World Turned Upside Down

by Elyse Springer

  He wanted to be with Asher through Winfly, and he wanted to be with Asher after they left the Ice to head home. Last year, he’d finished his winter season and backpacked through Southeast Asia for two weeks before returning to the States. He’d contemplated trying Australia this year, and now he could daydream about exploring Sydney and Melbourne with Asher beside him.

  It felt right. It felt like everything he never knew he wanted.

  “Yes,” he said again, pushing himself upright. “I’ll tell him at dinner tonight.”

  Simon got dressed and left for dinner, excitement driving him out into the cold in his search for Asher. He suddenly couldn’t wait, picturing Asher’s expression in his mind, the way those green eyes would light up when Simon told him—

  Yes. Simon grinned and headed for the dining hall.

  Miranda found him as he was leaving the coat closet after hanging up his jacket and Carhartt pants. “You look like a man on a mission. That excited for tacos?”

  “Excited, but not for food.” Simon slowed just enough to allow her to catch up. “Has Asher passed by yet?”

  “I haven’t seen him,” Miranda began, but was cut off before she could continue.

  “Ho. Ly. Shit.” Oli appeared and stopped dead in front of him, blocking Simon and Miranda from walking forward. “I know that look.”

  Simon ducked his head, hoping the blush he could feel wasn’t as bold and obvious as he thought it was. At his side, Miranda paused, looking curiously between them.

  Oli didn’t make her wait. “This boy got laid, Miranda.” His voice was way too loud, and Simon spared a second to be thankful that it was early and most people hadn’t shown up for dinner yet. “This is post-fuck Simon.”

  Miranda’s confusion morphed into obvious delight. “Wait, Si, he is telling the truth?”

  “It’s none of your business.”

  But his halfhearted protest was in vain, because Miranda lit up and Oli’s grin turned wicked.

  “It is our business, Simon,” he said seriously, “because we’ve been waiting literally all winter for you to finally hook up with Delaney. I had a hundred bucks riding on this!”

  Miranda’s hands settled on her hips. “Me too! You’ve gotta tell us all about it. Was it as hot as you thought it’d be?”

  “Guys,” Simon said.

  Neither of them was listening. Oli grinned triumphantly and slung an arm around Simon’s shoulder while looking over at Miranda. “I knew this bet was a good idea. He never would have slept with Asher if we hadn’t bet him to.”

  “Oh.”

  Simon froze, the tiny sound somehow cutting through Miranda and Oli’s chattering, clear as anything. He tugged himself free from Oli’s grasp frantically and whirled around.

  Asher stood in the middle of the hallway, a few feet behind them. He’d apparently just come in from outside and was still wearing his heavy coat, but he looked almost miniscule in the heavy fabric as he curled in on himself, face wrought with devastation.

  “Wait, Asher.” Simon took a step forward.

  “No, it’s fine.” Asher’s voice was barely a whisper. “I guess you—you don’t need that time, then. That’s okay. I’m gonna—I need to go now.”

  He turned and fled back down the hallway, heading straight for the door.

  Simon went to chase after him, but Miranda’s arm caught his sleeve. “Wait, Simon.”

  He tried to shake it off as Asher’s form disappeared outside. “Let me go, Miranda. I need to explain.”

  “I know, but you can’t just run out there. It’s twenty below zero, and you don’t have a coat.”

  It was true, but it physically pained Simon to let Miranda tug him back. And then Asher was gone, and there was no way Simon would ever get his jacket on in time to chase after him before he vanished.

  Defeated, he let Miranda guide him down the hallway and into a room—her office, he realized, as she maneuvered him to a couch and helped him sit down. Her hand rested on his back, and Simon became aware that he was breathing hard.

  Oli stopped in front of him, twisting his hands together and looking horrified. All trace of the humor from before was gone. “Simon, I’m sorry.”

  Simon buried his head in his hands.

  “I didn’t know, Si. I promise. I wouldn’t have said those things if I knew he was there. I was just joking.”

  Miranda’s hand settled on Simon’s shoulder. “We didn’t realize that it was serious,” she said softly. “We just thought you two were screwing around. You’ve never—well, you made it so clear that you didn’t want a boyfriend.”

  “He wasn’t my boyfriend,” Simon said weakly. Hot tears burned his eyes, and he sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm down. “Not yet. I—he asked me if I wanted to stay with him, after Mainbody. And I told him I needed time to think about it.”

  Miranda’s hand was warm, something for Simon to focus on as he tried to slow his heartbeat.

  “We can go after him and explain,” Oli said. “I can go find him right now if you want.”

  The tears that had threatened to fall finally spilled over as Simon shook his head. “No,” he said. “He wouldn’t listen to me right now, or to you either. I can’t—it’s—he thinks I was just in it for the sex.”

  “Weren’t you, though?”

  It was obvious that Oli didn’t mean any offense by the words; he sounded genuinely curious, voice soft and tentative.

  Simon choked back a sob.

  “Oh, Si,” Miranda exhaled. “You love him.”

  Hearing that word from her mouth, the same one that Simon had been turning over and over in his head for the last day, hit Simon like a punch to the gut. Love. He gasped and curled up tighter.

  Oli appeared on his other side, a comforting warmth. Sandwiched in between him and Miranda, Simon felt safe enough to finally let the tears fall unchecked, body shaking with it.

  “Give him a few days,” Oli said softly. “I’m sure he’ll listen then and let you explain.”

  Winfly

  ASHER HADN’T talked to him in a week, and Simon felt like he was fraying at the edges.

  He hadn’t even looked at Simon, the few times their paths overlapped—and it was only a few times, because Asher had all but vanished from the station otherwise. He didn’t show up at the coffee hut, he ate meals at different times and took his food to go rather than sitting in the dining hall, and the one time Simon tried to go by his office in Crary, the lights were off and the door was locked.

  He’s avoiding me.

  And while Simon kept trying to catch Asher’s eye or to find any opportunity to catch him and beg for a chance to explain, he also didn’t want to push too hard. They had time, since neither of them planned to leave until early October. And Asher was clearly hurting, so Simon wanted to give him space and not risk making things worse.

  Unfortunately, he discovered that at least part of that reasoning was wrong when Miranda pulled him aside halfway through his shift.

  “Simon, honey, I need to tell you something.” Her voice was sad, and she wrapped a hand around his wrist gently, as though to tether him to the ground.

  Simon took a deep breath and let it out.

  “The first Winfly flight is coming in tomorrow evening,” Miranda said.

  “I know.” Simon glanced behind him at the kitchen that was bustling more than usual. Everyone was working hard to get things ready to receive the first load of cargo in four months… and the first load of new arrivals.

  Miranda bit her lip and looked away. “I probably shouldn’t even know this, but I got a notice because of a housing unit that would be available to use for the incoming personnel.”

  She didn’t say anything else for a moment. Simon could feel dread pooling in his gut, but he couldn’t trace the feeling back to anything concrete. “What’s going on, Miranda?”

  “Asher has requested to leave on tomorrow’s flight.” The words escaped her in a rush, and she pressed her lips shut as soon as she said them, eyes w
et like she might start to cry.

  Oh. Simon’s fingers went numb and then his arms and then the rest of him, the sensation creeping over his entire body as he stood there.

  Miranda didn’t let go of his wrist, but she did step forward to hug him. “I’m sorry, Simon.”

  Life on the Ice was fleeting in a way that being back in the States wasn’t. People came and went, and the land itself froze and thawed and froze again every year, always changing. Friends that Simon had made in his first season had vanished after, off to take other contracts in new, extreme locations, never to be heard from again. Back home, family got married, passed away, lived their life, and Simon ducked in and out of the normalcy whenever he was around. But he’d gotten used to that sense of constant transition, the lack of permanence created from living as a seasonal contract employee in such a remote location.

  The idea of losing Asher, however, hurt in a way that Simon was utterly unprepared for.

  It started as a sharp pain in his chest but quickly grew until he was struggling to draw breath. His hands were shaking, a fact he only became aware of when Miranda wrapped her own fingers around them.

  “Simon,” she said.

  Heat pricked Simon’s eyes, and he shook his head only to be surprised when tears slipped free to run down his cheeks.

  “He was supposed to stay through Mainbody.” It was the only thing he could think to say, the only tangible thought he could grasp.

  Miranda exhaled slowly. “He changed his mind, I guess. Got approval from the NSF to head back early. He’s manifested for tomorrow’s flight, though… I checked, just to make sure.”

  “He can’t leave.”

  Simon leaned against the wall, grateful for something to hold him up; he wasn’t sure his legs were up to the task right now.

  “But he is, Si.”

  Miranda’s words were gentle, but they only served to cut him open even deeper. “No,” Simon said. “He can’t leave, Miranda. I’m—I didn’t get a chance to tell him.”

  “To tell him what? About the bet?”

  Simon clenched his eyes shut, and more hot tears escaped. “To tell him that I’m falling in love with him.”

  For a long moment, Miranda didn’t say anything. Then her arms wrapped around him again, pulling him in close. “Oh, Simon.” Her hand brushed through his hair, soothing. “It’s not too late, you know. Maybe you could find him, tell him before he leaves?”

  Miranda’s words hit Simon like a punch to the gut, and he gasped, eyes flying back open. “It’s not too late.”

  The words lit a tiny fire in Simon’s chest, a desperate sliver of hope and need that spiraled into a full-fledge plan in a matter of seconds.

  “I need to be on that flight,” Simon said.

  “What?” Miranda looked shocked, blinking like she hadn’t heard him properly.

  Simon pulled his apron off, tossing it aside. “It’s not too late. If Asher is leaving, then I can be on the plane too. It might be the only chance I have to tell him how I feel.”

  “But….” Miranda bit her lip. “Si, the only way you’re getting on that plane is if you quit your job, and if you quit right now, you’ll probably burn every bridge to ever come back again.”

  And that was a very important point, but one that Simon couldn’t bring himself to worry too much about. He’d either come back to Antarctica for another season or he wouldn’t, but either way he planned to move forward with Asher at his side.

  He said as much to Miranda, then looked around the dish pit. “It’s worth it. He’s worth it.”

  Miranda exhaled but nodded. “Then I hope everything works out for you. Come on, we should go now.”

  “We?”

  She laughed. “Simon, there’s no way on earth you’re going to manage this alone. If you’re really going to do this, you need to head to HR and turn your notice in and get yourself manifested for tomorrow’s flight. I’ll go find Oli, and we can slip out of work early to come help you pack up your room.”

  Simon felt the flame in his chest grow larger. “I wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t worth it, Miranda.”

  “I know,” she said. “So let’s make sure you’re ready to go, so you can get your man.”

  LEAVING THE Ice on less than twenty-four hours’ notice was about as difficult as things could be. Simon’s boss cursed a blue streak when he told her, then asked him half a dozen times if he was sure, if there was any way he could wait even a couple more days. Simon grimaced but apologized. More dishwashers and janitorial staff would be arriving on the flight—the same plane he’d be departing on soon after—and he couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilty knowing the kitchen wouldn’t be badly short-staffed with his sudden departure.

  And when he hesitated outside the HR office, the first trace of doubt welling up inside him, it only took the reminder of life in Antarctica without Asher to give him strength to open the door.

  Antarctica has been home for me for three winters now, but now it’s not home unless Asher is here.

  Packing, at least, was easy. With Oli and Miranda helping, he got all of his belongings boxed up and stored in the back of a rarely used warehouse. Either he’d be back next winter to use them again, or he’d pass them on to Oli or another one of his returning friends. His clothes were shoved into a suitcase, which he quickly deposited with a very disgruntled cargo tech to add to the flight’s checked luggage pallet.

  The day of the flight dawned clear and beautiful. Simon had breakfast with Miranda and Oli one last time.

  “You know,” Oli said over his coffee mug, “if the housing department blacklists you for this, I can put a referral in with the logistics crew. That is, if you even want to come back next April.”

  Simon smiled in thanks. He hugged Miranda, gave Oli a kiss on the cheek, and promised to keep in touch with both of them after he left.

  Then it was just a matter of trying to find Asher before the flight took off.

  McMurdo was a small town, but there were dozens of places for someone to hide if they didn’t want to be found. Simon knocked on the door to Asher’s dorm but got no answer. He checked the coffee hut, the gym… even the small library. But Asher wasn’t in any of the locations he tried.

  He visited Asher’s office last. Crary was quiet, but lights filtered out of a few offices. Simon walked down the hallway with anticipation and dread pooling in his gut. Logically he knew Asher wouldn’t be there; he’d managed to avoid Simon so far, after all.

  Pushing the door open, however, was a shock.

  Not only was the office empty of Asher, but it was also empty of everything else.

  Gone were the books, the neat stacks of paper on the desk. Simon wandered in, trailing one hand on the wall where brightly colored posters of the aurora had once hung.

  “You looking for Delaney?”

  The voice made Simon whirl around, heart racing.

  There was a tall, skinny woman in the doorframe. “Asher’s leaving today, some kind of personal emergency.”

  Simon swallowed. “Do you know where he is? I’d like to find him before he leaves, if possible.”

  The woman shrugged. “He mentioned something about wanting to get one last view of the station before his flight. Try Observation Hill?”

  The dread that had been sitting heavily in Simon’s stomach lessened slightly. “Thank you. I’ll check there.”

  The odds were against him, of course. Even if Asher had climbed Ob Hill—the large volcanic mound that overlooked McMurdo—he might not be there anymore. Or he could be anywhere on the Ob Hill Loop, the hiking trail that circled it.

  What choice do I have? If he didn’t at least try, Simon knew he’d regret it forever.

  Ob Hill wasn’t a difficult climb, but it was out of the way enough that Simon was cold and a little out of breath by the time he reached the first observation area. He’d half expected to find Asher standing there as he came around the bend, waiting for him. All he found were rocks, though, and a view of McMurdo that t
ook his breath away. The town looked like a child’s toy beneath him, and the mountains and sea ice were spread out beyond it.

  But the view wasn’t the reason he was here. Simon took a deep breath and kept climbing.

  It was a beautiful day, clear skies and the sun hovering just above the horizon giving the illusion of warmth. But the wind was harsh and biting, and Simon hadn’t dressed for a long hike. Antarctica could be dangerous for anyone who wasn’t prepared, and Simon knew he would have to turn back before much longer or risk frostbite or dehydration.

  Then he turned another bend and stopped dead in his tracks.

  Just a few feet away, a man was sitting on the ground, wrapped in a giant red jacket. He glanced over, likely having heard Simon approach, and then looked away.

  Simon exhaled and took in the scene before him. McMurdo looked almost pretty from this high up, and beyond it the Antarctic landscape looked pristine. From this angle, they could see the town off to the right and the permanent sea ice that was home to Pegasus Runway to the left, waiting for the first flight of the season to arrive in a few hours.

  The sun illuminated the entire scene around them. Simon approached slowly, taking a second to appreciate the way Asher looked in the golden light.

  “Asher,” he said softly. “Hey.”

  Asher didn’t move.

  “Can we talk?”

  If Asher had any real opinion on the matter, he didn’t respond either way. This close, Simon could tell that his eyelashes were crystalized with tiny flakes of ice, as though he’d been outside for a while.

  Or like he was crying a little.

  The realization was heartbreaking. Simon shuffled forward, taking a seat on the ground a foot or so away from Asher’s large form.

  “Okay,” he began. “I guess I’m gonna talk then. And if you want me to stop, you can just say so, okay?”

  Silence.

  “Okay.”

  But now, faced with the chance to explain, Simon had no idea where to begin. His first instinct was to just blurt out the confession welling up in his chest, to throw himself into Asher’s arms and beg for forgiveness. But the quieter part of him, the piece that was aching and lonely, said otherwise.