PITFALL 1: INABILITY TO PUT YOUR EROTIC DESIRES INTO WORDS
You don’t know how to describe what you want. There’s something you want to feel, but it’s vague to you and hard to name. You feel embarrassed about what you like, so it’s hard for you to be clear about the details that really make the experience powerful for you. You worry that your partner won’t react well or will judge you for your desires.
BREAKTHROUGH 1: FINDING A WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER, SO THEY CAN MEET YOUR DESIRES, AS THEY ARE ABLE
You use the ideas above, about sharing erotic media and fantasies, outside of the exercise time to help communicate the subtlety of what you want. You are open with your partner about which parts are essential to your arousal. You validate your own desires and tolerate any judgment or ambivalence from your partner. You develop some language to help you describe exactly what you want. You have experiences that tap into your erotic mind and infuse your sex life with new energy.
PITFALL 2: NOT ENJOYING THE SAME EROTIC SCENES THAT YOUR PARTNER DOES, AND IT SEEMS TO GO BADLY
You can’t enjoy your turn if your partner isn’t into it. You worry about how they’re feeling instead of allowing yourself your pleasure. You hold back what you really want since you know (or suspect) that it isn’t such a turn on for them. Or you push hard for what you want, trying to pressure your partner into participating in something they really don’t like. When the Giver, you fail to discern when you need to say no and end up having a negative experience. Or you let your discomfort with your partner’s requests keep you from trying to play in that space with them and expanding your sexual repertoire.
BREAKTHROUGH 2: WORKING WITH YOUR OVERLAP AS WELL AS PLAYING WITHIN BOUNDARIES THAT MAKE IT A POSITIVE EXPERIENCE
You and your partner have had a lot of discussion and exploration about what makes sex erotic to each of you. You get adept at knowing what is a hard no for you and what you can try to explore (and even enjoy). You make your requests clear, and you don’t push your partner beyond their appropriate boundaries.
Try a version of the exercise focused on taking and allowing pleasure.
Once you have fully explored the Giver/Receiver Exercise, you may want to use the counterpart: the Taker/Allower version of the exercise. The person doing the touching is in charge—they are taking pleasure and the other allows it. Occasionally, people may choose to start with this one. The consent built into this exercise is important (especially if one of you has had abuse, trauma, or assault in the past). Doing this exercise can be a healing way to proceed, though I think doing the original Giver/Receiver Exercise first helps you develop the communication you need to be successful with this variation. Either way, you can use the Taker/Allower exercise to proceed through the same 9 phases described earlier.
The same rules apply for this exercise as with the Giver/Receiver Exercise, but the directions and jobs are slightly different. In this case, it is the Taker that is in charge. The Taker is to think about how they would touch the Allower for their own pleasure. They ask for consent to do that specific thing, and then touch the Allower in that way. Unlike much of the touch people provide their partners, this exercise asks the Taker to think about themselves and what they would enjoy doing, for their own sensory pleasure, what sensual or sensory experience they would like to have with their partner’s body.
It is crucial for the Taker to ask for consent. Let the Allower know specifically what you want to do—where you want to touch and how. Get explicit verbal consent before proceeding. Ask again every time you want to change what you are doing. The Allower has the same job of saying no when they need to say no, and consciously choosing to step into the work of growth when they just want to say no.
You take the same 10-minute turns as with the Giver/Receiver Exercise, with the same jobs to pay attention to during your roles.
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Change happens experientially. You need to practice thinking and behaving differently to transform your sex life. This chapter is all about how to put these ideas into physical practice with your partner. The exercises give you the framework for change; the phases give you the areas of focus to change. By the end of the process, however long that takes, you and your partner can discover freedom and ease in your sexual relationship.
Let’s revisit our four example couples one last time. You’ll get to hear about their experiences using the exercise and what kinds of challenges and breakthroughs they had in various stages of learning. You will see that by the end of the process, they have transformed their sex lives and are enjoying each other again. The sense of hopelessness they had at the beginning of the book now seems like a distant memory. That is what I want for you, too.
Carol and Todd
Carol:
When they start using the exercise to access desire, Carol struggles with knowing what to ask for after her mastectomy. Her breasts had always been sexually sensitive and pleasing. Now she has a flat chest and scars. She feels weird when she and Todd both avoid her chest area, but neither of them knows how to act now. She is also grieving the loss of her breasts and their sexual pleasure every time they have sex. She uses the exercise to gently explore her new body, and to invite Todd to touch her.
Carol gradually makes peace with her body through the process. She and Todd explore touch to her chest, and while it isn’t sexually arousing anymore, she can appreciate the touch on her skin. It allows them both to get comfortable with her new look and her scars. Her chest feels like part of her body again. And once they’ve gotten over that hurdle, she uses her turns as the receiver in the exercise for touch that is sexually arousing. The absence of her breasts no longer overshadows their sexual encounters.
As the Giver, Carol struggles at first to touch and stimulate his penis. She’d spent her life avoiding it, and she feels nervous and queasy whenever she starts. It gets easier the more she does it, and she isn’t thinking about it as much now. Early on, she continues to measure herself by the state of Todd’s erection. She keeps wanting and expecting Todd to get hard if he gets stimulation to his penis, and now that she’s providing that, she feels disappointed if it doesn’t result in an erection. Anything else feels like a failure. She doubts herself and her sexual abilities, but she also struggles to find any meaning in interacting sexually with him when he doesn’t get an erection. She has a hard time being present as the Giver since she feels like nothing really counts until he is physically aroused. She sometimes even finds herself getting bored. She has to push herself to tune into him and let him decide what he wants and what he finds pleasurable.
Eventually, Carol settles down and gives up worrying about whether Todd will get hard or not. It takes some time to accept that this seems to be a permanent change due to age. She allows herself to feel sad for the change, but then she can be present with whatever is happening. As Todd accepts this, too, and begins to explore his whole body, she can show up and really participate with him in the experience. She learns to let go of the idea that his erection determines her desirability, and she feels much lighter once she does that. She finds she enjoys touching him a lot. It doesn’t have the heat or intensity of the sex they used to have, but there is a sweetness and intimacy in their exploration that is powerful. Because he still feels pleasure at the touch of his penis, hard or not, she is able to focus on his pleasure and not on the result.
Todd:
Todd recognizes that there are things about his life with Carol that he wants to change and that he never felt like he could address with her due to his own fear. He starts some conversations, clumsily at first, to learn to talk about the hard things. He gets better with practice, and he finds that for the most part Carol is interested in hearing from him and wants to make the changes he’s requesting.
One of the first things he brings up is the lack of touch she gives him during sex. It’s a stretch for him to have a difficult conversation at all, but especially one about his sexual pleasure since it will likely trigger her insecurities. He feels anxious as he st
arts the conversation, but he manages to hold himself together and make his points. Although she gets defensive at first, he sticks with it. His grounded response helps her see that this means a lot to him, and she settles herself down to finish the talk.
Todd still feels like he should get aroused with touch, and he will push for that, even though he is physically unable to get an erection some of the time. Sometimes, he’ll sneak a pill before the exercise, so he will seem to succeed. That focus on a goal keeps him from using the exercise to explore what might be pleasing to him. Once he admits to Carol that he is using a pill and is still goal-oriented, he can give that up and just let things happen.
Todd finds pleasure after he relaxes about getting an erection. It takes a while, but he begins to ask for touch all over his body. He finds that he really likes being stroked gently all down his arms and legs. He has a much more sensual experience than he’d ever allowed himself while his penis was “working.” He eventually instructs Carol to touch his penis, too, and can enjoy the sensation he has even if he doesn’t become fully erect (although that happens sometimes). He feels much more at peace with himself after this.
What they find at the end of this process is that they are more able to relax and enjoy sex than they have ever been. They no longer focus on a goal, they each have found things that are pleasurable, and they work together to make sure they get what they want out of each sexual encounter they have. Sometimes they have intercourse, and other times they explore pleasure in the other ways they’ve discovered. They are willing to address their concerns and frustrations with each other, and they’ve built the skills to solve problems, not just fight about them. They have remained active and engaged with each other and are enjoying the beginning of their retirement.
Beth and Yara
Yara:
Yara feels self-critical early in the exercise. She struggles with her own baggage about feeling dirty for being a sexual person. She also feels like she is bad or wrong for wanting rougher and faster touch, especially compared to Beth. At first, she doesn’t ask for what she really wants because she can’t let go of these thoughts. It takes time for her to slowly reveal what she really wants and to struggle with the emotions that her desires bring up.
Yara overcomes her self-criticism as she does the exercise more. Over time, she finds a peace with her sexual self and can accept her desires as valid and good. She recognizes the internal voices of her parents, and she rejects them. She learns to replace that self-talk with something more positive. When she does, she starts to feel empowered about her sexuality instead of ashamed. This is a tipping point for her, allowing her to open up more about what she wants and enjoy getting it.
Yara also starts to speak up around the house. She no longer avoids making some plans for herself with friends when Beth has to work late. She realizes how much she’d held herself back out of fear of Beth’s jealousy and disappointment. When Beth reverts to trying to make her feel bad, she is grounded and clear and able to respectfully call Beth out for that.
Beth:
Beth struggles to be present in the exercise. Part of the reason she’s been avoiding sex is because she has such a hard time getting aroused. Her mind is always spinning with thoughts of her changed body, as well as with life’s distractions. She can’t change gears quickly, so she thinks she can’t change gears at all. She feels overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done. She has figured that her sex life with Yara can just wait until life gets simpler. The problem is, life doesn’t get simpler, and so their intimate connection had been disintegrating.
It takes Beth many repetitions of the exercise before she stops fighting her mind and just relaxes. She gives up expectations that it should be easy and resigns herself to accept whatever happens. For a while, she keeps thinking about all the things she should be doing or how her body should be working, but that lessens over time. It’s nice to get a massage, and it helps her relax and feel good. She begins to look forward to the exercise since she can get some relief and some pleasure. Once she allows herself to receive massage and sees that Yara is happy to make her feel good, she warms to her touch. She gets more engaged in her turns as Giver, too.
As they do the exercise in a more sexual way, Beth struggles with not knowing what she wants. It is a big deal for her to start to explore how she might want to be touched, to let Yara see her as unsure and tentative. With practice, Beth does learn what she wants. Her body is different now. She needs slower and more gentle touch, but she finds that she still responds to and enjoys it. She explores more of her body than she used to use in sex and learns new things about what will please her.
Both in real life and as the Giver during the exercise, Beth struggles with feelings of judgment about Yara’s desires. Yara wants more aggressive and passionate touch, and Beth vilifies that in her mind since she no longer responds to that style of sex herself. She used to, and she feels bad about the change. So, for a while, she turns her disappointment about her own sexual response into judging Yara for what she wants.
Beth ends up letting go of her judgment about Yara wanting more vigorous interaction as she makes peace with the changes in her own sexuality. She accepts that what Yara wants is about Yara, and each of them can like what they like. She stops feeling like she should match Yara or must keep up somehow, and she gets into the role of giving Yara what she desires.
At the end of the process, Yara and Beth have open communication about what each of them is feeling. They have explored what arouses each of them sexually and integrated that into ways to have sex that they both like. When there are problems, they are more able to address what’s really going on between them and will bring up issues in a timely manner. They hold each other accountable, and they each can accept feedback and admit when they’ve slipped back into old patterns. They are having more fun together, spending evenings together and adopting new habits like eating together at the table without any devices on. They no longer avoid sex.
Jenny and Rich
Jenny:
Jenny says no a lot at first, protective of herself and still struggling to relinquish the power she has over sex. She’s been saying no to sex for quite some time, and even though she hesitantly agrees to do the exercise, she doesn’t agree to do much within it. Once she takes herself on about how she is using the control that comes with being the lower desire partner, she overcompensates and starts to say yes to everything, trying to give it a go. Sometimes that backfires, since she has such a negative response to being sexual with Rich when she isn’t feeling sexual herself. She struggles to discern the line between needing to say no and just wanting to.
This gets easier with practice. She gets adept at challenging herself and stepping into acts or mental spaces that make her uncomfortable, but she will also speak up when it feels a “certain kind of bad.” She learns to use her no to really take care of herself instead of to control Rich. Because she gets better at no, her yes means yes. She feels tremendous strength and empowerment in mastering taking care of herself in a healthy way.
As the Giver, sometimes Jenny doesn’t like what Rich wants. She hasn’t yet learned to be a fan of oral sex, and sometimes he will ask to feel her mouth on his penis. Given that she is also fighting her own resistance to working on sex at all, she has a hard time getting to a place where she is willing to do what he wants. She is largely focused on her past dislike of the act instead of just seeing what it is like in the moment.
This, too, gets better with time. It takes a while, but she starts to expand her ability to do what someone else wants from a healthy and willing place. She learns to do things that she doesn’t necessarily enjoy and still feel empowered. This is a major change in her mindset, and she’s on her way to having a different relationship with power and control. She still isn’t loving oral sex, but she’s developing a comfort with it and no longer has a negative response to the request.
Rich:
When they start doing the exercise, Rich feels rejected whenever
Jenny says no. It doesn’t help that she’s been saying no to sex for quite a while, and he is used to feeling rejected. Each time she sets a boundary, he spirals into a negative cycle, feeling more hopeless about their sex life. He struggles to see the exercise as just one experience that allows them to grow.
With practice and with conversation between them, Rich overcomes his sense of rejection when Jenny takes care of herself by setting limits. It helps him to see that Jenny is confronting herself about her use of power in turning him down for sex. He can tell she is genuinely saying yes now, different than when she used to just go along with sex. That helps him experience her saying no as an important step in her growth. He stops making her choices about him and realizes it is about her. This shift helps his mood, and he stops getting depressed and hopeless as they hit bumps in the process.
Rich makes a major change in how he’s been dealing with the house and the kids. Once he recognized that he was effectively taking out his frustration with Jenny on the children, he makes a distinct change and starts to engage with them. He steps into more responsibility at home and spends more time supporting and interacting with the kids.
Jenny and Rich are in a much better place after this process. Jenny has decided to start individual therapy to deal with the impact of her family and to continue the growth she’s experiencing in discovering her voice, her desires, and her power. She is more able to change her mindset and show up for sex from a place of openness. She’s learning more about what she wants sexually, and she’s putting that into words. She’s prioritizing time with Rich, whether it’s for a date night or an intimate encounter. She will absolutely say no to things when she needs to, but she’s got an entirely new ability to say yes and mean it. Rich has mostly gotten over his tendency to take her desire (or lack thereof) personally. He manages his emotions and rarely gets sullen or anxious now in response to their sex life. He’s become a much more attentive lover and partner. They are talking openly about sex, parenting, household responsibilities, and how they feel about those topics.
Sex Without Stress Page 15
