Holding On

by A. C. Bextor

  “Hem I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, man. You’re right, I did those things, I confess. I’m so sorry.”

  “You think you’re getting outta here with an apology? No less, a weak apology?” I laugh, a full bellied laugh.

  My thoughts start to consume me and my world gets dark. Remembering those pictures of Cherry, the mental image of Mace and what she told me he did do my Mama. I had originally planned for this night to last, but my rage inside won’t allow that. I’m so fuckin’ pissed I need him to just stop breathing.

  I grab his cock in my hand thinking how he sure as fuck isn’t turned on now, when the positions are changed and he’s tied up. With one swoop I cut him and the head is removed. He screams loudly in pain and passes out. I work the salt again to bring him too, he’s bleeding all over, and every heartbeat sends more blood onto the floor. He’s paler now. I take the knife to his left cheek. This mirrors Mace’s scar. The scar this animal put there and I mark him, exacting the location and size of what he had done to Mace. Again these mental images of him doing this to her are replaying in my mind and I’m fuckin’ pissed. I then take the knife and insert it into this throat, just past the artery. I want him to die slow. He lets out a gasp and he’s forming words. After a few seconds I start to recognize what he’s saying. He’s fuckin’ praying for his soul to be saved.

  “Fuck that asshole. Rot in hell. I then start at his torso, moving the knife in and up, in and up, in and up. I’m creating chaos inside and I can feel I’m hitting organs. I don’t care, I’m channeling all my anger at the entire situation and he’s getting it full force. His head slams down and he’s out. He’s no longer breathing.

  Although I will admit I’m half pissed I let him off so easy, I’m also relieved this fucker is dead. The animal has finally been put down.

  I’m not a smoker but I grab a pack from the box, stepping outside the shed and light one up. I call Warren as we agreed, letting him know it’s done and his boys need to come clean the mess. Also setting up a time that I’m to go to him.

  “It’s done. Same spot he was left in. Have your boys retrieve him and clean up as we agreed. Tomorrow night 6 p.m. I’m yours. Coming directly to you unarmed and alone as you have instructed. I’m not going back on this, you gave your word and I’m giving mine. Once this happens no threat of harm remains to any of my family. We good?”

  “Good.” Click. With my word, Warren is finished with this and we are set. Tonight I will pray. I will give my promise to God to be the man who saves my family and hope he promises to watch over them in my absence.

  Chapter Twenty Two:

  "You're a very small god with a face that breaks my heart."

  --Ernest Hemingway

  This morning I wake up, look at my beautiful wife beside me and my heart breaks in my chest. I’m leaving her today and delivering myself into the hands of a monster. She will never forgive me and her anger even in death, is something I don’t relish. She will feel as though I’ve deserted her, she’s not alone though. She has Mace and Shame and soon she will have our child. She’s lying beside me and her gentle breaths are steady. Tonight I may not come back, the thought hasn’t escaped me that she will never be the same woman I’ve loved all our lives. She knows I owe her everything that I am. When things in my life were shit, she was there to get me through the darkness. I’m planning to repay her by leaving her. I cannot tell her this out loud. She wouldn’t understand why I was doing this, and then her life and those of all that I love would be in danger. I can’t ask for their protection.

  So here I am, reliving past memories while she’s in my arms. She is wrapped around me so tight, almost as if she senses things are off or something unwelcome is coming. I can feel her tension and I long to take it away. With any luck, I will be back with her after Warren is dead. I’ve not given up completely, I’m just absolute in my actions to guard my family from evil.

  I’ve sensed the silent action among my men. I know they are planning something big and in my favor. I still cannot tell them what I’m doing. I’ve known Warren all my life and I know his hate for me has grown for as many years as I have. The man hates me and is ready to destroy me so there is no doubt he has this plan and it’s in play until the end. So whatever my boys are planning, I pray they know what the fuck they are doing.

  Mace won’t understand. She hasn’t talked to me since the other day in the hospital when she told me not to hurt Greyson. That good heart of hers didn’t want me to be tainted and responsible for someone’s death but this was never a negotiation.

  I know my girl sleeps beside me, feeling secure because I’m here. She has her hand on her growing stomach, where she’s keeping my child safe inside her. I swallow a lump in my throat knowing I may never meet him or her. I won’t know if it has my eyes and Sadey’s humor. Unsure if it will have my strength but with any luck it will have Sadey’s ability to love. I’m overcome in grief as I make my way to wake her. God, I need to hear her voice and feel her again. More than that I need her to feel me, if this is the last time.

  I stand only to remove my remaining clothes and let them fall beside the bed. She stirs as she feels the bed dip. “Sadey baby, come here love.” She nudges towards me again, innocent of my actions. “There’s my girl. So tired are you?” She hums in agreement, telling me she’s beat. I move my hands up and down her back and she’s buried to my side, her head lays in my neck. I know she feels my pulse race above her. I try to calm myself before laying her out and climbing on top of her. I’ve done this a thousand times. Every time I’m named a Caveman for it, so she probably just assumes that I’m taking what I want again. I smile as I kiss her naked breast. I hear her stir again, this time with a moan.

  I move my hands between her legs to feel her there, so warm, wet and ready. My hands are the only hands that have touched her this way and I fight back the knowledge that it is possible they won’t be the last. I can’t dwell on the thoughts of who will hold her when I’m gone. How long would it take her to find someone else to love?

  I’m hard for her already, I want to take her softly before she fully wakes. I position myself and enter her, getting lost inside her warmth and love. She arches her back in response to feeling me. She’s with me now, awake and she’s touching me. She clings to my back with force and looks directly into my eyes. Although it’s still dark I can see her through the light coming in the window beside our bed.

  She’s smiling up at me, that beautiful sexy grin she has and she feels me fill her again and again with a firm pace. God, she’s so perfect for me. “I love you baby, I love being woke up like this.” Her voice is raspy from lust and sleep, she will never know what that does to me.

  “Sadey Girl, I love you. Don’t you ever forget that. Ever. You’re mine.”

  “Only yours, Hem. Forever yours.”

  The guilt is tearing at me but I can feel she’s close so I continue. “Come for me baby, let it go on me. Let me feel my Girl give it to me.” She tenses under me and I know I have her. I lean down and grab her ass to tilt it and then she explodes while crying out my name and telling me how much she loves me. I capture the moment to memory and hold her tightly close to me as I still inside her giving her this. As I continue the motion of moving inside her I feel her grab me and lock on from the inside and I can’t control it. I let myself go and I feel myself filling her.

  I kiss her long, hard, and passionately. “Sadey Girl, I love you baby. I love you so fuckin’ much. You don’t ever forget that. You’re going to make a wonderful mother. God I love you.” I hold myself inside her, I don’t want to ever let her go.

  I’m trying to keep it together so I move from on top of her to her side quickly and then grab her and hold her close. We stay like this for the next three hours.

  Chapter Twenty Three:

  “Life had seemed so simple that morning when I had wakened and found the false spring.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  Six months later

  --MACE--

  “
Jesus woman, aren’t you ready to go yet? You’ve been in that bathroom for an hour and I’m out here waiting for you cause you just told me 20 minutes that you would be ready in 5!” Shame has tried to have patience with me this morning. He’s all but lost it now.

  I open the door to his smiling face. How long has he been standing on the other side of the door waiting for me to open it? The man is such a tyrant and being that I’m carrying his son you would think that he would kiss the very ground I walk on. I’m as big as a house with his baby boy number one, due in just a little under 8 weeks. I’m not sure I can grow anymore. I know I’m supposed to appreciate my man for wanting me all the time but I’m not crazy, at this stage of baby making I’m a hot mess.

  Sadey had the baby. She had an adorable boy and when that boy arrived she cried and cried screaming that she had no idea what to do with this child, let alone it being a boy and the fact it was Hem’s boy and mirrored his appearance really freaked her out. The child’s chocolate eyes were mesmerizing. Sadey took one look deep into them and she gasped! Although I was there when she delivered, I kept my distance from everyone. I know the brothers are fed up with my childlike attitude towards Hem the situation and they feel I should have forgiven him months ago. I’m working on this now, it’s been a daunting process.

  I haven’t been to see Hem since he thought it wise to go to Warren alone and unarmed. I was so pissed at him for leaving us here while he went to play hero that I’ve shut him out. I thought if I shut him out of my life I could forget him, or at least forgive him. I haven’t been able to do either. I’ve only been making myself crazy since then.

  Today I’m taking the big step to him. I’m going to see him and talk to him. I don’t really have much of an idea how to start or what to say because we have never allowed this much time to go by not being there for each other as a family should.

  Warren is dead. Shame gutted him during the raid on the Angels compound to get to Hem. Shame knew something was up with my brother that week and had set up a small band of brothers to have him followed that night, leaving Sadey and I in the dark about what was going on.

  Shame moves from the bathroom door in order for me to get by, “Mace I know that you’re uncomfortable like this. I’m not trying to be a hard ass here but time is wasting. We still have to get to the Club before the party starts and I’ve been waiting for this day for months. Let’s go see your brother, huh?”

  He thinks I’m uncomfortable ‘like this’. Funny, I still have eight weeks left. He has no idea how uncomfortable I’m about to be and I’m going to find a way for him to experience it with me.

  “Yes, I know all of this. You have given me the same spiel almost daily so now that we’re really going you could probably stop harping on me for 30 seconds and let me finish. I can’t handle heartburn, back aches, and you just being you all at once.” My poor Shame really has been a hero to me through this.

  He was elated when he found out he was having his first of three boys. I do not believe that he has a clue what he’s in for. He hasn’t really been around his nephew to know how much of a struggle a new infant can be. Little Patrick is just a little over four weeks so sleep and rest haven’t been easy for those helping to watch over him. I’ve sent Shame to the Club purposefully to visit him but every time he comes home he is just happy to have seen him. Little Patrick and I are going to have to chat. He needs to show Uncle Shame what life in the infant zone is really about.

  “I’m going to stop and get Hem a bottle of whiskey, this should help move the peacemaking along. Maybe not for his sake, I get that. For me it will though.” Shame stares at me funny. “Just do what I’m asking please Shame. The faster you do what I tell you to do the faster we get out of here so you can get to the party.”

  “Fine you crazy woman, get your shit and let’s go already.” He’s not looking at me, he’s playing with his phone. He is nervous about me visiting with Hem. He knows it is taking everything I have to go to him and get this over with so I imagine he’s trying hard not to over analyze my mood.

  We pull up the side road and I spot Hem’s bench, near the tall oak tree. I know he’s there because I can see him. Hem and I were always close, so this talk we are about to have is an important one. I’m not oblivious to the fact that I will have to do all the talking but in a way that’s good. He needs to hear what I have to say. I have a lot to yell at him for and I’m not going to hold back. It has been six full months since I’ve seen his face or heard his voice. We had terrible words last time we were in the same room, fighting over Hem and his need for revenge and his lack of ability to think things through.

  “I’m staying in the car. You go to him and have your talk, just don’t forget his whiskey. You got him the good stuff, he should appreciate it.” Shame grabs my neck and pulls me to him, kissing the crown of my head hard. When he lets go he stares at me, searching my face. I’m so nervous right now and I don’t want to fall apart so I give him what he’s asking for, yet again.

  “Shame honey, I told you I’m fine and I really am. Just let me do this now before I lose my nerve and go another 6 months without seeing him.”

  He lets me go and I get out of the car, not forgetting the whiskey. I haul it with me to the old tree and as I get closer to Hem my heart starts to race. I need to start this conversation and say what I have to say before I can enjoy a visit of any other kind.

  I put the bottle down and look at him. Before even a second passes I start to breakdown and then talk. “Brother I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been here. You must hate me right now. I just couldn’t bring myself to come see you. I’ve missed you though.”

  Tears are starting to fall down my face. To distract myself momentarily I grab the bottle, opening it, and set it down for him. “Things aren’t the same without you in my life, Hem. I’m so damn pregnant and these hormones aren’t helping me get through any of this. I miss my glue.”

  I take a second to examine the ground in front of me. I see that there is debris laying at my feet near the bench so I bend down to swipe it away and it’s a direct hit to my heart. I haven’t been here since any of this happened. I was in shock at the time and I had refused to go to the funeral. Father Marcus wouldn’t leave me alone, but I told him that if I go to the funeral then it makes all this real. It wasn’t real for me then, I wouldn’t allow it. That is how I coped the last six months, actually I wasn’t coping at all, I was just in denial. Until now.

  Patrick ‘Hem’ Collins

  1981-2013

  Beloved Son, Brother, Husband, and Father

  Watch over us from Heaven

  I have waited so long to come here because I couldn’t face looking into the ground and knowing he was never coming back. This makes it real. I have to believe that I’m not without him entirely and that he is watching over us from above.

  He never will have met his son. Hem got to marry the love of his life and he made a beautiful baby boy with her but never got to meet him. Their son is such a resemblance of the two of them. Hem’s physical features are the most prominent but when that baby sighs, smiles in sleep, or cries big and heavy tears – that’s all Sade.

  I have many more things to say, if I don’t focus on that than I won’t get through it. “Shame came too late that night, Hem. He hates himself for it. He was a mess for a long time after you left us, blaming himself. Why didn’t you tell us what you were doing? We could have helped you. Why did you go to Warren? You had to have known what he planned for you. Shame was so messed up after you died, he had to be locked down. Took a while before he came back to me, he had to get help after you left him here. He misses you like we all miss you but he’s lucky, he allowed himself to grieve and move on. He’s upset with me because I’m holding on to a memory in hopes that by some chance miracle you’re coming back. You’re not though, I know this. It is something I can admit to after being here and seeing you.”

  It gives me a bit of relief knowing that Hem is with Mom and Doc and for the first time in
any lifetime that he’s been given, Hem knows love from both Mom and the man he thought of like a father, my father.

  “I love you, Hem. We’re going to look after Sadey and the baby. With him here now I don’t feel completely without you. Your son Patrick Neil, he has your eyes. I see your gentleness in him. He sees through me as if he’s looking for you. He’s a beautiful healthy boy. Our family will be okay in time. Sade and Patrick aren’t alone, but you already know that. You wouldn’t have done what you did if you didn’t know they would always be safe. I will come back and see you again soon. The boys are waiting for me at the Club, it’s time to finally lay you down to rest and with my final acceptance, we are all doing it tonight. I love you brother. Look after all of us from above, we will need it.”

  I look up for the first time and see Shame coming towards me. He has a look of concern for me on his face but honestly I’m better now than I thought I would be. I’m glad I came but I also know I couldn’t have come any sooner. I wasn’t ready and it would have been too overwhelming. I had more to think about than just myself.

  Epilogue:

  “You are everything good and straight and fine and true—and I see that so clearly now, in the way you’ve carried yourself and listened to your own heart. You’ve changed me more than you know, and will always be a part of everything I am. That’s one thing I’ve learned from this. No one you love is ever truly lost.”

  --Pauline Pfeiffer Hemingway

  --Sadey--

  “Goodnight my sweet boy, I love you.”

  He’s so tired from being around those rowdy bikers at the Club, he’s going to need to get used to that. I need to put him down in his crib for sleep, but I can’t tonight. I don’t want to be alone after reliving the memories of Hem with Mace and all his brothers.