Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  “Come back Hem, please come back soon.” I whisper to no one but myself as I turn the car and head towards the library.

  Turning into work I am thankful I have had enough time to regroup. I check my phone to see if I have any missed text messages from Hem, thank hell I have one. It was actually sent by him, at least Hem’s phone anyway, so I know he understands my urgency.

  *HEM: Business here is about done, kiddo. We are all good and safe. Headed home at daylight. You stay safe, I mean it. Do not fuck around until I get home.

  Such a bully. Sticking my tongue out at the phone I realize what a grown up I’ve turned out to be. It’s not a proud moment but whatever!

  Finding Peyton already at her desk, I walk over to say hello. She looks chipper as always, but I guess she’s been here a while already and had a chance to wake up. “Hey Peyton, how are things? Look I’m really sorry about this morning. With Hem and my dad out of town I just wanted to be sure my mom was okay.”

  “Hey there, Mace. Oh things are as fine as ever. We are slow today, the new research contracts aren’t due here until Monday so we should plan on how to handle once they get here. I don’t know if Gramma told you but we get quarterly requests from the local police department to research and gather data on items that they give us. Most of it is C-R-A-Z-Y boring but it passes the time.”

  I shrug at her in silence because it sounds like a complete snooze fest than work. “Oh don’t look like that, some of it can be pretty interesting. Sometimes we pull files on actual police cases so you have to sign a non-disclosure agreement before you can touch them. Just think of it as our own personal adventure at the library.” She smiles, her sweet innocence is always present.

  “Alright fine, I will bring my happy face to work Monday, just for you. Got any big plans this weekend? Plan on using that fake ID of yours because maybe Monday one of those cases will be your arrest record.” I laugh out loud, cracking myself up. She scowls at me then realizes it is kind of funny and finally smirks.

  “Shut up, Mace. That’s not funny. I told you, I don’t have a life except on Saturday nights. I have a great idea! Mace, oh Mace! Come with me tomorrow night. It will be so fun, please! Say you will come. Please Mace, please.” She is now standing and bouncing up and down like a child who is begging for ice cream.

  “Stop, you are making me dizzy with the bouncing. I will ask Sadey if she’s interested. I don’t think she has plans but I can’t commit until I talk to her, okay?”

  “Text her, text her, text her.” She’s chanting for effect and still about ready to drive me nuts, the child has no off button.

  “Okay! Okay! Calm down. Why does it feel like it is only 8 o’clock in the morning and my patience has already worn thin with you?” I wink so she knows I’m only half kidding.

  “I’m about to text her now, so don’t ask me anything about it until I tell you I have a reply, understand me missy?”

  She holds her fingers up as a girl scout salute and puts them over her heart in promise. Dramatic but cute as hell.

  *ME: At work. Peyton wants company tomorrow night while she is using her fake ID to get into Shell Horns, wanna go? I’m not going unless you are going, so you decide. If we don’t go, we can sit at home and eat Oreos because we haven’t done that enough lately right?

  I say the Oreo bit because that is all we have done and we just realized that damn both our pants are starting to fit tight. Depression is a breeding ground for empty calories and fat, she and I agree.

  *SADEY: What about the boys, Mace? What if they come back and we aren’t here? Aren’t they due back soon, have you heard from them?

  Oye the woman is such a glutton, always.

  *ME: Ok yes, I heard from Hem just this morning. They are finishing up today and are riding out first thing tomorrow morning. We have plenty of free time between now and then and I’m sure you could use a distraction. Are we in for Shell Horns or not? What if I throw that you can dress me up, within reason? Will even let you do my hair! xxoo

  *SADEY: Hell to the yeah! Woot Woot! I love you!

  I knew that would cheer her up. “Well little Peyton, you got yourself some cohorts for tomorrow night. What time should we meet you?”

  “OH MY G-O-D! I’m soooo stoked now. This is going to be aaafrigginmazing. Thank you, Mace thank you and thank you! I don’t have any other girlfriends with fake ID’s so this is going to be a blast! E-P-I-C! Let’s plan to meet there about 8 o’clock. Crowds really don’t start until about 10 or so, but this way we can enjoy some girl time and drinks before the meat market arrives.”

  Did she just refer to men there as meat? Damn, how has she not been snatched into a local Motorcycle Club yet? Shit. She walks right to me as she smiles wide and gives me the biggest hug I’ve had since Hem left almost two weeks ago. I don’t hug her back, I just stand there wrapped in her arms until she frees me and walks away. For whatever reason, her action tugs at my heart a bit and I start to get a little wet in the eyes so I head to my desk, without another word.

  On the way home for work I realize I have not been by the club since the boys left. I vowed to never come back, but at the time my hurt was fresh and I was being unreasonable. This is Hem’s home and Hem is my home so I better start showing my face to avoid the sad stares once Shame is back.

  Turning into the drive I can see some of the brothers drinking. Music from inside blasts and it looks like things here are the same as when Hem is here running it. This says something about his leadership, the Club respects him and stays out of trouble in his absence. The family here knows what Shame and Hem were after when heading to Texas and if they know how it ended up, they aren’t letting it show.

  I wonder if Ace is here and if he’s healed by now. I have thought about calling him almost every day but the truth is, I feel responsible because I knew about how he felt. When he told me I didn’t really give him a warning, I just listened because I thought that was what he needed.

  Kegs, Cherry, Winnie, Bloom, and Gunner are all sitting in the living area just hanging out. Gunner is so reserved and quiet it is hard to tell if he’s even interested in a specific woman. He certainly has a nice variety here, well two acceptable and two fucking whores that I hate.

  “MACE! I can’t believe it’s you! I’m so glad to see you.” Kegs is being sincere, since she and I have found our boundaries around each other, we are almost friends.

  “Hello, April. I just wanted to stop in and see how it was going and thought I would see if Ace ever came back?” All goes quiet. I don’t know if it’s because I asked about Ace or those two nasty sluts are still in this room.

  Here, let me address this shit and find out. “Hey Skank and skank, have you seen Ace?”

  “Are you fuckin serious you uptight bitch? Who the fuck do you think you are all walking up in here looking and acting all important. You may be Hem’s little sister but you ain’t shit more than that. You’re just living off his name. Fuck, no man here wants you. You’re too tame, prude, and plain. Shame dumped your square ass and Hem isn’t here so why don’t you just go and leave the business to us. Psh.” Oh and doesn’t Bloom have such nice things to say. At least I just figured out why they were always so quiet around me when I was with Shame. These bitches were eyeing me like they were the fat girls and I was holding cotton candy.

  “Shut the fuck up, you fucking club whore. Damn women, always bitching and moaning to each other or about each other. Christ a guy could lose his nuts hanging around you bitches for too long. Pres. and the boys can’t fucking get back here fast enough, Jesus. How about since Mace is here, you and skank head on out of here. No man wants a piece of you anyway after the shit you pulled between Shame and Mace.”

  And hello everyone, meet a pissed off Gunner. Damn he couldn’t have said that shit better if he were me. Maybe he could pass for one of the girls. I bite my tongue because of course I want to say that out loud. He runs his hands over his crew cut and down his face from the fatigue of dealing with the woman of the hour.


  “Maybe you are hanging out with too many women, Gunner. You just told them what I was thinking! That was impressive.” Seriously, shocking.

  Winnie pipes up with all her intelligence. “What the fuck ever, Hem won’t let us go. We are prized old lady material.” She walks near me, looks me up and down and scoffs.

  “Gunner, tell Hem and Shame we still want to hang tomorrow night so have them give us a shout when they get in, they promised.” She just said too much.

  Sensing my fury, Kegs to the rescue. She even beats Gunner who has risen to his feet as well.

  “Where you guys going to be?” She starts in quick. “I will tell them for you. I mean, which corner are we talking because you need to account for commute time being that you’re probably paid by the hour? Winnie, clue the fuck in.” She says with an eye roll. “We all know that as long as Mace and Sadey are living and breathing, hell even if they were to move away or die, those girls are with Hem and Shame for-fucking-ever. The sooner you realize they ain’t going anywhere and chill the fuck out, the sooner the boys will let you stay and loiter around here. Right now though, you should probably scoot because Gunner is not looking too happy.” Wow. Go Kegs!

  I look over to Gunner. Oh shit, she was not kidding. He has his hand around his back holding onto the butt of his gun. What the heck? He can’t just shoot them. Well hell, maybe he can, I don’t know I’m just here to say hi, not create more damn drama.

  “Whatevs traitor, just two weeks ago you were one of us. Get off your high horse and back down on your knees where you belong, isn’t that where Shame likes you most?” Winnie smiles at me. Again, bitch! They head out the door, slamming it behind them as Kegs did in Shame’s room before Shame and I had our first night together.

  Gunner tries to lighten the mood after that gut belting comment about Shame. “Damn, do they teach these Club women how to exit a room so fucking dramatically? That shit has to take fuckin practice.”

  “Mace, they said that to hurt you. I’m sorry. I know you’re already aware Shame and I have a past but it means nothing, meant nothing ever. That boy is yours if you still want him, I’m really sorry.”

  I can’t look at her because I am reminded of Shames past and looking at her just pulls me back and reminds me of the life he so willingly left me for. I just smile, nod, and turn back to Gunner.

  “So, is Ace here?” I’m actually asking no one in particular but Gunner answers almost immediately.

  “Yep, he’s in his room right now. He’s alone if you want to go say hi. He’s better Mace, and I think he’s in a better place mentally too.” Gunner looks calm after the bitches exit.

  “Ok, I think I’m just going to run up real quick and say hi, if you don’t care. I assume you’re to be holding down the fort and I’m not here to start trouble.”

  “Oh Pete’s sakie! Just got say hi to our boy.” Kegs winks like she’s playing mama to Gunner being daddy. Kind of funny after the day I had, and that it would be these two that would help cheer me up.

  On my way upstairs my phone chimes with a text. Wasn’t expecting anything from anyone so I grab it quickly in case it’s about Mom. Nope, my heart stops mid beat instead.

  *SHAME: We are leaving at dawn for the ride home, be at Club when we arrive. We are talking.

  Oh hell no we are not. Screw that. He cannot even be serious right now! I just had my memory jogged by skank and skank, no way can I look at him again anytime soon and I sure as hell don’t have to listen to anything he has to say.

  *ME: Screw that. I have plans, going out clubbing with girls. I did however just run into your two favorites, both Winnie and Bloom are waiting with tongues and boobs for you to return. Have at them big guy. You are theirs to have, so they plan to enjoy. No time to talk. Later.

  I’m being a child, totally. Oh well. Didn’t come here to think or talk to Shame. I haven’t taken the time to even stop and really think about why he hurt me the way he did. Thoughts have crossed my mind but what I come up with is that he probably just found out early that I wasn’t enough for him and that hurts more than I need it too.

  Walking down the hall I hit Ace’s room. Knocking softly I hear him mutter for me to enter. When I walk in I have to momentarily pause. Holy crap his room is clean. What man in this unit has his shit together like this? I am so friggin impressed.

  “Why are you smirking?” He’s lying on his bed, remote in hand staring at me in wonder.

  “Well Ace, I just like what you’ve done with the place. It is so... soo.”

  “Clean woman, it’s clean. I don’t like my shit scattered like some of these gorillas. It weirds me out how some live like that, okay? Don’t knock me for it, and don’t be sharing my OCD cleaning habits. I may live by a biker code, but I don’t have to live like some of these fools. Sit now please, how are you? Mace, it is really good to finally see you. Gunner text me and told me you were on your way up to say hi, I’m really glad you’re here.”

  “Yes, I wanted to check on you. Last time I saw you, well do you remember seeing me that night that you were uhh, ummm.. you know.”

  “I was getting my ass beat, Mace. Rightly so I might add. I fucked up and deserved Hem’s fury. Just did not think that shit through that it wouldn’t be just Hem’s fury alone that I would get, hell as we were walking out he told two of the other boys and Shame to follow. That’s when I sobered up. Fuck, I was scared.” He’s reliving it inside but he still doesn’t look regretful.

  “I’m sorry that happened to you, Ace. You didn’t deserve that. Just because you love....”

  “No no no, don’t say it. That will never happen again and I will never, ever utter another word about that to anyone. I should be thanking you though. When I woke up a few days later Gunner had come up here to change the dressings on my wounds and he told me you were the one who pounced on Hem and made him stop. If you hadn’t have done that Mace, I don’t … well I don’t know...” His eyes are filling with tears now so I want to deter his thought.

  “You look really good. Look like you are healing now so that’s good, right?”

  “Yeah, but when I woke up the boys were already gone on the ride so now it’s a waiting game, I mean he’s your brother, do you think he’s done with me? I can’t be kicked out Mace, I don’t know where else to go and another Club…. well that’s not even an option for me. This is my home and I pissed on it, on the brothers. Maybe Hem will take pity on me and just give me another beating, do you think he would do that if I asked for it?” Now he looks regretful. A wonderful man, he isn’t pissed at the brothers for his beating, he’s pissed at himself for what he did to deserve it.

  I feel so bad for him. He’s had two weeks of mental punishment while he’s trying to recover and survive the physical one. “I think you are fine, it will take time for Hem to trust you again, but deep down Ace we both know Hem has heart of gold and big soft spot for his boys, even when they screw up. Maybe though going forward you don’t want to say anything to him about how he handles his women, even if it isn’t Sadey, huh? My brother he’s a good man, he would never hurt any woman. You know this already though, don’t you? No, you are not going to ask for a beating, you are just now really recovering from the last one.”

  “Yes. I know she’s safe with him. That wasn’t my point. I wanted her and it wouldn’t have mattered if he treated her like the princess she is, Mace. I still would have ran my mouth if only because I was hurt. I was hurt, I missed her, and I already told you that. It was just so overwhelming to see them together and that night, he had told her he was going to tape her mouth shut if she kept yapping at him and so I just fucking lost it. I found an excuse to do that because I was looking for one. When they started on me out there it was a relief. Do you get that?”

  “Yes, I know. Your heart will recover eventually though. You will get past this want for her, I promise. Ya know, oddly enough and you won’t even believe me but I think Cherry has taken a shine to you.” He puts his hand up just like Hem does to me when h
e needs me to just stop talking.

  “Oh God, stop. No way, she’s been with every one of the brothers! I don’t need a woman, if I decided to even entertain the idea of one of these Club leach girls it would definitely be Kegs.”

  Shit! I’ve basically already promised her to Honor and hell, she doesn’t even know this!

  “Ummm no. I’m going to confess something, and don’t tell on me but I’m working something for April. I like her.” He starts to smile wide. ‘’”Yes you heard right. She did me a favor couple weeks ago, good person and well I kind of promised Honor that if he comes back from this ride I was going to set him up with April.” He’s keeps his smile but now he’s trying not to break into a laugh. “What?”

  “Who the fuck is April?” He’s laughing hard now. He’s holding his belly and wincing same time while he’s sniggering at me. The man has no idea Kegs real given name was April.

  I throw my chair pillow at him, “Shut up Ace. It’s Kegs. Kegs is April. You be nice to her because if you think Hem has a temper, well you haven’t seen ‘Mace unplugged’.” Now he’s really laughing.

  “Okay, Mama Bear.” He is smiling ear to ear and he doesn’t realize how he just hit the nail right on the head.

  “Ace, I gotta run. It’s been a shit week and I’m tired. You need anything you holla okay?” He’s smiling at my use of words because it is so unlike me to use slang.

  “Bye the way the hair, I see you haven’t shaved. Probably because of your condition but Ace, I gotta say... you look hot with hair. Really, you do. You should keep it.” Now he throws that pillow at me while I’m standing at the door but it gets nowhere near me in his weakened state. Funny.

  “I was wrong, maybe I won’t have to ask for another ass beating. You just called me hot and if Shame were to hear that he would kill me! Now get out of here woman, I’ve got shows to watch.” I head for the door but hear him, “Mace?”

  “Yep?”

  “I know he’s your brother, but you make sure she’s happy for me, okay? Even if it’s not with me, she’s a sweet girl with a gigantic heart. When it comes down to it, I just think she deserves every happiness that someone can offer her.” Another romantic biker. Damn, could Shame have not cottoned on to any of them?