The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

by Christopher K Germer

  Be patient with the practice. There’s a Jewish story that illustrates how the practice works:

  A disciple asks the rebbe, “Why does Torah tell us to ‘place these words upon your hearts’? Why does it not tell us to place these holy words in our hearts?”

  The rebbe answers, “It is because as we are, our hearts are closed, and we cannot place the holy words in our hearts. So we place them on top of our hearts. And there they stay until, one day, the heart breaks and the words fall in.”

  Pain is our ally when we have an open heart.

  Finding Good Qualities

  We’re naturally attracted to good qualities. For example, historical figures to whom we’re most drawn are the moral geniuses, not necessarily the military or political figures. Likewise, if we think of something good about ourselves, we enjoy keeping ourselves company. If we think ill of ourselves, our attention will flail around looking for distraction from these inner threats to our self-image. At the beginning of your meditation, remind yourself of one or two of your good qualities: loyalty to family, conscientiousness, kindness toward animals, perhaps a sense of humor? You’ll feel more worthy of your own attention.

  Loving-Kindness Builds Positive Resources

  Barbara Fredrickson at the University of North Carolina and colleagues compared people who had done 7 weeks of loving-kindness meditation to a group of people on a waiting list. Metta meditation significantly increased positive emotions (such as love, joy, gratitude, hope, amusement, and awe), as well as a wide range of personal resources such as mindfulness, problem-solving ability, savoring the future, environmental mastery, self-acceptance, purpose in life, social support received, positive relations with others, and physical health. Furthermore, these increases in personal resources predicted life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression. During the study, practitioners of loving-kindness showed a steady gain in the number of positive emotions they experienced with each hour that they meditated—they were building a reliable skill for generating positive emotions that kept them ahead of the adaptation (hedonic treadmill) effect.

  Connecting with Others

  I know a woman who would give up her life for her beloved dog but who could barely feed herself. She began loving-kindness meditation for her dog, “May Ginger be happy and content,” and then she tucked herself into that thought, “May Ginger and I be happy and content.” Eventually, she could say “May we be happy …” and finally “May I …” Sometimes we need to sneak up on ourselves with kindness.

  Compassion toward others can also put us in a compassionate mood toward ourselves. Think of someone you like who is suffering in a way similar to your own suffering. Then gradually step up to include yourself in the metta phrases: “May [Sandra] be safe and free from harm …,” “May [Sandra] and I be safe …,” May we …,” May I …” You can also start with a person you loved very much in the past, such as a child, and remember how you felt when that person was sick or in pain. Hold in your heart the natural compassion you feel and then fold yourself into the mix.

  Yet another way to mobilize an affectionate attitude is to form an image of yourself as a young child, perhaps from an old photograph. An endearing image can inspire a loving frame of mind. You can set a childhood picture of yourself on a table and just leave it there for a few weeks, allowing yourself to contemplate it in a casual way, and then bring it into your meditation when you’re ready. I have a psychotherapy client for whom an image of himself as a lonely child inspired the self-compassion he had previously been unable to find.

  For some people self-kindness arises more easily if it begins abstractly: “May all beings be happy.” Then we include ourselves: “May I and all beings be happy.” You can also begin with greater emotional distance by using your own name: “May [Sam] be peaceful and happy” rather than “May I be peaceful and happy.”

  If you’ve had trauma in relationships and are ambivalent about people, you can meditate on a cherished object from nature like a tree or the ocean (“May this tree be healthy and strong”). Then gradually transition to a pet (“May Ginger be healthy and strong”) and eventually to yourself (“May I …”). The principle is this: Connect with anyone or anything that puts a smile on your face and go from there. Follow your heart and then bring yourself into the picture.

  The object of your loving-kindness is less important than the attitude you’re generating. Your brain is most likely to repeat whatever it’s experiencing in each moment. If you feel stressed, you’re learning stress. If you feel kindly, you’re learning kindness. The rest is details.

  LOVING-KINDNESS IN THREE-PART HARMONY

  There are three technical components to metta practice: (1) words, (2) feelings, and (3) images. The image gives us a target, the words evoke our deepest wishes, and the feelings are the preverbal gut sense of what we’re saying.

  People find different components easier to practice than others. For example, verbal types work easily with words, sensing people go with the feelings, and visual folks easily call up images. It helps to know our own tendencies. For example, I’m a visual person and can easily hold an image in my mind. When I refresh the image of myself during meditation, the words deepen their meaning and the feelings grow stronger (including the resistance to kindly intentions!). The practice becomes more powerful when we emphasize the part we’re good at.

  Ideally, we want to get all three components of metta practice working together: words, feelings, and images. The practice can be revitalized when you switch between components. For example, when the words become meaningless, refresh your aim by focusing on the image. If the feeling dries up, connect with the meaning of the words—repeating them slowly and savoring what you’re saying. Move back and forth from the feelings to the words to the feelings, and occasionally remind yourself of the image. Be creative in your meditation. The point is to encourage the attitude of loving-kindness to arise as much as possible.

  Words

  The phrases should be spoken in a tone that reflects your loving intentions—softly and gently. Give the phrases the feeling of candlelight. During informal practice in daily life, you can say the phrases out loud, chant them, or sing them along with a favorite tune, but be careful that if you are raising your voice you’re doing it to embrace what’s happening in your life, not to drive away any bad feelings.

  Say the phrases slowly, letting them resonate one at a time. You can’t read poetry in a rush and have it evoke something new within you. Give yourself time to contemplate what you’re saying during metta practice. Don’t try to accomplish anything—anything other than offering yourself kindness.

  When you’re deep into meditation, you might find that the complete phrases you’ve chosen become cumbersome. You can simplify them to a few key words, such as “safe, peaceful, healthy, ease,” or to one word repeated over and over, like “love, love, love.” Use your intuition and find words that work for you, preferably ones that are pleasant and easy to repeat.

  At some point, the phrases will become empty or robotic. Any object of attention is like that: it loses its charge after sufficient repetition. That doesn’t necessarily mean the words should be changed. Instead, stay close to the wishing side of the practice rather than the feeling side. Your core motivation is the energetic center of the practice. Remind yourself why you’re meditating: to be happy and free from suffering. See yourself as one of many beings who want a life of contentment and ease. Then fold your personal metta phrases— “May I be safe,” and so on—into that wellspring of inspiration.

  Another problem with the metta phrases is that they don’t make sense to some people. You might ask, “How can I possibly expect happiness and ease? That’s unrealistic! Aren’t stress and discomfort part of everyone’s life?” That’s true, of course. The most difficult principle of metta practice to understand is that we’re not trying to generate a particular outcome. A kindly attitude is its own reward. What the metta phrases really mean is the following:

  “Even t
hough it’s unrealistic to expect peace and happiness all the time, may it be so whenever possible”

  “I have the wish, at this very moment, to be healthy and free from suffering, but the future is not in my control.”

  The phrases should be intellectually credible—they should make sense—or the mind will quietly argue and lose concentration on the task.

  Feelings

  Feelings refer to the felt sense of loving-kindness. Sometimes the will to love comes with warm emotions and sometimes it doesn’t. A wish is not a feeling, and our feelings are far less predictable than our wishes. We can always fall back on the wish for happiness, but the corresponding feelings may be few and far between.

  When loving feelings are present, they can be used to strengthen our core motivation. Savor the feelings—linger over them—as long as they occur. Words are extraneous when you have a loving feeling, but as the feeling subsides, return to the words. Warm feelings are like a good meal; why turn away and have a less nutritious meal when you can enjoy a good one?

  Some sensing-feeling people are better at savoring feelings than intellectual types. The more aware you are of your body, the more you’ll be able to enjoy good feelings. You’ve already learned a number of exercises for becoming aware of the body and emotions, especially “Mindfulness of Bodily Sensations” (Chapter 2) and “Mindfulness of Emotion in the Body” (Chapter 3). Those exercises can help even the most intellectual types develop their sensing-feeling side.

  Some beginning meditators can generate compassionate feelings just by thinking about them, such as the experienced meditators in Richard Davidson’s experiments, but that’s quite rare. Usually we need to create the conditions for such feelings to arise. For example, if you think of someone you love, metta will arise; if you think of someone who’s in pain whom you love, compassion will arise. There’s a bit of “method acting” in the feeling side of loving-kindness practice: we enter into the present moment and allow the phrases and images to work on us. Feelings of loving-kindness and compassion will arise the more you practice. After many thousands of hours, they’ll follow you like a state of grace.

  You can also try the following simple strategies to make yourself receptive to loving feelings:

  Play love songs before you meditate.

  Practice in a delightful place.

  Make yourself physically comfortable.

  Relax your body.

  Put a light smile on your lips and crinkle your eyes.

  Visualize yourself in a good mood.

  Keep a pet in your lap.

  Place your hand over your heart.

  Speak the phrases from your heart.

  These small modifications help to establish a warm, friendly agenda for the rest of your meditation. Again, please don’t expect loving feelings. We’re only creating conditions for them to occur on their own.

  Images

  The person on whom you focus your attention has a great impact on whether loving-kindness will arise during your practice. At the beginning of practice, “other people” serve to give us an easier way to love ourselves. Meditation practitioners who are able to feel natural kindness for themselves are ahead of the game. In the next chapter, you’ll explore what happens when you focus on people toward whom you have very little feeling or people who are hard to be with. Before you subject yourself to these more challenging tasks, however, you need to become skilled at awakening loving-kindness for yourself. Be patient. It’s not uncommon to spend the first 2 to 3 years of metta practice just learning to love yourself.

  Some suggestions were given earlier for how to connect with other people as a prelude to giving love to yourself. Generally speaking, start with someone who makes you smile (to cultivate friendliness) or who melts your heart (to cultivate compassion). Choose a personal relationship that’s simple, pleasant, and uncomplicated. If you have a sexual relationship with the person, hidden attachment could emerge and disturb your focus. If the person has passed away, feelings of loss could creep in. Make sure the image doesn’t arouse much ambivalence.

  The clearer the image, the stronger the feelings that will arise. When you create an image of yourself, see yourself in your mind’s eye in your current posture and feel your body. (You can open your eyes and look at your body, but only if that doesn’t arouse self-criticism.) Make a mental note of your facial expression and remind yourself of your good qualities. Give yourself full recognition. Smile if you’re inclined to. If you’re focusing on another person, take some time to feel the presence of that individual with all your senses. Once you have a good, clear image, it will resonate and linger in your mind.

  The most difficult person in the world to hold in loving awareness is usually oneself. We can be blindsided by unexpected, long-forgotten thoughts and feelings. A shameful way you treated your brother? An episode of infidelity in your marriage? Even when we don’t like ourselves, we work with what we’ve got. We visualize ourselves, repeat kind wishes, savor any good feelings that the phrases evoke, refocus on our image, return to the phrases, shift to an easier person when necessary, return to ourselves, and so on. The practice requires flexibility, but we eventually learn to be affectionate with ourselves through thick and thin. By evoking good will over and over, we discover the inherent goodness behind all those disturbing thoughts, feelings, and words. This may seem like a huge achievement, but isn’t that how our pets already see us? Surely we can do the same for ourselves.

  BACKDRAFT

  When a fire is deprived of oxygen, it will explode when fresh air is introduced through an open door. Firefighters call that “back-draft.” A similar effect can occur when we practice loving-kindness. If our hearts are hot with suffering—self-hatred, self-doubt—when we begin to practice, sympathetic words can open the door of our hearts, causing an explosion of difficult feelings. Those feelings are not created by metta practice; we’re simply recognizing and feeling them as they go out the door. It’s part of the healing process.

  This phenomenon is so common that my patients and others have used different metaphors to describe it:

  “Metta is like dropping cold water on a hot skillet. The water sizzles and skates around the pan. It’s a good thing, but it takes time to realize it’s a good thing.”

  “ ‘May I be happy’ is a minefield!”

  “The light of love brings up ‘I’m unlovable. I’m self-indulgent.’”

  “Love is a double-edged sword; it cuts away the pain in the present, but it also slices into the pain of the past!”

  Therapists are keenly aware of this process when working with people who suffer from feelings of worthlessness and shame. If a therapist says something kind or admiring, such as “You were so courageous to have challenged your father in that way,” a patient struggling with low self-worth may feel mocked or patronized. That isn’t due to insincerity by the therapist, but because kind words bring up negative messages from the past, like “You’re nothing but a coward!” That’s backdraft.

  Everything we know is seen in contrast to something else. For example, we know our toe is soft because a rock is hard. For people who are full of negative thoughts about themselves, a loving remark can cause an eruption of all those contrasting ideas that, due to their intensity, feel more truthful than the kind remark. In this case, a kind comment is easily misinterpreted as an intentional insult. When it happens in meditation, we doubt our own sincerity.

  We need to address the hidden feelings that erupt when we’re good to ourselves in loving-kindness meditation. Do you remember the discussion of “schemas” in Chapter 4? Some of us may feel fundamentally ashamed, alone, abandoned, isolated, or deprived. These conditioned, core beliefs from childhood are guaranteed to emerge when we do loving-kindness practice. How do we work skillfully with old hurts and feelings?

  The first rule is to expect bad feelings to arise. What comes up is not an obstacle to practice if you can maintain your emotional equilibrium. If sadness or grief or self-doubt arises, recognize that you’
re suffering in that very moment and offer yourself good will with the same phrases you’ve been using all along. Try not to get absorbed in the story line. Be good to yourself because you’re feeling pain. Don’t try to push away bad feelings. Focus on yourself, not on the feelings. Metta teaches you to be sympathetic toward yourself. Every moment is an opportunity to practice that, no matter what you’re feeling.

  The second rule is to maintain balance. If you find that the feelings coming up are too strong, you don’t have to become more ardent in your metta practice. Don’t fall into the trap of intensifying metta to fight intensely uncomfortable feelings. That’s combat, not loving-kindness, and it’ll only make you feel worse. Perhaps you should back off and give yourself kindness in a different, less introspective way, such as having dinner with friends or taking a trip to the beach. If you feel emotionally numb, that’s a sure sign you should back off and be good to yourself in another way, perhaps by engaging in an activity described in Chapter 5.

  The third rule is to apply mindfulness. If it makes sense to stick with your meditation, you can always switch to using your breath or another anchor (sound, touch) when the phrases generate too much feeling. Remember, however, to saturate your mindfulness practice with affection. Use the skills from Chapters 2 and 3. Try labeling the emotion (“Ah, jealousy”; “Ah, embarrassment”; “Ah, anger”). If you linger with the emotion, a tightly held emotion behind it may release, such as anger behind guilt or fear behind anger. When labeling is not enough, locate the sensation of the emotion in your body, perhaps in your abdomen, chest, or throat, and describe the feeling tone (“unpleasant”). Then give yourself more metta.