Worth Waiting For

by Burrows, Jax

  Lexi froze and stood still, letting the mayhem that ensued wash over her. Tom and Craig greeted each other like old friends and started talking at the same time. Riordan said hello to Jess and Mrs O’Connor held her hands out to Jade with a sweet smile on her face.

  ‘And you must be Jade. What a beautiful dress! Are you an angel or a fairy?’

  Jade, who had recovered her voice and confidence, said, ‘I’m your God-fairy mother.’

  Mrs O’Connor beamed. ‘How delightful, I’ve always wanted my very own God-fairy mother.’

  She noticed Lexi, hovering anxiously on the edge of the group and enveloped her in a warm hug. ‘Lexi, – it’s lovely to meet you, dear. Come and sit down and I’ll make some tea.’

  Mrs O’Connor was a tall woman with greying hair pulled into a bun, but she wore jeans and a baggy shirt under her apron and had sparkling blue eyes and a genuine, sweet smile. She had a serenity about her and a natural warmth. Lexi found herself relaxing. Maybe this lovely lady wouldn’t judge her too harshly.

  Soon they were all settled around the large, scrubbed wooden kitchen table; everyone talking at once and two or three conversations going on at the same time. Lexi found it a bit overwhelming, so just sat and listened.

  ‘Where’s Dad?’ Casey asked.

  ‘He’s out on a call, but he’ll be back in time for lunch. He promised,’ said Mrs O’Connor.

  ‘He shouldn’t still be doing house calls,’ Casey said, ‘the NHS has got a service now that takes that kind of pressure off GPs. Why doesn’t he use it?’

  ‘Oh, you know your father,’ said Mrs O’Connor, ‘he still believes in the personal touch. He’s known this patient all her life.’

  ‘He needs to start winding down towards retirement. Start taking it easy.’

  ‘Well, don’t tell him that, dear, or there’ll be hell to pay,’ said their mother. ‘Anyway, how did you all enjoy the Family Fun Day? I’m sorry I missed it.’

  They all started talking at the same time; the children’s voices just as loud as the grown-ups. Mrs O’Connor seemed to take it all in her stride, smiling at everyone in turn as they regaled her with details of their day together.

  Once again, Lexi began to feel like an outsider, so sat quietly and said nothing. This is what it must be like to be part of a loving family. Unconditional love, acceptance and someone who genuinely wanted to know how you feel about things and who listened with no judgement or criticism, but she knew that she had yet to face the music and explain herself to Casey’s parents.

  The group started to disperse; Craig and Tom to watch movies in Tom’s room, with Jade trailing after them.

  ‘I better go too,’ Jess said, ‘I’ll make sure the God-fairy mother doesn’t make a nuisance of herself.’

  Lexi made frantic “Don’t leave me” signals to Jess who smiled and shrugged before disappearing after the children.

  Riordan and Casey wandered off to the living-room to watch the rugby, Wales versus the All Blacks, which left Lexi sitting at the table with Mrs O’Connor.

  ‘Right, better get the lunch started. Dan will be back soon,’ she said. Lexi could smell the lamb which would have been cooking for a while, judging by the delicious aroma that was swirling around the kitchen.

  ‘Do you want some help, Mrs O’Connor?’ Lexi asked. She really didn’t think her culinary skills would be up to Casey’s mother’s high standard, but she had to offer.

  ‘Oh yes, thank you dear. And please call me Eloise. We don’t stand on ceremony in this family. Would you like to peel the carrots?’

  Lexi waited for the questions and accusations which she was sure would follow now that they were alone, but they never came. Instead, Eloise, as Lexi now thought of her, chatted about nursing and how much it had changed since her day. She asked her about her friendship with Jess and how hard it must have been for her when she found out she was pregnant.

  Not once did Eloise mention the fact that she missed out on Jade’s early years. In fact, she proved to be such a good listener that Lexi found herself recalling stories of her pregnancy, her struggle to cope as a single parent and so much more.

  Eloise put her hand on her arm. ‘You don’t need to be alone anymore, my dear; you’re part of our family now.’

  *

  It was the semi-final of the Six Nations Rugby and Casey and Riordan were indulging in their ongoing argument about which is better, Union or League. Casey favoured Union and Riordan, League. Casey was just winding up for another attack when Riordan abruptly changed the subject.

  ‘What’s the deal with you and Lexi?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Are you a couple?’

  ‘No, just colleagues and Jade’s parents.’ Casey took a swig from his beer, his gazed fixed on the television screen. He wasn’t going to admit that he was still wildly attracted to her.

  ‘She’s not what I expected.’

  ‘In what way?’

  ‘When you told me about the night of the Summer Solstice Ball and meeting a hot woman with whom you had wild sex, I was picturing a rather different person.’

  ‘You don’t think Lexi is capable of hot sex?’

  Riordan chuckled and sat forward with his elbows on his knees. ‘The women you go for are sophisticated, confident, professional women. Lexi seems rather timid and unsure of herself. She’s not what I thought, that’s all.’

  ‘To be honest, Bro, I was a bit surprised when I took her to dinner. There was no sign of the kick-ass lady that I met four years ago. Whether becoming a mother has changed her, or she wasn’t being herself that night, I’m not sure.’

  The men stopped their conversation as Wales scored a try. The All Blacks resumed the attack and Casey became engrossed in the game again.

  ‘Why didn’t she swim with the rest of us? And why was she so scared that something was going to happen to Jade? She’ll make your daughter as neurotic as she is if she’s not careful.’

  ‘She’s not neurotic, Bro, just over-protective. She doesn’t like to let Jade out of her sight.’

  ‘That will have to change now. You’re Jade’s father and have rights. Lots of couples share childcare but live separate lives. You can make it work if you stay friendly. Why can’t you see Jade on her own? Now that she’s been introduced to the family and she seems perfectly happy with us. Think about it. You have options. She doesn’t have to have it all her own way.’

  ‘Okay, I will.’

  *

  Despite Riordan’s warning, Casey thought things were going well. Lexi had started to relax and was getting on with his parents, especially his mother. Everyone loved Jade who had taken a shine to Tom, so much so that she never took her eyes off him and copied his every move. If he took a drink, Jade did too. When Tom helped himself to more roast potatoes, so did Jade, even though she hadn’t eaten the ones already on her plate.

  Everyone found it amusing but realized, from Tom’s point of view, such adoration from a little girl could get old very quickly.

  He could tell his parents were delighted with their granddaughter and couldn’t wait for the opportunity to spoil her.

  Yes, everything was going well.

  He was tucking into his roast lamb, trying not to eat too fast, when his mobile rang. He glanced at the screen. ‘It’s Raj, my registrar; he’s on call so I need to get this, sorry.’ Everyone nodded, fully understanding that when duty called, doctors were obliged to answer.

  He left the dining-room and went into the hallway. After a quick conversation, he returned to the table.

  ‘Problems?’ asked his Dad.

  ‘One of my patients has just been admitted with an overdose. I need to go, I’m afraid.’

  He looked over at Lexi who was staring at him, waiting for him to tell her who the patient was. ‘It’s Shelley. You don’t need to come unless you want to. Riordan can take you all home, can’t you?’

  ‘Sure, no problems,’ Riordan replied, smiling at Lexi.

  ‘Of course I’ll come.
’ Lexi got up and said to Jade, ‘Come on, honey, we need to go now.’ She seemed eager to leave, almost relieved at the interruption.

  ‘I wanna stay here with Tom.’ Her face was set, and Casey looked at Lexi helplessly.

  ‘She’s fine here, Lexi, why not leave her with us so we can get to know her a bit better?’ said his mother. He saw the yearning in her eyes and recognized how hard it had been for both his parents to find out about Jade and know how much of her short life they’d already missed out on. But, true to form, they were keeping their private feelings to themselves.

  Lexi hesitated, doing her rabbit caught in the headlights act, but then she shrugged and talked quietly to Jade, explaining that mummy and daddy would be back as soon as they could. It made him go all gooey inside, hearing her say ‘Mummy and Daddy’ as if they were a proper family.

  ‘What kind of overdose?’ Riordan asked, and Casey knew exactly what he was thinking.

  ‘Deliberate,’ he answered.

  ‘Is history repeating itself, Bro?’ Riordan asked.

  ‘Not if I have anything to do with it, it isn’t.’

  Chapter Fourteen

  They were silent as they drove towards the hospital, Lexi wondering if she had done the right thing leaving Jade alone with strangers, but they weren’t all strangers. She had Jess and Craig, had already met Riordan and Tom, who she was completely obsessed with, and this was the perfect opportunity for her to get to know her grandparents.

  So, why did she feel as if she had abandoned her child? Because, once again, she was on the outside. Eloise had been eager to be alone with her granddaughter and Jade had smiled and waved happily at herself and Casey when they left. Her daughter had been totally unconcerned that her mother and father were leaving her. She had been dismissed.

  Was this her future? Jade had a nice new family and didn’t need her mum anymore? She knew she was being stupid but couldn’t help feeling a sense of foreboding.

  It had just been the two of them, and Jess and Craig of course, since Jade was born, but now she had to share her. She didn’t want to share her. She wanted to keep her all to herself.

  She glanced at Casey who was staring at the road ahead and frowning. He must have sensed her watching him as he turned his head briefly before looking back at the road.

  ‘Thanks for letting Jade stay with my parents. It means a lot to them.’

  ‘It’s the least I can do,’ she replied. After denying them so much of Jade’s life. She was still puzzled as to why that hadn’t been mentioned. Maybe they were saving it all up for another occasion. Perhaps she hadn’t dodged that bullet after all.

  They both fell silent again, but Lexi felt the need to talk.

  ‘You must see loads of overdose patients, especially amongst drug addicts.’

  Casey nodded but said nothing. Lexi tried again.

  ‘What did Riordan mean about history repeating itself?’

  Casey sighed and squirmed slightly in his seat. ‘I never told you why I left London, did I?’

  ‘You never told me the full story. You just needed a change, I think you said.’ Casey told her very little of his personal life. In fact, the man was virtually a stranger even though they had a child together.

  ‘There was a girl, a lot like Shelley. A heroin addict whose family didn’t want anything to do with her. She appeared in A&E every Saturday night, regular as clockwork. Sometimes she was high on drugs, sometimes she just wanted some attention.’

  ‘Poor girl!’ muttered Lexi. She couldn’t imagine being so desperately lonely that the only place she could find sympathy and a listening ear was the emergency department of a hospital. Thank heavens for friends. She silently gave thanks for Jess.

  Casey stiffened beside her, then he sighed. ‘As you say, poor girl.’

  ‘Go on,’ she whispered.

  ‘It was a frantically busy Saturday night. As well as the usual drunks and addicts, we’d had our fair share of elderly people slipping on ice and fracturing various bits of themselves. It had been a hard winter and when the girl showed up, I thought she just wanted to get out of the cold. But she had taken more stuff than I at first realized.’

  Casey paused. The road ahead was blocked with Sunday drivers and they slowed right down at some road works, then came to a complete stop at a set of temporary traffic lights.

  ‘What happened to her?’

  Casey frowned and stared ahead unseeing.

  ‘She wanted to discharge herself and I tried to persuade her not to, but I didn’t try hard enough. Then I had to leave her alone to deal with a child who was having a bad asthma attack. We nearly lost him but managed to pull him around just in time.’

  ‘That was good.’ Lexi could feel the tension in the car as Casey lived through that fateful night all over again.

  ‘Yes. Then we got a code red. The kind that everyone dreads. Three cars were involved. There were fatalities, and one of them was the girl. She must have left when I was treating the child. She walked in front of a taxi that had to slam on the brakes and the two cars behind went into the back of each other. Sadly, he was going too fast to avoid hitting her. She was dead on arrival.’ Casey’s voice was dull and expressionless, concealing a world of pain.

  ‘Oh Casey. You can’t blame yourself for her death. You can’t stop patients discharging themselves.’ But she knew he did blame himself, as any doctor would in those circumstances. As she would have done if Shelley had walked out of A&E and something had happened to her.

  ‘It was my fault. I should have tried harder. She was my patient. My responsibility. I let her down. I’m not letting Shelley down.’ He was silent then and Lexi knew the conversation was over.

  The traffic started moving again and shortly afterwards they arrived at Leytonsfield General.

  *

  ‘How bad is she?’ he asked Raj who looked calm but tired. A&E was full as usual. The smell of lavender permeated the air. He was glad to see the staff were behind his essential oils therapy. Anything that improved the lives of patients and staff was worth trying, in his opinion.

  ‘She’s in here.’ His registrar led him to one of the cubicles. ‘She’s asleep but was in a right state when they brought her in. I suspect domestic abuse, so I’ve contacted Social Services.’

  ‘Good man. I’ll just sit with her for a while in case she wakes up.’ He turned to Lexi who was hovering anxiously at the entrance to the cubicle. ‘Do you mind staying? She may not wake up for ages though.’

  ‘No, it’s okay, I’ll stay with you.’

  There was only one grey plastic chair next to the bed, so he indicated that Lexi should take that one. He searched around to find one for himself, then set it down next to hers. Raj had disappeared, so they sat side-by-side, staring at Shelley.

  She was in the recovery position, surrounded by pillows and Casey didn’t know which was paler, his patient’s face or the linen. At least she was alive and would remain so if he had anything to do with it.

  It was strangely peaceful in the cubicle with the heavy curtains drawn around them. Voices, the sound of feet on linoleum and the clatter of trolleys and equipment seemed distant and unconnected to the three of them huddled together in the tiny space.

  Casey sat in silence with his hands in his pockets and watched Shelley breathing deeply, due to the sedation she’d been given. In, out. In, out.

  The silence stretched on, punctuated by the background noises of a busy A&E department, to the point where Casey’s eyelids started to droop. It wasn’t often he just sat and did nothing. Forced inactivity didn’t come easily to him. He was a man of action, always wanting to be up and doing.

  He didn’t like to be alone with his thoughts; they tended to stray to negative things. All the mistakes he’d ever made, his drug addict patient who’d stepped in front of a taxi, Helen and his aborted child. Helen hadn’t even told him she was pregnant, yet she had taken it upon herself to make the decision to terminate their baby. His child. His own flesh and blood. Would he
have had a daughter or a son? He’d never know.

  Casey shifted uncomfortably on the chair, sat forward with his elbows on his knees and placed his head in his hands. He closed his eyes. The small, stuffy cubicle felt claustrophobic suddenly. The smell of lavender was strong. Perhaps he’d stick to citrus from now on.

  ‘I want to tell you something.’ Lexi’s voice near to his ear was quiet and small, slightly husky from the long period they had sat together, not speaking.

  He looked up. She sat huddled on the chair with her arms folded, staring at the floor.

  ‘A confession?’ he asked.

  ‘In a way.’ Still she didn’t look at him, so he sat back on his chair and waited.

  ‘I know you think I’m a wuss because I won’t have swimming lessons.’

  ‘Lexi – I don’t think anything of the kind.’

  ‘It’s okay, I don’t blame you. I am a wuss. I’m so scared of drowning.’

  People weren’t usually scared of things for no reason. He thought of her lonely childhood and wondered about all the pain she kept inside.

  ‘What happened?’ he asked. She cleared her throat before she spoke.

  ‘The primary school I went to took us swimming when we were ten. I was being bullied at the time by a kid called Howard. He knew I was scared of him; I couldn’t hide it. He threatened me with all the things he was going to do to me, but it had just been talk up to then. He never actually touched me. Until one day.’

  A chill ran down Casey’s spine, causing his fists to clench and his jaw to tighten. The thought of anyone hurting her was almost too much to bear, but he had to stay calm for her sake and listen.

  ‘Go on,’ he said, trying to sound encouraging but hearing the bite in his own voice.

  ‘He pushed me in at the deep end and I sank to the bottom. That was bad enough as I’d never even been under the water before. If he’d just left it there, I might have been alright, but I couldn’t rise to the surface. I could see lights, shimmering shadows and figures above me, but I couldn’t reach them.’