The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion

by Christopher K Germer

  Don’t try to be too literal about light meditation, or any visualization meditation. You don’t have to actually “see” the candle in your mind’s eye as you saw it outside—just let there be a sense of illumination in your heart region. When you close your eyes, you’ll see light patterns on your eyelids. This is possible because you’re a conscious being and your nerve cells contain energy. Every cell of your body contains energy. Let yourself be aware of the energy—pulsation, light, vitality—in your chest cavity.

  Remember that the light is not intended to drive away negative feelings or qualities. It dispels darkness by its very nature, not by “trying.” The warmth of light is like a heating pad that can be applied to a painful muscle. Simply apply the treatment when and where it’s needed and see what happens.

  MUSIC MEDITATION

  Music can be a meditation when we’re absorbed in it. Meditation, in the broadest sense, is a method of regulating attention and awareness for a particular purpose. Sometimes music is relaxing, sometimes it’s stimulating, and often it moves us wordlessly into states of heightened perception and emotional awareness. When we use music to evoke good will toward ourselves, by focusing our attention and allowing loving feelings to arise, it becomes a self-compassion meditation.

  Music can provide comfort in the midst of suffering. Pachelbel’s “Canon” helped a dear friend who was dying of cancer accept her illness. When I play the song “I Will Always Love You” (Whitney Houston) in a workshop, it always moves a few people to tears. The key when listening to music is to allow yourself to be moved.

  Music is a universal language—it can be enjoyed by all the personality types—but it’s also highly subjective. Make your own “self-compassion play list.” You can reinterpret some familiar love songs to bring love to yourself such as “I Will Always Love You” or “Stand by Me.” Others, like Anna Nalick’s “Just Breathe” or “All the Good in This Life” by Garbage, are explicitly self-compassionate. Devotional music, like Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up,” can awaken a deep sense of love, softening how we look at both the world and ourselves.

  Here’s a random selection of music to get you started:

  “Dear Lord”/John Coltrane Quartet

  “Close to You”/The Carpenters

  Finale, Symphony No. 9: “Ode to Joy”/Ludwig van Beethoven

  “When I’m Sixty-Four”/The Beatles

  “You Are the Sunshine of My Life”/Stevie Wonder

  “Our Love Is Here to Stay”/Ella Fitzgerald

  “Angel”/Jimi Hendrix

  “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring”/Johann Sebastian Bach

  “Dedicated to the One I Love”/The Mamas and the Papas

  Piano Sonata, Op. 109: first movement/Ludwig van Beethoven

  Finale, Suite from The Firebird/Igor Stravinsky

  “Reach Out, I’ll Be There”/Four Tops

  Traumerei, Op. 15, #7/Robert Schumann

  “If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free”/Sting

  “I Hear a Symphony”/The Supremes

  Fantasie in C, third movement/Robert Schumann

  “Everybody Is a Star”/Sly and the Family Stone

  “Thank You (Falletinme Be Mice Elf Agin)”/Sly and the Family Stone

  Sonata No. 2: first movement, Andante/Alexander Scriabin “Lean on Me”/Ben E. King

  “Acknowledgement,” from A Love Supreme/John Coltrane Quartet

  “Til the Morning Comes”/Grateful Dead

  Being in Dreaming/Michael Hewett

  “Welcome”/John Coltrane Quartet

  A Meeting by the River/Ry Cooder and V. M. Bhatt

  NATURE MEDITATION

  As Georgia O’Keeffe said, “A flower touches everyone’s heart.” Wilderness areas and national parks have become the pilgrimage centers of the secular world, where we go for refuge, connection, and healing. When we walk in nature, we inevitably imagine ourselves as big as the sky, as solid as a tree, or as deep as a lake. If you sit long enough in the woods, listening quietly, the inhabitants of the forest will come out to be with you. Nature meditation may be especially healing to the survivor and the outsider. It offers a special way of practicing self-compassion when contact with people is, or has been, difficult.

  The natural world is a great teacher. Nature continuously reveals birth and death, heat and cold, wet and dry, light and dark—the truth of impermanence. It can also be cruel, showing the universality of suffering. Nature is way too grand and beautiful to possess or control. Only by letting go and allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and moved by it can we share in nature’s wealth. That’s meditation.

  My wife and I have a cabin in the Maine woods without electricity or running water. I go there, as John Burroughs wrote, “to be soothed and healed, and to have my senses put in tune once more.” My wife doesn’t have a formal meditation practice, but when she steps into the woods, her eyes sparkle with joy. She feels a sense of aliveness and interconnection that escapes most of us living in the concrete jungle.

  For a compassionate guide to nature meditation, read Awake in the Wild: Mindfulness in Nature as a Path in Self-Discovery by Mark Coleman. This book contains instructions for meditating in nature and will make an excellent companion on your next walk in the woods.

  MAKING A VOW

  The subtext of this book is “intention, intention, intention,” and making a vow can strengthen our core intentions. A vow is generally considered a solemn promise, but it’s better to think of it as something gentle and light. It’s a touchstone to which we return again and again, for the joy of it, as we might return to the breath in meditation. A vow turns life into meditation.

  The loving-kindness phrases can double as a vow. For example, when I wake up in the morning, I try to remember the phrases:

  May all beings be safe and free from harm.

  May all beings be peaceful and happy.

  May all beings be healthy and strong.

  May all beings live with ease.

  Sometimes I just say:

  May all beings be happy.

  May all beings be free.

  This little practice helps me notice when I unwittingly layer suffering upon myself or cause difficulty to another person during the day. A friend told me, “The wish for all beings to be free sets the mind straight.”

  A vow shapes how we conduct the activities of our lives. It can apply equally to major tasks, such as raising children, and to minor tasks, like brushing our teeth. A vow may be especially useful for people who feel rudderless, such as the floater or the butterfly, and it comes easily to the moralist, who strives to do the right thing, or the perfectionist, who sets high standards. The latter two groups can help balance their zeal by formulating a gentle vow, like “compassion first.”

  A vow is the easiest of all meditations. We frontload all the work when we decide what we want our lives to stand for and then simply restate the vow occasionally to ourselves. If the vow truly reflects your heart’s desire, it will have a power all its own, shaping your thoughts, feelings, and actions (see “The Power of Commitment” in Chapter 9).

  As we progress on the path of self-compassion, the distinction between our own suffering and the suffering of others begins to blur. That is, as we stop fighting against personal pain, our attention naturally shifts to others. Compassion itself becomes the vow.

  This impulse is behind one of the Dalai Lama’s favorite vows, originally written by Shantideva, an Indian Buddhist monk from the 8th century CE :

  For as long as space endures,

  And for as long as living beings remain,

  Until then may I, too, abide

  To dispel the misery of the world.

  APPENDIX C

  further reading and practice

  Now that you’ve had a taste of self-compassion, the following resources can assist you in deepening your practice. Study is an important component of practice insofar as good ideas can inspire you and help you avoid unnecessary confusion. The books listed below explore compassion an
d mindfulness from a variety of angles, especially the intersection of modern psychology, Buddhist psychology, and psychotherapy. Many of the following materials don’t focus explicitly on self-compassion, but they contain the spirit of the practice. Use them as an opportunity to experiment on your own. Some books below are written for a general audience and others are oriented more for mental health professionals, so please check online for reviews of books that may interest you.

  There’s no substitute for practicing under the guidance of a qualified teacher. Since many practitioners don’t have access to teachers, audiovisual materials can be a valuable aid to practice. Some guided meditation tapes are listed below, as well as websites where information and other resources can be found.

  Retreats are also an important part of deeper practice. Meditation training centers from the insight meditation (metta), Tibetan Buddhist (tonglen), and Zen (compassionate awareness) traditions are listed below.

  BOOKS

  Compassion

  Brach, T. (2003). Radical acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a Buddha. New York: Bantam Dell.

  Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who you are. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.

  Chödrön, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for difficult times. Boston: Shambhala.

  Dalai Lama (2001). An open heart: Practicing compassion in everyday life. New York: Little, Brown.

  Feldman, C. (2005). Compassion: Listening to the cries of the world. Berkeley, CA: Rodmell Press.

  Flowers, S., & Stahl, B. (2011). Living with your heart wide open: How mindfulness and compassion can free you from unworthiness, inadequacy, and shame. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

  Fredrickson, B. (2013). Love 2.0: Finding happiness and health in moments of connection. New York: Plume.

  Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. London: Constable & Robinson.

  Gilbert, P., & Choden, (2014). Mindful compassion: How the science of compassion can help you understand your emotions, live in the present, and connect deeply with others. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications

  Goleman, D. (Ed.). (2003). Healing emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on mindfulness, emotions, and health. Boston: Shambhala.

  Hanh, T. N. (1998). Teachings on love. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press.

  Kolts, R., & Chodron, T. (2013). Living with an open heart: How to cultivate compassion in everyday life. London: Robinson Publishing.

  Kornfield, J. (2009). The wise heart: A guide to the universal teachings of Buddhist psychology. New York: Bantam Books.

  Makransky, J. (2007). Awakening through love: Unveiling your deepest goodness. Somerville, MA: Wisdom.

  Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.

  Salzberg, S. (1995). Lovingkindness: The revolutionary art of happiness. Boston: Shambhala.

  Singer, T., & Bolz, M. (Eds.). (2013). Compassion: Bridging practice and science. Leipzig, Germany: Max-Planck Institute. Free ebook available at http://www.compassion-training.org/.

  Mindfulness

  Baer, R. (2014). Practising happiness: How mindfulness can free you from psychological traps and help you build the life you want. London: Robinson.

  Brach, T. (2013). True refuge: Finding peace and freedom in your own awakened heart. New York: Bantam Books.

  Goldstein, J. (2013). Mindfulness: A practical guide to awakening. Louisville, CO: Sounds True.

  Goldstein, J., & Kornfield, J. (1987). Seeking the heart of wisdom: The path of insight meditation. Boston: Shambhala.

  Graham, L. (2013). Bouncing back: Rewiring your brain for maximum resilience and well-being. Novato, CA: New World Library.

  Gunaratana, B. (2002). Mindfulness in plain English. Somerville, MA: Wisdom.

  Hanh, T. N. (1976). The miracle of mindfulness. Boston: Beacon Press.

  Hanson, R. (2009). The Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Press.

  Hanson, R. (2013). Hardwiring happiness: The new brain science of contentment, calm, and confidence. Easton, PA: Harmony Press.

  Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full catastrophe living: Using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illness. New York: Dell.

  Kabat-Zinn, J. (2011). Mindfulness for beginners: Reclaiming the present moment—and your life. Louisville, CO: Sounds True.

  Kornfield, J. (2008). The wise heart: A guide to the universal teachings of Buddhist psychology. New York: Bantam Dell.

  Magid, B. (2008). Ending the pursuit of happiness: A Zen guide. Somerville, MA: Wisdom.

  Moffitt, P. (2008). Dancing with life: Buddhist insights for finding meaning and joy in the face of suffering. New York: Rodale Books.

  Olendzki, A. (2010). Unlimiting mind: The radically experiential psychology of Buddhism. Somerville, MA: Wisdom Publications.

  Salzberg, S. (2010). Real happiness: The power of meditation: A 28-day program. New York: Workman Publishing Company.

  Stahl, B., & Goldstein, E. (2010). A mindfulness-based stress reduction workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

  Teasdale, J., Williams, M., & Segal, Z. (2014). The mindful way workbook: An 8-week program to free yourself from depression and emotional distress. New York: Guilford Press.

  Tolle, E. (1999). The power of now. Novato, CA: New World Library.

  Willard, C. (2010). The child’s mind: Mindfulness practices to help our children be more focused, calm, and relaxed. Berkeley, CA: Parallax Press.

  Psychotherapy

  Brown, B. (1999). Soul without shame: A guide to liberating yourself from the judge within. Boston: Shambhala.

  Geller, S., & Greenberg, L. (2011). Therapeutic presence: A mindful approach to affective therapy. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association Press.

  Germer, C., & Siegel, R. (Eds.). (2012). Wisdom and compassion in psychotherapy: Deepening mindfulness in clinical practice. New York: Guilford Press.

  Germer, C., Siegel, R., & Fulton, P. (Eds.). (2013). Mindfulness and psychotherapy, second edition. New York: Guilford Press.

  Gilbert, P. (2010). Compassion focused therapy: Distinctive features. London: Routledge.

  Hayes, S., & Smith, S. (2005). Get out of your mind and into your life: The new acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

  Hayes, S., Strosahl, K., & Wilson, K. (2011). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change, second edition. New York: Guilford Press.

  Harris, R., & Hayes, S. (2009). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

  Kolts, R. (2013). The compassionate-mind guide to managing your anger: Using compassion-focused therapy to calm your rage and heal your relationships. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Press.

  Ladner, L. (2004). The lost art of compassion: Discovering the practice of happiness in the meeting of Buddhism and psychology. New York: HarperCollins.

  Orsillo, S., & Roemer, L. (2011). The mindful way through anxiety: Break free from chronic worry and reclaim your life. New York: Guilford Press.

  Pollak, S., Pedulla, T., & Siegel, R. (2014). Sitting together: Essential skills for mindfulness-based psychotherapy. New York: Guilford Press.

  Segal, Z., Williams, M., & Teasdale, J. (2012). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for depression, second edition. New York: Guilford Press.

  Siegel, D. (2010). Mindsight: The new science of personal transformation. New York: Bantam Books.

  Siegel, R. (2009). The mindfulness solution: Everyday practices for everyday problems. New York: Guilford Press.

  Tirch, D. (2012). The compassionate-mind guide to overcoming anxiety: Using compassion focused therapy to calm worry, panic, and fear. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Press.

  Williams, M., Teasdale, J., & Segal, Z. (2007). The mindful way thro
ugh depression: Freeing yourself from chronic unhappiness. New York: Guilford Press.

  Welford, M. (2013). The power of self-compassion: Using compassion-focused therapy to end self-criticism and build self-confidence. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Press.

  WEBSITES

  Author information and guided self-compassion meditations: www.MindfulSelfCompassion.org.

  Online group on loving-kindness: groups.yahoo.com/group/giftoflovingkindness

  Self-compassion research: www.self-compassion.org

  Science of meditation and compassion: www.mindandlife.org

  Teachers:

  Tara Brach: www.imcw.org/tara-brach

  Pema Chödrön: www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/

  Dalai Lama: www.dalailama.com

  Jon Kabat-Zinn : www.umassmed.edu/cfm/index.aspx

  Jack Kornfield: www.jackkornfield.org

  Lama Surya Das: www.dzogchen.org

  Sharon Salzberg: www.sharonsalzberg.com

  Thich Nhat Hanh: www.iamhome.org, www.plumvillage.org

  Buddhist practice journals: www.tricycle.com, www.thebuddhadharma.com, www.shambhalasun.com

  Mindfulness-based stress reduction: www.umassmed.edu/cfm Mindfulness and psychotherapy: www.meditationandpsychotherapy.org

  GUIDED MEDITATION AND TEACHING

  Audiovisual materials of all kinds: www.soundstrue.com

  Recommended guided meditation from Sounds True:

  Tara Brach (2014). Developing Self-Compassion.

  Tara Brach (2005). Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame.

  Tara Brach (2009). Meditations for Emotional Healing: Finding Freedom in the Face of Difficulty.