Waiting for April

by Jaime Loren

  I tightened a fist by my side. “I just—I didn’t want to talk about it over dinner. I didn’t want to relive what happened today. I didn’t want to picture you stepping in front of that SUV, or what would’ve happened if I was a second too late …” I tried to swallow, but my mouth was too dry. “I didn’t want to think about how close I came to seeing you die today. Lying about it was all I could do to keep it together in front of everyone. I didn’t want to—”

  Her chin trembled as she quickly closed the distance between us and wrapped her arms around my waist. I exhaled sharply and closed my eyes, sliding my hand into the hair at the back of her head, relieved beyond words for this white flag.

  Ironically, I’d told her the truth. The memory of her stepping in front of that car …

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  I wrapped my arm around her and lowered my cheek to her head. “Me too.” The image of her lying dead in my arms, cold tears crossing paths with warm blood, flashed through my mind once again. Guilt coursed through my veins. I tightened my hold on her. “I’m so sorry.”

  We stood on the shore for a while, neither of us speaking. I breathed in the scent of her hair, and thanked every god known to man for the warmth of her body.

  April pulled back to look up at me. “You won’t lose me, Scott.”

  My heart plummeted as I examined her delicate face.

  “But I do need some time to think about your offer. You can’t just throw a house at me and expect everything to be all right between us.”

  “I know.”

  “And Rowan won’t like it. I have to consider his feelings, too.”

  I sighed. Nodded. “I know.”

  “Does Stell know?”

  “She does.”

  She eyed me contemplatively.

  “She’s fine with it,” I added. How could I possibly tell her Stella and I weren’t together? I’d lose her completely, especially now. If Stella and I could just keep up the ruse until the fall, we’d both be home free. We’d call it a break-up. No one would know. Stella would’ve moved away from home by then, so she’d be able to see Joshua any time she wanted without her parents keeping tabs on her. Rowan wouldn’t revert to being suspicious of me spending time alone with April, which would make it easier to keep an eye on her and keep her safe.

  Or at least try to.

  “There can’t be any more secrets between us. I can’t live with you if I don’t trust you.”

  My gut knotted, my mouth opening to remind her she’d never told me about the medication she was on, but then I thought better of it. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass her, and technically, it wasn’t my business.

  Technically.

  “No more secrets,” I lied.

  “Okay, then.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Hi, I’m April Fletcher.” She held out a hand. “I live next door.”

  I shook it, then gently pulled her into my arms again. “Thank you.”

  After a moment, she gave me a gentle squeeze. “You should come inside before you freeze to death.”

  “I’ll be in soon,” I promised. “I just need a moment.”

  After hesitantly letting her go, I watched as she walked back up to the cabin, glancing over her shoulder a couple of times as she did.

  Each look held a warning.

  One more slip-up on my part, and all hell would break loose.

  Chapter 10

  (April)

  That woman. His bed. Waffles on the floor and photographs on the wall …

  I held my stomach as I ran from his bedroom and down the hallway, passing photographs of places and horses and war … Photographs of Henry and Scott standing with other men in uniform as they gathered around a military tank.

  I threw the door open and stumbled into the cold rain, leaving behind my umbrella.

  His voice came from behind me. “April? Is that you? April!”

  I sat bolt upright, my heart pounding, my stomach clenched as tightly as it’d been when Daphne had told me the story. I jumped again when Rowan spoke.

  “So you’re awake, then.”

  I opened my eyes. He sat on the end of the bed and switched on his phone, illuminating the room.

  I took a deep breath and loosened my grip on the sheets. “Yeah.”

  He didn’t move. The air between us was thick with tension. I didn’t like fighting with him. I didn’t like betraying him with thoughts of Scott, either. How did we get here? How did our relationship get so complicated?

  “I take it I’m sleeping on the floor?”

  I pulled my knees to my chest and hugged them tight. “It’s too cold to sleep on the floor.”

  He snorted. “Is it going to be any warmer in there with you?”

  Ouch. But … “Probably not.”

  He stood up and pulled off his jeans, and I lay back down, my back toward him as he crawled into bed. He shuffled around a bit, getting comfortable, and then exhaled.

  The room filled with an uncomfortable silence. I hoped he’d simply fallen asleep.

  “I wonder how much action this bed has seen,” he mused, making the mattress bounce a few times. My stomach turned to lead at the thought of Scott with Stella—or any woman, for that matter. After the way he’d kissed me last night and … No. Don’t think about it.

  “Do you think they’ve done it in every room?” Rowan continued.

  Oh God, stop. “Stella hasn’t been here before,” I remembered, holding on tight to the only piece of solace my mind offered up.

  “Says who? She knew exactly where she was going when we drove up this morning.”

  I shook my head. Scott wouldn’t lie to me about that. He wouldn’t. He’d specifically said, “I wanted you to be the first one to see this place …”

  He threw himself in front of an SUV for me. He’d begged me not to leave …

  “The last thing I want to do is hurt you …”

  The lump in my throat grew. I fisted the sheets again and squeezed my eyes closed.

  His clothes strewn across the floor, his bed sheets in disarray, and the sight of her naked skin wrapped up in them not twelve hours after he’d told me he loved me …

  “How often do you think they do it?” Rowan continued. “I mean, Scott has this place and his grandpa’s, and I bet his grandpa doesn’t give a shit what or who he’s doing in his spare time.”

  Stop, please.

  “So I’d reckon between his place and this place, and Stella’s place when her parents aren’t home, they’d get in about—”

  “Does it even matter?” I snapped. “It’s none of our business!”

  Rowan fell quiet. I couldn’t even hear him breathe. It was then that I mentally kicked myself. He was testing me—gauging my level of jealousy—and apparently it was sitting at around one hundred percent.

  Finally he spoke, a hint of victory in his voice. “Easy on, Red. I’m just sayin’—it’s nice to know there are some teenage couples out there who actually have sex.”

  I felt faint, even though I was already lying down. It took me a moment to find my voice. “I told you I’m not ready.”

  Rowan rolled over and placed his hand on my waist. I tensed. He sighed and pulled it away. “You’ve been saying that for two and a half years.”

  “And it’s still true.”

  As the words slipped out, a wave of guilt crashed over me. Didn’t I hide in my room last night because of my reaction to Scott’s kiss? Wasn’t I afraid of what we might have done if I’d gone back down to him? Did I have any boundaries I wouldn’t cross if given the chance with Scott?

  And worse—it’d only taken one night alone for that to happen. What would happen if we were given a whole semester in the same house?

  “I’m sorry,” I said, rolling to face him. He didn’t respond, but I could feel his breath against my lips. “You’ve been really patient.”

  “I’m a patient guy. Hell, I’ve got all the time in the world.” There
was no hint of humor in his voice, which made me sad. It took a lot for Rowan to get angry, and he’d never been angry at me before. At least, not like this.

  I curled my fingers into his sweatshirt. “Today was scary, and it doesn’t feel right just to come up here and pretend nothing happened.”

  “I get that. But just because you’re shitty with him, that doesn’t mean you can treat me like I’m the bad guy.”

  “No one’s the bad guy.”

  He exhaled. “I’m feeling shut out here, Red.”

  I chewed my lip, my heart sinking. “I don’t want to shut you out.”

  “Then … can you at least make me feel wanted?”

  I opened my mouth—

  “I’m not talking about sex.” He placed his hand on my hip again. “But a kiss would be nice, at least.”

  I swallowed and nodded. I could do this. I could get us back on track with a kiss. As I leaned in, his grip on my hip tightened, and he pulled me closer. The first thing I noticed when our lips touched was that his mouth wasn’t as warm as Scott’s.

  No. I couldn’t compare them. How messed up was that?

  I kissed him harder, and he responded, rolling on top of me.

  Not gentle, like Scott was in that dream.

  Fucking hell.

  I felt Rowan harden between my legs, and my stomach flipped. “Rowan?”

  “I’m sorry,” he gasped. “Just ignore it.” He lowered his mouth back to mine, and I wrapped my arms around him. But then he pressed me into the bed, and fear set in.

  I knew he’d never hurt me. That wasn’t it. That was never it.

  “Rowan,” I mumbled against his lips, tapping his shoulder.

  He pulled back. “I can’t help it, Red. But I promise I won’t try anything.”

  I pushed gently against him, trying to break free. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”

  “April—it’s just a kiss.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t.”

  Rowan froze above me, and I ached with anxiety. I couldn’t see his face in the dark, but I could imagine the look he was giving me. He eventually exhaled and moved onto his back, frustration rolling off him. “Well, you know where to find me when you’re ready,” he said, throwing the quilt back and heading to the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

  I buried my face in my pillow, panic bubbling within. I couldn’t even kiss Rowan now? No. This was just a hiccup. A phase. I wasn’t in love with Scott. I loved Rowan. And in the morning, I’d feel much better and I wouldn’t care at all about the way Scott had made me feel. I’d try much harder to make Rowan happy.

  I’d have forgotten all about Scott’s kiss.

  I’d have wiped the memory of his touch from my mind.

  I’d have dismissed the fantasies that kept popping up uninvited, because I was not in love with him.

  I’m not in love with Scott Parker.

  I’m not in love with Scott Parker.

  I’m not in love with Scott Parker …

  *****

  I think I’m in love with Scott Parker.

  He knelt before me on the bathroom floor, his warm hands steady as he peeled back my gauze. I wished I could say the same for my hands. Last night I’d heard him talking with Stella in their room. Their voices were muffled, so I couldn’t make out exact words, but the mere thought of them in a room together tore me in two, despite how much I tried to convince myself it wouldn’t. I couldn’t deny it anymore.

  I was jealous.

  Scott was right. He shouldn’t have brought me here.

  Now I was shamefully pining for a guy I could neither trust nor have, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lose Rowan. I loved him, too. I just wasn’t sure if I was in love with him. I used to think I was. And maybe, with time, I could be. After all, we’d planned our futures around one another. I felt so comfortable with him. I could count on him. I couldn’t count on Scott. Sure, if there was an oncoming car I could count on Scott, but that wasn’t the same. Rowan would never keep things from me. Rowan was an open book with a heart of gold.

  Scott was a closed book wrapped in chains and a padlock, stuffed in a safe lying at the bottom of an abyss in the Atlantic Ocean.

  His blue-green eyes met mine. I looked away. My wounds were no longer bleeding, but they were sore. I didn’t want to tell him that, though, because he was looking for a reason to stop me from riding with Stella this morning.

  He furrowed his brow and wiped antiseptic over my palms, then dressed them. “Did you get a chance to think about things last night?”

  My heart flipped. “Not really.”

  He zipped up the bag of supplies and put it on the bench. “You don’t have to decide this week. I don’t want to rush you.”

  “I know.” I stood up, hoping the wobble in my knees wouldn’t make its way into my voice. “Thing is, you’d have to promise not to kiss me again.” I laughed to lighten the mood.

  He cleared his throat. “I’m going to go up and saddle the horses.” Then, without making eye contact, he stepped back toward the door that led to my room and quietly slipped through it.

  I dropped my hands to my sides, my heart stumbling. What the fuck was that? Avoidance, much?

  Moments later, a hushed voice filtered in from Scott’s room. “She wasn’t harmed—not badly.”

  I drifted toward the door, wondering why Stella would tell Scott something he already knew. But when I peeked into the room I discovered she was alone, talking on her phone.

  “They had a huge argument last night, and they hardly spoke at breakfast.”

  My chest hollowed. I hadn’t been ignoring him on purpose. I just found it hard to look at him, for so many reasons.

  “God, I wish you were here. I need you so badly right now.”

  The air grew thicker, my stomach tightening.

  “I should’ve been in your bed last night, not his,” she said.

  Her words ripped through me, turning everything upside down. “What the fuck?” I threw the door open. Stella jumped, dropping her phone.

  With my muscles strung tight, I advanced on her.

  “A-April,” she stammered, bending to pick up her phone, but changing her mind before she got all the way down. She took a step back instead.

  “Who are you talking to?”

  She pulled her lips together, nodding. “I know that sounded bad—”

  “Sounded bad?” I said, raising my voice. This whole time I’d felt super guilty about not even responding to Scott’s kiss, when all along she’d been … “You’re fucking someone else?”

  “Let me explain.”

  “What about Scott?” My fists balled at my sides. He may have kissed me, but there was no way he would’ve gone that far.

  “He already knows, April.”

  Her words made me choke on the obscenities rising in my throat. She bent down to pick up her phone. I waited impatiently, my hands loose now, tingling at my sides.

  “Scott knows you’re seeing someone else?” My voice was reduced to a croak after such a brutal entrance. “Since when?”

  Was that why he did it? Was I revenge?

  “Since always. We were never actually together. I’m so sorry,” she said, her words spilling out in a rush. “People just assumed we were together after that party at Craig’s, and at first we thought it was funny.” She stepped forward, reaching for me, but I sidestepped her.

  “But you shared a bed last night. I heard you on the phone.”

  “I slept here. He went downstairs when he figured you were asleep.”

  No. This couldn’t be right. He said there were no more secrets. “He lied to me?” I whispered.

  “I wanted to tell you. Truly, I did. But we weren’t hurting anyone. It worked for both of us—guys stopped hitting on me because they didn’t want to get on Scott’s bad side, and Scott got some more time to himself because you thought …” She trailed off.

  The walls closed in on me, the air vanishing from the room. I nodded. “Because I thought he wa
s with you?”

  Stella shrugged. “He just needed space.”

  “From me? He asked me to live with him last night! Why would he do that if he thought I was suffocating him?”

  “I don’t know.” Stella’s expression softened. “April, I’m so sorry.”

  Utter confusion racked at me. “How could you think that lying to me this whole time wouldn’t hurt me? You’re my two best friends.”

  Her eyes glimmered with tears. “I know, I’m sorry.” She pressed her hands together, pleading. “But I couldn’t tell anyone about Joshua. No one. My parents dragged me from Maine to Vermont three years ago because they didn’t want the two of us together.”

  I clutched my head. “What?”

  “I couldn’t risk anyone finding out we never broke up. They’d drag me across the freakin’ country, April—or worse.”

  My thoughts swam. “But you told Scott.”

  “He ran into us in Millinocket a few months ago. I had no choice.”

  “So the two of you concocted this whole scenario? That was your solution? Just lie to me and Rowan?”

  She placed her hands on her hips. “Seriously, April? Half the time I can’t even tell which guy you’re supposed to be in love with.”

  I stepped back. “That’s … that’s not …”

  “Why do you think Rowan books up all of your weekends now?”

  I shook my head. “We don’t know what school he’ll be attending. He just wants to spend more time with me while he can.”

  “Or maybe he wants to make sure you don’t go following Scott around with all your free time.”

  I fought the lump in my throat. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Does she? Do I? Have I really been pining after Scott longer than I was aware of?

  “Maybe you’re right,” she said, putting her phone in her back pocket. “But I do know that the only reason Rowan allowed you to come out here with Scott was because I convinced him Scott wouldn’t cheat on me.”

  I scoffed. “What—Rowan had no faith in me?”

  “Rowan has seen Scott with plenty of women to know they have no power when it comes to him.”

  “I have power,” I said, albeit weakly. It was true—I had power the other night when he kissed me … but I had to admit power wasn’t something I possessed in abundance right now. I shook my head, remembering another vital piece of Stella’s explanation. “How many?”