Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  The cowboy and I remain quiet as the song ends and thankfully after a while the music picks up, meaning that they have now started playing music from this decade so Journey, Foreigner, and Boston have been laid to rest for the time being. Pink screams into the speakers about her Funhouse while the live band takes a break and we are all now dancing in a circle in the middle of the dance floor.

  Sadey has dropped her scowl now that the cowboy has taken his hands off me. Peyton is rocking her head around in circles as if this was heavy metal concert and her blond hair is flying everywhere, just like the perfect groupie. Derek, the cowboy and I are just spinning around and showing off our lack of dance skills. Every now and then he touches my back in a subtle way but now it is starting to feel as though I’m dancing with a cousin or little brother. I hate when a hot man doesn’t do anything for me.

  Miserably, I know why that is in this case. I’m standing in a crowded room with good friends, hot men and I should be dancing and laughing but my mind is on Shame. The hurt is back and settling in my chest. That text I sent him, just that small form of quiet contact has left me feeling desolate again. I know it can’t be possible but I almost feel him here.

  Before I can continue my route heart first into my own sadness and despair I feel large hands grip my hips with purpose and pull me back into a very hard body. I’m stunned but that good ole liquid courage has me remaining my focus on the dance. Derek gives me a curious look, Peyton’s mouth has once again dropped, and Sadey is grinning from ear to ear now.

  Well son of a bitch, this means only one damn thing. Turning around, there he is. All of him. No wonder Derek is looking at me like I’m about to be kidnapped. He’s trying to decide if he should step in or let this play out. No one can dance with a cowboy all night then be felt up by a biker just an hour later without someone casting a concern. Shame is wearing his cut and motorcycle boots on the dance floor which adds to his scariness. His eyes look tired, but still laced with his possessiveness.

  Shame quickly turns me back around so my back is to his front. Instantly he grabs my hips harder, and then leans down while moving my hair off my shoulders with his chin. I can feel his two day stubble, the smell of his consumed whiskey, and his breath on my skin just below my ear. My private piercing just went from awake to alert while feeling his warmth.

  “What. the. fuck. are you doing out here, Mace? Did Hem not tell you to be a good girl while we were gone?” He seethes at me.

  To everyone else, we look like lovers lost in an erotic dance. The way he is grinding my hips against him and how good it feels, I don’t want it to stop but the voice in my ear sounds seriously pissed off.

  I ignore his words though as the alcohol continues to take me under my invincible sheet. Shutting my eyes, keeping to the beat of the music I line my back up to his chest and slide down slowly until my heels touch my ass then bolt back up and bend over slightly putting more weight into his groin. I’m wearing a tight wraparound dress so I am careful not to expose myself to anyone else.

  God all of a sudden I don’t feel like I can’t dance, I feel beautiful because I’m comfortable and feel safe here with Shame, I feel untouchable to anyone else in his presence.

  Shame runs his hand from my ass to my shoulder blades while still gripping my hip with the other and I’m still slightly bent over, my ass is in contact with his groin moving in circles against his growing cock, slowly and not in time with the reckless music. Can’t say at this point I can even hear the music, I can only feel the movement and what I’m doing to him. I don’t think I’m drunk with the alcohol at this point, it is power and lust that is adding to my confidence now.

  He grabs my long hair, spins it around his wrist and yanks hard so I’m standing up again and my back is flush with his front and my neck is titled at his face, “Tell your friends goodbye now Sweetheart, we’re leaving.”

  Sadey sees our show and gives a knowing wink to Peyton to let her know it’s okay and that this is sexual tension not abuse she is witnessing. Peyton is familiar with Shame, being that she’s admitted to how his appearance affects her so she’s still just standing there not dancing, just staring up at him.

  Derek though, I have noticed now has nearly paired off with Peyton. Unsure if she even sees him with Shames presence but I approve. He seems like a good guy, maybe a little boring but I realized a long time ago that I’m ruined for any man other than the one currently behind me stroking my ass with his hands. He’s waiting for me to decide. If we were still together there would be no hesitation in dragging me out of here without my consent, but he knows how damaged I am right now and in his alpha way he’s giving me all the power to call the shots.

  I turn around to remove him completely from my touch. He takes my cue and drops his hands to his sides. I left my purse at the table and if we are going outside then I want to grab it.

  Heading to where my purse was left I lift my head to see Hem and another prospect that I have yet to meet sitting down at our table having a beer. Hem is pissed, must have been some truth to Shame’s conversation starter. Even though I preferred to think of it as foreplay.

  “What the fuck did I tell you before I left, Mace? I fucking told you and correct me if I am wrong but I was clear about it, was I not? Jesus little sister, it was in a damn written text message. I could not have spelled that shit out for you any more than I did! If I tell you to not fuck around while I’m gone, then you sure as fuck do not bring your girlfriends to a club, drink too much, and dance with men you do not know!” Oh, he is roaring like an unsatisfied lion now. Welcome back into the wild, Hem! If he’s not careful he will to pop that angry vein in his temple.

  I am still a bit too into my liquor, lust, and power combination to argue with my brother. I would lose in mincing words with him sober so I’m safe to assume that buzzed he would crush me. Knowing my fight is pointless I just lean down to the seat next to the unknown prospect and grab my purse. I then feel a little froggy so why not jump, I grab Hem by the ears and give him a big ol cheeky kiss. He’s looking no less pissed so I just walk away leaving him there cursing at the table. As I walk back towards the front door, Sadey and Peyton spot me and I motion and mouth, throwing my thumb over my shoulder dramatically to point out to Sadey that Hem is here. She breaks out in smile and darts toward the table. Maybe it wasn’t cool of me to sic Sadey on Hem, but hell if anyone can make that man smile right now it would be her. He will give her the riot act, get a whiff of her, see her smile then he will most likely drag her out of here on his shoulder while smacking her ass. Unsure where this leaves poor Peyton for the night but Hem will ensure that his prospect handles babysitting duty and I will call her tomorrow and apologize for leaving so quickly.

  Fresh cool night air hits my face and it feels so good after being in that stuffy club for the last four hours. I still have not uttered a single word to Shame, I have nothing to even say really. I’m not angry anymore. He’s been gone for two weeks so I’m just glad to see him back home safe. Aside from looking worn from worry and tired from all the miles on the road, he looks the same as when he left so I can relax my guilt about that damn text mishap.

  Now we are just standing outside the club, I can see Sadey’s car from here. I have her keys in my purse, I’m sure Hem will be taking her home or back with him to the Club. I start walking slowly to her car not looking back to see if he’s following because I know he’s there, his overpowering frame shadowing mine.

  “What happened in there, Shame?” I’m tired of waiting for answers. “Why are you here?”

  He frowns, but he doesn’t look angry that I’m asking. Probably just glad I’m talking to him after his confession of loving me, or my face that is, last time we met face to face. “It was nothing. I just saw you dancing, you and I haven’t danced together since your Prom so I wanted the chance and I took it. You certainly didn’t move like that when you were 16, thank fuck.” He smiles and a giggle escapes me at the memory of that night again. Those were better times, before w
e got so caught up in whatever this is.

  Moving closer to me, he lifts his hands to my face and moves the errant hair from my forehead. I have a sheen of sweat on my skin and the cool air is giving me a chill. It was anyway, until he touched me. I lean into his hand a bit, just his familiar scent reminds me of when we were together just two weeks ago.

  “Hem wanted to find you and Sadey. I told on you, ya know. Told him you were going out clubbing with the girls. He said no one was going back to rest until we found you. So, here we are.” He looks almost ornery now, so he told on me. Petulant man-child.

  “Answer the other question, why are you here? What do you want from me? Nothing has changed, you left me Shame. Do you remember?”

  “I want you back, Mace. You know I do. You’re a stubborn little shit and you piss me off but God if I don’t need you.” He stares over my head not looking at me and he is waiting for my response to that.

  The street light illuminates his features in front of me, but they aren’t the hard features others see. No, this Shame standing here is the person I long for, the one I get when it’s just he and I alone in our cocoon.

  I know what I need to say in this moment. I need to ask him to step back and get out of my space because the closer he gets to me the harder it is to tell myself to walk away and avoid more heartache. I like to look at him like this though. Shame is always so composed and secure to the outside world, but with me he’s always able to drop his façade and just be himself.

  I don’t respond to his declaration at all though. Instead I side step him and start walking towards Sadey’s car again. I want to say what I have to say of course, but I really want to be ready to leave after he hears it. He’s not meant for me, and after seeing him with those whores again, it only cemented it.

  Shame has never lied to me in my life, good or bad I’ve always counted on hearing truth from him. Watching him leave with those women, he made the decision to break us and there is just no coming back from that. Understanding that his activity with them wasn’t an act of passionate or emotional betrayal because I know it wasn’t about expressive attachment only physical, but damn if that shit doesn’t hurt me just the same.

  Once we reach the car, he turns me to him and finally our eyes meet. I wish he wouldn’t have touched me, because this is going to hurt me to say anyway but with his eyes and hands on me, and knowing he just put himself out there, this is going to annihilate us both.

  “Shame, I just got back from finding myself. It took me two weeks to even start to function like my old self again. I’m trying to not be dramatic here, but you have ruined me. Seeing the old Shame that night, you touching them and leaving with them after you summoned them to your side and called me trash. We can’t come back from that. I know I can’t anyway.”

  I take a breath to avoid getting worked up and really lose my shit. “You went back to those whores, even after being with me. Choosing that life, instead of ours. I was left there like the trash you referred to me as. You will never know what that did to me, ever. Saddest part about all of this is that I don’t really even know why you did it. I’ve been so scared to ask myself why you decided in seconds that you didn’t want me because my heart knows it’s because I wasn’t enough for you. One woman for you will never be enough, I made a huge mistake thinking that I would have been.”

  I’m talking so calm and it feels like an out of body experience as if I’m just watching myself let Shame go in third person. “I’m sorry we ever got involved. I will never be sorry enough. Not only did I lose you because I did, I lost someone who was as big as part of my life as Hem and Sadey, but I also lost some of myself in the process. Don’t think I don’t think about that. I have those regrets on top of knowing why you left me. It has damaged me.”

  He hasn’t said anything, he hasn’t even interrupted me in true Shame method. He is just standing there in thought, not denying anything I’ve had to say. It dawns on me that I was completely mistaking our whole relationship and how he wants me again. He wants me back he says, but in what context? I can’t be his friend again and I can’t be a casual fuck, not after what we had, despite how brief it was. The fear and reality that this is goodbye erupts inside me and in an outpour of grief and sorrow I finally lose it. I lean over and put my hands on my knees and try to breathe deep through the tears.

  I feel him putting his hand on my back, this should be a form of comfort but it isn’t. A few minutes go by, literally minutes I’m bent over trying to regain my courage. I have to get out of here before I physically get sick. I start searching my purse for Sadey’s keys, never looking over at any part of him. Probably doesn’t matter at this point, not as though this could hurt any more.

  “You think you’re not enough for me? Is that really what you believe? You don’t think enough of me to believe that I could ever fuck anyone else after you? God Mace, I couldn’t. I wanted to hurt you, that’s what you should be angry and pissed off about. I intentionally hurt you, yes. Fuck, I’m guilty. I have no excuse and no reason, other than I was hurting. That is what just the thought of losing you does to me, makes me fucking crazy.” He’s removed his hands from me and is swiping his forehead with his other hand in frustration.

  “Can you imagine what I’m feeling right now, knowing you’re walking away? Mace, I saw you with Gunner when I walked in from what happened to Ace. I was already reeling after what Hem allowed to happen to him. Just before seeing you standing close to Gunner, with so much acquaintance, one of the brothers bitches could not wait to tell me you had kissed Gunner just before you went out to us. You fucking kissed him, dammit! After everything that happened with Ace and how he confessed his love for Sadey, I was already on the edge of trust. I didn’t even process what that kiss could have meant. I know you love me, Mace. You do, and if I would have just thought for a few minutes before I reacted I would have known that whatever circumstance it was or if it were even true, you wouldn’t have kissed him the way you kiss me.” His eyes are filling with unshed tears and rather than focus on that I’m watching his neck as his Adams apple bobs up and down and his body shakes.

  “Mace, it took everything I had Not. To. Kill. Gunner. So yes, I aimed to hurt you, I can’t take that back. I told both those fucking bitches to get gone and don’t come back to the Club that night the moment we walked out the door. I didn’t even take them anywhere, they did not set foot anywhere near my ride. I fucked up, baby. God, you’re the one person I know who is all good and pure and I turned on you. Telling you I’m sorry is meaningless, it is pathetic to even say. I am sorry though. My heart hurts aches for you and I can’t get it to stop. Jesus, but you didn’t love me enough either, Mace. I saw your eyes when you were there you the next day and they were empty of me, you had already moved on. The very next day you had already left me. It wouldn’t have mattered what I said.”

  I take my first look at him since words were said. God he looks as broken as I feel. I hate that we are ending like this, I know I said I regretted what we had but I don’t. I had pure happiness with him, right up until I didn’t have it anymore.

  “I love you Shame, I will always love you. I should thank you and it I know this sounds ridiculous. While we were together, you showed me what I want in my life. I want someone who loves me with passion, who touches me and then watches me ignite. A person that I feel safe with. I got all that with you, thank you for showing me what I was always missing.”

  I turn to open the car door and I hear him sob, and fuck I thought I couldn’t hurt more. When I look back at him, he is on his knees looking up at the dark sky. If I ever believed that he and I weren’t meant to be together, it is in this moment.

  “Look what we do to each other, Shame. God, this hurts and I just don’t want to hurt anymore. We are tearing each other apart piece by piece. I love you so much, too much.” With that I get in the car but not before hearing his voice again, sounding shattered, broken, and lost.

  “Please Mace, don’t leave me alone.”

 
Chapter Fourteen:

  “My life used to be full of everything. Now if you aren't with me I haven't a thing in the world.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  I’m thankful for today being the start of my workweek. Finally it is Monday, and after everything that happened this weekend I need a distraction from this aching pain in my chest.

  After leaving Shame on his knees outside of the club I went home and straight to my room in attempt to expel the tears and pain that were drowning me from the inside out. I kept thinking about what Shame had said that night. He told me he did not sleep with those sluts after he walked out of the Club with them on his arms. I know I should question the validity of this, but I also know Shame and he doesn’t lie to me. His childhood was built on lies. Shame has lived his life trying to be everything his father wasn’t. He meant to hurt me and it was intentional, yes. Although that is certainly not cheating on me, I’m uncertain if the pain is unlike it, in some ways I know it is but when you love someone you want to keep them from any type of heartbreak, not be the cause it. Sure, having him sleeping with someone should be the ultimate cause of pain, but thinking about this as much as I have I still don’t know how to forgive intentional hurt.

  I’m sitting at my desk at the library lost in thought when Peyton finishes talking to the detective who was waiting for us when we got here this morning. She has a huge stack of files in her arms that look like they belong to a cold case unit, there is so much dust and tearing on them.

  She’s smiling big as she walks to me and throws them on my desk with her usual dramatics. “Hey Mace, we have our work cut out for us today so I hope you are ready!”

  “As I will ever be.” I mean that because right now, this really is as ready as I will ever be. Peyton hasn’t questioned my continued solemn attitude yet. I only gave her a brief overview to get her to leave me alone until I adjusted to the workday. I know she doesn’t miss a beat and she’s just waiting to make her move.