Worth Waiting For

by Burrows, Jax

  ‘What do you think I should do?’

  ‘Give her space, like I say. Not Jade, of course. You’ve established a routine with your daughter that’s obviously working well. Kids need routine, but does Lexi have to accompany her to everything? Jade is perfectly happy with you on her own, so why not spend quality time alone with her? Give Lexi the chance to do her own thing. It sounds to me as if you feel responsible for Lexi as well as Jade, but you’re not, she’s a grown woman.’

  ‘I want to encourage Lexi to join in, so the three of us can be a family.’

  ‘You’re too impetuous, that’s your trouble, always were. As a kid you needed instant gratification, wouldn’t wait for anything.’

  ‘But if you know what you want, why not go for it?’

  ‘If something’s worth having, it’s worth waiting for.’

  ‘That’s exactly what Lexi said once,’ said Casey, remembering the look she gave him as she spoke the words. A look that nearly brought him to his knees.

  ‘There you are then, that’s your answer.’

  *

  Plastic chairs were grouped around the bandstand where a tribute band played eighties songs. Lexi sat next to Casey enjoying the show. They were good and soon the crowd were singing along with them. Even Dan and Eloise tapped their feet to the music.

  Lexi had thoroughly enjoyed herself this evening. Surprisingly. She had accepted Casey’s suggestion of them all going to the Bonfire Extravaganza together graciously, pushing down any objections and fears that had immediately sprung into her mind, and there were plenty. Fireworks were dangerous as were bonfires, even the organized ones. Things could still go wrong and get out of hand so quickly. She’d worked in A&E long enough to see plenty of burn victims. And don’t get her started on sparklers. The heat from a sparkler was almost as hot as lava, apparently. It didn’t bear thinking about the pain that one could cause an innocent child.

  Bonfire night was worse than Halloween.

  But she was determined to stop living her life in fear. Shelley had told her she was strong, and she was going to be from now on. She’d visited her on the ward and Shelley had asked her to go with her when she looked at safe havens for battered women. Lexi had been checking them out and was quite excited to be part of helping Shelley make the first steps to her new life. Shelley was more relaxed with her since Halloween and had started opening up to her more, talking about the brutality of her ex-boyfriend. She hadn’t told the police yet though and Lexi was reluctant to push her. She didn’t want to damage the friendship that was starting to build between them.

  She thought about what Shelley had said about Casey. She was right, she would never meet another man like him. He was kind, thoughtful, gentle, intelligent, a good father, a great lover. He was perfect, in fact. The realisation that there were women everywhere who would snap Casey up if given the chance had come as a wake-up call. Dr Catalina Martinez was quite a catch and more of an equal for Casey than she was. Perhaps she was already too late.

  She looked around at the people in Manor Park. It was full of families; kids, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, all smiling, singing along to the music, their children playing happily. There were also teenagers, some in couples kissing in dark corners, or brazenly out in the open, not a care in the world.

  Isn’t this the life she’d always dreamed of? Alone at night in the children’s home, spinning fantasies of having a family of her own one day. Reading her romance novels where besotted couples declared their undying love for each other. This was her dream, and it was within her grasp.

  She knew Casey was attracted to her, their nights of hot sex and passion had proved that. But did his feelings run deeper than that? The fact that he had never talked about his emotions at all was making her think that it was a personality trait and not because he didn’t have feelings for her. Casey was a man of action, not a talker. He was an athlete with a magnificent body who swam fifty lengths every day. Perhaps he wasn’t comfortable talking about his emotions. Maybe he was waiting for her to tell him how she was feeling.

  If they were both waiting for the other to start the conversation, they were going to be waiting forever. Perhaps she should make the first move and ask him directly. And sitting here in the darkness, listening to music when he would be happy and relaxed was as good a time as any.

  ‘Casey…?’

  ‘Yes? Oh, by the way, before I forget, I’ll be in London for the next couple of weeks. It’s the “Urgent and Emergency Care Conference” and I’m lucky to get a place as I registered a bit late. Then I’m taking some time off to visit some old friends, so I won’t be able to see Jade for a week or so. I’ll bring her something back from London to make up for it. Sorry, I should have said something earlier.’

  ‘Yes, you should. She’ll be devastated, but don’t worry I’ll explain it to her.’

  ‘I’m sorry, but this is something I really don’t want to miss. I need to keep up to date with best practice in emergency care. It’s part of my job, Lexi, you know that.’

  ‘Of course I do, but I just wish you’d given me more notice. I could have prepared her.’

  ‘Yes, you’re right, sorry.’ Casey did sound sorry, so Lexi decided to let it go, but she wasn’t happy.

  Jade looked forward to seeing her daddy in the evenings, to read her a story and tuck her up in bed with a goodnight kiss. Still, she understood. Consultants, especially new ones like Casey, needed to stay ahead of the game and keep up to date with the latest techniques for saving lives. He was only doing his job, it wasn’t as if he was swanning off on holiday.

  Lexi still felt let down. He should have told her earlier, then they could have explained to Jade together. Instead, it was left to her to pick up the pieces.

  The night had lost its magic and she was glad when Casey took them home. He walked them to the door of the cottage, watched as Jess and Craig entered, then kissed and hugged Jade, telling her he would see her soon and that he loved her.

  Lexi expected a kiss goodbye at least, if only on the cheek, but Casey just waved his hand and told her he’d ring when he was back from London. Then he got into his car and drove off leaving Lexi feeling puzzled and hurt by his offhand behaviour.

  Chapter Twenty

  Casey was enjoying being back in London. He’d missed the busyness of the place, the constant buzz of traffic and people hurrying everywhere. There was a satisfying blend of old and new with the historic landmarks mixing with the modern architecture, such as the Shard and the Gherkin. He felt the weight of its history in every old building and the promise of the future in the modern, sleek lines of skyscrapers and office buildings.

  The hotel hosting the conference was five-star with two good restaurants and three bars. On the second night, he was feeling content having just enjoyed a three-course meal with a group of doctors on the course, one of whom was Catalina Martinez. He had been delighted to find she was attending as well, and they had travelled down to London together on the train. The more he got to know her, the more he liked her. She was gentle with a wicked sense of humour, and they seemed to be on the same wavelength about so many things.

  Casey had his back to the door and was telling Catalina about his experiences as an A&E registrar in London, when he realised her attention was wandering. She usually listened as if she was drinking in every word, but this time she kept glancing behind him, over his left shoulder, at the entrance to the bar.

  ‘Am I boring you?’ he asked, jokingly.

  ‘No, of course not. It’s just that there is a woman over there who is staring at us.’

  Casey turned around and looked. ‘Oh shit.’

  ‘Do you know her?’

  ‘She’s my ex.’

  ‘She’s coming over.’

  Helen. He had wondered if he would bump into her as she had also been a registrar in emergency medicine when they were together. She hadn’t been at the conference and Casey had breathed a sigh of relief that he wouldn’t have to face her. He had started
to relax and enjoy himself and now she had turned up and was walking towards them.

  Catalina was watching him and frowning. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

  ‘No… don’t you dare. Help me get rid of her.’ She smiled at that and sat back in her chair.

  Casey stood up as Helen approached, but he didn’t move towards her to give her a hug or shake her hand. When she got close, he was shocked at the change in her. She had lost a lot of weight making her face looked gaunt and there were bags under her eyes. Her hair, which was normally shiny with health, hung around her face and looked as if it needed a wash.

  ‘Casey.’

  ‘Helen.’ She looked at Catalina and then back to him.

  ‘This is Dr Catalina Martinez. Catalina, meet Dr Helen Fraser.’

  The women greeted each other, and Catalina smiled in welcome. Helen didn’t smile back and returned her attention to Casey as if dismissing Catalina.

  ‘We work together in the A&E department at Leytonsfield General,’ said Catalina, who seemed determined not to be left out of the conversation.

  ‘Oh… you’re back home now, I didn’t know, I thought you were still in London. I’ve been trying to find you.’

  ‘Would you like to sit down?’ he asked, not wanting to appear rude.

  ‘Can we talk, Casey? In private.’ She glanced at Catalina who raised her eyebrows.

  ‘This isn’t a convenient time, I’m afraid. Catalina and I were in the middle of a discussion.’

  ‘I’ll leave, Casey, I could do with an early night.’

  ‘No, you don’t have to…’ It was happening again. The second time he had been enjoying an evening with Catalina and another woman interrupted it.

  ‘Thank you,’ Helen said to Catalina who said goodnight and moved towards the lifts.

  ‘You two aren’t an item then?’

  ‘What makes you say that?’

  ‘Well, she wouldn’t have left so readily if you had been, would she?’

  Casey suddenly felt hot. He needed air and space. ‘Let’s go for a walk.’

  ‘Oh yes, how about the South Bank? It’s so pretty at night with the lights.’

  ‘Okay.’

  They left the hotel and wandered off in the direction of the river Thames. They walked in silence, and Casey grew more anxious with each step. What could she possibly want to talk to him about?

  Eventually, when they reached the river and leant on the railing to watch lights flickering on the water, Casey couldn’t stand the suspense any longer.

  ‘You said you were looking for me, why?’

  ‘You’re still angry I can tell. I wanted to try to explain.’

  ‘What’s there to explain? You got pregnant and had an abortion. Without telling me-’

  ‘And I’ve regretted it ever since. I’m so sorry for what I did, I wish I could turn back the clock, but I can’t. I have to live with it every day and it’s driving me insane.’

  Casey looked at her closely. She really did seem as if she was on the edge. She was crying silent tears, the kind that came from deep inside.

  He gestured to a nearby bench. ‘Let’s sit down.’ They sat. ‘Now tell me what’s been going on.’

  ‘As soon as I had the abortion I realised what a colossal mistake I’d made. I am so, so, sorry that I didn’t tell you, but everything was so good between us and our careers were taking off, we were living the high life in London and… well, I didn’t want it to end. You see female doctors all the time, climbing the professional ladder, on the way to being consultants and professors, but then they have children and…’

  ‘There’s such a thing as childcare, Helen. Not all women doctors have their careers cut short because they become mothers. I would have helped, done my bit. That was my baby too.’ He leaned forward and put his head in his hands. This conversation was bringing back all the bad memories of finding out what she had done. He wasn’t over it yet; the pain was still too raw.

  ‘I know, you’re right, we would have found a way, together. I miss you so much, Casey, you have no idea how lonely I’ve been. It’s so good to see you again.’

  The autumn evening was chilly with a breeze off the river and Casey wished he’d thought to bring a jacket with him. Helen was wearing a coat that she huddled into for warmth. Or comfort.

  ‘Where are you working? Here in London?’

  ‘No. I’m on sick leave at present. I’m living back with my parents. I hate my life. I’ve lost everything.’

  ‘Why are you on sick leave?’ It can’t be because of the abortion, that happened over a year ago.

  ‘I had a bit of a break-down. Mental. I’ve been in hospital for a while.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that. But I don’t understand why you were looking for me.’

  ‘My psychiatrist says I need forgiveness. I know he means forgiving myself, but I also need your forgiveness. I can’t move on without it. Please Casey, I know what I did was wrong, but I’ve paid the price. I’ve been to hell and back this past year and I can’t get on with my life. I want to be a doctor again, but I don’t trust myself around babies.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Casey felt cold fingers on the back of his neck. He shivered. This was more serious than he had at first thought. She was silent and turned her head away. ‘What do you mean, Helen, you can’t be trusted with babies?’

  ‘I took one.’ Her voice was so quiet that he could barely make out her words.

  ‘What? You took someone’s baby?’ He could feel the anger in his voice and forced himself to stay calm. ‘Tell me what happened.’

  ‘I just wanted to hold her. I wasn’t going to do her any harm, honestly. I just wanted to know how it felt to hold a baby so I could pretend she was mine.’

  ‘Is that when you went to hospital?’

  ‘Yes. I didn’t have to face criminal charges on the grounds of diminished responsibility, but I had to be sectioned. It was a nightmare, Casey, you have no idea.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ He didn’t know what to say. ‘When were you discharged?’

  ‘A few months ago, but I can’t go back to work yet.’

  ‘And you’re still seeing your psychiatrist?’ She nodded. ‘Is it doing any good, the sessions?’

  ‘I suppose so, but what I really need is you to forgive me. And really mean it. I’ll know if you’re lying.’

  Talk about a rock and a hard place. If he said no, he couldn’t forgive her, he’d be telling the truth but preventing her healing. If he said yes, she would know he was lying. What did he do?

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’

  ‘I want you to forgive me and mean it, Casey. I want you to help me.’

  He was a doctor and thereby honour-bound to heal wherever he was able. Was he also honour-bound not to lie?

  ‘All I can say, Helen, is that I would forgive you if I could. I want you to find peace from all this and to be able to forgive yourself. I think that is more important now.’

  ‘So, you’re saying you can’t forgive me?’

  ‘I’m so sorry, but-’

  ‘You have no idea what you’re doing to me.’

  She got up and started walking away. He should go after her, tell her what she wanted to hear, but something kept him glued to the bench, watching her figure diminish and disappear into the crowd.

  He stared at the water until the lights blurred and the sound of people laughing and chatting all around him receded. What had he done? He should have lied, how hard would it have been? She was obviously mentally unstable, and he had just made the situation a whole lot worse.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Over the next couple of weeks, Lexi grew angrier. Casey had been thoughtless. He should have told her his plans to be away for nearly two weeks, then she could have prepared Jade for his absence. She constantly asked where her daddy was and why he didn’t come to see her at night and read her a bedtime story. Jade had grown used to their routine and she didn’t understand why he had abandoned her.

&
nbsp; She attempted to explain that Daddy was an important doctor and sometimes had to go away because of his work. Jade was not impressed.

  It reminded Lexi of the lies she’d told Jade about why Casey hadn’t been around when she was a baby; that Daddy had needed to go away because of work. Then, of course, she had never met her father, he was simply a name, a shadowy figure who meant nothing to her. Now, Casey was a living, breathing human being; a warm body to hug her, a laughing voice to tell her how beautiful she was, and to read to her, strong arms to hold her and keep her safe. She missed him desperately.

  Lexi, whilst furious with him, also missed him. A&E wasn’t the same without his confident leadership. Whenever he was the team leader in Resus, the atmosphere was more upbeat, staff worked faster and more efficiently, as if, under Casey’s watchful eye, they suddenly had more to prove to the world. She always felt a warm thrill when Casey, often casually and in passing, praised her for a job well done.

  After a while, Jade stopped asking about her father and life slipped back, almost imperceptibly, to the way it had been before Dr Casey O’Connor made his appearance in their lives. If nothing else, it made Lexi realise that she and Jade could live without him if necessary. If he got bored with being a father, or met another woman, or decided to move away again, or …

  ‘Hasn’t he even phoned?’ asked Jess, sitting back on the sofa with a large glass of Lambrusco and a slice of madeira cake she’d brought home from work.

  It was Friday night; the kids were in bed and they were kicking back after a particularly long and arduous week.

  ‘No, he’s texted a few times but only phoned once. He wanted facetime with Jade but she’d already gone to bed, and I wasn’t prepared to wake her up again. Remember that night she and Craig were watching the scary movie we thought was okay for little ones? It was the following night and I put her to bed earlier than usual.’

  ‘Yeah, the poor little mite had nightmares and ended up sleeping in your bed with you.’