did a study with a colony where they set up two food sources in opposite directions of the hives. Then, as bees began to find the source, they marked the ones who were in one food source with a red mark and the others at the other food source with a blue mark. Then, they observed as the bees came back to the hive. They watched them perform what’s known as a waggle dance, which means they dance in a figure eight, using the sun and the food source as their directional points. Here’s where it gets interesting. The red ones started their figure eight at a different point than the blue ones. They discovered the bees were dancing to show the other bees the location of the food. Even though the bees were in a dark hive, they could still understand the position of the sun in relationship to the position of the nutrients and their home. They’re true map readers.”

  “Sounds like they could have fun with outwitting each other.”

  “No, that’s just it.” Sophie sat up on her folded legs. “They don’t deceive. They say it like they see it.”

  Jacky shoved more muffin in her mouth. “I’d like to be a bee.”

  “Me too.” Sophie licked her fingers, just like she used to as a little girl.

  They met on a smile.

  “You’re happy with beekeeping, huh?” Jacky placed the rest of her muffin down on her plate and gazed at her with the same awe she used to when she’d win cheerleader competitions or debates.

  “I feel alive when I’m with them.”

  Jacky cupped her hand over Sophie’s wrist. “You have no idea how happy I am that you, my beautiful daughter, have found such a love for life.”

  Sophie caught her breath, then clenched her jaw to hide the rush of emotions. She put the other half of her muffin down and fingered it until it became a pile of crumbs. She could feel Jacky staring at her. When she looked up, Jacky’s eyes were filled with tears.

  Sophie’s cell rang and saved her from an uncomfortable segue into a mushy moment. “It’s Auntie Marie.” Sophie jumped off the stool and answered, “Hey Auntie.”

  Jacky whispered, “Tell her I said hey.”

  Sophie continued staring into Jacky’s watery eyes when she said into her phone, “Momma J says hey.”

  Sophie turned away just as Jacky broke out into a soft cry. She cleared the room before Jacky could see her own tears, too.

  ~ ~

  A few hours later, Marie and Hazel sat with Sophie and their dog, Zen. “Is Jacky okay?”

  Marie couldn’t lie. “Maybe it’s time you and Momma J have an honest to goodness conversation.”

  “She was acting weird this morning. Is she sick?”

  Marie and Hazel shared a look.

  When Marie turned back, she noticed panic took over the poor girl’s face. “Oh, God, no. It’s nothing like that. Though, I guess it kind of puts what I’m about to say into perspective.”

  Sophie looked directly at her with the maturity of an adult. “She knows about Ms. Kate.”

  Marie squirmed. “I’m not going to lie to you, so yes. She discovered some text messages.”

  “When?”

  “Last night.”

  Sophie cupped her hands around her face. “We ate muffins together this morning.” Realization played out, as if she dug around her beautiful brain for details on something important. “That means she doesn’t hate me.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, why would she hate you?”

  Sophie lowered her hands to her lap. “I’m not her real daughter, and so I was afraid she’d leave if she ever knew about my mom and Ms. Kate.”

  “Just what kind of person do you think she is?” Marie asked, defending her best friend to an agonized teenager.

  Hazel slapped her clear across her arm. “Marie, give her a break, will you?” Her eyebrows arched high.

  “No, she’s right,” Sophie agreed. “Jacky’s been through a lot, too, and I’ve been so worried about how that would affect me that I didn’t wonder about how it affected her.”

  “You’ve both been through hell and backwards on the slow train,” Marie said. “It’s time to get off that one and find a new way.”

  Hazel rolled her eyes. “Always talking in analogies.”

  “Well, do you have a better idea?”

  Hazel faced Sophie. “Ask her what she saw and tell her what you saw. Simple. Tell the truth. Hiding it doesn’t help. It blocks you from bonding.”

  Hazel leaned in toward Marie. Then she did something out of the blue, something Marie had waited their entire life together to experience. She lifted her chin with her finger and planted a kiss on her lips right in front of Sophie.

  Sophie gasped, then giggled. “Well, it’s about time.”

  “Yes,” Marie whispered and winked at Hazel. “It sure is.”

  ~ ~

  “Jacky?” Sophie whispered.

  Jacky woke up from a nap with a giant gasp, as if she’d just taken her head out of a plastic bag. She’d been dreaming of being in the bee apiary and thousand
s of bees attacked her, causing her throat to swell and air circulation to cease.

  “Sophie.” Jacky rose up in the bed, bracing herself with her wobbly arms. She composed herself by smoothing over her hair and licking her dry lips.

  Sophie sat down. “I have something to confess.”

  “Okay, kiddo. You can tell me anything.”

  “I saw them kiss once.”

  Jacky froze. “You saw who kiss?”

  “My mom and Ms. Kate.”

  Jacky drew a deep breath.

  “Ashley and I were getting some soda and they were in the foyer. They didn’t see us. We saw them. I didn’t want you to be hurt, so I didn’t tell you. But,” Sophie wrestled with her fingers, “more importantly, I didn’t want you to leave us. That’s why I never told you.” Giant teardrops leaked down Sophie’s cheeks.

  Jacky pulled her into her embrace. “Oh, kiddo,” she said, rocking her gently. “Even if your mom and I didn’t work things out, I’d never leave you.” She hugged her tighter. “You’re my daughter. I could never imagine my life without you in it.”

  Sophie leaned into her shoulder. “Aunt Marie told me about the text messages. Mom ruined everything.”

  Jacky continued to rock her. “No. She didn’t ruin everything. She’s your mom, and despite whatever she did, she’s still a beautiful person who loved you and in her own way, I suppose maybe loved me too. What she did was wrong and hurtful. She made a mistake.” And mistakes, just like her own, needed to be forgiven so they can lay to rest.

  “Will you ever be able to forgive her?”

  Jacky blew out air, attempting to balance without much success. “I’ve already forgiven her.”

  Sophie relaxed in her arms, crying softly. “You’re such a good person. You make it impossible to stay mad at you.”

  “Why would you want to be mad at me?”

  “Self-preservation, I suppose,” she muffled.

  Jacky backed up, and Sophie lifted her head. A sadness sat on Sophie’s face.

  “I don’t understand,” Jacky said.

  “I’ve got something to show you.” Sophie rose from her bed, took Jacky’s hand, and led her to her bedroom.

  She pulled out a Taylor Swift CD and opened it. “I wrote a letter to myself right after the funeral.” She pulled a piece of torn paper out of the CD jacket.

  Jacky took the letter and sat down on the bed.

  I’m the only one who drives Sophie to every cheerleading practice, student council meeting, and slumber party. You can come home and take your own daughter to the eye appointment. Yes, she’s your daughter!

  Jacky’s blood turned cold. “Oh my God.”

  “I wrote this letter to myself the day of the funeral. I wrote it because I needed someone to blame. You were that person.”

  Jacky couldn’t look at Sophie. The shame ran too deep. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I also wrote it out of fear. I was so afraid that you wouldn’t want me anymore. So, I needed to be mad at you in case you sent me away. The anger that came from reading it, protected me. So, each night for months, I’d read that letter. Every once in a while, when I let myself get too close to you, too comfortable, I’d read the letter again.”

  “Those were just words I tossed out because I was angry.”

  “I know that now.”

  Jacky met her eye, and in them she saw love and the gift of forgiveness.

  “I’m sorry I kept this from you for so long,” she said. “I didn’t understand it all until I finally learned what family meant. The bees showed me that. They taught me that honest talks are necessary to the family unit. Without connection the hive is in danger of dying.” The tears kept flowing. “I don’t want our hive to die.”

  She hugged Sophie, hugged her with all the love and power she possessed so it could fill her and let her know without an ounce of doubt that she loved her and could trust her.

  “Can we start a fire in the pit right now?” Sophie asked, not letting go of her embrace.

  “Roast a few marshmallows?”

  “I hate marshmallows.”

  “I thought you liked them,” Jacky said, pulling away.

  “I only pretended to because you liked them.”

  Jacky laughed. “What other secrets have I to discover?”

  “No more secrets. Just one important task.”

  Sophie reached for the letter, and Jacky gratefully relinquished it. She followed her daughter out of her bedroom and out to the fire pit. Together they built a grand fire, one mighty enough to help them move forward together in harmony.

  Sophie handed the letter to Jacky. “Would you like to do the honors?”

  “No. I’d prefer that act be saved for you.”

  Sophie tossed the letter into the flickering flames. “The bees taught me a valuable life lesson.”

  Jacky put her arm around Sophie’s shoulder. “What would that be, kiddo?”

  “That most problems can be solved easily if we just learn to talk about them openly and honestly.”

  Jacky watched the flames grow larger. “It’s that simple.”

  “Yep,” Sophie said, leaning her head against the crook in Jacky shoulder. “It was that simple all along.”

  They stood in silence for a while, each caught up in their telling moment when they learned that the truth could set a person free.

  “By the way,” Sophie said, “Auntie Hazel kissed Auntie Marie this morning.”

  “How is it you keep catching people in these kisses?”

  “I’ve seen you kiss Brooke, too.” Sophie smirked.

  Jacky turned her foot up and patted Sophie’s ankle with it. Together they stood in silence watching the flames dance as their goofy smiles grew bigger.

  ~ ~

  It took Jacky some time before she could face Drew.

  She stood before her memory stone and inhaled a long thoughtful breath.

  Guilt no longer pinned her down. Granted, she never should’ve used those two bitter words in the end. She would never use them again. She’d learned her lesson. She was human, and she made a grave mistake. Just as Drew was human and made her grave mistakes.

  Drew needed to be needed. She craved attention the way a flower craved the sun. She loved new things and experiences, and so Kate offered that to her. If Drew had lived, Kate would have realized soon enough that she had failed too. Drew needed nourishment from them both to stay alive and perky, smiling like a sunflower in a summer garden. Such life needed new tilled soil and constant conditioning. It needed the crafty and clever hands of a creative gardener who understood the necessity in its rotation. Drew needed to feel alive. Routine sucked the life right out of her.

  And so, she caved and made a mistake.

  Knowing Drew, she would’ve kicked herself for the pain she caused, trudging over the sad fact in her mind that if she could’ve done it over again, she would never have indulged in that first sip, that first kiss, that first regrettable step into adultery. If given the chance to peek into the future, she’d love more and hurt less. She’d act out of civility and omission instead of rage and despair. She’d gamble on the good faith of selfless surrenders rather than cling to the false promise of an ego feed.

  Drew didn’t set out to be a cheater. Jacky trusted that. Drew didn’t want to fall out of love with her and tangle up in the web of deception with Kate on any conscious level. Her body and soul craved the unknown. The lure at the edge of reason dangled in front of her like a chocolate bar covered in the sweetest of sugars, tempting her, teasing her, falsely promising her that with just one hit, she’d be able to walk away and settle back into her routine with a grateful heart.

  She was not able to.

  Drew could not be satisfied with a life lacking euphoric highs. Jacky was no more capable of producing those than desiring to do so. Jacky preferred stability over mystery. She enjoyed quiet evenings in front of the fire over a dance fest in a crowded club. They survived as two polar opposites wanting to change the other to fit their mold
of what perfection stood for only to find themselves in a rat race of sorts. The only option out was to follow the intended path, opposite each other.

  Jacky would never know the logic or lack thereof behind Drew’s cheating. She’d never know if Drew loved her to the moment she took her last breath or not. She would never know whose face she saw last, besides Sophie’s of course – hers or Kate’s. The one and only constant was the unknown of it all. Life was one big unknown, tossing temptations and untamed knee-jerks around like glitter in a snow globe. Jacky tired of being a victim to the shake of that globe. She tired of chasing those flecks of circumstance and running out of space to put them all. No matter how much of the mess she cleared, more showed up out of nowhere and cluttered her life.

  That was life. Take it or leave it. Wallow or rise up with it.

  She refused to continue swallowing the bitterness of regret. Focusing on the mess didn’t do her or anyone else any good. She needed to start pinpointing new ways she could turn those flecks into something more purposeful.

  Knowing the truth changed everything. She couldn’t get back on the same track once knocked off it. She would have to find a new track and dig into it until it worked. Jacky didn’t know where that track sat, what it looked like, or how she’d get there, but she knew it would be worth exploring.

  Before she began that new discovery, she needed to forgive both Drew and Kate, just as Sophie had forgiven her. The anger would eat away at her future if allowed to fester any more than it already had.

  She placed a pink carnation on Drew’s stone. She loved pink carnations. “I hope you can forgive me, too,” she said, then walked away down the path she had traveled so many times before that, on her way toward freedom.

  She climbed back into her car, drove the ten miles to her next stop, and braced for the next step.